What to Expect When You're FINALLY Expecting

Well, this is awkward...

2012-01-03T21:20:00.009-05:00

Hello there, friends. One thing is for sure, it has been far too long...almost two years, in fact.

So, where do I begin? I guess I should prepare you, my dear

readers (if indeed anyone is still out there, hello???), for a possible punch in the gut...

You see I am "one of those" infertiles. You know the ones we all love to hate, the stuff of urban legends and the origin of "just relax" and it will happen...IT happened and I am now a mom, of not one, but TWO gorgeous girls

Lydia Kathleen was born on August 31, 2011 in a home away from homebirth, (but that is a crazy story for another day!). She was our surprise BFP, our Christmas "miracle", our 2% chance you will ever conceive on your own, jackpot winner. Apparently Sean's varicocele embolization worked better than we ever could have dreamed.

The long and short of it goes like this: it was Christmas 2010 and I was still nursing Eliza who was about to turn 1. I had a few postpartum periods, but the thought of TTC had never even crossed our minds. We loved being parents and we were quite busy with Eliza. A few days after Christmas it dawned on me that my period might be late. There was a nagging voice in the back of my head that told me I was pregnant, but I refused to believe it. How could I possibly be pregnant?! the voice wouldn't go away so, while I was doing some last minute shopping for Eliza's 1st birthday, I grabbed a few HPTs.

I didn't even take my coat off before I ran to the bathroom to POAS. It popped up positive immediately & I shouted to Eliza, still bundled in her infant seat, "I KNEW IT!!!" I scooped her up, pee stick in hand and we drove to Sean's office to share the joyous news. Long time readers might remember this post, where I surprised Sean at his office to share our BFP news. This was becoming a habit!

Needless to say, I didn't make a public announcement this time, I simply called him down to the car to meet me. He was shocked, I was shocked. We were thrilled, but nervous. Could we really be pregnant on our own after 5yrs, severe mfi, a damaged tube, a history of uterine polyps, 3 failed fresh ivfs & an fet???

Yes, yes we were & after an uneventful pregnancy & very eventful labor & delivery, 3 became 4 and here we are today. Parents of two girls, Eliza & Lydia. It still takes my breath away.

There is so much I want to share with you about my girls. About what an incredible two years it has been, about Eliza & how she has brought us joy each & every day. About her sign language, her huge vocabulary & her funny, expressive personality. About what an amazing sister she is. About our sleep struggles. About her tethered cord syndrome & surgery. I want you to know all about Lydia & how easy going she is. How breastfeeding is a million times easier. About how having 2 kids under 2 is the craziest, most stressful, most rewarding, most incredible thing I have ever done. I want to tell you so much, but I don't even know where to start...

Thankfully, Sean did know just where to start. The ladies have inspired my husband to blog about life as their daddy. And an incredible daddy he is. My girls and I are lucky to have such a caring, loving, affectionate & selfless man in our lives. I never, ever took Sean as the blogging type, but he is hooked! His blog is pretty amazing stuff if you ask me, but I'm a little biased. Head on over to mydaddymydaddy.com & check it out. Leave him a little comment love while you're there! He also tweets @mydaddymydaddy.

Reading his blog has reminded me how much I loved blogging & how much I missed it & how emotional it is. Honestly, it's been tough to revisit some of the darker days of our journey. It has also made these days so much sweeter.

So what about this blog? To be honest, I'm not sure what the future of this blog is. I may keep it & rework it, I may close it & begin anew. For now, I am looking forward to catching up with my blogroll!

A few more pics...

photography by Timeless Treasures www.todayisatreasure.com

Well, hello there!

2010-04-09T19:51:00.008-04:00

WOW! Where oh where has the time gone?! Last time I posted, Eliza was just 3 weeks old. Today she is over 3 months old! So much has happened, I hardly even recognize my own life, but before we get into all that, I think the least I can do is post a photo to make up for my absence.

We are officially back in Buffalo and thanks to my amazing husband, our move went incredibly well. Far easier than I ever anticipated. It is wonderful to be home and surrounded by our family and friends. Miss Eliza has had quite the social life since we moved back - meeting all her aunts, uncles & cousins has been joyful, indeed. She has even had the chance to spend some time with my grandma, her 90 year old, GiGi. Our new place is lovely, on the small side, but really nice. We lucked out and are renting from my sister-in-law's sister and it is a perfect arrangement. We plan to be here a year or two before we buy again. After 3 months at home with his girls, Sean started his new job yesterday. We LOVED having him home and feel quite blessed and spoiled to have had the indulgence of so much family time.

It is hard to believe, but one year ago yesterday, was transfer day & our little miracle began her journey to our lives. So much has changed in a year and we never could have imagined how full of love and joy our lives would be. We feel incredibly blessed and lucky to have Eliza in our lives.

Hmmm, so much to fill you in on. Let's see, breastfeeding has been quite a challenge. I have seen 4 different lactation consultants and every supply trick in the book. I will devote an entire post to it, but Eliza has a suck dysfunction - a possible type 4 tongue tie and I have a supply issue, possibly as a result of the suck dysfunction. Her weight gain has been slow, but with lots of pumping, giving her extra ounces of pumped milk & occasionally formula, she is gaining and has finally broke the 11lb mark. She is our tiny little girl.

Speaking of tiny little girls, Libby dislocated her hip again and just recently had surgery to permanently fix it. Poor thing, she has had it rough. She and Eliza are becoming fast friends.

Things Eliza loves at 3 months old:

1. Sleep! Eliza loves her sleep and sleeps a solid 7 hours per night straight and 12 + hours total. She is just like her mommy, daddy and fur-sister Libby. She is a happy, happy baby.

2. Binki - ahhh, heaven!

3. Her swing - girl can take some serious power naps in that thing.

4. Drooling

5. Snuggling - she loves being worn and snuggled close.

6. Baths - especially baths with mommy.

7. Her playmat.

8. Music and singing - she is a big fan of The Farmer in the Dell and the various silly versions Mommy and Daddy invent.

9. Hockey - yep, hockey. She is transfixed when it is on. Our little Sabres fan already. We really should nip this love affair with TV in the bud.

Things Eliza is not a fan of at 4 months:

1. Formula, or at least certain kinds. We need to send the video to America's Funniest.

2. Laying flat on her back - she is a reflux babe.

3. The car and her carseat. Boy, does she ever scream.

As you can see, the list of loves, far outweighs the list of dislikes.

She is happy, happy, happy and almost everyone who meets her comments on how smiley she is. She rolls over, laughs and kicks her feet a mile a minute. How did we ever get so lucky?

3 weeks!!

2010-01-21T11:12:00.009-05:00

Where or where has the time gone? I cannot believe my little girl is 3 weeks old today! How life has changed in 3 short weeks. I feel like I have been in a bubble. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been out of the house & I feel completely out of touch with the real world, but that is okay because I am head over heels in love with Eliza.

Eliza Caroline has big feet like her mama and fingers like her daddy. She looks like daddy, but has mommy's nose and profile. She has long eyelashes and huge, almond shaped blue eyes. Her hair is light in front, dark in the back and show some hints of red. I can't believe we made her - she is perfection.

Eliza's favorite things at 3 weeks:
1. being worn in the Moby by mommy or daddy
2. Snuggling up
3. Breastfeeding
4. Sleeping on our chests
5. being naked

Things Eliza dislikes at 3 weeks:
1. swing
2. bouncy seat
3. red lights
4. baths
5. sleeping in the cosleeper

Life is good but has been a blur of breastfeeding, diaper changes, babywearing, sleeping, rinse and repeat. BFing was really, really hard at first, got immensely better week 2 and week 3 is looking like there might be a supply issue as Eliza is still not up to birth weight. So for now, I visit the LC, stay in touch with the pedi, add pumping into the routine, take some fenugreek, go for frequent weight checks, supplement with pumped breast milk whenever possible and an oz of formula here and there. I HATE giving her the lousy ounce of formula and hope that she starts gaining ASAP so we can go back to exclusive breastfeeding. I know how irrational it sounds to hate giving her formula, I know it is helping her and not harming her, but it makes me feel like my body is broken all over again. LC suspects my supply issue could be due to the IVF and/or the postpartum hemorrhage. Hopefully it is easily fixable...

I know I owe you all my birth story, but I really want to do it justice so I am going to start working on it and post it when complete.

As if life has not been overwhelming enough with a newborn baby, we have decided now is the time to make the move back to Buffalo. I know - we are certifiable. Many of my long time readers know this has been on our radar for a loooong time and it has always been a long term goal. Having Eliza put things into perspective for us and when we looked at the big picture - budget, resources, Sean's job, our rental situation etc...it just made sense to pull the trigger and do it. So, we shuffle off to Buffalo on February 19th. Sean quit his job the day we decided and it has been wonderful having him home with us right now. He is handling all things related to the move and doing an amazing job with it - that is saying something coming from a control freak like me. Ask me if I feel the same when the major packing begins! We are kind of flying by the seat of our pants with the whole thing and it is SCARY! I know it is for the best though!

I am feeling good, but I had MAJOR weepyness the first week at home. I cried my eyes out when my mom left and when my inlaws were here, I was a hot mess. I even took the baby and hid in my bedroom one day. They were trying to be helpful, but the type A part of me could not handle it. The decision to move was not helping my emotional state either, but thankfully, the crying jags seem to have passed.

That is about all I have right now, but how about some more pics of the cutest baby I know???

Happy Birthday!

2010-01-01T04:44:00.005-05:00

It's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

Eliza Caroline was born on 12/31/2009 at 7:11am after a whopping 49 hours of labor. She weighed in at 8.1lbs and 20in long.

I can't believe I am a mommy to a precious little girl. A daughter?!?! AMAZING.

What a perfect way to end 2009- The Year of Hope. What a dream come true. We are head over heels in love with our little girl. I have a feeling 2010 is going to be one of the most magical of our lives. I cannot wait to watch my little girl grow and change. So many firsts to look forward to...

Long and complicated birth story to come, hopefully sooner than later. Eliza is perfect and Mommy is on the mend after an incredibly long and difficult labor. A preview - stalled labor, swelling cervix, sunny side up presentation, vaginal delivery and more!

Wishing everyone a Happy & Healthy 2010! May it be a year of dreams come true...

Pics to come ASAP - hospital connection is dreadfully slow.

Water, water everywhere!

2009-12-29T11:38:00.003-05:00

My water broke at 6:15 this morning! Contractions began immediately 2-3min apart, but have sloooooooooowed way down. No pattern at all. Bouncing on the ball and getting ready to go for a walk. Lots of bloody show and mucus.

Called the midwife and she wants me to labor at home until I can't walk or talk comfortably. That seems like it could be several hours from now with the way things are going right now...

Hopefully today is the day I meet my little Ralphie!!!

Santa Can Bite Me!

2009-12-27T22:19:00.003-05:00

40w3d no baby in sight...Off to the midwife in the morning. Fingers crossed for some progress.

Christmas started off great. We stayed in PJs all day, watched movies and ate snacks. It all went to hell in a hand basket around 5:30 when Libby, our mini schnauzer, jumped for a toy and collapsed screaming in pain, it was evident something was very wrong with her rear leg. Sean & my dad stabilized her, but we rushed off to the vet ER - her shaking and crying the whole way - they had to sedate her just to do the exam and xrays. Turns out she dislocated her hip They put her under anesthesia and popped it back into place. We picked her up late that night. It cost a small FORTUNE.

Poor little girl cried and cried for hours - she was in so much pain. Even the pain meds didn't seem to take the edge off. I guess the crying and whimpering can be a side effect of the anesthetic and all the stress, but she was breaking our hearts.

Sean is amazing and sat reclined on the sofa, fully dressed with her all night long while she cried and slept on and off. He wanted me to get some sleep in case I went into labor. He is the best puppy daddy ever and is going to be a pretty awesome daddy to this LO as well.

Libby seems much better pain wise, but we had to switch meds because it gave her horrendous diarrhea - she can't catch a break.

The bad news, she is at increased risk for it happening again in the next few weeks and if it does, she will need surgery ASAP. She is on restricted activity for FOUR weeks - no steps, no hardwood floors, no running or jumping. That should be fun with a newborn. Thank goodness Sean is off for another week or so and my parents are here for 10 more days...

Needless to say, not the type of excitement we were hoping for! I am just glad I didn't go into labor in the middle of all that mess, but now that she is on the mend, bring it!

Dear Santa...

2009-12-24T22:44:00.003-05:00

It may be too late to get in my Christmas wish, but I was hoping there was room on your list for one more request. We haven't spoke in many years, but some of my best memories are from Christmas morning - all thanks to you and your elves. As you know, Sean and I began our story 13 years ago on Christmas Day and 7 years ago was especially magical when Sean proposed to me under the tree on Christmas morning.

We need your help this year too. You see, Ralphie was due to arrive today, but the stork seems to be stuck somewhere behind your sleigh and the UPS man, so we were hoping there might be room our your sleigh for our little one. He or she shouldn't take up much room, but he or she sure will fill so many hearts with joy and love!

So, Santa, if you can, our only wish this year is to welcome our new son or daughter into our lives. It would be the best Christmas gift ever...

Love,
Emily & Sean

Still here...

2009-12-21T19:46:00.006-05:00

We survived the blizzard of 2009 and Ralphie stayed put! We were snowbound all day Saturday and Sunday. After 5 rounds of shoveling, Sean has the driveway down to pavement and is one hurtin' puppy today. Our road was finally plowed and we got out today to head to the Midwife and Sean went to work and did a big grocery store trip.

I had an internal today and made no progress since my last internal 10 days ago, which was a little disappointing I really thought I would be dilated since I lost my MP and had some bloody show on Thursday. Oh well, things can change rapidly at this point. The MW thought Ralphie would hang in until after Christmas, but we are encouraging him to prove her wrong! They will let me go all of 42w, but with increased monitoring, u/s etc.. She did think he was approaching 8lbs though. Whoa...

My parents arrive in 2 days and we are just about ready for their arrival and very ready for the baby. Hopefully there is not a lot of sitting around staring at each other or I might just go crazy.

Last, but not least, LIBBY, the snowdog! :)

Winter Wonderland

2009-12-19T10:06:00.004-05:00

Here I am 39w2d and it is a blizzard outside. Literally, a blizzard. I have lived in Maryland since 1997 and there has only ever been one blizzard and a handful of memorable snowstorms.

I joked to friends and family yesterday that it would be ironic and funny if Ralphie, my little snowbaby that spent 2 years in a freezer, arrived during this storm. I am rescinding my invite! Mama was just kidding!!!

It is beautiful out there, but conditions are just awful. We have 8-10 inches so far with no end in sight. They are calling for up to 30 inches! We had Sean's holiday party last night and it took us 2 hours to get home. There were really bad accidents everywhere and I was a nervous wreck. We're not in Buffalo any more kids! These Marylanders do not handle this weather well at all!

My birthing center is only 15min away under normal conditions, but I am thinking it would take us an hour plus today and who knows how long for the midwives and nurses...

I think I might like Ralphie to stay put for at least another day! Sean is shoveling just in case.
In the mean time, I am making a pot of sauce, a pan of ziti and some brownies.

In honor of Ralphie, we will be watching A Christmas Story later!

East Coasters - stay safe and warm!

Nesting as therapy

2009-12-17T16:17:00.007-05:00

Well, things are cruising right along around here! We are 1 week from our EDD and as ready as we are going to get! I even managed to clean out that pesky tupperware cabinet last week. I am confident I can find more things to knock out around here, but as far as prep for Ralphie, we are all set!!!

Part of my nesting involved cleaning out my IVF cabinet which I had been putting off for my entire pregnancy. At first I suppose that was out of fear, but then it just became a fixture of my life and honestly, hard for me to let go of. I did coordinate a donation with another girl who is OOP and that felt great and yet I still felt the need to hang onto some of it. I donated meds that were set to expire, but anything that had at least 6mo left, I boxed up and put away along with all my sharps, gauze, alcohol pads etc... I don't really know why. It is pretty unrealistic that I would be ready to cycle again in 6 short months, especially since I plan to breastfeed for a year and yet, I just couldn't get rid of all those meds. It felt so familiar to handle them - I could smell them, I could feel the sting of the needle and the burn of the meds entering my bloodstream. It was bizarre.

As close as I am to holding my baby in my arms, I still have a big part of IF inside of me. I still cry every time I hear one of my IVF anthems - Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas, Broken by Lifehouse and Shattered by OAR bring me right back to my darkest days and reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for this holiday season. To all of those still in the trenches, I am thinking of you and wishing you strength during the holidays and hope for the new year!

Here it is! The 39w update and I am thinking it might be the last one...hopefully those words don't come back to bite me!

How am I feeling? Ready to meet my little one! A little sad that this part of my journey is coming to an end. I will miss being pregnant and hope I can experience it again some day. Still peeing an insane number of times per day! Fetal movement is sometimes painful as he/she runs out of room.

Milestones: The final days are here! It has passed me by in a flash...

Signs of Labor: YUP! I lost my mucus plug/had bloody show this morning!! Have had more braxton hicks over the past few days. At my 38w appt, I was 90% effaced, cervix was midline and soft and the baby was -2 station. No dilation. If I don't go into labor this weekend, I have my next internal on Monday! I know all this could mean nothing more than hurry up and wait, but it could also mean that labor is right around the corner. Either way, my body is working hard to get ready!

Cravings: I have been really hungry lately! Still eating my waffles daily and drinking my chocolate milk :)

What do I miss? Putting on my own socks :)

What am I looking forward to? The big day! So much anticipation...

Weight gain: 9lbs total - I have gained 4lbs in the past 2 weeks and MW thinks it is mostly fluid as my legs have been a little swollen. BP is perfect!!

What am I doing to help labor along? Drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea - at least 2 cups a day- and taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose Oil daily. Walking, having sex, bouncing on the yoga ball, doing squats, and eating spicy foods!
When does the family arrive? Wednesday!! I can't wait!

So that's it. I am thinking I may go into labor over the weekend - the 18th is my Dad's bday and he has been deceased since 2000, so that would be kind of special. We are also expecting a winter storm this weekend and that would be appropriate for our little snowbaby!

Thank you to everyone who responded to our poll and took a guess about Ralphie's birthday!

I am wishing all of you a very happy holiday season - may all your dreams come true!

The end is in sight...

2009-12-01T11:46:00.004-05:00

It is December. OH.MY.GAWD. It is DECEMBER!!!!!! Ralphie is on the clock, time is ticking, we are on deck, insert your own cliche here...

Any way you look at it, this baby is making his/her grand entrance this month. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just April and I was a mere 4w pregnant. December felt so very far away and now here it is, December 1st and I am 2 days away from being full term and 23 days away from my EDD.

I have really loved being pregnant. I have been blessed by a relatively easy pregnancy and despite the Chipotle incident and the rather long bout of all day sickness, I don't feel I have a lot to complain about. It has been a peaceful time. In true only child fashion, I have loved all the pampering and attention from Sean, friends, family and strangers. Baby showers are the best thing ever! People have been incredibly generous and we are pretty much set. I promise nursery pics soon - we are putting the finishing touches on the nursery this week.

The baby's movement continues to blow my mind on a daily basis, as does the fact that in just 9 months I have grown tiny little human being. How crazy is that??? What started as just 2 cells in a petri dish is now a perfectly formed human who will enter the world any day now. It's incredible.

I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I would love to be pregnant again. It has really been a special time in my life.

We have been busy little bees over the past few weeks. Our dear friends threw us a couple's shower two weeks ago and we had a wonderful time celebrating with our friends and neighbors. I was happy for Sean that he got to celebrate with the boys. It is funny to see all of guy friends that have little ones giving Sean Daddy advice. They were so into it! My aunt kept commenting on how times have changed and how much more involved men seem to be in pregnancy and parenting than they ever were in her generation. I think it is a wonderful thing. Sean is so very excited to be a Daddy and he is on board with all my crazy notions regarding parenting ;)

We have been cleaning and nesting and organizing like crazy and we are feeling like we are just about ready for this little one's arrival. We did not travel to Buffalo for Thanksgiving this year so we spent the holiday just the two of us. Sean spent most of the day assembling baby gear while I cooked a traditional dinner. We ate by candlelight reflecting on how much our lives have changed in just one year.

I still need to pack my bag and the baby's bag and we need to install the car seat. We can't install it until our glider arrives because we need to put down the seats in the truck to get it home. It should be here any day. I have some nesting type projects that I would love to knock out, but nothing pressing, unless organizing the tupperware cabinet is a requirement for bringing the baby home. I would also love to do a little holiday decorating. I need to practice my hypnobirthing techniques and get myself in the right mindset for my med free birth at the birthing center. I feel like we have been so wrapped up in preparing the house, that I have neglected my own preparation a little bit.

36/37 week update:

How am I feeling? Like I have to pee CONSTANTLY! I told Sean I am taking up residence in the bathroom. I must go 20+ times per day, sometimes immediately after going, I feel the urge to go again. The Midwife tells me this is because the baby has dropped. It is not a pleasant feeling. Even less pleasant is when you tinkle a little when you sneeze - fun stuff! It has only happened once, but one time too many in my book.

Milestones: I am considered full term this Thursday and my EDD is just 23 days away!

Cravings: Still drinking a lot of milk and I eat 2 waffles every single day and have been for months now.

Aversions: Chicken is gross to me again :(

What do I miss: Sleeping through the night - I guess I can kiss those days goodbye for a looooooong time!

What am I looking forward to? Meeting this little one. I cannot wait to find out if this is a girl or a boy and to see his/her sweet face for the first time.

Weight gain: Holding steady at 5lbs gained in total. I even switched to whole milk and added a protein shake a day to my diet. I think this baby has my metabolism on super speed and I am not really complaining about that.

Signs of labor: At my 35w appt I was 80% effaced, baby dropped and cervix was nice and soft. No dilation yet! I have also been a little crampy and have a heaviness in my pelvis on and off.

What am I doing to help labor along? Drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea - at least 2 cups a day- and taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose Oil daily. Both per my midwives instructions. I need to start walking daily and using my yoga ball.

So there you have it!!! I've added a poll so you can predict Ralphie's gender, so please play along. Also, feel free to make a guess about when Ralphie will arrive when you comment. I think I am going early - the week of 12/14. My mom thinks on or about 12/10 and Sean thinks any day this week...What do you think? Early? Right on time? Late?

A letter to my child

2009-11-25T10:10:00.006-05:00

Dear Ralphie,

Hello my little one! It is the day before Thanksgiving and I cannot even begin to describe to you the joy and gratefulness that fill my heart this year. Some days I feel like I just might burst with happiness about your impending arrival. To feel you move and roll and kick in my belly is one of the best feelings in the world. Admittedly, I will miss it. I will miss knowing you are all mine and knowing you are the only one who has ever heard my heartbeat from the inside. I do think having you in my arms to kiss and snuggle will more than make up for that though.

The calendar tells me that we have less than a month until we meet you, my instinct tells me it could be a wee bit sooner than that. Do you know how excited your Daddy and I are to finally meet you? We have been dreaming about this day for so very long and it is finally close at hand. We have feathered a little nest for you, we hope you will be most comfortable here.

