Ah... Halloween is here again. "Goblins, ghouls funny faces walkin' 'round familiar places! This is a day called HALLOWEEN!" So went the words of my favorite elementary school song.
Halloween is one of those days for me, a day like The First Day of School . It has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is a day full of happy childhood memories of costumes and carved pumpkins and parties and candy. Today it is a day of hope and sadness; fear and optimism.
Hope & optimism burn within me like a candle in a Jack-o-Lantern on the eve of IVF #3. I envision Halloweens of the future with 3 little ones all dressed up, a house decorated to hilt, pumpkins carved on the front porch, hayrides and caramel apples, classroom parties, treat bags and ghost stories.
Fear & sadness rear their ugly heads as I envision a host of other Halloweens just like today -empty house, empty arms, broken dreams. Smiles through tears. A reminder of all the Halloweens I thought, "Next year I will surely be pregnant, have baby..." Seasons change, time passes, and yet here we are clinging to same hopes and dreams as the last year and the year before and the year before...
When Sean & I first got married, we used to go to the pumpkin farm and dress up and go to parties all the while dreaming of our future, but then it just got too painful. I still decorate inside (if you build it, they will come mentality, I guess) and go to the local farmers market for a pumpkin, but we don't carve it. We don't dress up and we don't go live it up at any parties any more. We hand out candy and ooh and aah over all the little ones. We smile as our hearts ache. We turn off the porch light and retreat to the safety of each other.
The chill of the ghosts of Halloween future linger in the air tonight as the fates decide our future. Trick or treat?!?!