Daddy and I talk about you all the time. We wonder if you are a boy or a girl, although we both strongly feel you are a boy and I think you might shock us if you are a little girl. We will be over the moon either way and Mommy gets all choked up thinking about the moment we hear the words, "It's a...!" We wonder and daydream about what you will look like. Will you have your Daddy's red hair that Mommy always dreams of? Will you have his baby blues, or my green eyes? Based on your early photos, I think you have your Daddy's legs and feet. What will your personality be like? Your Gramma Rita always says that your Daddy, "was a great baby, a great child, an easy teenager and a wonderful man." I couldn't agree more and hope you have his easy, laid back personality. We have so many hopes and dreams for you and we can't wait to see who you are and who you have yet to become.

I can't wait to look into your sweet little face for the first time and gaze into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. I can't wait to see you in your Daddy's arms and to see the look on his face as he meets his son or daughter for the first time. I can't wait to count and kiss your ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I can't wait to feel your skin on my skin, to feed you for the first time, to hold you and to love you. I already love you so much I don't know how my heart could get any fuller, but I think it might just burst out of my chest the first time I have you in my arms.

Daddy and I promise to be good parents. We will always be here for you - to love you, to hug you and to kiss you, to listen to you, to keep you safe and warm, to guide you, to lead you, to teach you, to discipline you, to let you make your mistakes and catch you when you fall, to mend skinned little knees and broken hearts too. We will be your biggest cheerleaders and our hearts will be filled with pride at your accomplishments - big and small. I can't promise that we will always be your best friends or that will be the "cool" parents, but we will do the best we can to help you grow up to be a good person.

Your family is filled with anticipation as well. Gramma and Papa are especially excited to meet their first grandchild. I apologize in advance if the nickname Ralphie sticks with you. You have your Papa to thank for that. As soon as he found out you were due on Christmas Eve, he coined the nickname in honor of Ralphie in "A Christmas Story." So, talk to him if you hate it! You are grandchild #10 for Daddy's side and they are just as excited to meet you. Your cousins are pretty excited too! See how loved you are already???

I can't think of a more magical time of year to bring you into this world. There was a time in our lives when the holidays filled us with a certain sadness, but you have changed that for us forever. Now our hearts are filled with joy thinking of all the memories to be made with you.

I will treasure these last weeks feeling you in my belly. I will try not to wish them away, but I am anxiously awaiting your birthday. One year ago, I wrote this post. It all seemed so abstract and now my dreams are coming true. You are our miracle, our little snowflake, our heart and our soul and I promise that you will be blessed...

I love you forever,
Mommy

One of the best days of my life!

2009-10-28T12:17:00.008-04:00

I'm back! No excuses, just a terrible blogging slump. Life certainly has been eventful in the almost 2 months since I have graced you with my presence. Time continues to fly by and tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant! Can you even believe it? This little one will be here sooner than later, but hopefully right on time.

One of the biggest events in my life in the past few months was my baby shower! I can honestly say it was of the best days of my life - right up there with our wedding day and the day we found out we were pregnant. Sunday could not have been more perfect. My mom, my aunt, my childhood best friend and my mother-in-law were our hostesses and they did an amazing job. Everything was just perfect. The colors were sage green and chocolate brown to match our bedding, which I changed since my last post. I ended up going with Carter's Elephant Stitch bedding and I love it! The food was yummy, the favors were adorable and the cake - oh my goodness - it was the talk of the town! The favors were baby food jars with green and brown M&Ms, wrapped in tulle with green and brown ribbon and a little elephant tag. The centerpieces were mums and everything coordinated beautifully!

We were so blessed by the generosity of our family and friends. Little Ralphie is already one spoiled little babe. It is crazy to look around and have all this baby stuff in my house!!! The nursery furniture will be here a week from Saturday and then we can really get down to business.

Some of the highlights from my shower were the cake, which I really cannot say enough about, and some really touching personal gifts. Sean's Aunt Kathleen in Ireland was famous for her gorgeous baby blankets and sweaters. She was sick with cancer for many years and passed away the day after our wedding almost 6 years ago. Little did we know she had already made us a sweater and blanket and set them aside. Imagine our surprise to open such a beautiful package at our shower. The tears were flowing...The sweater and blanket are just gorgeous. I do not have a good photo of them, but I will try to remember to take a photo and share it. Along those same lines, my Great Aunt Sara has been in failing health for some time, and shortly after our wedding she began making us a gorgeous blanket. She was able to attend the shower, but her health is poor. Her daughter said this blanket is her last. Finally, Amanda who is 29w pregnant and now living in Maine (sniff) was unable to make the trip but it didn't stop her from sending me an amazing package from Piecemeal People. She made me a pair of elephants which match the bedding to a T and an incredible piece which says "hope". It is just amazing and captures perfectly this journey. Many of you may remember that we coined 2009 "The Year of Hope" and so it has been. The addition of "hope" to the nursery could not be more fitting. All in all, I could not have asked for a more special day.

A 32w update:

How am I feeling? Fantastic! An occasional bout of heartburn and some tingling in my hips at night is about all I have to report. BP is great. Feeling very fortunate in this department!

Milestones I am well into my 3rd tri and time is flying. If I were to go into labor now, the baby has a 95% of survival, which is incredibly reassuring. The baby weighs around 4lbs and is about 16in. long! The movement I can see and feel is unreal!

Cravings Milk - drinking a gallon per week. YUM

Aversions - None!!!

What do I miss? Being able to go more than 1 hour without a trip to the bathroom. I tallied my bathroom trips for 24 hrs and I went 17 times!!! Being able to put my socks and shoes on comfortably.

What am I looking forward to? Working on the nursery this weekend! Putting all the baby stuff in its place. Our couple's shower in 2 weeks. Of course, meeting this little one - but not quite yet!

Weight gain - 4lbs at my 30w midwife appt. I was told to start eating more calories so I am working on it. I definitely got my fair share at my shower :)

What do we think we are having? A boy and that seemed to be the general consensus at my shower. We even got a few boy specific gifts and I am not sure why...

Signs of labor? None!!

So, that it is my update. Thank you to those of you who checked in on me during my absence! Hope you are all well.

Back to Reality

2009-09-05T11:20:00.009-04:00

Long time, no see! So many new developments, I don't even know where to start...

We had a wonderful babymoon in Key Biscayne. We relaxed, relaxed, relaxed. We spent each day at the pool where I read my share of Sook.ie Stackhouse novels while lounging or sitting in the glorious salt water pool. I got some sun, but I was diligent with the sunscreen, shade and drinking my water. We scored some nice upgrades along the way, including an oceanfront suite with a kitchen because our room was not ready when we arrived. The kitchen was great - we went shopping the first day and stocked up on lunch stuff, snacks, soda etc... It ended up being a big budget saver. The hotel also gave us a lovely welcome basket since we were celebrating our anniversary and babymoon - 2 hats, a beach bag and a Mama Mio pregnancy relaxation candle. We had a wonderful spa pampering day too! I really enjoyed all the down time with Sean. We talked and dreamed and planned what the next phase of our lives will be like and imagined how vacation with a little one will be. It was just what we needed and I am so glad that Sean surprised me with a trip.

Another major highlight of the trip is that Sean & I got to meet Christi and her sweet baby Cate from "Our Journey". Her blog is private now, but I know many of you "know" her and her long journey to parenthood, made possible by the miracle men and women at CCRM! We met at Pan.era for a few hours and it was such a treat! Christi and I connected in the spring of 2007 during my first IVF and her 2nd. She has been a huge support of advice and support for me and it was really incredible to finally meet someone I consider such an important person in my life.

Ever since the 20w point, I feel like time in flying by! I cannot believe I am now 24w2d pregnant-that is 6 months, folks- and I have just over 15w to go! It has been a serious reality check. I think there was still some level of disbelief that I was actually having a baby any time soon, but now, I feel movement all the time, Sean can feel movement daily, my belly is growing large and you can see it move and jump and all of the sudden it just feels so real. Add on to those tangibles the fact that we start our 5 week hypnobirthing class on Thursday, we have an appt set up to interview a pediatrician, my baby shower invites go out this week, we registered the other day and the fact that the calendar reading September and I find myself in awe most days that this is my life!

While we were registering at BRU on Thursday, I was all smiles - beaming, in fact! I kept saying, I can't believe it is our turn! I can't believe we are picking out things for our baby. I can't believe in a month our home is going to be filled with baby gear and then shortly there after our very own, real live BABY, our son our daughter!!!! When did this happen? Someone pinch me please?!?!

Speaking of registering, after spending countless hours searching the internets for gender neutral bedding that fit my style, I finally picked a set from www.babybedding.com and I looooooove it! The pattern is sage damask and our nursery colors will be sage green and chocolate brown. I think the damask is feminine, but the colors and accent stripes are masculine and I am confident I can make it more of one or the other once we know if Ralphie is a he or a she. The walls in the nursery are already a khaki color and it matches quite nicely, so we have decided not to repaint at this point. Although, I must admit, visions of a sage green top wall with white chair rail and chocolate brown below the chair rail dance in my head, it really is not necessary, especially since we are leasing this home and have no idea how long we will be here. I am so excited to get started with decorating, but my furniture is still a few weeks out and my shower is not until October 25th. Patience, patience, patience!

My mom is doing an incredible job with the shower planning & I am so excited for the big day. She is using the chocolate brown and sage as the colors, my invites have a sage damask background and she has all kinds of cute ideas for centerpieces and favors. 7 weeks from today - eeek!!! Again I say, someone pinch me, please!!!

So, for your reading pleasure, my 24w update!

How am I feeling? Wonderful! I have zero complaints right now. This is definitely the honeymoon stage of pregnancy for me. I also feel really good in my own body, I am not self-conscious about my weight or how I look and that is such a great feeling. One that I have not had in a long time, thanks to my IF weight gain. I really like my pregnant body!

Milestones: 24w - otherwise known as viability day and although I take a teensy bit of comfort in that, it is not really a milestone to celebrate in my mind. We hope and pray that Ralphie stays safe and sound for many more weeks... The belly is moving from the outside! One night on vacation, we put the remote control on my belly and Ralphie was bouncing it all over the place. It was very cool :) Oh - I passed my 1 hour glucose test!!!

Cravings? Still not really having any, but I have been more interested in sweets than I was early on.

Aversions? Still have not been brave enough to try to eat chicken, although with football season upon us, some wings may be in my future!

What do I miss? A glass of wine - especially while we were on vacation.

What am I looking forward to? Our hypnobirthing classes, which start this Thursday! My shower - 7 weeks and counting!!! My first official appt with the midwives at the birthing center at the end of the month!

Weight gain - officially 3.5lbs according the the scale at my Ob's office.

What do we think we are having? Still thinking a boy. We say "he" with such certainty you would think we saw boy parts on the u/s!

So, that is what has been going on in my world. Still feeling very blessed and overjoyed. I have lots I need to say and plan to try to put it all down in the coming weeks...

Checking in and asking for support...

2009-08-22T22:08:00.004-04:00

There has also been some very sad news in the IF/blogging community and I wanted to ask you all to support Brooke, whose 8 week old preemie, Annaleigh, grew angel wings today. Sean & I are just devastated for Brooke and Joe. Annaleigh, Charlie and Lily were born at 25w5d and have been strong little fighters each and every day. A sudden infection, called NEC, took Annaleigh from her parents and siblings at 4:30 this afternoon. I have shed so many tears for this sweet girl and her parents. I cannot even imagine what they are going through. Please visit "Three Cheers for Babies" and offer some words of comfort during their darkest of days. May Annaleigh rest in peace and be a guardian angel to those who loved her most...

Our babymoon begins tomorrow, so I will likely be MIA for the next week. I am doing well, feeling great and very much looking forward to some relaxing and romance with my wonderful husband. I hope to check in a few times, but am going to try hard to stay 'unplugged.' I wish you all a great week!
edited to update the triplets birth to 25w5d, NOT 24w3d

Two Tickets to Paradise...and pics :)

2009-08-10T12:20:00.019-04:00

Whew! What a weekend! Friday was an absolutely wonderful day. We started the day with our level 2 ultrasound and it was amazing! Ralphie was not being overly cooperative and seemed to be having a good time hiding out behind my belly button making it difficult for the tech to get all the images she needed. She did capture some really cute images for us, but I am not sure she was able to get everything she needed of the heart and digestive tract. She said she would leave it up to the OB to decide if he needs to see more. The u/s lasted about 45 min and it was pure joy for us. She was able to go back and forth between 3D images and regular images at the click of a button, so that was pretty cool. Everything looked great to us, but what the heck do we know? I will feel assume that is the case unless I hear differently! Now for some cute pics!

These are totally Sean's legs and my BIG feet! Sean sits like this all the time. My mom said they look like boy legs all the way, and toddler legs at that. In the picture on the right, my little trouble maker appears to be giving the world the finger! Too funny! The whole room was laughing.

After our u/s we went to our favorite place for a yummy breakfast, then we headed home to freshen up. I was excited to see what my sweet hubby had in store. We had decided that we would not buy gifts this year, but we always do cards. Sean suggested we exchange cards before heading out for the afternoon. My first card was a sweet and romantic one, but the second was one of those sound cards and when I opened it, it was playing "Two Tickets to Paradise", I was laughing because I had been singing that all morning in the shower for some reason.

At this point, Sean completely shocks me by announcing that he has planned a vacation for us as an anniversary/babymoon trip. Actually, he knows what a control freak I am, so he had a few different options planned out and let me have some input on the final decision and I am really thankful that he did that.

Our options were: #1- a 9 night Caribbean cruise that went to San Juan, Dominican Republic, a private island and St. Thomas. #2 - a 7 night Bahamas/Grand Turk cruise. #3 - an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. Sean was leaning towards option #1 since it was the longest trip and best value.

So which of these amazing vacations did I choose? None of the above. I know, I am a pain in the ass! Ungrateful even! Hear me out though. We have been on a cruise before and I found it to be an ok experience. I neither loved nor hated it as far as vacations go. My biggest concern was being on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic and needing medical attention beyond what the ship infirmary could provide. The cruise lines have very strict rules about pregnant women cruising and 23w is the cut off. We would be setting sail at 23w exactly and that was ok with permission from my OB.

I called the doctor's office and they said a cruise was fine, but to be advised that I was putting myself at increased risk of H1N1 and other illnesses because of the close quarters of a cruise environment. That kind of sealed the deal for me. I know the odds of something happening are slim, but also not out of the realm of possibility and I really was not comfortable being so far from modern medical care. Things like overheating and dehydration can happen so easily at this stage of pregnancy and though they are simple to treat, they can also require fetal monitoring and testing.

I felt much the same about an all inclusive resort on an island. Slightly better than a cruise, but not exactly state of the art medical facilities in the event of an emergency. So I apologized profusely to my hubby who had spent days and weeks researching options. He completely understood and said that is why he did not just go ahead and book something without my feedback. We put our heads together and came up with a compromise and found a pretty amazing deal in the long run.

We leave in 12 days for Key Biscayne, Florida. It is a small island just outside Miami and just what we are looking for - sun, sand, pool, spa, & relaxation. We are spending 7 days being pampered and spoiled by the ladies and gentlemen of The Ritz Carlton resort. We have vacationed at other Ritz locations and it is always an incredible experience. I really cannot wait! Our flight was CHEAP and the deal at the resort was really unbeatable - our breakfast, valet parking, & internet are all included daily, we got 2 nights free and a complimentary oceanfront room upgrade. Food can definitely get pricey so we plan to head to a grocery store and stock up on water, soda, snacks, fruit, etc... We even got a heck of a deal on a rental car. We may head into Miami for a day of shopping or dining, but we plan to mostly relax, relax, relax! It may not be exactly what Sean was originally thinking but I don't think it could have worked out any better. Now we just need to hope for great weather and NO hurricanes!

Do I have an amazing husband or what??? We spent the rest of the day on Friday playing tourist in our own city and then had a yummy dinner at a new steakhouse. The rest of the weekend was busy, but nice!

Now for a 20w1d belly pic and a pregnancy update!

How am I feeling? Dare I say, great?!?! I really do feel good for the first time in months.

How do I look? Pregnant! I feel really good in my own skin though and I definitely think I have lost weight everywhere but my belly. Not a great pic of me - it is so awkward to take belly pics!

Milestones? I am more than 1/2 way!!! Sean was able to feel the baby from the outside over the weekend and I am so happy that he can finally experience it. Movement felt from the outside is so weird!

Cravings? None recently

Aversions? Chicken

What do I miss? Nothing this week - feeling very content and grateful.

What am I looking forward to? Vacation and quality time with Sean. Registering - hopefully this weekend!

Weight Gain? Down five from the flu, but seem to be back to my pre-flu weight. The OBs scale showed no weight gain last month.

What do we think we are having? My gut feeling? A BOY! I will be in shock if this is a little girl.

I haven't stopped smiling in days. Feeling so very blessed and lucky...

20w & Big U/S Tomorrow!

2009-08-06T21:17:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is a big day - it is our 5 year wedding anniversary and our big ultrasound! We are staying Team Green, so no big announcements tomorrow, but we are so excited to see our little Ralphie in the morning.

I am 20w today and it is crazy to think that we are halfway through this pregnancy! What a milestone!

We both took the day off tomorrow and Sean has all kinds of plans that I am not privy to yet. He did send me a lovely bouquet of daisies today - the official flower of 5 year anniversaries apparently :) He is the sweetest!

I am feeling pretty close to 100% - thanks for all the care and concern. I think I might still be in rehydration mode though - very thirsty!

Despite my excitement about tomorrow, it cannot erase the sadness and grief I feel for Mo & Will.

How incredibly unfair & devastating. Please visit and lend some support.

Operation Rehydration

2009-08-03T12:20:00.003-04:00

The stomach flu and pregnant women do not mix! I don't remember being this sick in a very long time.

Thank goodness Sean and I planned a relaxing weekend catching up on Tr.ue Blood thanks to a free HBO promotion because I felt blah from the moment I woke up on Sunday morning. I was kind of gaggy and I thought my 2 week streak with no morning sickness was coming to an end. I got on the couch and had a bout of diarrhea around 11am and it was all downhill from there. The vomiting began a little while later and just did not stop. I could not keep anything down at all - not water or gatorade or broth. It was a very long day and night.

I called the OB around dinner time and he wasn't too concerned. He said it sounded like a 24 hr bug and that I was ok just sipping on whatever fluid I could muster until it passed. He said if it went beyond 24hrs with no fluids or if I spiked a high fever, I should come into L&D. He advised me to avoid all solids and to try some Immo.dium for some relief. He also gave me the option of coming right into L&D and getting and IV and some anti-nausea meds. I wanted to avoid the hospital, so I told him I would stick it out.

I finally stopped vomiting around 8pm, but the diarrhea continued all night long, every hour on the hour until I finally took the Immo.dium around 4am. I was trying to let it run it course without taking anything, but by 4am, I was feeling a little nervous and so very exhausted. It helped and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I was even able to munch on some ice chips and saltines at that point.

I felt much better when I got up this morning, but, I lost 5lbs in the past 24hrs! My fever broke overnight and I have been able to drink and hold down some Gat.orade and saltines. I feel hung over, sore and beat up.

Today's mission is Operation Rehydration!

A Big Step

2009-08-01T17:47:00.005-04:00

I have not purchased a single baby item since Beta Day when I bought Sean the onesie and bib. I haven't been afraid to, I just haven't been motivated to do much baby shopping. Being Team Green makes it a little easier to show restraint & I know our families are going to go crazy with the gifts. I figure once I start shopping, I won't stop for the next 18 years or so!

That all changed on Thursday because we ordered the nursery furniture! Holy moly! I can't believe I ordered a crib for my house. It is a little surreal.

Sean took the day off and we planned to head to Great Beginnings near Washington, DC for the day. It is a pretty awesome baby store and a HUGE baby/child/teen furniture showroom. They had every furniture line I knew I was interested in, so off we went on our adventure!

Let me just say, my poor husband deserves a medal because even though I knew walking in the door which crib I loved, it still took me nearly 4 hours to commit to a decision. Our salesman was great, but even he gave up on us after a few hours. Part of the problem was that I have an antique armoire that we are using in the nursery and I was trying to find a crib and dresser that balanced out the piece in both style and finish and it was harder than I anticipated. I brought a drawer and a photo with me and that only seemed to complicate the issue. I am an over analyzer and a perfectionist so I was having a hard time finding the right combination and I kept second guessing myself.

This was all complicated by the fact that I wasn't convinced that I wanted a lifetime crib - I like the look of them as cribs, but I am not sure we will ever convert it to the full size bed. When the time comes, it will depend on many factors - space, condition of the furniture, how many children we have etc... We did not order the conversion kit yet because of my indecision on that issue. In addition, even though Bab.y Bargains, gave my first choice furniture an "A" rating, it has gotten mixed reviews online in regards to the finish holding up over time and that concerned me a little. The store reassured me that this line in their number one seller and has been for a few years and they have very little complaints about the brand.

In the long run, we settled on the crib that I had my eye for almost 2 months now and was the leading favorite when we walked through the door. I wish I could have saved myself three and half hours and a great deal of anxiety by just trusting my gut in the first place! You will not be surprised to hear that I am like this about all major purchases in my life. When I was looking at wedding invitations, I fell in love with the "one" in the first book, but I had to look at every book in the store before I could commit. I have issues!

The manager was wonderful and even honored our 15% BRU coupon even though he technically wasn't supposed to because BRU doesn't sell this line. I think he just felt sorry for Sean! All the sales people were laughing at us. They couldn't believe I finally made a decision and they weren't surprised to hear that I went with my first choice.

I couldn't even bring myself to think about gliders while we were there because the fabric choices alone would have paralyzed me for a few more hours and we were both DONE at that point! I hope to decide on that in the next few weeks though. We have it narrowed down to 3 chairs and have an idea of what kind of fabric we want, so it shouldn't be too agonizing of a decision for me. Yea, right!

So, without further ado, here is a photo of our new crib!

It is a Munire Newport crib in Classic Chestnut. We also ordered the six drawer dresser which is not shown in this photo. We love the bookcase and nightstand, but can always add to collection later.

I am thrilled with our purchase and cannot wait until it arrives! Too bad it will take 10-14 weeks. Oh well, that should give me and my neuroses plenty of time to make other nursery decisions - paint, bedding, decor...Eeek!!!

Thank you and a pic!

2009-07-25T11:20:00.006-04:00

Thank you all so much for your positive and supportive comments about our desire to have a natural childbirth in a birthing center environment. Even you 100% disagree with my choice and think I am stark raving mad for even considering it, I never would have known from the comments. I have to admit, I was bracing myself for a full spectrum of comments and I am happy to say that everyone was completely respectful. A big thank you to all the lurkers who came out of lurkerdom to lend support, ask a question, share a story or cheer me on!

To answer the question about where I found the statistics on C-section and episiotomy rates, my midwife provided them, but said they are available online. I have not tried, but I imagine they are not easy to find. Our midwife also told us that you can request your OB's stats directly from them and they are required by law to provide them. I am sure they have stats on the hospitals where they deliver as well.

My biggest advice to any pregnant woman, regardless of what type of birth you would like to have, is to educate yourself about what will happen to you. Ask questions, be informed, know what your OB's policies and stats are. I had NO IDEA that I had almost 50% risk of having a c-section by delivering at my local hospital! That was just not acceptable to me and scared the crap out of me!

Speaking of fear, many of you commented that you are scared to death of pain and natural childbirth. Honestly, I am scared to death of induction (which is far more intense than naturally occurring contractions), being literally strapped to a bed by 16 different monitoring/medical devices, being paralyzed from the waist down (freaks me out beyond belief), having my vagina cut and/or having a C-Section . Those are the things that cause me major anxiety! Natural childbirth is far less intimidating to me.

I am currently reading Pushed by Jennifer Block and I think it should be required reading for every woman long before she ever becomes pregnant. I am just blown away by the information in the book.

Ok, on to some fun stuff.

18w Summary

How am I feeling? Last week was my worst week in awhile. I got sick many times and had the pleasure of vomiting in public again. Sean & I had lunch at a local Mexican place and I thought I was keeping it simple by having soup and a cheese quesadilla, but apparently the baby did not agree. It was NOT pleasant and I was apologizing profusely to the other ladies who had the unfortunate luck of having to use the restroom at that moment.

How do I look? You be the judge! As promised, here is a long overdue belly pic.

This was taken at 18w exactly and according to my mother, I look exhausted. I think the belly looks huge and it is hard to believe that it has a lot more growing to do!

Milestones- I am definitely feeling the baby moving! It is the most wonderful feeling. I would describe it as a fish swimming, butterfly wings flapping or a thumping feeling depending on the movement. I feel Ralphie several times per day now and I can't wait until it gets stronger and Sean can feel it too!

What am I craving? Lots of peanut butter and eggs this week. I must need the protein!

Aversions? Apparently, Mexican food and I no longer get along. I don't think it is a coincidence that both times I have been sick in public, I have eaten Mexican food. I have not gone near chicken in months and don't plan to.

What do I miss? Really enjoying my food. I am apprehensive about eating many foods because I am afraid of getting sick. When something does taste good, (and it that is rare) I am only able to eat small portions as I get full very fast.

What am I looking forward to? Starting the nursery! Our plan is to order the furniture next weekend.

Weight gain - We will see what the OB's official scale says on Monday, but according to my scale, I am up 7lbs total since transfer, but only 2lbs since my 1st appt at 8w. I feel like I have lost weight in my face and the rest of my body, but my belly is absolutely growing and changing.

Discovery of the week? Amazon's Universal Registry!!! I am obsessed. I never knew this existed. I love that I can add any item from any website on the planet and have it on one registry. I have been able to register for a hard to find Graco pattern, cloth diapers, boutique items etc...We still plan to register at a local BRU for convenience, but I am in love with Amazon :)

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

The Birthing Center

2009-07-22T11:01:00.005-04:00

18 weeks tomorrow and I cannot believe it is July 22! Where is summer going? My pregnancy is flying by and I am almost at the halfway point. My next, and likely last, OB appointment is Monday morning.

Sean and I have made the decision to switch to a midwifery group in our area. We came to this conclusion after examining several factors. First, my OB is 45 min away and delivers at a hospital 1 hr away. The midwives are 10min away and give you the option to deliver at their birthing center or at a hospital which is 15min away from our home. Second, I get the vibe from my OB practice that they would not 100% respect my plan for a natural birth. At our very first appt, I asked about their views and the doc told me, "It's your choice, but just know that epidurals were invented by women for women. If you want to be in pain, I don't really care." Not exactly the level of support I was hoping for. They also deliver at a hospital that has one of the highest C-section rates in our area and has the reputation of being the place to go if you are "too posh to push." Finally, while most of our appts have been ok, I just don't feel a level of personal care from the group. At the midwifery group, I feel like you become part of a family, which is what I loved so much about my RE's practice.

At this point, I feel like it is time for a disclaimer. Birthing a child is a very personal decision and people have very strong feelings regarding the process. I am simply sharing my experiences and impressions. I am by no means trying to preach to anyone or convince anyone that my choice is the better one or pass judgement on one birth choice over another. I respect your childbirth choices and hope that you will respect mine.

Ever since I was a young woman, I have always desired a natural birth experience. Going through invasive fertility treatments only strengthened my desire to do so. My mom had me naturally, I have a sister in law who had an amazing home birth, and I feel like I have been exposed to many positive birth stories that have further convinced me that this is what I want. Since starting my 2nd trimester I have begun to read and research my options regarding natural childbirth. I read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and although I found it a little difficult to relate to some of the birth stories in the beginning, the book really spoke to me and I learned a lot. In case you are wondering, my issue with some of the birth stories in the beginning is that I do not live on a commune and I didn't feel it was an accurate representation of how the modern woman in 2009 has a natural childbirth. Inspiring? Absolutely. In addition to the book, I joined a natural birth group online and began reading natural birth stories. All of this convinced me that I needed to explore options other than my OB's office, which led me to discover the midwives and their birthing center.

Sean & I toured the birthing center on Monday night and loved it. I wasn't sure how Sean felt going into it; I kinda thought he might just be humoring me, but in the end, he was 100% on board. There were 12 couples touring and that was exciting to me. One of the midwives spoke to us for over and hour and then opened the floor to questions before we toured the center. There are 3 midwives and an OB on staff and they are affiliated with our local hospital. Patients have a few options when they choose to become a patient of the practice. As long as you have a routine pregnancy, you can choose to deliver at the birthing center with the midwives. If it is more within your comfort level, you can deliver at the local hospital with the midwives. If you choose a hospital delivery, your midwife will stay by your side the entire time and work within hospital policies to accommodate your birth plan. The final possibility is if you are high risk in any way, you must deliver at the hospital. Again, your midwife will be at your side and help you achieve your goals and still have your high risk condition monitored in a hospital environment.

Ideally, as long as I continue to have a healthy, low risk pregnancy we would like to deliver at the birthing center, but I still have to sit down one on one with the midwives and make sure this is our best option.

Here are some highlights from our tour:

There are 3 birthing suites that look just like a master bedroom.
Each suite has a water birthing jacuzzi tub. YAY!
There is a full kitchen and there are no restrictions on mom being able to eat or drink during labor.
Mom is not required to have an IV during labor, but they are available in the event of dehydration.
No artificial means of induction (no pitocin, cytotec, cervadil etc...)
They will not rupture membranes.
Fetal monitoring only done with a doppler so Mom has full range of motion.
No time limit on labor.
Birthing chair, stool and ball available in each suite.
Fully equipped for emergencies (resuscitation equipment, oxygen, anti-hemorrhage meds etc...)
Right next to a fire station and an 8 min. ambulance ride to the hospital in the event of an emergency.
C-section rate of 8%, compared to 49% in the local hospital.
Episiotomies performed rarely - once or twice per year or less - compared to 79% of all vaginal deliveries at the local hospital.
Cord is allowed to pulsate for 5 min. before cutting.
Baby is not removed from Mom until Mom is ready - most babies bond with mom and dad for about 2 hours before they are removed in anyway.
You can go home within 4hrs of delivery if you have showered, peed and eaten.
No limit on the number of family and friends that can be present.
You can change your mind and head to the hospital at any point.

Overall, we felt their philosophy matched up well with ours. Whether we deliver in the birthing center or at the hospital, I believe we will have an experience that we will be happy with. I am not naive enough to believe that complications cannot arise, but I feel 100% comfortable and confident that we will be in good hands.

If you have had a natural birth or a birthing center delivery, I would love to hear more about your experiences!

So much to say

2009-07-13T10:37:00.004-04:00

I know, I know, I disappeared again and for a long time. I am so sorry! On an almost daily basis I think about something to blog about, but I never actually sit down to write. I want to, I really do!

We have been pretty busy this summer - weddings, parties, cookouts, traveling to Buffalo etc... We spent the holiday weekend in Buffalo celebrating our Goddaughters' birthday parties and attending a family reunion on my Dad's side. It was a great trip and a wonderful reminder of how much love and support is awaiting this baby. We received some adorable baby gifts. My mom bought some super cute sleepers and onesies and my aunt from Ireland knitted a beautiful blanket and hat. It was exciting to get our first gifts!!! My mom also won one of those small, Fl.ip video cameras at a golf tournament and she gave it to Sean as a Father's Day gift. It is so cool! It is an HD video camera that is the size of a digital camera. Perfect for posting cute videos of the baby! All in all, it was a wonderful weekend and reinforced to us that Buffalo is where we want to raise our family.

Our plan is still to move back home and we are thinking it might be a possibility in about a year or so, but it really depends on Sean's new job and whether or not they can work out way from him to telecommute. Now that my mom is awaiting the birth of her first (and possibly only) grandchild she is anxious for us to come home, or else she said she might have to move here! That would be incredible, but we ultimately want to be back in Buffalo with our entire family.

Speaking of the grandparents, my mom, step dad and Sean's parents have booked their flights to come down for Ralphie's birth!!! Even though it is still months down the line, my Christmas Eve due date really complicates travel arrangements. Sou.thwest had $49 flights and they book really fast due to the holiday, so when they saw available, cheap flights they booked them. They are all going to arrive on 12/23 - one day before my EDD. My in laws are planning to stay one week and my parents are staying two. There is really no way to predict if the baby will come early, late or right on time. We figured at least, they have their tickets and if I go early, they can always exchange them. If I go late, they are already here to celebrate the holiday and if I am right on time - even better! Driving really wasn't an option because Sean's mom hates traveling by car (the women has panic attacks in the car for 20mins, let alone 7 hours) and the weather in December is too unpredictable going through those mountains in PA. I wasn't crazy about my mom driving like a maniac trying to make it in time & running the risk of missing the birth all together if I went fast, they hit bad weather etc... I feel better knowing they have a plan!

In other baby news, Sean & I have started really thinking about our major baby purchases. We spent all day Saturday at Great Beginnings (rated as one of the best baby stores in the country by B.aby Bargains) near DC and it was so much fun. Overwhelming, but fun. The place is HUGE! The furniture showroom was incredible - they must have had 75 nursery sets on the floor. Every name brand and some hard to find ones too. We have narrowed our furniture choices down to two and hope to order in the next two weeks. The salespeople were incredible. They were truly experts in their field. Looking at car seats and strollers was like shopping for a new car - the salespeople were that knowledgeable about the products. Getting close to making a decision there to - I am thinking stroller frame and either the Gra.co Snugride or Chi.cco Keyfit. After seeing the installation demo in store, I am leaning more towards the keyfit at this point. Gender neutral bedding is proving to be difficult and I have a possibility in mind, but want to go look at fabric as well. We are going to register right after our big u/s in a few weeks!

My family has booked my shower for October 25th and it feels like that is going to be here before we know it! I feel like time is flying by now that I am in the 2nd tri and there is so much to do to get ready for this little one's arrival. I can't wait to start pulling it all together!

I am officially 16w4d pregnant and here is a recent rundown.

How am I feeling? Still vomiting. It is less frequent - only once a week or so now, but I wish it would stop for good. I feel like I have more energy, but can still sleep like a champ. I am finally off progesterone and estr.ace and am having massive mood swings. I am not sure if it has anything to do with being off the meds, or if it is just pregnancy, but it has hit me hard. I have been pretty even keeled up until the past few days and now my hormones are all over the place. Mad, sad, angry, happy, giddy...all in the span of a few minutes. Poor Sean!

How do I look? Pregnant. Perhaps I will post a belly pic in coming weeks. My family was surprised how much my belly had changed since Memorial day weekend. I don't feel like my body is changing anywhere else - just a round belly and bigger boobs.

Milestones? I *think* I may have felt movement a few days ago, but I cannot be sure. I was sound asleep and had been laying on my right side for about 6 hours straight. I was just stirring because I had to pee and roll over. As a rolled over to my left side, it felt like something did a huge somersault in my belly. My eyes flew wide open and my hand went right to my belly. I have never felt anything like it, but I haven't felt it since either, so I am really not sure. I am anxious to feel movement more frequently though!

What is Ralphie up to? Growing so big and strong! He or she is the size of an avocado - far cry from my little poppy seed - and weighs almost 4oz. He or she is urinating, has taste buds, is hiccuping, may be sucking its thumb and moving like crazy.

What am I craving? Potbelly Italian Sandwiches - YUM! Subway Veggie Subs.

Aversions? Chicken

What do I miss? Wine. A perfectly chilled glass of white wine on a hot summer's night. A rich pinot noir with a steak fresh off the grill.

What am I looking forward to? More movement, registering, ordering the furniture, and starting the nursery.

Weight gain? Officially, just 1lb. That is according to my OBs scale, but I did not have my first appt with them until 8w and between 4-8w I gained 3-4 lbs. So, unofficially, I am up closer to 5lbs, both me and my OB are fine with it.

What am I reading? What to Expect..., Your Preg. Week by Week, Bab.y Bargains, and Ina May's Guide to Chi.ldbirth.

Speaking of Ina May's book, although I like my OB practice, I am planning on touring a birthing center in the next few weeks. I have always wanted to experience natural childbirth and based on a few of the docs comments, I am not sure how supportive they would be. Additionally, Sean is concerned about how far my OB and the hospital is - almost in hour in no traffic and good weather. The birthing center and the hospital they are affiliated with are only 15 minutes away. I am planning a more detailed post on this topic in the future.

I think that wraps things up - sorry so long, this what happens when it has been 3 weeks since I last updated! Oh! One last thing, please stop by Meinsideout's blog and wish her HUGE congratulations! She is one of the biggest cheerleaders in the blogosphere and she has good news to share. She could also use thoughts, prayers and good vibes that this is her sticky miracle.

Adventures in Pregnancy

2009-06-22T11:59:00.004-04:00

Helllloooooo 2nd trimester! How very exciting to be here! I feel like we have checked a huge milestone off the list. I wish I could say I was feeling better, but let me share with you how I kicked off the 2nd tri...

Sean & I went out for a quick dinner at Ch.ipotle last night. I have only had it twice since I got pg and it has definitely left me gaggy in the past, but I thought that had more to do with my chicken aversion than anything else. I am only feeling luke warm about red meat and chicken is an absolute no, so I played it safe and ordered a veggie burrito bowl. It was a beautiful night so we decided to dine on the patio. We are eating and chatting when all the sudden my stomach started flipping and churning. I held my hand up for Sean to be quiet and he must have known because he said, "There is a trash can right behind you!" I bolted from my seat and promptly horfed into the public trash can. So much fun, I cannot even tell you. Needless to say, I threw away the rest of my dinner and Chi.potle is off the list for me. Sean said I turned 3 shades of green before all the color drained from my face completely. We had a good laugh about it later! I have no idea what my body rejected about it, but the baby is clearly not a fan! Thank goodness Chipot.le was not a Father's Day dining hot spot and there were not too many people around. It was still embarrassing though.

The night before we dined at our favorite Greek place and I almost lost it there too, but that was directly related to tempting fate and eating a bite of chicken. I have always been a morning barfer so this past week of evening sickness is messing with my head. My food aversions definitely seem worse and barfing in public is definitely a new low for me! So much for the 2nd tri! :)

Sean had a nice Daddy-to-be Day. I bought him a digital picture frame for his office and we went out to lunch and to buy new cell phones. He got an iphone and he is enamored with it! I don't think he put it down all day. He even downloaded the pregnancy app - too cute! I finally got a phone with a full keyboard and even though I am lusting after his phone, I am pretty happy with mine too. We also decided to poke around Babies R Us a bit after lunch. We had fun looking at all the gear and deciding what we might like. You should have seen us trying to get the infant seats out of the strollers - we are hopeless! Sean found a teeny-tiny jean skirt that had him all
a-twitter. He thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen. I have waited so long to wish my husband a Happy Father's Day - it was like a dream come true. I cannot even imagine what next year will be like when our son or daughter is here to celebrate with Daddy!

In other news, I finally changed the title of my blog and updated some info in the side bar! Big accomplishments for a self-proclaimed blog slacker!

I am also very excited to tell you that my best friend, Amanda, is also pregnant! Not only are we pregnant at the same time, we are due just 10 days apart! It is a girl's dream to share a huge milestone in her life with her best friend. I do pity our husbands though. We are going to be a site to behold!

In other pregnancy news, there are BFPs to celebrate so pop on over and visit Sprogblogger and Bella and share in their happy news!

We have a wedding to go to this weekend and I have NO idea what I am going to wear. I am also nervous about my new "barfing-in-public-while-dining" trick. Can you imagine??? Oh the horror! I would DIE!

Less than 3 weeks to go before I go off of Estrace and Endometrin. I have no idea why, but my RE wanted me to stay on them until 16 weeks. It feels like overkill to me, but I'll do what I gotta do!

Ok, I have not done one of these in a few weeks, so, in honor of the 2nd tri, here is my summary...

How am I feeling? I think we have covered that in detail ;) I have been sleeping A LOT - 12 hours on some nights minus the 10 trips to the bathroom.

Milestones: Second trimester - woo-hooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Ralphie up to? He or she is about the size of a peach and weighs around 1oz. The baby may be sucking its thumb and is practicing breathing in & out.

What am I craving? Pizza, pizza, & more pizza! Honey nut Cheerios.

Aversions: Chicken and Chipotle

What do I miss? My sex drive is still MIA. Hoping it will kick into high gear as I get into 2nd tri! I think coming off the Estrace will help too! Hoping, hoping, hoping ;)

What am I looking forward to? Oh! So much! I am so excited about this trimester. I can't wait to feel the first flutters & movement! Registering, the big u/s (even though we are not finding out the gender), getting a distinct baby bump, & feeling better (hopefully) just to name a few things!

That about wraps it up! Despite the m/s, I am overjoyed to be pregnant and trying to enjoy every moment. It feels more real every single day and I am looking forward to all the milestones that await. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me...

Blogger-Block

2009-06-16T13:45:00.006-04:00

I seem to have a case of pregnancy related "blogger-block." I want to write more often, I swear I do. I don't even know where the time goes!

I am officially on summer vacation - well, sort of. My school year tutoring is finished and I start my summer families on Friday. My summer schedule is much less demanding than my school year tutoring and this summer I am really limiting it. 3 days of tutoring max - compared to 5-6 during the school year. I am looking forward to the downtime and plan to be a little stingy about time commitments. Summer goes too fast!

Sean & I spent the first 5 days of summer vacation at the beach. We had a nice time, though the weather was not overly cooperative. We had a good bit of rain, cloudy days and cooler temps. We were able to relax a lot, sleep in, eat good food, shop the outlets etc... We did hit the beach for a few hours on Sunday and it was lovely. I did manage to get a bit of a sunburn on my arms and shins. I forgot that pregnant women are more susceptible to sunburn - I almost never burn & I usually tan easily. I wore sunscreen, but I was not diligent about it. It's wasn't a bad burn and it already turning brown, but it was a good reminder to be extra careful during the hot, sunny days ahead.

Fortunately, I felt great the entire time and did not throw up 1 time the whole trip! I even felt like I had a little more energy and didn't feel the general sense of ick. I was able to eat a greater variety of foods including lots of veggies and even some seafood (I have been seafood averse)!

I really thought I was turning a corner with the morning sickness since I had gone 5 days without getting sick; however, I was wrong. We got home yesterday and last night around 8pm, totally out of the blue, I was violently ill. The exact same thing happened when we traveled to Buffalo over Memorial Day weekend. I guess I can't complain about feeling great when traveling!

It was Libby's first trip to the beach! She loved the sand, but the ocean really freaked her out. Mini schnauzers are not really beach dogs - their coats are not made for sand and water. She was a messy dog! She is so spoiled - she prefers her comfy couch and a/c to sun & sand anyday. She is not exactly outdoorsy! It was so great to have her there with us though.

I am in the final days of my first trimester which is hard to believe! Time really seems to be flying! I will be so thankful to have the first tri behind me and let out a little sigh of relief. I think I am starting to look pregnant instead of just fluffy and bloated, but that could just be wishful thinking :) I am almost exclusively in maternity pants and so love the comfort factor! I am wearing some regular tops as long as they are roomy and don't cling to the belly or ride up. The few maternity tops I have don't look "maternity" or else I would look ridiculous!

Before we left for the beach, I had my NT scan. It went very well! The doctor said the fluid at the back of the neck and measurements were all within normal measurements. I will get the full report with statistics at my appt next week. The u/s itself was good. I just love seeing "Ralphie" on the big screen. He/she was super active at first and we loved seeing the baby doing gymnastics in there. When the doc came into to do her part of the scan, my bladder was too full and after she left me empty a little, Ralphie was no longer in the mood to cooperate. The doc slightly annoyed us because she tried to get some images for all of 30 seconds before she said, "Oh well! The baby is not in the right position. I have seen enough, you are all set." We were a little bummed. Honestly, my last u/s was much more detailed and I was slightly disappointed by this one. We got 2 pics, but Sean stole them for his office. Now we have a long haul before the next u/s!

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but we will not be finding out the sex. We are Team Green all the way! We have always wanted it to be a surprise, but going through IVF reaffirmed that for us as IVF takes so much of the surprise factor out of everything. We are looking forward to that big moment in the delivery room!

I promise to try to write a first tri wrap up/second tri kickoff later this week!

Birthday, Baby Clothes and Bleeding. Oh my!

2009-06-03T13:17:00.009-04:00

Wow! Just when I say I am going to make an effort to be a better blogger, I disappear for almost 2 weeks. Sorry!

We had a wonderful time in Buffalo visiting with family & friends. In fact, Sean & my parents threw me a surprise party for my 30th birthday. I was truly surprised and had a great time catching up and celebrating with everyone. The party was in my parent's yard - we had tons of yummy picnic food, cake, desserts, games and fun. I told them it is a good thing I am pregnant and totally distracted or I would have totally been on to them! I thought my in-laws were coming over for dinner and spent the first few minutes that guests arrived being very confused and thinking people were being rude for showing up unannounced! HA! They decided against the traditional "surprise" where we walk in and everyone is already there because they didn't think they could pull it off and did not want to give me a heart attack. Instead, they had people all arrive at a certain time - I was certainly surprised! It was wonderful!

I received some really thoughtful gifts including lots of gift cards for a maternity clothes, barnes and noble gift cards, a beautiful sterling silver bracelet engraved with the word "Believe", tickets to the symphony and a gorgeous Blue Topaz pendant - the baby's birthstone - which totally takes my breath away every time I see it.

I never thought 30 would feel so good. It was the best birthday in many, many years. I feel like all of our dreams are coming true...

While we were home, my sister-in-law had me go through all of her maternity clothes. She has had 3 pregnancies & had a ton of clothes in every size and every season. She is a tiny person, so there wasn't a ton that was going to fit, but I took all her XLs and have a decent amount of stuff to go through & try on. She is done having children and had 6 bins of baby clothes set aside for me!!! She has 3 girls and the clothes are amazing! All Gymboree and she has the entire line for each collection - hats, shoes, tights, hair bows etc.... There are HUNDREDS of outfits from 0-18mo. If "Ralphie" is a girl, she is going to be set with clothes for a very long time! There is a decent number of gender neutral sleepers and a few outfits that could work either way. Even if Ralphie is a boy, I am keeping the bins in storage in case girls are in our future because the stuff is just too cute and in too good of shape to get rid of. It is crazy to have bins of baby clothes in my own house in my baby's nursery! She also gave me a few toys and a pack & play to keep at my mom's house. We made out like bandits and are so thankful to Alison for all the goodies!

I was lucky enough to feel fantastic during our entire trip home - Ralphie was really cooperating for me! It was the best I had felt in a few weeks, in fact I thought maybe the ICK and m/s was behind me, I was wrong, but it was nice to feel good for 4 days.

This past week has not been as smooth. I started having some spotting on Friday morning and it lasted on & off all weekend. It seemed to come on first thing in the morning either right after vomiting or right after putting in my suppository. I would get right on the couch, drink my water and it would subside. I was not too concerned because it wasn't heavy and there was no cramping, but it was a little unsettling. My mom made me promise that if I had any more spotting that I would call the OB right away. Monday morning there was another episode so I called and they wanted to see me right away.

The OB did an internal and there was no sign of active bleeding and there was no blood in my urine. My cervix was closed and looked "great." She told me right off that bat that she was sending me to have a u/s "just in case" and that she was going to try to find the hb with the doppler. She warned me that with my retroverted uterus and being a little fluffy in the middle that she may not be able to find it. She told me not to freak out, but that was easier said than done. After an agonizing few minutes, we all breathed a sigh of relief as she located the baby's heartbeat at a strong 161bpm. She said that was a great sign, but that she still wanted to me to go for the u/s. Her two theories are that the supps are irritating my cervix and/or I am rupturing blood vessels when I vomit. JOY!

I was not able to get in for a u/s until yesterday, but it was AMAZING! By far, the coolest one yet. Ralphie was super active and moving around and swimming like a fishy. I could not believe how much the baby was moving! I heard the h/b which is always music to my ears. I could not believe how much Ralphie has grown in just a little more than 2 weeks. Our u/s tech was so thorough and my u/s was so long. I could have stared at that screen all day long! She printed out 5 super cute pics for me to show off to family. The bleeding was scary, but it was almost worth it to get another peek at the baby. Next up, my NT scan in just about a week!

Here are some pics: the first one is a front view of the face. Honestly, it is a little alien like and maybe even a little creepy, but a face mother could love :) I do love the way he seems to be waving or saluting us. The second one is the side profile and just cute as can be! It says "BOY" to me all the way for some reason.

I missed my 9 week summary & since I am 10w6d today, I will do a combined summary.

How am I feeling: It really depends on the day. I am still getting m/s first thing in the am and feeling pretty tired. The nighttime waking to go pee is super annoying!

Milestones: Seeing the baby move like crazy! Oh & turning 30!

What is Ralphie up to? He or she is the size of a small plum this week and measured over 4cm on u/s. Bones are hardening, nails & hair are growing. He or she will respond to poking and prodding.

What am I craving? Oranges, cucumbers, chocolate milk.

Aversions: Nothing recently

What do I miss: Still missing my sex drive. Last seen sometime in early April. Hoping to have sex sometime in the next few weeks...

Quotes of the week: 1. said at my party by a family friend, "I think now that you have gotten pregnant, you aren't going to need IVF anymore. It happens all the time, you know. When the baby comes you won't have time to focus on getting pregnant and it will just happen. You never know!" I tried to explain that me being pregnant has no impact on Sean's sperm count, but about half way through I just decided to save my breath... #2 said by none other than MY HUSBAND! "I think you are talking yourself into throwing up, it's mind over matter!" Seriously??? Because I enjoy gagging and dry heaving and throwing up bile for 5 minutes straight! He is in the dog house!

A week from today is my last day of tutoring for the school year. It is a busy time - exams start tomorrow! Next Thursday, Sean & I leave for Dewey Beach for 5 days and when we come back I start my summer tutoring. I am excited for the beach and looking forward to some r&r, sunshine and shopping!

I cannot believe the school year is over and June is here. Time is flying! C'mon 2nd tri!

Slacker

2009-05-23T09:45:00.009-04:00

I have been a terrible blogger lately and I apologize to everyone. Not only have I been a slacker about posting, but I am way behind on my reading and commenting too! I blame "Ralphie" for my new found slackerdom. I wish I could say my laziness was limited to my blogging, but I have been pretty useless across the board. Thank goodness my husband rocks! He is becoming quite the house husband ;)

Last Friday morning and we had our first OB appt. I have always loved my doc, but I had no idea how different it is when you are a pregnant patient. They really rolled out the red carpet. I met a doc I had not seen before and he was great. He was thorough and patient and candid. The appt started with some basic health questions and an internal exam with pap. Then, I got dressed and we had a sit down in the office where he went through all kinds of info and answered our questions. He told me to call whenever I have a question or concern. He recognized how much we have been through and said worrying is 100% normal. He is pretty laid back about things like lunch meat and soft cheese, but he did stress that the soft cheese has to be pasturized. He also told us that the FDA recommendation for EVERYONE is to heat lunch meat before consumption and obviously not many people do that. He joked that he has never seen a patient die from a deli sandwich and moderation is the key. I have not wanted deli meat, so it has been a non-issue so far, but I did have a chicken finger sub last night smothered in blue cheese and it was sooooooooo good. Anyway, I our appt was great and we head back on June 4th. The only downside is that insurance does not cover u/s @ the office so I had to schedule one off site on Monday. See the wrap up below for details!

In spite of the fact that I am 9w2d pregnant, I am going to devote this post to the 8 week wrap up.

How am I feeling? Not so good. After a long weekend of feeling AWFUL - exhausted, queasy and YUCKY overall, on Tuesday morning @ 8w4d, I started vomiting. Luckily, it has not been too bad. It is averaging every other day and only in the morning as soon as I get out of the shower. The good news is that on the days that I get sick, I feel great the rest of the day.

Milestones of the week: There have been a few this week. My first ob appt, u/s and hearing the heartbeat. The u/s was AMAZING! Ralphie has grown so much in just 2 weeks. He was really starting to look like a baby. Sean got to see the baby move its arms and we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It was 171bpm and the most beautiful sound we have ever heard. The tears started running and just wouldn't stop. It was incredible. I think a doppler is in my future, because I could listen to that sound all day long.

What is Ralphie up to? He or she is the size of a kidney bean and has webbed fingers and toes and is constantly moving around.

What am I craving? Carbs, lots and lots of carbs.

Aversions: Anything can set me off to feeling awful without warning.

Weight Gain: +3 total. OB wants me to limit my weight gain to 15-20 max, so I am going to have to be careful. Right now though, if something sounds good and tastes good, I eat it.

Discovery of the week: Motherhood Maternity Secret Belly capris. Yes, I broke down and bought a pair and I looooove them. The bella band works with most of my pants and jeans, but for some reason, it did not work out with my jean capris and those are a staple of my wardrobe so I had to find a solution. I am also looking quite plump in regular shirts so I bought some cute ruched tops at Motherhood that don't look maternity at all, but don't make me look quite so fat because they don't cling to the belly in all the wrong places.

What do I miss? My sex drive :(

All in all, it was a great week! We decided to head up to Buffalo for the holiday weekend and to celebrate my 30th birthday and my Mom's birthday. The drive was good and we are enjoying ourselves. I will be sure to do my 9 week update sooner than later and try to be a better blogger! Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend!

Finally, some pics from our u/s. The first one is the side view and the head is pointed down and the feet are curled up at the top. The 2nd one is the front view and you can see both arms and legs in this shot. I am so in love!!!

Finally, a new post!

2009-05-11T16:50:00.006-04:00

I have probably sat down to write some version of this post 5 different times, but something always gets in the way. I have been tired (oh, so tired) and busy, but I am just up from a nap and find myself with a few hours before work. Heck, I even managed to make dinner tonight - it has been a very good day!

First, I want to wish every one of my readers a Happy Mother's Day. I know it is a tough day for many of us and for many different reasons. As Jill said in her latest post, I feel each one of us is already a mother in our hearts. Why else would we go through hell and back to have a child? So whether you are already a mom, a mommy-to-be, mommy to an angel, or a mother in your heart I wish you many blessings today. May all your dreams come true!

My "first" Mother's Day as a mom-t0-be was nice, but busy. I received many sweet cards from family and friends and my mom sent me a gift card to Mothe.rhood Maternity (just in time, might I add!). Sean bought me a sweet card and wrote notes from him, Libby and the baby. It was very sweet. I had to work for a few hours in the morning and then we went to a cookout at my aunt and uncle's house. I missed my Mom a lot today and wished we had planned a trip to Buff.alo to see everyone. It was a day filled with many different emotions - awe, fear, disbelief, love and hope. I can't believe I am finally pregnant; there is another heart beating inside my body and a little baby growing big & strong everyday. It is pretty awe inspiring!

Sean continues to pamper me - cooking, cleaning, laundry, waiting on me hand & foot. He really impressed me yesterday by assembling some pretty spectacular fruit, veggie and cheese platters for Mother's Day. He is so protective and I love it. Every night he gives me a belly rub with Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter and talks to the baby. It is the sweetest thing.

Some of you have asked why we are calling the baby Ralphie and/or Baby Saucy. My stepfather named the baby Ralphie within a day of finding out I was pregnant. I have no idea why, but it could be the Christmas due date/A Christmas Story connection. It has kind of stuck, especially for my family. Saucy is Sean's nickname. He is a redhead and a few years back a coworker from South America started calling him Saucy because in his country they call redheads "Sauceheads". To say that stuck would be an understatement, in some circles, he is exclusively known as Saucy or Sauce. I would love, love, love a little redheaded baby!

I am 7w4d today and here is a weekly summary:

How am I feeling? Tired and a strong sense of "ICK". Not really nauseous, but a very unsettled tummy. Oh the bloat!! None of my pants button and if it wasn't for the belly band, I would be a miserable momma. Hair & nails growing, growing, growing!!

Milestone of the week: Far & away - seeing the baby's heartbeat (although technically that was 6w5). I have my 1st OB appt this Friday and hoping to sneak another peek!

What is the baby up to? He or she is the size of a blueberry and growing fast. He/she is busy growing arms & legs. Pigment has developed in the eyes and the baby already has an appendix and a pancreas. He or she is 10,000 times larger than the day of conception.

What am I craving? Not too much - waffles sounded really good today. Most things sound good, but I change my mind a few bites in.

Aversions? Applesauce, gum and seafood.

Weight gain: +2lbs

Discovery of the week: Baby Bargains Book 8th edition. A mommy friend sent it to me last week and I big, puffy heart LOVE it! I am easily overwhelmed by large purchases and this book breaks it all down. I can't wait to start shopping - c'mon 2nd tri!

What do I miss? My sex drive and red wine *sigh*

Quote of the week: Sean upon observing the nighttime bloat, "Oh my God! You are gonna be HUGE!!!" LOL! Thanks, babe! ;)

The Big Reveal

2009-05-05T13:26:00.007-04:00

Today is a day I will remember forever. I saw my sweet, little baby's heart beating for the first time and it was an amazing site to see.

I was so anxious going in to my appt. and my clinic never makes you wait long and of course this morning we waited FOREVER! At one point Sean joked that he was going to hit the lights and get started without Dr. P. This made me crack up!

Dr. P finally came in and we got started. I am not sure I was even breathing. He turned the monitor towards him and right away he said, "It's good news! We have a heartbeat! There's only one!" Then, he turned the monitor towards us so we could take it all in. The baby is soooooo small, just a 1/2 cm, but the flicker of the heartbeat was very clear. Sean & I just stared in awe at the screen. Dr. P did not see anything that he thinks would have caused the bleeding, but did say I have a pocket of old blood that I could likely pass. At least I can be on the look out now.

After the u/s, Dr. P had us meet with him in his office where he told us the baby is measuring right on. He confirmed our EDD as Christmas Eve, said he was cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome, thanked us for helping his statistics :), gave us a few instructions and told us we would be "graduating" to our OB today. No more appts at the clinic. This caught me TOTALLY off guard. I definitely need to plan a visit in the next few weeks to see the girls that were off today and bring everyone a token of our appreciation.

Sean & I are both overjoyed, but I do have to say that neither one of had the big outpouring of emotion that I thought we would have. We were both very quiet during the u/s and during our meeting with Dr. P. We went out to lunch afterwards and we talked about how there is still a lot of unknown and leaving the security of the clinic has us feeling a little unsettled. They really cared for us and handled us with kid gloves and I just do not have that relationship with my OB. I know seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone and I am overwhelmed by all my emotions right now. We were both a little sad that Jack & Diane did not hang in there together and yet relieved that we will not face the risks of a multiple pregnancy at this point. As my mom said, we can always work up to that :)

So, without further ado, I present Baby Saucy or "Ralphie" if you prefer!

Now I need to start working on a new blog title!!!

'Twas the night before u/s...

2009-05-04T16:04:00.003-04:00

and Emily's anxiety level is sky high! I can't believe how volatile my emotional state is right now. One minute I am sitting here in my bella band, reading my pregnancy books, browsing baby sites feeling 100% like a normal, naive, confident pregnant woman. The next minute, I am freaking out, questioning my symptoms, thinking about the bleeding episode and doubting that we will hear good news tomorrow. This sucks!

I asked Amanda if she felt this way when she was pregnant and she said no. She just assumed everything was fine and going according to plan. She commented about how much she thinks infertility has stolen from me and how it doesn't end when you are finally pregnant and she is 100% right. I think I am pretty calm and "normal" about this pregnancy and then I get close to a blood draw or have some spotting or get ready for my u/s and I am a mess! This is not what normal women go through! In some ways, I guess women who suffer with IF just know too much. We have seen too much heartbreak to relax and go with the flow.

I said from day 1 that I was going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. I said I knew there were things that were out of my control and that I couldn't obsess over them. I am trying hard to keep my word and most of the time, I do a decent job of that, but there are moments...

In my gut, my instinct tells me everything will be just fine tomorrow, so where does this doubt come from? Why do I let it get to me? Do I have 7 more months of this to look forward to?

I did have a tinge of brown spotting last night for a few hours and that ramped the anxiety level way up again. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!

I broke down and bought a bella band this weekend, rather a belly sleeve from Motherhood, and I am in HEAVEN! The bloat has been unreal and even though I haven't gained any weight since transfer, my pants are all way too tight in the belly. I plan to order the "real thing" online this week. What a wonderful invention.

While we were in Motherhood, I decided to ask about a new bra. Some of you may remember that I broke my bra just before beta? Well, I am so glad I decided to ask the girl for some help. She measured me and I have already grown more than a cup size!!! I am usually a C cup and she measured me between a D & an E (their version of DD). I tried them both and the D fit perfectly, but she said there should be a little room to grow so I went with the E. Sean got a kick out of this :) Between the new bra and the bella band, I am so much more comfortable! Oh, and their bras are REALLY affordable which is a nice change of pace for me.

We had a great weekend. We went to 2 movies and lots of going out for dinner and relaxing. Sean cleaned the entire house while I was at work on Sunday. Yes, ladies, he even scrubbed the toilets and the showers! I am in heaven. Last night he got a refresher on how to do laundry because once I started spotting he wouldn't let me run downstairs. I am such a lucky girl!

Symptom Checker - all the same symptoms. The bloat is really, really bad right now!

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. If you have some good thoughts, good vibes and/or extra prayers to send our way, it would be much appreciated. I will update when I can...

P.S. - I voted "2" because Sean & I have each on separate occasions, years apart, by 2 different psychics, been told we would have twins...

6 weeks

2009-04-30T11:50:00.004-04:00

Once again, thank you so much for your responses. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice with me. I love how so many new people are coming out of lurker status to comment!

We have decided to wait until Tuesday for the u/s. It is more of a "trusting my gut" thing than anything else, but, the fact that if we didn't see a heartbeat, I would be stuck in limbo for an entire week helped me make a decision because I think that would be worse than waiting until Tuesday. I will be anxiously counting down the moments, but it will be here soon enough, I guess.

I have been taking it very easy since Monday, probably unnecessarily so, but I have not had anything pressing going on, so why not? My anxiety level is way down, but I am not quite back to the happy-go-lucky, little ray of sunshine that I was last week either. I will feel 100% better after the u/s.

I am done with PIO and back on Endometrin suppositories and really hoping that going back to supps doesn't stir up the bleeding. We had an insurance lapse while we were waiting for COBRA to kick in and Endometrin was CRAZY expensive and we already had PIO at home. 2ccs of PIO nightly is really tough on the muscles though and my nurse was anxious for me to get back to the supps ASAP. My butt and hips are sore and I suspect they will be for awhile. Sean is the master shot giver and they never hurt going in, but the effect is cumulative.

I am 6 weeks today and Baby Saucy is the size of a sweet pea and the nose, mouth & ears are taking shape. The little heart is beating, blood is pumping through the tiny body and the lungs and intestines are at the early stages of development. That is a quick development summary from a variety of sources including thebump, babycenter and my pregnancy books.

Symptom checker: The same as they have been for weeks now. I would say my dreams are getting more and more vivid and stranger and stranger. I am ready for a new symptom or two to pop up! I know, I know - be careful what you wish for!

Speaking of dreams, last night I had a vivid dream about my u/s and we saw 3 sac and 3 heartbeats - triplets! Now that would be CRAZY!!! Speaking of, you should swing over to Carrie's blog and read "Could you repeat that?" and wish her well!

Looks like we are going to have a busy movie weekend, busy movie May for that matter. So many good one coming out - Wol.verine, Ghosts of Girl.friends Past, Angels and De.mons, Sta.r Trek...! I can't wait - movie night with Sean is one of my favorite things!

Thank to everyone who has voted on my poll! Keep 'em coming!

Update & Thank You!

2009-04-28T12:31:00.002-04:00

Well, the bleeding subsided over the course of the evening and by time I went to bed there was only pink spotting when I wiped. I slept through the night and when I woke up, there was nothing in my liner and only a tinge of brown when I when to the bathroom & nothing since. I am still taking it very easy today and Sean is working from home so I can stay on the couch and not worry about taking care of Libby or getting up to get food and such. I am feeling better and more at ease.

Now, I have a dilemma. I called the RE this morning to update them and ask about an early u/s. The nurse spoke to Dr. P and he agreed to move it up to Friday - 6w1d - but warned me that I was on the cusp of being able to see a hb. The earliest they would typically do one is 6w2d. If I go ahead with it & they do not see a hb, they would make me wait another full WEEK before doing a repeat u/s. So, I can take a chance and do it Friday and possibly be even more of a wreck for a week, or I can wait until Tuesday for a definitive answer. I just don't know what to do. Sean really wants to wait it out until Tuesday because he is afraid 6w1d is too early. I would love to hear your feedback and experiences on doing an early u/s.

Finally, a heartfelt thank you to each & every one of you. Your stories, feedback & encouragement means the world to be. Yesterday was a dark and anxiety filled day, but your words were a bright spot. It really helped me keep perspective on the situation. So many of you have gone through the same thing and have had wonderful outcomes. Thank you!

Scared & anxious

2009-04-27T17:41:00.004-04:00

A few minutes after posting my last post, I was having some period like cramping - different than I have been having. A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom and immediately noticed some pink spotting in my panties. When I wiped there was bright red blood with tiny bits of clots. I immediately burst into tears and began rushing around calling my RE, Sean & my mom.

Dr. P called me right back and started off by asking how much blood and cramping. I told him everything and he said that I needed to go on strict bed rest & stay there until bleeding stops. He said to drinks lots of fluid and to call back if the bleeding increases to more than a period and/or if I am in extreme pain. He said it is normal - 2 out of 3 women have some bleeding in the 1st tri- and that it doesn't mean that I am at increased risk. He restated that my blood work looked great this morning & that I should try to calm down. I asked about coming in for an early u/s and he said unless there is a compelling reason, he really wants to avoid irritating the uterus right now, he also wants to avoid unnecessary anxiety.

If and when the bleeding subsides, I may push to move my u/s up to Friday for some peace of mind.

Sean came home right away and I have calmed down a bit. I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and there was no blood on the liner, but when I wiped there was still pink spotting. I would describe it as more than spotting, less than a period, kind of like the 1st day of AF before full flow.

I am a nervous wreck. All my hope and optimism went right out the window as soon as I saw red. I am trying to stay calm, I am trying to remember that this can be normal, but I am scared to death.

Please, oh please hang on little one. Please don't take this little miracle away from us...

Beta #3

2009-04-27T15:13:00.004-04:00

Beta #3 = 5006. It has been 1 week since #2. The nurse said it is looking good, P4 was "fine" and to schedule my 1st u/s anytime in the next 5-8 days.

I hate to admit it, but I was a little bummed by how much my doubling time has slowed down. I know it is completely normal and I still fall into the average range on betabase.info, but man 28.2 hours sounds so much better than 54.8! The average doubling time for this 5w4d is 50 hours, so I am damn close, but hey, I am a greedy IF bitch! ;)

My nurse transferred me to the front desk to schedule my u/s and, of course, day 5 falls on Saturday as does day 6 & the docs do not not do pregnancy u/s on the weekends. Ok, day 7 then, I'll take the 1st appt! Nope, sorry! You see, my RE will not be in the office on Monday and they apparently get a little snarky about your primary RE doing your 1st u/s, so I have to wait until Tuesday, May 5th! YIKES! How can I survive another 8 days without knowing what is going on in my uterus??? This is sheer torture!

Per reader request, I am adding a poll to the sidebar to get your input on how many I have cooking in there. If you care to know what betabase says, my betas are right smack dab in the middle of singleton levels, but within the average range for twins. My 28.2 hour doubling time was trending more towards twins, but now could fall into either category. According to babymed.com my levels trend high for a singleton. So there you have it - a bunch of meaningless info!

Symptom checker - 5w4d: boobs still sore & heavy, sense of smell still strong, still hungry, a little more tired than usual, still have an achy sensation in the uterus. My newest addition - applesauce is now officially disgusting to me and gum is pretty gross too. I wouldn't mind adding another symptom or 2 just for good measure :)

In other news, we had a pretty quiet weekend. Gorgeous weather here in the Mid Atlantic - almost too hot! Sean is a little freaked about Swine Flu and used this as a reason to update the emergency kit - complete with surgical masks. It figures that it takes me almost 5 years to get PG and it happens to be in the middle of a possible pandemic - oh joy! Sean watched the NFL draft for almost 2 straight days until I was on the verge of breaking the TV, thank goodness I spent time with friends on Saturday and missed the worst of it. I love me some football as much as the next girl, but I am so over the draft. We grilled out for the 1st time last night - a big juicy rib eye to share, grilled organic veggies and corn on the cob - it was HEAVEN!

Countdown to ultrasound - 8 days!

100th Post!

2009-04-22T14:07:00.004-04:00

Amazed. Joyful. Grateful. In awe. Happy. Smiling. Hopeful. Pregnant...

I have not felt this way in so very long. I cannot stop smiling, I cannot believe this is my life. There were days I thought this might never happen, that I might never feel such sheer joy ever again. I never want this feeling to end.

I know it is early, I know anything can still happen, but I am committed to enjoying each & every day of this pregnancy. There are things that are beyond my control, but I can't obsess over them. This is further than I have ever been before and for today, that is enough.

This is my 100th post & so much has happened in the last year and a half. There were some dark and bitter moments along the way & some glimmers of hope too.

It is amazing how much your life can change in just one week with just one phone call...

I can't even comprehend how much I already love this little baby growing inside of me. Can you believe that at just 4 weeks and 6 days, just 20 short little days of life, there is another heart beating inside of my own? It astounds me every time I think about it. I love that my baby's heart began beating today - the day of my 100th post - such a milestone on this long and painful journey.

When I began blogging I never imagined how much lay ahead of me - how many stories would move me to joyful tears or heartbreaking sobs, how many women would inspire me and root for me, how I would care so deeply for so many families I have never even met, how many friends I would make a long the way, or how much pain & heart break was would come with every failed cycle and mostly, I never could have imagined how much joy was awaiting me on this journey.

I am humbled by this miracle growing inside of me. I hope and pray everyday that this baby is a fighter, that he or she will grow big & strong, that my body gives this baby what it needs to thrive, that this will finally be our happy ending...

I feel like a new person & I like this woman very much!

4w4d - Beta #2

2009-04-20T15:33:00.005-04:00

First things first, my 2nd beta was this morning and my levels have really taken off. My beta was 56 on Thursday and since they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, we were expecting a # between the mid100's-mid200's today. I was shocked and elated when my nurse told me my beta was over 600!!!!!!! Woo-hoo! Looks like I'm baking one tough, strong cookie! My nurse said it was a "beautiful and impressive number!" Doubling time of 28.35 hours. My p4 is over 30 which is also quite a jump from Thursday.

Sean & I spent the weekend on Cloud 9. We went to Barn.es and Noble on Friday and I picked up What to Expect and Your Pregnancy Week by Week and perused some pregnancy magazines. Sean even peeped at a baby name book! It melted my heart. You should have seen how proud I was walking through the store with my VERY OWN pregnancy books! I signed up for Baby.center and spent the weekend soaking up pregnancy related info. On Sunday, we went to the mall and even allowed ourselves to walk around PBK. Sean was so cute. He fell in love with the Lullaby Rocker! He has been joking all weekend that he is going to be working an awful lot over the next 8 months to afford all the cute things we Ooohed and Ahhhed over.

He has also been spoiling me rotten. He cleaned the whole first floor, did all the yard work, cooked and ordered to me to the couch & wouldn't let me lift a finger whenever we were home. He is very overprotective right now and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!

My parents are giddy. My stepfather has nicknamed the baby Ralphie and every time I call he says,"Ralphie's Mommy is on the phone!" We crack up every time, but have to remind him that Ralph is not even on our top 10,000.

Despite having a wonderful weekend, I had some major anxiety going into this morning's blood work. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting on my liner last night and this morning when I wiped there was some brown tinged mucous on the t.p. Most of my symptoms have been very mild and even subsided a little since last week. It was kind of a stressful morning - we had a toilet overflow and traffic and weather were terrible so my anxiety was SKY HIGH by time I got to my clinic. My nurse reassured me that the spotting was normal and might even be in part from switching from Endometrin to PIO (the endometrin was uber expensive and I already have 2 vials of PIO, so we switched).

Needless to say, my anxiety quickly switched to elation when I heard about my beta number. What a roller coaster!

Symptom Checker: boobs are much less sore than they were, but I have had a shooting pain in my left one on and off. Last night, I had a sharp, shooting pain/cramp on the left side of my lower belly. I fell asleep on the couch around 9pm which is super early for me, so I guess I was pooped. I am very thirsty and am drinking lots and lots of water. I feel kinda yucky ever since I ate lunch today - sorta like I have a stomachache. Super sharp sense of smell continues - I feel like I smell people's perfume, breath, detergent, shampoo etc...

My clinic doesn't want to see me again until NEXT Monday for another beta and my u/s is in approximately 2 weeks, but it is not on the scheduled yet. I guess I just need to try to relax and enjoy the next week and try not to stress too much about what is going on in there.

Still in awe..still amazing...back on Cloud 9! The Year of Hope has been very good to us so far...

4 weeks & Tales from Beta Day!

2009-04-17T13:18:00.009-04:00

First, thank you all so much for your incredible words of support and congratulations! Sean & I were all teary eyed reading all the comments last night. You are the most amazing group of women I have ever had the pleasure to know. To hear that my story has given you hope is unbelievable to me! I know that feeling so well, I remember the stories that gave me hope and still give me hope each day.

Second, I can hardly even believe I am typing this, but I am 4 weeks pregnant and according to Babycenter, our little one is the size of a poppy seed. The baby (babies?) is also working on a primitive placenta & an amniotic sac. INCREDIBLE!!! My due date is Christmas Eve! Sean & I met at Christmas and were engaged at Christmas, so it is a very appropriate time for our miracle to arrive!

Third, I promised you all the beta day details, so here we go!

Sean & I woke up at 6:15 on Thursday, got ready and headed out for the clinic a little after 7am. I was still feeling calm and dare I say, perhaps even a little bit confident. My nurse was thrilled to hear that I had not tested and drew my blood a little after 8am. She instructed me to call between 1-2pm for results.

Sean & I made a plan: I was to drop him at the office, spend the morning with Amanda , pick up Sean up at the office around 12pm, grab lunch, drive home & call the clinic together after 1pm.

Great plan, right? Well, the universe had other plans...

I arrived at Amanda's after 9am and we had a yummy Pan.era breakfast and decided to head to Tar.get. We were chatting & getting ready to leave when my cell rang.

Me: (panicked) IT'S THE CLINIC!!!

Amanda: (excited) Are you going to answer it?

Me: (shrieking) NO!!!

Split second decision, answer the phone.

Me: (scared to death) Hello?

Nurse: Emily? You know how you said you weren't really feeling too much?

Me: (hesitantly) Yes...

Nurse: Well, you better get ready because you are going to be feeling a lot pretty soon. (long pause)

Me: (more shrieking, lots of disbelief) AM I PREGNANT?????

Nurse: YES!!! Congratulations.

Me & Amanda: Commence screaming and hysterics and of course, crying!

The nurse & I exchanged more details such as beta #, which I thought was 54, but learned today was 56, next beta which is Monday, lots more congratulations and disbelief.

Amanda was shooting photos the whole time and as soon as I hung up, we hugged and screamed and cried some more. I was stunned and completely caught off guard by the early phone call.

I decided to call my mom and more crying and hysterics ensued. She was OVER THE MOON to hear she was going to be a Grandmother.

I felt a little guilty that Sean hadn't been there for the big news, but immediately began formulating a new plan to surprise him.

I told Amanda I wanted to go to Tar.get for a bib or onesie and some balloons. She loved it! We rushed out the door and the plan was in action.

In the mean time, Sean calls my cell phone because he is trying to book a week at the beach for June and needs my input. I am dying inside, bursting to tell him, but I stay calm, cool and collected the whole time on the phone. The secret is safe!

Found this bib & onesie @ Tar.get, it says, "Daddy's Little Sunshine" and balloons at Par.ty City. I picked a congrats balloon and a Happy Bday balloon since transfer was on Sean's birthday and we had talked about how a BFP would be the greatest gift ever.

We arrived at the office pretty close to 12pm, so Sean wasn't entirely shocked to see me walk in the door. He was perplexed by Amanda and Nolan and of course, the gift bag and "Happy Birthday & Congratulations" balloons. He was like, "What's this?" I said, "Happy Birthday! Open it!"

He pulls out the onsie and bib and is extremely confused and asks, "What does this mean?"

I reply, "WE ARE PREGNANT!" He says with trepidation, "How do you know that?" I explain and he jumps up, hugs me so tight and gets very emotional. Much more excitement and congratulations ensued from all Sean's coworkers. It was an AMAZING moment. Amanda videotaped the entire thing and I am so thankful she was able to document it, especially since our families are long distance.

I thought that infertility and IVF had taken a lot of the surprise factor out of the BFP announcement, but was I ever wrong! Yesterday was one of the best and most emotional days of my life. It was very cool being surprised by the nurse and the icing on the cake to be able to surprise Sean like that. I have not stopped smiling.

We all left the office and began calling family as soon as we got into the car. Everyone was very excited and emotional. We felt like screaming it from the rooftops and between the phone, the blog and face.book, we pretty much have!

We had a celebratory lunch and then hit up Tar.get again for the all important DIGITAL!!! I promptly peed on it upon arriving home and "PREGNANT" popped up in less than 30 seconds. Another amazing moment!

We spent the rest of the afternoon in awe and total disbelief. I kept saying to Sean, "Can you even believe it???" and he would just shake his head. Every time I heard him tell someone he was going to be a Dad, I got teared up all over again.

Even though our families could not be there, I know they will love seeing Amanda's video. It was such a departure from the original plan, but it could not have worked out any better!

In retrospect, I think I knew I was pregnant. As beta got closer, I felt more calm and confident. I think I was just afraid to admit it to myself, although by that morning I told Sean I thought it was about an 80% chance of a BFP. Both my mom and Sean's mom said they had a good feeling and Christi said she knew when I started posting my symptom checker.

Speaking of, here is the latest installment!

Symptom checker: Getting very crampy! All day yesterday and today I am feeling cramps and pulling and activity. My boobs are HUGE and sore. They are also very, very veiny. Sean is in awe of the boobs and said that the boob fairy has paid me a visit :) I am also hungry every 2 hours or so. My sense of smell is heightened & am having very detailed, vivid dreams.

I am having my beta rechecked on Monday, u/s in aprox 2 weeks and I have my first ob appointment on May 15th , which continues the birthday theme - it's my stepdad's bday!

I can't tell you how excited we both are. I can't wait until Sean gets home so we can go to Barn.es & Nobl.e! I plan to enjoy every moment as it comes and not worry about all the things I cannot control. I hope and pray that our miracle is growing healthy, big & strong...

Thank you for reading, commenting and cheering me on! I cannot wait to share this phase of my journey!

8dp6dt - Beta Day

2009-04-16T14:43:00.002-04:00

PREGNANT

Joyfully, blissfully, happily, PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beta = 54!!

Over the moon. Story and details to come.

Thank you all for all the support and good vibes over the past few days.

It really is the best day ever...

7dp6dt - Calm Updated*

2009-04-15T15:06:00.004-04:00

Miraculously, the anxiety is gone & I feel calm going into beta tomorrow. I have felt this way all day today & hope it continues through the morning.

I was dangerously close to POAS last night, but alas, no sticks in the house and a certain package from a certain someone (you know who you are!) that is rumored to contain evil sticks did not arrive. The whole way home from work I'm thinking, "Ok, if the package is there, it is a sign from the universe to test. If not, I'm out of luck and I will wait until beta." Walked in, had to pee sooooo bad, had been holding it for hours and NO PACKAGE, NO STICKS, NO DICE! My fate was sealed, wait until beta.

Ever since, I have been calm, cool & collected.

Beta anytime between 7am-9am, going to Amanda's to occupy myself, results between 1-2pm...EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!

I feel good, I feel hopeful, I feel optimistic, & I am thinking positively. Everything went according to plan - good thaw, good growth, 2 blasts to transfer, one hatching on its own, good hormone levels, smooth transfer, nice lining, some possible symptoms/side effects, no breakdowns, no blood (which can be a good thing, but it terrifies me), no terrible sinking feeling...

Did I mention tomorrow is my doggy, Libby's, birthday? Transfer on Sean's birthday, results on Libby's birthday - works for me!

Please, oh please let tomorrow be the best day of our lives........

16 hours and counting!

*** the package has landed and it contains 2 HPTs from my angels Christi & Jill. One lucky mojo HPT from each of their BFP cycles. Sweetest gift ever, completely made my day and it totally making me rethink my plan ;)! I am off to work for several hours so that will give me some time to think...Thank you ladies!!!*****

6dp6dt - Anxiety

2009-04-14T12:00:00.004-04:00

No major freak out yet, but my anxiety level is definitely on the high end of the spectrum. I know that I could test and get a trustworthy result, but I don't think I am ready to know yet. I would want to use FMU & that window of opportunity has passed for today & tomorrow morning I have tutoring first thing in the am, so that it not at all ideal. So, that leaves Thursday which is Beta Day anyway... I am thinking I am just going to wait it out - change it up!

Two things have happened that have left me feeling a little doubtful. First, my boobs do not hurt AT ALL today. Now, I know I have said myself that there is no rhyme or reason to the soreness that results from the endometrin & that it varies day to day, hour to hour, but it is almost nonexistent right now. In my past 3 cycles, once my boobs stopped hurting, my period was only a day or two away. It was my sign that my IVF BFN was inevitable. In the past though, my wait until beta was closer to 3 weeks long and AF was already due/overdue, whereas right now she is still anywhere from 5-7 days away. But still, to me no sore boobs = no baby.

Second, I had a sex dream last night. It sounds silly, but in at least 2 of the 3 IVFs, I had a sex dream late in the 2ww and sure enough, my period was here within days.

Put these things together and I feel like they are harbingers of doom. I feel like the boobs settling down and the dreams are indicative of subtle shifts in my body's hormones as I near the end of the LP.

I am probably reading way too much into things, but this close to beta, the doubt and anxiety and emotional roller coaster are inevitable.

I wish I had a concrete symptom, but really is there such a thing?

The truth is, I feel remarkably the same as I did with my 3 failed IVFs - mostly normal with a few progesterone & estrogen based side effects thrown into the mix. I have heard women say they "just knew" something was different on their BFP cycle, or the symptoms were subtly different enough that they had a clue that this might be it. I can't say I feel that way. I am still hopeful, still optimistic, still positive, but I wish I knew for sure, or had a strong sense about it one way or another. I will say I was pretty sure IVF #3 did not work and I was right about that and I do not have that feeling either.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is maddening! Such a mind fuck! My wait is so short this time compared to my near 3 week HCG booster shot induced waits of the past, but I am realizing that regardless of how long or short your wait is, anxiety level is directly correlated to how close you are to beta. Man, am I close...

2 days until Beta!

Can I please be sedated now???

5dp6dt

2009-04-13T15:15:00.003-04:00

The weekend is over, the house guests are gone and my distractions have dried up. All in all, I am hanging in there. Feeling hopeful and positive. Not really obsessing too much. Not feeling the compulsive need to POAS and am leaning towards not doing it at all. No 2ww breakdowns - yet.

We had a really nice weekend with Sean's brother and family. We went out for crabs, went to a museum, out to one of our fave spots for Greek food, watched movies, laughed, talked family stuff, cooked & relaxed. Easter brunch at our house was lovely and it was a nice, relaxing day with family & friends. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter & holiday weekend.

This week is a regular week of tutoring for me & having a schedule & a routine is a good thing :)

Symptom checker: Yesterday I felt pretty normal all day long. Bad taste wasn't as noticeable. Boobs were a little sorer than normal and veiny at night. I had night sweats and woke up to pee twice. When I went back to bed after my 2nd potty trip, I had a very sharp and unusual pain on my left side.

Today: feeling lots of twinges & twangs in the uterus, especially on the left, but I can't say with certainty that it is any different than any other IVF cycle. Hungry! Boobs feel less sore today, but are large and I even broke my bra :) Popped the under wire right through! Tired, but we have been pretty busy since Friday. I have also been more than "regular" - I swear I'm like a puppy - feed me and 20 minutes later, potty break! TMI - sorry ;)

I feel like the signs from the universe continue smacking me in the face every time I turn around. The 10 yr old I tutor is reading a story about a mom having twins, the 17 year old just started the human reproduction unit - complete with pics of embryos, blasts, and fetuses- and the 13 year old just got the word "baby" for her 4th quarter project. The modern art museum went to had lots of fertility/mother related pieces. Realistically, I am probably just wayyyy more in tune to it than usual, but I like it all the same.

Overall, I feel hopeful and optimistic. I have managed to keep the doubt from creeping in too much. I am ready for it to be Thursday!

Hold on little ones...hold on.

3 days until Beta!!!

3dp6dt

2009-04-11T11:52:00.005-04:00

Sign from the universe: Alarm goes off at 6am for Sean's tee time and the very first notes of Jack & Dianne were playing. We giggled and listened & imagined the possibilities.

Symptom checker: All is quiet on the uterine front. CANNOT get rid of horrible taste in mouth - metallic & yucky! Boobs possibly slightly more heavy feeling today, but I find the Endometrin leaves them feeling a little different on a day to day basis.

Plan for the day: Visit a museum, prep some stuff for brunch, spend time with the fam, quietly obsess & wonder...

Countdown to Beta: 5 days!

2dp6dt

2009-04-10T13:22:00.004-04:00

Officially ended bed rest around dinner time last night. Decided to head to the grocery store with Sean after all. He is good, but not that good :) I would trust him with a basic list, but it was all my Easter brunch ingredients, so I thought I would spare us both the torture & just go with him. No worries, I didn't do any lifting and took it very slowly. It felt good to be up off the couch and getting the blood flowing and energy moving.

I worked for a few hours this morning & did a couple of last minute things around the house before company arrives. Sean's brother, his wife & our teenage nephew should be here within the hour. Looking forward to hanging out, eating good food, playing lots of board games and laughing! Going out for crabs tonight - YUM!

Symptom checker: still feeling some pulling on right hand side & some tiny twinges all around. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy last night. Had vivid and strange dreams. Bad taste in my mouth all morning, but that could be the steroids - they taste nasty & powdery - blech! Overall, I feel 100% normal and probably would never notice any of this except for the over analysis that is happening 24/7.

Relaxing for a bit before the weekend is in full swing! Happy Easter everyone ~ have a lovely weekend!

6 days until beta!

1dp6dt - Implantation Day?!?

2009-04-09T14:08:00.003-04:00

After consulting Dr. Google obsessively and talking with our embryologist during transfer, it appears that today is the big day for Jack & Diane/Ben & Jerry! Will they or won't they???

I am nervous and hopeful and feeling like it is all out of our control. All the humans have played their parts and now we need a little help from God, Fate, Destiny, Mother Nature...this is truly where medicine meets miracle, the joining of the hands of God & science.

I am following instructions and staying flat on the couch. Sean spoiled me and pampered me last night and I only got up to potty and head up to bed. He had to go back to work today, but he cooked me breakfast & lunch before he left. Cheesy eggs and toast for breakfast and Ring O'Noodle soup with egg & a pb&j sandwich on whole grain for lunch. He even laid out a cheese stick, yogurt and pineapple for snacks. He is the best! He should be home early tonight and I am contemplating joining him on a trip to the grocery store to do our Easter Brunch shopping. Playing that by ear though!

In the mean time, I have spent a lot of time online, watched trashy TV - 90210 baby! - a few episodes of a Baby Story, developed my Easter Menu, made a grocery list, and talked on the phone. On the horizon, meditate and a nap, maybe a movie...it's a good life!

Symptom checker: Nothing at all. Possible pulling on the right side, but I could be making that up:) Already been on the progesterone for a week, so pretty accustomed to those side effects, which are mild at this point.

Oh please, oh please let this be the day...

7 days until Beta!

FET Madness - Transfer Day!!!

2009-04-08T16:32:00.009-04:00

Transfer day is my favorite day of an entire cycle - I always feel so peaceful, content, hopeful and optimistic. I have my embies back home and that is the best feeling!

We called in this morning to discuss how many to transfer & the embryologist said there really wasn't much to decide on - we had 2 blasts and they recommended transferring both. Sounded good to us, but we are neurotic and had a billion more questions for her.

She explained that our mediocre blast from yesterday had actually expanded more and improved slightly though they were grading it a 4CC. You can read more about blast grading here, if you want to know more. 4 being pretty good, but the C's not so much. She said that they are changing so rapidly at this point that there could be improvement before transfer. They would be performing Assisted Hatching on this little guy to help him along.

The 2nd blast to transfer was a 6 BC - 6 being the best possible score. It was awarded this high score because it had already hatched on its own!!! Mommy & Daddy are so proud of you!

Another early blast had formed and they wanted to watch it for possible freeze, while the other early blast from yesterday had failed to progress.

We headed in with a full bladder for transfer at 11:30. Sean & I were feeling giddy with excitement that after 3 failed IVFs, we actually had some blasts to transfer. This is the furthest we have ever gotten and after a few anxious days, we are over the moon to have some blasts to put back!

Here's a couple pics of me before leaving for transfer today. The second one is me looking puffy and awful and downright giddy, but Sean says is cracks him up because it totally captures my joy over these little blasts. The first is of me and Libby, our first born, our best girl, the light of our lives...

They had more good news for us when we arrived, our little 4CC was changing and after using AH, they had improved their grade to a BC! While we are trying not to get too caught up in the grading system, we were still thrilled to see improvement. I have transferred perfect embryos before with no implantation and know of plenty of woman who have transferred ugly little ones and ended up pregnant with one, two or more. I am just beyond excited to have blasts - ugly, beautiful or anything in between!

Transfer was ultrasound guided and smooth as can be. Sean was able to come back with me and hold my hand the entire time, which was such a nice treat. Our clinic does not have private rooms for transfer, so if there is anyone is recovery from ER or also having ET, no husbands can come back for privacy reasons. We were late enough in the morning that it was pretty empty so we had the space all to ourselves.

Dr. P was thrilled that we had met our goal and grown 2 multi cells out to blast stage. He was optimistic and wished us well. The embryologist spent some more time talking with us and said they were really happy with the progression of the embryos and she put our odds of pregnancy around 40% or better. She said success rates for a regular FET with a multi celled embryo or thawed blast would be around 20%, so we effectively doubled our chances by getting the little ones to blast. She said it was as close to fresh cycle odds as we could get with the added benefit of FET being a much more natural state for the body to be in.

We got to see some pics of the blasts, though we did not ask to take them home. The clinic team has their own superstitions and they don't like to give pics to patients until a positive beta. In cycles 1 & 2, we bucked their system and took the pics, but this time, we are going with the flow and being superstitious right along with them :) We are nicknaming the blasts, but are torn between Jack & Diane and Ben & Jerry. Love them both. Thoughts?

I laid there for 30 minutes and was in agony by the end - I had to pee SO freaking bad it hurt. My blood work was in by time we left and my E2 was 249 and my P4 was 15.2. The nurse said those were perfect, though my P4 dropped off about 5 points since Weds, but if they are not worried, I am not worried. Anyone know what they like them to be at this stage of an FET?

I spent the ride home reclined in my seat and Sean has been pampering all day - he picked up white pizza and Greek salad for lunch which was yummy! He also bought me my favorite yogurt, fresh pineapple and bananas. I plan to stay flat on the couch all day today and probably tomorrow as well. The embryologist said my implantation window is 24-48 hours, so I should take it easy for the time being. We have a busy weekend ahead, so I plan to rest up while I can.

All in all, a very good day. Wishing my amazing husband, Sean, a very Happy Birthday today and hoping I can give him the greatest gift of all this year... I LOVE YOU!

Thank you ladies - your strength & support amazes me daily!

Beta in 8 days!

FET Madness - Day 20 - Still Growing

2009-04-07T12:11:00.003-04:00

Transfer was a no-go for today. When we called to check in the embryologist said she was "on the fence" and wanted another look at them. She called us back 45 minutes later and said we would wait until tomorrow to transfer.

We had 1 fully formed blast but she said the quality was "mediocre." We also have 2 early blasts that she said showed promise. The remaining 3 have shown some progress, but they are not expecting much.

She feels that by waiting until day 6, we will have the full picture and hopefully a better selection of the blasts and some good quality stand outs.

I asked if this was a bad thing and she said, "Not at all. Day 6 is a common transfer day for FETs. The embryos can be slow to wake up as a result of the trauma of freezing."

I asked if we run the risk of losing them in the next 24 hours and she promised me a blast to transfer tomorrow. That is totally out of her control, but I do trust her!

That was about the extent of things. I call tomorrow @ 10am to chat with Dr. P about how many to put in and transfer is scheduled for 11:30!

Sean is excited that he gets to celebrate his birthday by bringing "home" the embies and having a stay at home day :)

I managed to score a haircut and pedi for today - treating myself to some spoiling! We have family coming in for Easter so I have some loose ends to tie up anyway. Looks to be a busy day after all! Thanks for all the support and good vibes!

Grow little ones, grow!

FET Madness - Day 19 - Growth Report

2009-04-06T16:23:00.003-04:00

Today's call from the embryologist revealed that 2 of our embies are compacting and on their way to *hopefully* becoming blasts. One more is growing sloooooowly and the remaining 3 have yet to progress.

I remain hopeful for our 2 little strong ones to keep on doing their thing and grow big & strong.

I am a little sad for the ones that are left behind, but I fully expected there to be a drop off today.

The embryologist wants one more peek at them before deciding if tomorrow is the big day, so we call in the morning for the final decision. I am really hoping tomorrow is the day.

I would be lying if I said the nerves weren't kicking in a little bit. Going into the FET, I knew our goal was to have 2 of the 6 get to blast and while we seem to be on track for that, anything can still happen. 2 is such a small number in the grand scheme of things and a lot can happen to those little embies in the next 15 hours....Wishing, hoping and praying that those are our miracles in a petri dish!

We spent all of Sunday doing major spring cleaning and it felt so good to scrub, organize, air out and get rid of some clutter. We filed lots of paper work as well and I really felt like we got rid of some N.U.T.S - nagging unfinished tasks that were causing us STRESS! I told Sean over dinner that the cleaning was therapeutic for me. I felt like we were clearing out all the old energy and opening ourselves up to new, positive energy. Opening up channels for the Chi to flow - our hearts, minds, home and body are all open to accepting these embryos and the new life they bring.

We went out for chinese food and our fortune cookies both had the same message:
"All your hard work will soon pay off."

At the beginning of this FET, we went to P.F. Cha.ngs for lunch & my fortune read:
"Bide your time, for success is near."

Hoping, hoping, hoping!

FET Madness - Day 18 - Thaw Day

2009-04-05T21:37:00.004-04:00

This morning I had to go feed the vampires to have my P4 checked. While we were there I asked if our embryologist was available to talk to us about the thaw. She came right out & said she had good news to report - all 6 frosties survived the thaw! Sean cracked a joke and said, "Yeah, we're from Buffalo. They like the cold." :)

She went on to explain that their definition of a successful thaw is if 50% of the embryo's original cell mass survives. All 6 passed with flying colors! Some maintained 100% of their cells and most lost just one cell. I don't have the specs in front of me, but we have 6 embies ranging from 5 cells - 10 cells. They do not grade them at this early stage, but they were all good quality going into the freezer. We get our next report @ 11am tomorrow! That report will dictate whether we go for transfer on Tues or Weds. We are getting excited!

I am feeling pretty good, but a few side effects are creeping up on me. The bloat has set in & I have been having a touch of insomnia from the prednisone. I started the doxy antiobiotic this morning and had a bit of heart burn from that. Of course, I am a goopy mess from the Endometrin. JOY! Ah well, I will take this any day over the stress and crummy side effects of a fresh cycle.

I do not think I am going to make my weight loss goal of 20lbs before transfer and I have made peace with that. I am still holding on @ 16lbs lost and I feel good about it. I kinda hit a plateau the last 3 weeks and the meds are not making it easy this time - I think it is the addition of the steroids.

In other related news, we had an interesting weekend. A good friend of mine (I wrote about her pg announcement here) had her baby on Friday afternoon and we decided to be brave and head to the hospital to visit with the new family on Saturday. I knew I was in the right mindset to do it and I really wanted to be there. I wasn't sure how I might be feeling about going during the 2ww hell or god-forbid after a negative beta, so I figured a visit now when I am feeling happy & hopeful was a good thing. I am glad we went. The baby is beautiful and I am so happy for E & S. It felt good to snuggle a newborn for a little bit and let myself pretend this might be us in 9 months or so...

The night the baby was born, I received a special message from Jeanine, an acquaintance E & I both have in common. We both taught her boys in elementary school and have stayed in touch over the years via fac.ebook. Jeanine struggled with multiple miscarriages almost 20 years ago and now has a beautiful family and is one of the kindest women I know. She took a moment out of her day to send me this message:

Hi!! Thinking about you tonight--I know when we were having trouble holding onto pregnancies, it was always hard when our friends had babies--even though we were so happy for them it made us yearn for a baby that much more! I know it won't be long until we are sending well wishes your way! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and can't wait to celebrate your little miracle!! Keep good thoughts!!!

It was one of the sweetest and most touching things anyone outside of my immediate circle has ever said to me. I was bawling when I read it. It was so amazing to know someone was thinking of me and my struggle at a time when we were all celebrating E & S and their new baby. I was over the moon for E & S, but it was bittersweet too, which I know I don't have to explain to anyone reading. I feel blessed to have such a wide network of love and support. Jeanine sent me another touching message today to say how excited she was to hear about the thaw. She just totally gets it, she has never forgotten pain and loss even though it was more than 20 years ago. She touched my heart this weekend.

Lots more to say, but I am pooped! I will save it for tomorrow's frostie update.

Thinking of my little embies tonight and hoping they are warm and toasty and growing so big & strong. Can't wait to bring them home...

FET Madness - Day 14: Ultrasound Day!

2009-04-01T19:34:00.003-04:00

Today was "do or die" for my uterine lining. I was a little worried that the universe might throw a little April Fool's Day shenanigan my way just to spite recent hopeful mood. Alas, karma (and Estrace) have been good to me and my lining was a 10 today, a "perfect 10" in the words of Dr. P. and blood work confirmed that I have not ovulated (for once this is a desired outcome). My prolactin is also back into the normal range after being off meds for awhile - yay! All is well and we are ready to get this show on the road!

Tomorrow: begin Endometrin suppositories and Prednisone.

Sunday: Thaw Day!! Blood work to check P4 levels.

Monday: Embie report - our goal: grow those little guys to blast

Tuesday/Wednesday: Stand by for transfer!

Beta: April 16th - it seems so close!!!

I love that my transfer will be on either Tuesday or Weds, both are good days in my world. Tuesday is the birthday of a dear woman, Carol, who was like another 'mom' to me growing up. She passed away in 1992, but I celebrate her birthday every year. Sometimes Sean even brings me yellow tulips (her favorite) to remember her. Wednesday is Sean's birthday and special to me for obvious reasons. I am always looking for signs and symbols and these dates are good stuff in my book!

Still feeling hopeful, happy and in a good, positive state of mind. I very well know that this might not work either, but that's ok. I need to take that option off the table right now and just focus on the good stuff.

The Year of Hope? Yeah, I'm feeling it...

FET Madness - Day 12

2009-03-30T15:55:00.004-04:00

Nothing really new to report in FET-ville. On Saturday, I ramped up the Estrace to 3x per day & will stay at this dosage until my u/s on Wednesday morning. Feeling pretty normal, the night sweats have been rare and the Estrace has not zapped my se.x drive like it did during the mock. Ah, well the Endometrium suppositories will surely take care of that!

We ended up heading to Buffalo this past weekend to spend some time with the family before Donna's surgery. It was nice to see everyone and catch up. It was a lot of driving and a lot of visiting in 48 hours & I am pooped! I was so ready to head home yesterday. Sean said he was sick of talking and I agreed, but we still managed to find plenty to chat about on the 7 hour drive home.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers about my sister-in-law's surgery. Keep 'em coming! Her surgery tomorrow is early in the afternoon and will last a few hours. Our prayer right now is that they do not need to take out the entire colon and that the mass is benign. Even if those things are true, it is still a difficult surgery and she faces a lengthy recovery.

As for me, I am still full of hope. Probably more so than at any other time since our first IVF. I have been blessed by many wonderful friendships on this journey and two of those women were my angels this cycle. Jill & Christi both sent me meds for my FET. Seeing has how they are both happy & healthy pregnant women (Christi - expecting a girl in July!!! Jill - expecting twin boys shortly thereafter!!!), I am hoping some of their pregnancy mojo rubs off on me! Thank you ladies, your friendships mean the world to me and the meds were a generous gift! I hope to pay it forward someday (SOON)!

Hoping for a great lining check on Wednesday and looking forward to transfer (hopefully) at the end of the week/early next week. I am a little nervous about the thaw - how many will make it? Will the survivors thrive? Will we get any to our goal of blasts? Will they make it to transfer? How many? Trying to not focus too much on those things right now and just take it one day at a time.

Feel free to share your FET stories when you comment & please stop by Sprogblogger's blog and wish her a giant congratulations - a SURPRISE BFP while waiting for her FET! She is now the stuff of Internet legends - mosey on over and read her amazing story!! I do hope she bought a lottery ticket...

FET Madness Day 5

2009-03-23T11:50:00.004-04:00

Nothing too crazy going on. 4 doses of Estrace down and I was not having any side effects until last night when I woke up soaked to the bone. Ahhh...night sweats. Lovely.

We had a delightful weekend - fun, friends, food and relaxing. I maxed out on caffeine, spl.enda, red wine, sodium and nitrates. I probably gained 5lbs! I am back on the straight and narrow and off all the bad stuff - I am 5 days pregnant after all and wouldn't want to harm the frosties! Still my goal to be down 20lbs before transfer, so I've got some work to do.

The kids I tutor for are done with Spring Break, so it is back to regularly scheduled programming for me. I was really loving being home in the evenings with Sean - it is such a foreign concept to us. He has always worked super long days and would rarely get home before 9:30 and I usually tutor until around 9 myself. With spring break and Sean's new work schedule, we were beside ourselves! Oh well, only 3 more months of school and then on to summer schedule tutoring.

We are likely heading to Buffalo this weekend. Sean's oldest sister is having half of her colon removed on the 31st and the whole family is pretty stressed and nervous. We would like to spend some quality time with everyone before the surgery. We are praying for a good outcome and a speedy recovery for her!

Trying to focus on all positive things right now! I am so happy Spring is here and am anxiously awaiting warmer weather, flip flops and capris! The next month should fly by - we have a lot going on - Buffalo, transfer, family visiting for Easter, hopefully a BFP... (a girl can dream, can't she?)

Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

The Luck O' The Irish

2009-03-20T16:21:00.004-04:00

What a week! I am still in awe over how everything came together. Join me for a recap?

Monday night Sean & I decided that if that tax return did not arrive before full flow, we were going to wait until next month. I felt mostly at peace with that decision, but I think we were both holding out hope that the tax return would surprise us.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, a high holy day in our household, and I called my in-laws to wish them well and double check my corned beef & cabbage and champ recipes. Rita was asking me if we had started our FET yet & I explained the whole situation. She then floored me by offering to lend us the money! She said we had waited long enough and that she knew we were sick & tired of the entire process and said that she would love to help us. I graciously thanked her and said I would discuss it with Sean. He was shocked. With 5 kids and 11 grandchildren, Sean's parents have kind of made it their rule not to lend money or be overly generous as it is hard to do for one and not do for all and they just aren't in a position to "do for all." They are amazing, kind, caring people and they would do anything for any of us, they just aren't financially secure enough to subsidize all of us, not should they. Needless to say, you could have knocked us over with a feather.

After discussing it, Sean decided he would like to take his parents up on their offer, but we weren't sure if they knew how much we needed or if they could cover it. Sean called them on Wednesday morning and they were indeed shocked by the amount and said they couldn't swing the whole thing, but would give us what they could. We graciously thanked them, but said we would just proceed with the original plan to wait it out. Again, we were disappointed, but not devastated and still holding out for the tax return. Full flow had held off too, so maybe it would all work out.

Sean's Dad called him back a few hours later to tell him that after checking into things, he found a CD that they had squirreled away some money into awhile go. Amazingly, the CD was going to be expiring in just 2 days, March 20, 2009, and he had to make a decision about what to do with it by the end of the week. It just happened to be EXACTLY the amount we needed and they wanted to extend their offer once again! We were excited, but we knew it could take a few days to transfer funds, we didn't know how much longer full flow would hold out and we had no idea if our clinic would allow us a few days of leeway.

I called my nurse ASAP and explained and she said that she was fine with us starting Estrace and paying later, but ultimately, the billing office had the final say. The billing office and I played phone tag all day Weds and we never caught up. I remained cautiously optimistic. Miraculously, no full flow yet!

First thing yesterday, I spoke to the billing office and explained everything to them and they agreed to let me begin my Estrace on CD 1 and pay them when ever my in laws were able to access the funds. They said they were really rooting for us and really wanted to extend the favor and were happy to do it. I was over the moon! She transferred me back to the nurse, I received all my instructions and she reminded me to call back with full flow to make it official.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, full flow had arrived! I called the nurse back and she had me come right in for blood work to recheck my prolactin and pick up me FET calendar. None of us could believe how well everything was working out!

So, it's official - FET #1 is under way! I started Estrace last night, my lining check is scheduled for April 1st and the clinic told me to keep the first week of April clear for transfer. I can't believe it all worked out!

Turns out my in-laws were given cash so Sean was able to pay the clinic in full today. I was nearly in tears when I called my mother-in-law to thank her for the 100th time. She is so happy and proud to have done it. Turns out, she was saving it to give to the funeral home to prepay on her funeral! She said this is a much nicer way to use the money and hopes it turns out to bring life instead of pay for death. We will pay them back ASAP, so she will have her funeral money after all, but she said she'd rather spend it on the baby :)

I find myself so damn full of hope again. What the hell happened to me? I think watching this cycle fall into place the way it did, got me all emotional and thinking about how this could be "meant to be" this time. I know, I know, I am getting wayyyyyyy ahead of myself here!

Speaking of way ahead of myself, I was early for our movie date last night, so I was browsing the pregnancy/infant aisle of the book store. I even sneaked a peek at a baby name book. I even announced to Sean that I was officially "one day pregnant". I am OUT OF CONTROL, but it is so fun and liberating and it feels so damn good to hope...

2 days pregnant and counting!

Luck Be a Lady

2009-03-19T17:00:00.005-04:00

I have AMAZING news! Everything worked out, today is CD 1 and I start Estrace tonight! I am on a caffeine binge today :) It is a longish and complicated story and since I have date night with my loving husband tonight, I will save the details for tomorrow, but, let's just say the Luck O' the Irish has been with us all week! Off to a free screening of Kno.wing. What's better than free? Oh, I dunno maybe getting a BFP?!?! Here we go again...

The Year of Hope is alive & well in my house tonight!

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2009-03-16T14:59:00.007-04:00

I am supposed to start FET #1 on CD1. The good news? I am spotting and full flow is close. The very bad news? Our tax return has not arrived yet. The problem? We planned on using our return to pay the balance due on our FET & clinic won't let me start Estrace until I am paid in full. Things are tight right now with Sean just starting a new job and the return is the only way we can swing this cycle for time being.

I am trying to hold out hope that the $ will arrive before full flow, but it is not looking good. The state tax website is not showing us in the system yet and says that the average wait time is 4 weeks and we are only two and half weeks in. I am very disappointed.

I am torn between borrowing the money from my mom or just sucking it up and waiting for my April cycle. Waiting another 4 weeks is not the end of the world, but I already lost a month in December when I messed up my BCP, got AF early and could not start mock cycle because I was out of town and it was Christmas Eve. My mom would lend us the money, but she already made some horribly cliche comment about how maybe it was meant to be this way and maybe I should take it as an additional opportunity to continue losing weight. I know she didn't mean to sound insensitive and that she was kind of only echoing what I have been saying about my own weight loss, but jeezey peezy! I am down 16.2lbs and was hoping to be down 20 before transfer and I still think that is possible even if I do begin my FET this week. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

If we decide to wait, I think we all know how this will go down - $ will arrive 2 days after full flow and then some crazy cash emergency will arise and I will have to use the FET $ for that instead and I will be stuck in waiting-to-cycle-hell! Ugh!

Possibly the ugliest part of it all is that I have had the worst PMS ever. I seriously felt like I was on PIO - sore boobs, super bloated, tired, cravings, the whole nine yards. I am sure you can deduce all the crazy things that have been running through my mind. I know it is the Year of Hope and all, but I was off the deep end; I was teetering on the edge of the Year of Delusions!

For now, I wait & hope that full flow stays at bay and Uncle Sam comes through with a last minute Hail Mary...

The Baby Shower

2009-03-10T18:36:00.006-04:00

Saturday was my good friend's baby shower. I chose to go because I wanted to be there to celebrate with a dear friend and her family. I knew it would be tough, but I tried to steel myself before arriving. I decided to carpool with another friend for a little moral support of my own.

In some ways it was harder than I thought it would be, but it wasn't tough in the ways I expected. I thought the cutesy baby games, the gushing over tiny pink outfits and the incessant newborn chatter would leave me gritting my teeth and fighting back tears. I was wrong, it was the small quiet moments that had me fighting tears and needing to step outside to get myself together.

The first moment was when my friend and her hubby arrived. You would think the sight of her big, beautiful belly would have gotten me; but no, it was the way her husband beamed with adoration when he looked at her, the way his hand lingered on her belly when he hugged her goodbye. It was the way they looked so full of joy, so full of life and expectation. My breath caught in my throat when I realized that might never be us. Sean & I may never have the opportunity to walk into our shower surrounded by the love and generosity of family and friends - smiling, happy, joyful. He may never see me pregnant, swollen, glowing, brimming with life. His hand may never rest on my belly feeling our baby kick and move within. My heart broke a little more imagining how empty our lives would always feel.

More sadness came when I saw how proud her mom was to be a first time grandmother. She made them 3 handmade beautiful quilts - one for home and one for each gramma's house. She was beaming and so very excited about all the memories to be made with her grandchildren. I am an only child, my mom wants to be a gramma almost as much as I want to be a mommy. I want her to revel in the joy of being the expectant grandmother at her daughter's shower. I want her to pamper and protect me when I am 8 months pregnant. I want to share that bond with her and yet I need to come to terms with what might never be...

There used to be a time when I went to baby showers and could easily imagine what mine would be like, what it would be like to be pregnant, decorate a nursery, ooooh and ahhh over tiny little outfits and for the first time, it all seemed so foreign to me. Just more what ifs...

Despite my sadness and wallowing in my own self pity, I managed to make it through and even marginally enjoy myself. I am truly happy for my friend and am glad that I was able to celebrate this milestone with her.

The highlight? My gift was a hit! I managed to avoid Ba.bies R U.S by having Amanda make custom artwork to match the baby's nursery. I think she did an amazing job and the artwork was the talk of the shower. Click here to see more of her work, and in her words, "If you can dream it, I can glue it!"

I'd like to thank the academy...

2009-03-06T13:20:00.007-05:00

I have recently been tagged by a few of my wonderful readers for two awards/memes. Thank you ladies so much for thinking of me and especially for reading, commenting and supporting me on my blogging/IVF journey.

The first award is the Honest Scrap Award.

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I would like to nominate the following ladies for this award:

1. Lisa @ Helping Make Sense

2. Just Me @ You Call Me a Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing

3. Sarah @ Bulge to Bump

4. Michelle @ In Pursuit of Parenthood

5. Susan @ Sprogblogger

6. Jill @ Desperately Seeking Spawn

7. Christi @ Our Journey

10 honest things about me:

1. I still have my baby blanket and sleep with it every night.

2. I love houses & sometimes wish I had been a real estate agent just so I could be in different houses all the time.

3. I love going to the movies and would go every weekend if I could.

4. I have to see all my options before making a decision - ex. I found the wedding invites I loved in the first book, but I still needed to look @ every book in the stationary store before I could make it official.

5. I love buying cards for people and put a lot of time & thought into it. It bugs me when others do not.

6. I can come off as a "know-it-all" & I dislike that about myself.

7. I am "old" for my age & always have been.

8. I want to be an ultra.sound technician when I "grow up" & I would love to work for an REs office.

9. I don't know it adoption is for me, but I don't know if child free living is either.

10. Pretty much addicted to faceb.ook, Ameri.can Idol, The Bach.elor, Twilig.ht, blogging, So You Th.ink You Can Da.nce, Brother's & Sis.ters, Grey's Ana.tomy & Guit.ar Hero!

The Sisterhood Award

I have been nominated for this award by Sprogblogger & Chhandita. Thank you ladies!

Here are the rules -put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I would like to nominate all of my readers for this award. This really is a sisterhood and your strength and support get me through my darkest days. Thank you!

2009: The Year of Change?!?!

2009-02-27T21:10:00.010-05:00

You know that saying, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" ?Yeah, well that might be the best way to sum up the past week.

Just when I thought 2009 was going to be a boring year, we have a big shake up in our household. This past week has brought about some major changes and it has taken us a little by surprise. My last post about moving back to Buffalo? Well, it may not be happening any time soon, but that's okay.

First, let me start with the beginning of the week. As I think I have mentioned, we have been in the market for a new car for almost a month now. We were thinking used SUV. We looked and looked and looked and were having a really tough time. We are super picky and type-A about things & that is a really annoying way to be when you are making large purchases. We weren't even considering new SUVs because this purchase was all about getting into a larger vehicle at a great price. Well, thanks to the craptastic economy and the stimulus bill, there are some great deals out there on new cars & our amazing salesman was able to get us into a NEW SUV for right around what we were going to spend on a used one. We were pleasantly surprised and after 4 weeks & many bad experiences, we drove off the lot in a brand spankin' new Fo.rd Esc.ape Limited! It is a little smaller of a truck than we were looking at originally, but the gas mileage is unreal - 28 miles to the gallon- & that was super appealing. It also had many of the features we were hoping for. At the end of the day, it is more than large enough for the 2 of us and the 4 wheel drive will come in very handy when driving up to Buffalo. Realistically, we could even get away with 2 little ones and have enough space. So, that was the beginning of our good news for the week.

In my last post about moving back to Buffalo, I alluded to the fact that things haven't always been perfect at Sean's company, but they have always been flexible about us moving back to Buffalo and they were open to taking Sean back after he left to open his own business - you take the good with the bad I guess. Recently though, despite the refi boom, things have been slooooooowwww & no sign of improvement on the horizon - so more bad than good. Sean is always networking & keeping his feelers out there and late last week an old friend spoke to him about an opportunity at a local brokerage. Sean called and an interview was arranged. We discussed it & decided Sean would at least go on the interview - nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? He had an interview on Wednesday & he felt that it went very well.

On Thursday afternoon, they called and made him a formal offer! We had already decided if they made an offer, we would accept. So, it's official! He resigned today and says he feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. He starts on Tuesday. We are VERY excited about this opportunity and are looking at it as a total new beginning.

Some of the highlights - the hours are much more appealing than his current job - 10-7pm daily instead of 9-9, no weekends, no pressure. The benefits are great (not sure about IF coverage yet, but I won't hold my breath), Sean knows a lot of people on the sales floor, & the compensation plan is very appealing.

Sean spoke to the management team about the possibility of moving back to Buffalo at some point and they are open to it. No promises, but there may be an option to work from home or open a small branch of the company. We decided it was not a deal breaker for us, if it works out - great. If not, that is okay too. Perhaps this will be a bridge to something else, perhaps we will extend our time frame a little bit. Right now, we are just going with the flow. This was not part of the plan, but we always try to be open to change. Though it is an overused cliche, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

We feel like the tide has turned for us a bit. We have had quite the stretch of bad news of the past 18 months - Sean's shoulder surgery, the car accident, the business not working out, 3 failed IVFs, Sean's dad's cancer, my Dad losing his job & not being able to find work, the economy etc... We have learned a lot, but I am so over all of it! We feel way over due for some positive news. I truly feel like there has been a shift in the cosmos. Perfect time to get our FET under way!

You may remember that my mantra for 2009 is "The Year of Hope" & I went into it with no expectations. Well, so far 2009 has been full of surprises and full of hope too. Looking forward to what else is in store...

Shufflin' off to...

2009-02-18T16:04:00.007-05:00

BUFFALO!

I have been leading you on for weeks about a big life change, but I haven't been quite ready to put it out there. I think my title kind of gives it away, but first, a little background...

Sean & I were both born & raised in Buffalo, NY and our entire family is up there. I came to MD in 1997 for college and we stayed. In 2003, we decided we would like to move back to Buffalo. We were getting married in August of 2004 and hoped to move by then. Sean's CEO agreed and the plan was for Sean to telecommute and eventually open his own branch of the company in the area. We decided to build our dream home 3 miles from my parents. We absolutely loved being back and could not have been happier - God, I loved that house. We had been in our home for just 6 months, when Sean was offered a promotion that was just too good to pass over. We put the house on the market & packed up and moved back to Maryland. The promotion wasn't what it was supposed to be and Sean was really unhappy and frustrated for awhile. He even left the company for a little while to pursue opening his own business. Ultimately, the current economy dictated that it just was not a good time for risky ventures and Sean returned to his old company in a new capacity. While he has been happier, we have never been able to shake the feeling that we should be back in Buffalo.

With all that said, we have decided that the time has come to leave Maryland and move home once more. We no longer own a home here and in some ways it is the perfect time to do it. Although taxes are high in NY, cost of living is much lower than it is here in MD. Housing is so much more affordable and being close to family is priceless. Sean's Dad's cancer diagnosis this summer really got the wheels turning for both of us. We know that when we have children, we want them to grow up close to their grandparents & extended family. We have a HUGE family waiting for us and we feel like we miss out on so much. Although we try to get home as often as possible, it is still not the same & travelling over the holidays is stressful!

We are not moving any time soon. In fact, it is more of a 1-2 year plan. We have decided on a price range for a home and are saving aggressively for a down payment. We are also putting extra money away in the event that this FET is a bust and we need to do IVF #4. We have really buckled down and are cutting back where ever and when ever we can.

Sean has communicated to his CEO that moving back to Buffalo is the plan and he is 100% supportive of that and even commented that it was a mistake for him to have ever asked us to give it up in the first place. Sean will remain with the company and work from home. I have not told the family that I tutor for yet, because it may be a non-issue. Robert graduates from high school next June and Michaella will be in 10th grade and has never needed the level of support that Robert has. Although I love my job and the kids are like family to me, it is not a reason to stay here. In this age of technology, there is nothing to say that I could not work with Michaella via chat if I had to; I certainly know the curriculum well by this point. I think the family will be supportive.

We have not told our families yet and probably won't for a little while. We would like to be able to tell them in person and also have a clearer time line in place. We still need to figure out which towns and neighborhoods are most appealing to us. Our families have been through so much with us, we want to tell them in person and be able to have concrete details to share.

So, that my friends, is my big news! It is a little scary to being doing this all over again, but I know in my heart it is the right thing for us and our families. I am glad it is not happening immediately though. I want the time to save and plan and figure things out. It will be here soon enough! Thank you for all your support and positive thoughts over the past few weeks! As always, it means a great deal to me!

In IF news, my endo biopsy results are in and they are normal! Pretty much what I expected, although it is always nice to have answers. Now we are back at square one. They did recheck my prolactin and now it is a little low -only 2- it should be over 3. It went from too high to too low. Dr. P had me stop the meds and will recheck it in 3 weeks. I hate taking meds that I don't have too, so that is fine with me. Today is cycle day 1, but we decided not to do my FET. I am going to take this month off, keeping losing weight and give my body a break from the meds. I should start my FET right around St. Patrick's Day - may the luck o' the Irish be with us!

Endo Biopsy

2009-02-13T14:32:00.006-05:00

I am approaching the end of my mock cycle and today was my endometrial biopsy. Believe me, I read some HORROR stories and was a little nervous going in this morning. Although my RE offered my an Rx for pain pills, I did not take him up on it. Pain meds make me really sick, so my thinking was that a few seconds of pain might be preferable to hours of nausea. I opted to take Ad.vil instead. I took 1000mg an hour before my appt and I made sure to get a good breakfast of protein and whole grains to keep my blood sugar steady.

Sean came with me and was able to hold my hand which was really comforting. The whole thing went very quickly and was really a piece of cake. I asked Dr. P to talk me through each step and he did. First, the speculum, then cleaning with a giant q-tip and beta.dine. Next, he inserted the catheter which was a little more crampy than a typical IVF transfer or Saline-Sono, but not terrible at all. He had me press down on my tummy, breathe deeply and then the biopsy began - it took just 15 seconds! I had some mild cramping and that was it! He said I did very well and we were "lucky" - whatever that means. It wasn't even as crampy as my HSG. I have had a little bit of spotting, but I feel 100% normal. I am so glad I did not take any pain meds. I know everyone is different, but I wanted to add my positive experience after reading so many bad ones. GL to anyone who has one coming up!

In other news, we were shocked to wake up and hear about the crash of Flight 3047 in Buffalo, NY. Buffalo is such a small town and a tight knit community, I know this must be very difficult for everyone. The victims and their families are in our thoughts and prayers.

Some good news - I lost another 3.5 lbs for a total of 14.8 AND I was able to wear a pair of jeans yesterday that haven't fit me in almost 2 years. Doing a happy dance!

I am looking forward to the weekend, especially dinner at R.uth's Chris tomorrow evening. It is "our place" and we have "our waiter" who knows us well and takes care of all our preferences. He was even able to get us a table when they were booked solid. Scott is the man!

I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day and a wonderful weekend. I hope everyone has some time to reconnect and recharge this weekend - don't forget the romance :)

Oh, no more meds for me after Sunday night! Woo!

Just Dance

2009-02-10T11:18:00.003-05:00

Lately I have had the urge to get silly drunk and in the words of Meredith and Christina on Grey's, "dance it out." I figured the odds of this happening any time in the next decade were slim and none. Silly drunk was doable, but dancing it out was highly unlikely as I no longer do girl's nights on the town and Sean is not, never has been into dancing. I often tell him we got together under false pretenses - we danced the night away in a club the very first night we were together but since then, not so much.

Late last week Sean proposed that we head to Atlantic City Saturday night. I hemmed and hawed and didn't really feel like it. Shouldn't spend the money, need to go car shopping, find someone to dog sit Libby etc... Sean persisted and even called the hotel to see if he could get us comped. He succeeded in scoring a room and dinner for Saturday night and I had little room to resist. My Aunt & Uncle agreed to take Libby and off we went!

The room was just ok - not bad for free. Dinner was amazing - on my list of top 5 meals of all time. It was the perfect steakhouse dinner - soup, salad, bread, Cowboy Ribeye perfectly seasoned -cooked medium, baked sweet potatoes, steakhouse fries, very dirty martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives and a delicious glass of Cabernet. Great ambiance, fantastic service, good conversation - the perfect meal. Very romantic.

After dinner we played a little and I won a little bit. Sean was not really feeling the blackjack mojo so we decided to take a gambling break and go listen to the band in the lounge. They were a fun cover band - perfect for a wedding or a casino lounge. Up until this point, this was a very typical evening on the town for us - great meal, a little romance, a little gambling, call it a night...

Instead of following our usual script, one cocktail turned into another and then another. The band played their final set and then a DJ took the stage. Then, the most miraculous thing happened - we danced and danced and danced all night! I got my wish - silly drunk and I danced it out with my husband, which is the greatest part of the whole story, in my opinion! Who are you and what have you done with my real husband??? I never mentioned to him that I was feeling the urge to cut loose, but some how he knew... he always does.

It was fun to be so spontaneous! We usually have a plan and stick to the plan. I love having a plan. Lately though, I am sick to death of the plan! It felt so good to just let it all go for a few hours. We laughed until our cheeks hurt, we danced until our feet were sore, we kissed and flirted and acted like teenagers, we drank until we were giddy (and the room was spinning), we went to bed at a ridiculous hour, slept late and had an amazing, huge, delicious breakfast, we left for home smiling and recharged and a little hung over too. We didn't gamble much at all and the casino is probably a little bitter, but it was just what the doctor ordered! Now, where is my To-Do List...

Halfway to Nowhere

2009-02-04T13:35:00.006-05:00

Well, I am about 1/2 way finished with my mock cycle. I had my lining check yesterday and my lining looked "beautiful!" I did not ask for measurements, because I figured why worry about something that does not matter anyway? I get to cut back my Est.race to 2x per day and I started Endo.metrin 3x per day this morning. Lucky me!

Although the mock cycle is easy and boring, I am not really a happy camper. The estrogen put the whammy on my sex drive in a major way and we all know how very romantic progesterone suppositories are to top it all off. Sigh... poor Sean. Poor me.

My endometrial biopsy is scheduled for next Friday the 13th. Looks like Valentine's Day weekend is going to be filled with romance. Sigh...

I stop all meds on 2/15 and call with a period. I can start FET right away pending results and we are leaning towards doing that.

I am down 10.4 lbs since the New Year and going strong. Losing about 1lb. per week for the last few weeks. I am hoping the meds don't blow me up like a balloon though. Sean is down almost 10 as well. I love cooking and am always looking for more healthy recipes!

We are new/used SUV shopping and it is maddening. I will spare you the details, but after spending Friday, Sat and Sun test driving trucks, I think we are getting closer to making a decision. We are terrible at making big decisions like this. We have a tendency to over think, over analyze and over plan things. Hopefully this weekend we will be the proud new owners of an SUV!

We are also making some headway on our "big life change" plans that I mentioned recently. I will unveil the plan soon. Thank you all for your well wishes and support!

My 1st Blogoversary!

2009-01-26T14:29:00.004-05:00

Today is my first blogoversary! It is hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I began writing and chronicling my IVF journey. When I go back and read my very first post, Maiden Voyage, I find myself sounding very naive and not too sure of my voice in the blogosphere. I was on the eve of IVF #1 and so optimistic.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.

Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:

This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
That doctors don't have all the answers.
That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
That miracles happen.
That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
To do without.
To save more.
That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
That food is my drug of choice.
To live more simply.
That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
That I am not ready to give up.
That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
That this is not the life I planned out.
That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.

As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.

There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...

Let the Mock begin!

2009-01-22T11:20:00.003-05:00

Today is CD2 and I began my mock cycle yesterday. It is pretty boring actually - 1 Es.trace pill once a day for 5 days and then I gradually ramp it up until my U/S on Feb 3rd. At the end of this I have nothing but an endometrial biopsy to look forward to. Fun stuff. Hopefully it will bring some answers and then we can get the FET show on the road!

Still feeling good, still cooking everyday, still trying to be more active. Weigh in tomorrow! I am glad to hear some of you tried the soup recipe!

Thinking seriously about making a pretty major life change, but that's all I'm saying for now. We really want to be sure and have a good plan in place before making any major announcements. I will keep you posted as it evolves... (it is NOT IF related). Send some thoughts and prayers our way - we have a lot to consider.

"...when nothing but Hope and Virtue could survive..."

2009-01-20T15:22:00.005-05:00

My favorite words from today's historic inauguration speech...

"So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." ~President Barack Obama, January 20, 2008

What beautiful words. What a wonderful, blessed day. To HOPE!

Zen

2009-01-16T13:37:00.005-05:00

So, I haven't been so great with the blogging lately. It is all because of my New Year's Resolution to use my time more wisely. The good news is that I am succeeding - getting up earlier, working out on the WiiFit, eating healthy, knocking out the to-do list etc... but that has resulted in much, much less computer time.

Using my time more wisely has been paying off. First, I picked up another tutoring gig 2 mornings a week and that pretty much guarantees me 20 hours a week or more. Second, I have been menu planning and cooking up a storm. We have not eaten out or ordered take-out in two solid weeks. One of my favorite changes is that I now cook dinner in the afternoon and then pack it up and take it to tutoring with me. Turns out eating dinner or take-out at 10pm is bad for the waistline and the pocket book- who knew??? I have lost 8.2lbs, Sean is down 3.5lbs and we have saved hundreds of dollars - seriously. I've even scrubbed the house top to bottom - baseboards and ceiling fans included!

I am feeling good. Really good. Better than I have in a long, long time. I feel healthier, I have tons more energy, I am more hopeful and positive than I have been in months. I am not obsessing over our upcoming FET or infertility in general. I am really at peace with where I am right this moment. It is a good feeling; a peaceful feeling.

I am hoping this feeling lasts, because I will be starting my mock cycle when my period arrives next week. That should take a full cycle to complete and that will leave us staring down the last week of February. I may start my FET right away and I might not. Depends on how I feel and where my head and heart are. All my bloodwork done in December -karotyping, prolactin, and fasting glucose- was normal. That's about all on that front.

I thought I would share my favorite recipes from this week. It is from Bob Greene's new Best Life Cookbook. I tweaked it a bit.

Best Life Bean & Sausage Pasta Soup

1 can white beans (canned, rinsed and drained) *I did 2 cans
3-4 links Hot Italian Turkey Sausage - slit casing and crumble meat
1 bay leaf
1 large carrot
1 onion
Lots of garlic -minced
1 red jalapeno - seeded and chopped
1/2 tsp rosemary
1/2 tsp sage
2 cups tomatoes - fresh or canned
2 cups greens (collard or escarole) washed well and broken into bite size pieces
32 oz reduced sodium organic Chicken Broth
1/2 box of Barilla Plus Elbow macaroni
1/4 tsp salt
Parmesan cheese to top soup

Add 1tbsp olive oil to pot- brown garlic, & onion and sausage. Combine all remaining ingredients, bring to a boil, lower heat and simmer 20 min. Cook pasta in salted water and serve soup over noodles. Parmesan cheese to taste. The original recipe calls for water instead of broth and does not include sausage.

Enjoy!

2009 "The Year of Hope"

2009-01-07T12:24:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year! I hope the first week of 2009 has been kind to everyone! My year is off to a reasonably good start and I am feeling better than I have in a long time. It is nice to be off all the hormones, not have a million doctors appointments, and to actually be feeling a little more like me.

Honestly, the holidays were better than I expected. Family was very supportive and kind without being overbearing or full of 'assvice'. My mom went overboard for Christmas and bought us a Wii. It is seriously the best thing ever! She was so sweet when she gave it to us. She said, "I know we were cutting back this year, but you are so sad and broken hearted. I knew I could not fix it for you, but I could at least bring a smile to your face." That she did! It was also a long over due gift. I begged and pleaded throughout my childhood for a Nintendo system and she never, ever gave in, until now!!! Sean hooked it up Christmas morning and the four of us (Sean,me & my parents) laughed harder than we have in a VERY long time. My parents had a holiday open house the next night and it was definitely the hit of the party! Sean & I have had a ball with it and are completely addicted to Guit.ar Hero! I can't wait until the Wii Fit is back in stock!

New Year's Eve was fun as well. We invited Amanda and her family over for a slumber party. We made tons of appetizers, played Wii and drank an adult beverage or two or three or maybe more ;) It was a great way to start off 2009!

As far as resolutions go, I only made one and it is to use my time more wisely. By doing that I will also be reaching more of my goals - planning my meals, cooking before I leave for work in the afternoon, getting in some exercise, staying on top of home projects etc... I feel my life will have more balance if I am making better use of my time. So far, so good. I have cooked a yummy, healthy meal every day before I leave for tutoring. The house is stocked with healthy foods, I have packed Sean's lunch daily and even checked a thing or two off my master to do list. Life is good in our house this week!

I have been hearing 2009 referred to as "The Year of Hope". The man behind me in the grocery store was making small talk with me and the cashier and he was the first to say it and tie into Obama. It struck a chord with me immediately. I told him how much I loved it and thanked him for sharing it with me. It reminded me of something that happened on Christmas morning. Sean & I had agreed to keep our gift giving very low key this year. We have a bad habit of going a little crazy with gifts for one another, so this year we agreed to keep it small and meaningful. We have a tradition of buying each other a personalized ornament every year for the holidays. I had a hard time picking one this year and told him we should just pick one together. We never got around to it, but on Christmas morning he had an ornament for me to open. It was an old-fashioned white mortar and pestle that you would see in a pharmacy. It has a red ribbon and it says in glittery red lettering 'Rx'. Sean had it personalized to say 'HOPE ~2009~' It took my breath away and I started bawling! Before the New Year had even arrived, Sean had already coined 2009 the year of hope.

Then, during Oprah's Best Life Week show on Monday, she also called 2009 the year of hope, the year hope will triumph. I seem to be noticing it every where.

I have decided to make this my mantra for 2009 - The Year Of Hope. May it be a year of hope for all you - may you find the hope that may be fading and grab on to it with all you have. May hope triumph over fear in 2009.

In honor or our President-Elect, in honor of the Year of Hope and in honor of each of us, some quotes~

"Hope – Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope! In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation. A belief in things not seen. A belief that there are better days ahead." ~Barack Obama

"Hope is not blind optimism. Hope is not ignorance of the difficulties of the task ahead or the hurdles that stand in your way… It’s just the opposite." ~Barack Obama

To better days...

No Expectations

2008-12-30T17:39:00.004-05:00

For the first time in many years I am looking forward to the New Year with no expectations. It's hard to believe, but it is true. I have plenty of hopes and dreams for 2009, but I am so over expecting any one outcome. These past few years have taught me there are just no guarantees for anything in life. People get cancer, people get sick, sometimes they heal and sometimes they don't, cycles fail, businesses fail, economies collapse, people die, there is birth, there is death, women miscarry, couples divorce, miracles happen, there is prosperity, there are hard times, holidays come and go, the seasons change, people lose their jobs, lose their homes, people land the job of a lifetime, build their dream home, move, buy, sell, lose weight, gain weight, there are storms and catastrophes, friends are made, friends are lost, life goes on...

2008 was a hard year for us and many of you. I can't pretend to know what 2009 will bring, but it is foolish to believe it will all be better just because it is a new year.

I am ready to put 2008 behind me and welcome in 2009, but I refuse to put a mountain of expectations upon it. I have learned the hard way and had my heartbroken too many times. I have spent too much time doing 'fertility math' and thinking when this happens or that happens I will be pg, have a 'x' month old, etc...

A new year is a wonderful new beginning, full of hope, but it is in no way a cure all. 2009 will arrive and I will still be infertile, Sean's dad will still have cancer, life will go on. A new year is not a guarantee that this will be "my year." I hope it will, I pray for it, I dream about it, but I no longer expect it.

Happy New Year my friends! May 2009 be a blessed year for you and your families. May your hopes and dreams come true!

The Story of Us ~ December 22, 1996

2008-12-22T10:53:00.025-05:00

December 22, 1996. That is the day that changed my life forever. I was 17 years old and it was the first weekend of Christmas break of my senior year of high school and my friends and I had a full weekend of partying on our calendar. Friday night was a 'private' party at a coffee shop that led to all kinds of mayhem including me in a cute little cocktail dress on my hands and knees in the snow puking my brains out. Saturday was our usual round of bars that we knew we could get into underage. On Sunday, Liz, Aimee and I decided we were still in the mood to dance and have a beverage or two, so we decided to check out a bar we had been hearing ads for on the radio, Fat Cats. They were known for their Sunday night dance party and they were near the college campus so we knew that increased the chance of being able to get in. We hunted down an ID for Aimee, dressed to impress and decided to check out Fat Cats. It was one of those nights where everything just fell into place.

We got past the bouncers with no problem, and settled in for a long night of dancing and drinking- bars in Buf.falo are open until 4am! Soon after we arrived, I ran into some friends of one of my ex-boyfriends. We chatted for a few and I was secretly hoping that Dan (ex-boyfriend) might show up at some point. Why not? Some fun and free drinks to boot! Dan never showed (THANK GOD), but Corey and Brian did come back over to find me and tell me that someone was asking about me. I made my way across the crowded bar and there stood the hot, red-headed, 21 year old goalie from their hockey team. I remembered him right away! When I used to go to the games with Dan, the goalie with the amazing blue eyes and sparking smile had always caught my eye. He introduced himself as Sean and commented about how he remembered me from hockey and just had to talk to me. We ended up talking for awhile and before long I was itching to dance with my girls. He followed me to the dance floor where we 'danced' to "Let me clear my throat" and "Pony" (it was 1996 after all). We got pretty close and I believe we may have kissed once or twice. I also spilled my sex on the beach all over his really nice cream colored Tommy Hilfiger shirt and he made some dick comment about how it had cost $80. I let it slide, I was intrigued.

Liz decided she was ready to go, see she was dating a MUCH older man and she wanted to go find him at another bar. I was not ready to leave, so we broke the cardinal rule; she left the bar alone and Aimee and I stayed and accepted a ride home from Sean in his purple Mustang! Liz ended up having a pretty crazy night of her own, so I don't feel too badly looking back. Sean was a perfect gentleman and even took Aimee and I to breakfast. After he dropped us off, we spent the few remaining hours before daylight on the phone. He revealed that he had always been interested and thought it was a shame that I had been dating a loser like Dan. I confessed that his blue eyes had captured my heart a long time ago. His shirtless appearance in the locker room after the games never hurt either. We never acted on our instincts at the time, I was with Dan and he had a girlfriend, Heather that I used to chat with at the game. Little did we know that Dan would turn out to be huge loser, Heather a psycho stalker and Sean & I would end up living our happily ever after.

We spent the next few days hanging out whenever we could and talking on the phone the rest of the time. We went Christmas shopping for our first real date. He took me to Ruby Tuesday's afterwards & I did not order anything. How stupid! Did I really think I was impressing him? Too bad I am not closer to that girl today, see I can overeat Sean on most days. Oops!

When I went to work a few days later, I was on Cloud 9 and I told the older women I worked with that I had met the man I was going to marry. I just knew.

Christmas was supposed to be the first chance for us to meet each other's families, but we got a wicked storm and my Mom was not comfortable with me driving around with a near stranger in a hot little sports car. We ended up talking the night away and he asked me to be his girlfriend on Christmas night, just before midnight.

He met my parents at a holiday open house a few days later and this photo was taken - our first ever:

The rest, as they say, is history. 12 years and 13 Christmases later, here we are. We have had our share of ups and downs. We had a long distance relationship from 1997-2001. I was away at school and Sean spent every other weekend driving 7 hours to visit me. He proposed for the first time in December of 1997, you can read about that

here. We have survived my Dad's cancer and his heartbreaking death, my mom's cancer diagnosis, surgery and survival, the loss of one grandparent, his Dad's cancer diagnosis, countless surgeries, a college 'infidelity' (a stupid kiss in a bar), a few minor breakups (I call them growing pains now), high school graduation, prom, college graduation, a few weddings and a funeral or two along the way, vacations, hard times, prosperous times, 7 moves, building 2 homes, remodeling a home, a few career changes, raising a puppy, a big huge Irish/Italian Catholic Wedding, family disagreements, a car accident, a family crisis or 2, and we opened a business and closed a business. Of all of that, I believe the hardest thing we have been through, the thing that defines us the most is our infertility. This past year and its 3 failed IVFs has been the toughest of all our 12 years together. I do believe like everything else that we have been through that it will strengthen our relationship and bring us closer together.

Sean is my best friend. My soul mate, my missing piece. He is my strength, my rock, my safe harbor. He knows me inside and out, he loves me unconditionally. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel safe, and loved and protected. He spoils me rotten. He is the most selfless person I know. He lets me take up 3/4 of the couch and the bed and the blankets. He loves my crazy family as unconditionally as he loves me (well, almost). He is laid back and easy going and the perfect compliment to my type A personality. He is the best Daddy to Libby in the whole world and it makes me realize just how lucky our children will be to have him as a Daddy. We have grown up together in so many ways and fallen more in love every step of the way.

In many ways, I feel like Sean saved me. I was prone to partying and heading down a rocky road when I met him. I was dating losers and generally being a foolish 17 year old girl. I feel so lucky to have met him when I did and been able to share the last 12 years growing and learning and loving with him.

On this Christmas, I still feel he is the greatest gift I have ever been given...

*edit - I am still earning how to use the scanner, obviously! Need to learn how to get rid of white space and crop!

A Plan

2008-12-19T10:52:00.005-05:00

I know it has been a little bit since I had anything worth while to say. I have been doing ok, I guess. I am not in the Christmas spirit, not even a little bit. We did not even decorate the house this year. We had very little shopping to do, which was good. I am going to make homemade candy this weekend and I did do holiday cards, but that is about it. My kids are finished with exams and I am finished tutoring until January and am looking forward to the little break. We head up to Bu.ffalo on Tuesday.

I had my WTF appt on Monday with Sh.ady Grove and while it was somewhat informative, I found myself walking away feeling frustrated. Dr. M was compassionate and asked us to keep trying. He agreed that the Ganirelix protocol did not do what we were hoping (more eggs) and that we would go back to a long Lupron if we ever did another fresh. He seemed kind of stuck on the fact that we are "new patients" to him and we "only" had one failed cycle with him and we were hoping he would look more at the big picture. He totally dismissed immune issues, beta 3 integrin (sticky glue), and basically did not see the need for anymore testing. Overall, he suspects a chromosome problem and said we are more prone to one because of the severe male factor. However, he doesn't think we are candidates for any type of genetic testing at this point. He said we don't make enough embryos to risk sending them out. He is not a big fan of PGD and said that they are still in the learning stage of CGH. They will be offering eventually, but no time soon and in his opinion, we are not making blasts, so no CGH for us. This is where I was getting frustrated because I felt he wasn't offering us anything new to get us over the hump. His overall plan:

1. Join their shared risk program - $22K 6 fresh cycles, unlimited FET, 100% refund.
2. Bring our 6 frozens over and include them in shared risk.
3. Try to thaw all embies and grow to blast.

That's it. He wasn't very optimistic about an FET - puts it around 20-25%. I was frustrated. I felt like he was kind of dismissing our frosties and putting more emphasis on shared risk and more fresh cycles.

Our consult at our old clinic with Dr. P was really, really great. Everyone was so happy to see us - it is so warm and friendly. We got hugs from the nurses and receptionists and billing and everyone was sorry to hear we had another failed cycle. I thought I was over needing the warm and fuzzy, but it felt so good to feel so cared for.

Dr. P was completely understanding about us seeking a 2nd opinion and doing IVF elsewhere. I was nervous about that and he put my mind at ease. We talked about the failed cycle and he also said no more anatagonist protocol for me. For another fresh he said long lupron or possibly microdose. He said he was going to pretend that all three cycles failed with him and treat us accordingly, which made us happy because any way you slice it, we have still had 3 failed IVFs. He thinks we are still very good candidates for IVF and have a good prognosis. He also feels that we have some great frosties and is much more optimistic than Dr. M about it. He is excited about doing an FET because he thinks I might just be one of those people who responds well to an FET.

Dr. P is a little concerned why I am so prone to polyps and is wondering if it indicates a possible lining issue. He agrees there could be chromosome issues, but is hesitant to jump right to genetic testing. He said PGD is a very flawed science. It misses a lot of abnormalities, there are a lot of false positives and false negatives and PGD has not been found to increase pregnancy rates in IVF patients. He thinks it has its place if there is a known genetic issue that they are screening for. He admitted to not knowing much about CGH, but would be open to genetic testing under the right circumstances. He thinks we need to focus on getting some blasts before we worry about that though. He also dismissed immune issues/testing and beta 3 integrin. Dr. P doesn't believe there is good science or data to justify testing or treating either. Supposedly, after more than a decade of research on both, there is no increase in PG rates for those undergoing immune therapies or Depot Lupron for Beta3. He also feels there is a huge conflict of interest that only one lab in the country does the beta 3 screenings and they also publish all the studies. He discussed how results can vary wildly cycle to cycle and he believes if it worked and truly increased success rates, every RE in the country would screen for these 2 things. He doesn't believe in testing for the sake of testing or "going fishing" as he put it. I just don't know what to believe in this department as there are so many varying opinions in the field.

Anyway, without further ado, his plan:

1. Repeat SIS on Tuesday to check lining. B/W to screen for insulin resistance and check my prolactin.
2. Order a DNA karotyping for me. Revisit genetic testing pending results.
3. Do a mock cycle before my FET. This means prepping my lining for an FET using Estrace and Endometrium, but instead of doing a transfer, he will do an endometrial biopsy instead to check my lining. I am not sure exactly what he is looking for, but he said "abnormalities" and to see how my lining responds to meds. It always looks great on u/s, but he wants to see it under the microscope. He said tweaks can then be made and if there are abnormalities, they are treatable. I have never really heard of this before, but if it means learning more, then I am all for it.
4. Do an FET cycle after mock cycle. Thaw all 6, culture to blast, transfer 2 or 3 blasts. He feels confident we will get some blasts. Fingers crossed.

Overall, we walked away feeling much more confident about Dr. P's plan. He seems more thorough and more optimistic about the success of this FET. Plus, I feel good knowing my embryos were created there, frozen there, and were the result of 2 good cycles. I walked out feeling like my questions were answered and like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

I have b/w and SIS on Tuesday and I will do my mock cycle in Jan. FET in Feb pending results all the testing.

I feel like my mood has improved slightly since meeting with him and as I have said before, I do best when I have a plan. Now, I hope we get some answers!

Whew, that was loooooooooong. The end.

I've been tagged!

2008-12-11T10:57:00.004-05:00

Not much new to say. I am in TOTAL denial that Christmas is two weeks from today. More on that in a future post. Time for a meme!

Lisa tagged me a few days ago and I thought I would participate. So, 7 random facts you have been dieing to know about me! Ha!

Rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you.2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. I am an 'only' child with 1 half brother, 5 half sisters and 8 brothers and sisters-in-law. I am very close to my in-laws, but I do not know all of my half siblings. I have only met some of them once or twice and it makes me kind of sad.

2. Since I graduated from college in Dec. 2000, we have lived in 7 different apartments/houses etc... We built 2 of them and owned 3 of them. Back and forth between Buffalo and Baltimore a few times too! I feel like a professional mover. It's not over either, because the house we currently live in is a rental! We love it, but know we can't stay forever. I thoroughly enjoy renting though - never more so than when my landlord comes over to fix something expensive like the furnace or does fall yard cleanup ;)

3. I love date night with my husband. Barnes and Noble is a favorite destination. Once or twice a month we head to BN, look around forever, gather reading materials, grab a coffee and a treat and sit in the cafe and read and chat for a couple of hours. Love it!

4. My best friend, Amanda, and I had a huge falling out after my wedding. We did not speak for over a year. We 'got back together' (as we like to say) in 2005 and our friendship has never been stronger. She is my chosen family and I can't imagine my life without her ever again. Infertility has given me a new perspective on the circumstances surrounding our breakup and I see it through a totally different lens today.

5. I have struggled with my weight since college, but being diagnosed with infertility has brought it to a whole new level. I am a total emotional/stress eater and this experience has wreaked havoc on my health and eating habits. I have gained over 50lbs in four years. I hate it. I need to make some changes.

6. Sean & I will celebrate 12 years together this Christmas. I can hardly believe it. I was 17 and he was 21 when we started dating. It feels like yesterday. He first proposed when I was 18. I said yes, my parents FLIPPED and we decided to wait until after college. He waited 4 more years to pop the question again - he was a little gun shy! We finally got married in 2004. Sean is the best thing that ever happened to me.

7. I did not love college. I was homesick and lovesick (see #6). Sean spent every other weekend driving 7 hours to visit me and I lived for those weekends. My college was not a great fit for my personality. I received a wonderful education, but socially - eh. I put my nose to the grindstone and worked my butt off to graduate in three and a half years, I couldn't wait to begin my life with Sean.

Ok, I know you were riveted! Prepare to be riveted 7 more times, by visiting the blogs below! Now, I tag:

1. Amanda @ piecemeal people -of #4 fame!
2. Michelle @ In Pursuit of Parenthood -her blog inspires me & I want to know more!
3. Jennifer @ Mommy Wanna-Be -she needs a distraction!
4. Jill @ Desperately Seeking Spawn- every time we chat we realize we have more in common & I wonder what her meme will reveal!
5. Mo & Will @ Life and Love in the Petri Dish - they need a 2ww distraction!
6. Leslie Lane @What you're not expecting when you're trying to expect - we think alike!
7. Lisa @ Wayward Stork - she is getting ready to wind down her blog and I must know more before she leaves the blogosphere.

Decisions, Decisions...

2008-12-05T14:31:00.005-05:00

After many tears, a great deal of soul searching, and many conversations with each other, friends and family, I *think* we have come to some conclusions about what our next steps might be.

We are very lucky to have 6 frozen embryos from our 1st two cycles. For whatever reason, our old clinic did things kind of backwards and if you had any good looking embryos on day 3, they froze them with the thinking that they can be grown to blast when they are thawed. Here is what we have in the freezer: (scale 1-4 with 4 being the best)

1 @ 10 cell grade 3+
1 @ 9 cell grade 3+
1 @ 8 cell grade 3+ - fragmented
1 @ 8 cell grade 3+
1 @ 7 cell grade 3+
1 @ 6 cell grade 3+

Not bad, right? So, we are going back to our old clinic where these embryos were created and have a consult on 12/17. Our ideal plan (which has been proposed by my docs before) is to thaw all 6, hopefully get a few to grow to blast and transfer the best ones. We have no guarantees that anything will make it to blast at all, but we feel strongly about giving these embryos a chance to grow and thrive. I feel great that some of these embies are from the batch that created a blast or two from the crappiest among them.I also learned they can be refrozen if they look good! FCOM's FET success rates for 2007 were 42%, which is certainly enough to be hopeful about!

Now, I know this plan is not perfect. I know we run the risk of wasting time, energy and resources on something that may never work, but isn't that true of all ART cycles? I am not convinced that there aren't possible immune issues, chromosome issues and maybe even a lab issue, but I am willing to give it a shot regardless. What if it is none of the above? What if it has just been bad luck? What if I am one of those people whose body hates stims, but does much better with an FET?

We feel committed to using these embryos that we created. If it works, not regrets, obviously. If it doesn't, no regrets then either because we will still have options and even more answers.

For now, phone consults with CCRM and SIRM have been postponed indefinitely. If this FET is a bust, we will take that step, but for now, we are trying to muster the energy to give this FET the best shot possible. Honestly, another fresh cycle with all the anxiety and stress that accompanies it, is not appealing to me at all right now. It is not easy and I am not ready for that. I wouldn't cycle again locally and traveling for one day work ups and for almost 2 weeks for stims and ER adds a whole other element of stress to the mix and I want to be 100% sure of my decisions before taking that on. I need to walk through this door first and see where it leads me...

I know I mentioned the possibility of FET with PGD and I think that is off the table for now, unless our dr. feels strongly about it. That is money we don't want to have to spend and would rather hold onto if CCRM or SIRM end up being in the cards. We also decided not to move the embryos to Shady Grove. We think that it is a little risky to move them and they were created at FCOM and did really well in their lab, so why take a chance. Besides missing my polyp, I was very happy with my care at FCOM and to be honest, if feels a little like coming home.

We are not in a big rush, it has been a long year. We may opt for January or February for an FET. We are going to *try* to enjoy the holidays as much as we can handle and try to rest and heal. I am still having a tough time, I am feeling very raw and emotional and broken. I do best when I have a plan though and we are well on our way to one!

In other news, you should head on over to my dear friend, Jill's blog , and celebrate with her! She FINALLY got a BFP on IVF #3! Go wish her congratulations.

Questions

2008-12-02T16:00:00.005-05:00

Thank you all a million times over for your support and kind words.

I started spotting and AF should be here full force by tonight. Can't wait. Post IVF period is painful torture.

I did get my beta moved up by one day, but not before my nurse said, "I'm sorry you are bleeding and getting negatives and you probably don't want to hear this, but, we have seen people in your position still get betas over 600." You're right, I really don't want to hear that, excuse me why I go throw up in my mouth a little.

Despite how I sound, I am doing a little better today. I have been thinking about why this failure hurt so badly. It shocked me a little. I wasn't exactly optimistic after hearing my fertilization and embryo quality reports and thought I was more prepared for a BFN. I think it had to do with all the other changes we made like using assisted hatching, removing my GIANT polyp, lining looking great, new clinic/lab, transferring 3 etc... might me enough to overcome a few crappy embryos.

More than that though, I think it was cumulative effect of all the failures in the past year. 3 failed IVFs is pretty fucking serious and it feels pretty grim. It is beyond the usual explanation of "wrong side of the numbers." I am not giving up, not even close, it is just a stark reminder of how much of an upward battle we still have ahead of us.

I need answers though and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to get them. We are looking at a few options right now including:

1. Moving our six 3day frosties over to S.hady Grove. Thawing them, doing PDG and growing them to blast for a FET. I know PGD is not perfect, but it is an option.

2. Getting a 3rd opinion -possible phone consults with CCRM and/or SIRM and/or Cornell.

3. Examine possible immune issues, chromosomal issues etc...

Our insurance company has cut us off - 3 IVFs and no live birth = sorry you are shit out of luck. We are no longer investing in your broken body.

So, we need to consider the best use of our resources at this point. I know we are lucky to have any insurance at all and believe me, I am beyond thankful for it...

I also plan to have a WTF with my current doctor ASAP, but beyond letting them do my FET, I am not sure I can risk another fresh cycle without more answers.

That is where I am at the moment...

Sean has been my rock in spite of being pretty heartbroken himself. God, I love him and I cannot imagine any other life than this one, with him by my side through good and bad. He has offered to whisk me away for the holidays, but I think our money needs to go to pursuing our IVF options. He is my best friend and my heart and soul and my vows have never meant more to me than they do right now...

Heart Broken

2008-11-30T20:57:00.003-05:00

IVF #3 is over. 11dp3dt - BFN.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Empty.

Numb.

Hallow.

Searing Pain.

Broken Heart.

Pain in my body and soul.

Dark.

Tears.

Cold.

Screaming.

Sobbing.

The words seem empty. Empty like my arms. Empty like my heart. Empty like the 'nursery'. Empty like my womb...

I preferred the paralysis - at least there was a glimmer of hope there.

What might have been - it breaks my heart wide open to even think about it.

3 IVFs. 7 embryos, 7 little babies - gone. My body took them in, chewed them up and spit them out. What could have been...

A handful more arrested in a petri dish dark and alone. All those little lives... What could have been...

6 frozen. Waiting. What might be...

What if this is it for me? What if embryo transfer is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant?

How many more attempts will they allow me? How much more can I take? I am not done, not ready to throw in the towel, but oh the pain and the heartache and the anxiety.

3 failed IVFs. I can't believe this is my life, my pain, my reality. 3 failed IVFs. It has hardly begun to sink in. It barely seems possible.

How does this happen? Why? WHY?

It takes my breath away to even think about the month of December. Not just the holiday gatherings, but all of it. The music, the commercials, the mall, Santa, Christmas cards with adorable families and newsletters, the visiting, the kids, the food, the merriment. Is there any worse reminder of how much this hurts???

I want to run away. I want Sean & Libby & I to disappear to a place where it is warm and sunny and IVF and infertility are all just a nightmare from another lifetime. Where Christmas doesn't exist. Where it is adults only.

PIO after a BFN - could it suck any more? Icing on the cake tonight. Maybe my bloody mess of a post IVF period will start and this shitty day will be complete. A girl can dream.

What a day for a BFN - dark, cold, and rainy.

Paralyzed

2008-11-30T16:37:00.003-05:00

So here I sit 11dp3dt, pregnant or not, and I cannot decide if/when I want to know. I have not tested since Thursday.

I have never been so paralyzed in my life.

I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? Aren't I? The best news of our lives? Or another broken heart?

Sean & my mom both say they can't take the pain of seeing me so devastated. Maybe that is adding to my anxiety level?

I feel normal. I feel hopeful. I feel dreadful. I am scared. I am excited. I want to know more than anything. It is the last news I want to hear. I am anxious. I am obsessed.

Can I make it 3 and a half more days? Should I put myself out of my misery today?

It could all be over, for better or worse inside an hour... Don't know if I can do it.

Are you ever ready for the news that changes your life?

Livin' on a Prayer

2008-11-28T23:12:00.004-05:00

Well, I lied. I said I would not test on Thanksgiving, but of course I did. I could not shake this stupid vision of getting a BFP on Thanksgiving and being able to share the news with our entire family in person on such a special day. So, mid afternoon on 8dp3dt, I tested. BFN. I know, it's still early, but now I am gun shy. I can't take another BFN.

Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.

Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.

Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.

I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...

Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.

I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...

Still Hoping

2008-11-26T23:13:00.003-05:00

Today was 7dp3dt. I caved. I knew as soon as I brought those damn sticks in my house I was done. It was a BFN. I am not upset. A teeny-tiny bit disappointed, but not upset. My reason for testing was simple - there was an off chance it could be + and if so, I knew I could head up to Buf.falo much more relaxed. If it was BFN, I looked at it as a wash - no harm, no foul, still hopeful. So, here I am still waiting, still hoping, still praying for a miracle...

It was a quiet day. We drove up to NY and I had 7 hours to focus on my uterus. It has been kinda throbbing all day. Not really crampy, but twinges and throbs.

I am now officially pooped and it has nothing to do with symptoms and everything to do with getting ready for Turkey Day. Since we got in this evening, I baked Trader Joes Pumpkin Bread, made icing, peeled 15lbs of potatoes, made 2lbs of stuffing and the fresh cranberry sauce.

I won't test tomorrow, maybe Friday. My beta is still a week away, but Shad.y Grove tests late. If I was still at my old clinic my beta would be this Saturday - 3 days away! Knowing that, I will be pretty confident in my results by Saturday either way...

I am trying to keep perspective and remember that there is still a great deal to be thankful for this year. A wonderful supportive family, an amazing, loving, caring husband who also happens to be my best friend, the best dog in the world, great friends whom I consider my chosen family, a job I love, the ability to hope and to dream, an amazingly supportive network of bloggers and friends that I have met through the internet and so much more...

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I'll be thinking of each and every one of you!

Strange Bedfellows

2008-11-25T17:50:00.007-05:00

Ah...Hope & Despair. Has there ever been such strange bedfellows? I am vacillating between the two daily. Welcome to the world of the IVF 2ww!

After yesterday's funk, I am flying pretty high today. I had lunch with my best friend, Amanda. We had a nice day - talking, laughing, eating - pretty typical for us! We also spent some time playing with color combinations for her super cute creations @ piecemeal people. She made my niece this monogram for her 16th b-day and I can't stop smiling every time I look at it. How cute is it??? It is even cuter in the white frame that we picked up. I hope Victoria likes it as much as I do! I also hired her to make 3 more sets for my other nieces for Christmas gifts. I'm addicted!

After our visit, I headed to Target and bought myself a sweater set for Thanksgiving. Target always makes me feel better, but I had to show some restraint. So many cute things. I did pick up a deadly weapon while I was there - pregnancy tests! Downright dangerous for me! Let the obsessing over testing begin!!!

In a little bit, I am off to get a haircut, manicure and eyebrow wax. I am so looking forward to that, I cannot even tell you.

I still need to pack and pick up the house a little before we leave for Buf.falo tomorrow. I HATE coming home to a messy house. Since I might walk right through the door on Saturday night and crawl into bed for several days due to depression over another failed cycle, I figure I better prepare. I guess the upside is that maybe I will be pg and need to crawl into bed out of sheer pregnancy exhaustion. Either way, clean house it is!

I am looking forward to going home, sorta. It is going to be an emotional week no matter how this turns out...

Overall, today I feel fantastic. Some cramping late last night, vivid dreams and VERY, VERY thirsty. Other than that, I just feel like myself. Yesterday, well that was a different story.

See, I told you - Hope and Despair - strange bedfellows indeed. Hope I enjoy, Despair - not so much!

Moody, Irritable, BLAH

2008-11-24T16:20:00.003-05:00

I am 5dp3dt and I am in quite a mood today. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am short on patience, extremely irritable and so emotional. I am guessing I have the PIO and Estrace to thank.

As far as symptoms go, there are none. With my past 2 cycles, I had to do the HCG booster shots so I was having major side effects, but I feel close to 100% normal this time around.

I have had a few twinges here and there and my boobs are mildly sore, but nothing like when I had the boosters. I do not have much of an appetite at all, but I am thirsty. Trying not to obsess - too much!

I was feeling hopeful and peaceful, but today I am just BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I need to shake it off...

I think a hot shower is in order, then maybe I will cook a yummy dinner to take my mind off of things.

You'll Be Blessed...

2008-11-22T09:49:00.003-05:00

The next few days are do or die for my little chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, Theodore, of course!) and I have been thinking a lot about that. In some ways in seems inconceivable to me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. I have been dreaming about pregnancy and children for so long, for so many years and here I am on the eve of a possible pregnancy and I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time I cannot imagine it not being so.

The last few days whenever I look at Sean, I can't help but imagine what our children will look like. Perfect infants with red hair, porcelain skin, huge blue eyes. It takes my breath away and brings a tear to my eye. Then, the tiny voice of doubt in the back of my head whispers, "Don't dare to dream it!" That voice breaks my heart & paralyzes me with 'what ifs.'

What if I am never pregnant? What if IVF fails us? What if we are never parents? What if I cannot give my husband a child to carry on his name, his legacy? What if I cannot give my mother a grandchild? What if I never hold my infant in my arms and whisper in her ear? What if I never look in my child's eyes to see his Daddy's baby blues or his Momma's soft green looking back at me?

I have so many hopes and dreams for these children of my heart. They will have blue eyes, or maybe green. They will have red hair. They will be fair and prone to sunburn like their Daddy. They will have fine, thin hair like their Momma. We will take family vacations to the beach, to Disney, to California. We will visit family in Buffalo. They will love to read. The boys will play hockey. The girls, well they're just a little uncoordinated like me. They will be smart and love school and bubble over with excitement on the first day. There will be Halloween Parties, Birthday Parties, Skating Parties and Slumber Parties. There will be dress-up and singing and tea parties. There will be football games on our lawn and floor hockey in the basement or garage. There will be laughter and love and some tears too. There will be practices and lessons and games and school plays and talent shows. There will be skinned knees and maybe a broken bone. They will fight with each other, but be each other's best friends too. There will be amusement parks and ice cream and popcorn. There will be pizza and movie nights. There will be crayons, finger paint and sticky fingers. There will be lunches to pack and homework to do and plenty of whining to go around. There will be kid's artwork on my walls and family pictures on every table. There will be stomach flus a'plenty, chicken pox, runny noses, sore throats and fevers. There will snuggling and jumping on the bed. There will be Christmas mornings, Easter Egg hunts and Trick or Treating. There will be toys and sporting equipment and backpacks and books strewn about my once tidy house. My laundry basket will run over with tiny socks and onesies. The house will never be quiet again and Mommy & Daddy will be my two most favorite words in the English language...

Please, oh please stay with me little ones. I cannot envision any other future for Sean & I. You are already loved so very much. You are our hopes and our dreams and our hearts...

Blessed by Elton John

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream-
Your eyes might be green,
Or the bluest that I've ever seen...

Anyway, you'll be blessed
And you, you'll be blessed,
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that,
promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed