It's official, IVF#2 failed. I retested this morning and it was a BFN - yes, white as Sean's ass in the winter.
My BFP was nothing more than the last of the HCG booster shots. I am not sorry I tested because it did give me the hope I needed to get through a few days.
I am kind of numb. I really haven't shed many tears and I feel ok. I knew all along that this cycle did not work.
I feel like our chances at a biological child are slipping away. IVF is our only option and it has already failed us twice.
I will schedule a WTF appointment and we need to seriously evaluate our next steps. I think a break and a vacation are in order.
Can't wait for my period to arrive. Post IVF AF is horrendous and a painful reminder of just how badly my body has failed me...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
I caved & I tested &....
I got the faintest BFP in the history of the world. So faint, I walked away, Sean said, "Well?" I replied on the verge of tears, "Whiter than your ass in winter!" He laughed, picked up FRER and said, "I see a 2nd line!" He was right. I guess I am so conditioned to BFNs and had myself so convinced it was a BFN that I just assumed. You may be wondering if this is the BFP "dream" story - no it's definitely NOT. Was there joy? Crying? Celebrating? Picking baby names and calculating due dates??? Soft music playing in the background?
Ahhhh, I don't think so... We both breathed a tiny sigh of relief that it wasn't as white as Sean's ass in the winter, gave each other a squeeze and then sat down to eat our dinner and watch Grey's. Romantic story, isn't it??? Not really the way I imagined my 1st BFP ever in 3 1/2 years of TTC playing in my mind.
Ok - so why am I not over the moon? Well, I have a sinking feeling that it is the dying embers of my final HCG booster shot - 2,500U on 5/8. In the 18 days since I triggered, I have had 17,500U of HCG. At the rate of metabolizing 1,000U per day, yesterday would have been the absolute earliest (day 18) I could have tested by nothing other than my own calculations and even that was shaky.
Why did I test knowing it was shaky? Well, honestly, as you can tell by my previous post, I was losing my mind. I was 100% convinced it was going to be a BFN, so I wanted to confirm and move on. At almost 14 days past transfer, I believe it was too light to be anything besides the final gasp of HCG. Sean did remind me though that I did not use FMU and by rights I wouldn't have even missed a period yet in the non-IVF world - AF is due today for what its worth...
Now that I have my 1st BFP ever, I am not confident enough that it was anything besides false, so no celebrating for me. However, that little pee stick did do me a favor last night - it gave me back some hope and that is good enough for me, for now.
I just need to get through 3 more days....I may test again over the weekend, but I may wait until my Beta on Monday.
Everything crossed ladies, everything crossed!
Ahhhh, I don't think so... We both breathed a tiny sigh of relief that it wasn't as white as Sean's ass in the winter, gave each other a squeeze and then sat down to eat our dinner and watch Grey's. Romantic story, isn't it??? Not really the way I imagined my 1st BFP ever in 3 1/2 years of TTC playing in my mind.
Ok - so why am I not over the moon? Well, I have a sinking feeling that it is the dying embers of my final HCG booster shot - 2,500U on 5/8. In the 18 days since I triggered, I have had 17,500U of HCG. At the rate of metabolizing 1,000U per day, yesterday would have been the absolute earliest (day 18) I could have tested by nothing other than my own calculations and even that was shaky.
Why did I test knowing it was shaky? Well, honestly, as you can tell by my previous post, I was losing my mind. I was 100% convinced it was going to be a BFN, so I wanted to confirm and move on. At almost 14 days past transfer, I believe it was too light to be anything besides the final gasp of HCG. Sean did remind me though that I did not use FMU and by rights I wouldn't have even missed a period yet in the non-IVF world - AF is due today for what its worth...
Now that I have my 1st BFP ever, I am not confident enough that it was anything besides false, so no celebrating for me. However, that little pee stick did do me a favor last night - it gave me back some hope and that is good enough for me, for now.
I just need to get through 3 more days....I may test again over the weekend, but I may wait until my Beta on Monday.
Everything crossed ladies, everything crossed!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Crawling In My Skin
13dp3dt and I am starting to go a bit mad. This is the worst part of the wait for me. My Beta is Monday and I think I may crawl out of my skin before that. I have little, to no, expectation for a BFP, but there is that part of me that is hoping like hell that I am pregnant.
I feel really "normal", as normal as you can feel during IVF. I feel like my boobs are less sore everyday and I am little crampy, but just the standard IVF 2ww stuff. On Tuesday, I was sure my period was moments away from arriving and so far she hasn't arrived. Last cycle, she arrived late in the night on the 15th day (that would be Saturday). Twice this week, I have woken up really early with terrible stomach pain and nausea. I get up, limp to the bathroom with my mouth all "salivay", sure I am going to puke and pass out all at the same time and then it is gone as quickly as it came. It is strange and I really doubt it has anything to do with a potential pregnancy.
I can't get out of my own head right now. I am second guessing and over analyzing everything. The TP inspections are in full force and Sean doesn't understand why I put myself through all this scrutiny, but he doesn't understand that I can't help it.
I can't figure out if my gut is telling me that this did not work or if my protective mechanisms are kicking in for self-preservation reasons. When I read my post from this same time last cycle, I feel like a different person. Then, I was 100% sure I was PG, this time, I am 95% sure I am not.
I think we may test on Saturday, but I am terrified of seeing ANOTHER snow white HPT.
I feel really "normal", as normal as you can feel during IVF. I feel like my boobs are less sore everyday and I am little crampy, but just the standard IVF 2ww stuff. On Tuesday, I was sure my period was moments away from arriving and so far she hasn't arrived. Last cycle, she arrived late in the night on the 15th day (that would be Saturday). Twice this week, I have woken up really early with terrible stomach pain and nausea. I get up, limp to the bathroom with my mouth all "salivay", sure I am going to puke and pass out all at the same time and then it is gone as quickly as it came. It is strange and I really doubt it has anything to do with a potential pregnancy.
I can't get out of my own head right now. I am second guessing and over analyzing everything. The TP inspections are in full force and Sean doesn't understand why I put myself through all this scrutiny, but he doesn't understand that I can't help it.
I can't figure out if my gut is telling me that this did not work or if my protective mechanisms are kicking in for self-preservation reasons. When I read my post from this same time last cycle, I feel like a different person. Then, I was 100% sure I was PG, this time, I am 95% sure I am not.
I think we may test on Saturday, but I am terrified of seeing ANOTHER snow white HPT.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I've Been Tagged!
My friend Jill of Desperately Seeking Spawn tagged me to do this and it sounded like a great 2.5ww distraction!
4 Things I did 10 Years Ago - 1998
1. I had just finished my first year of college in MD and was soooooo happy to be back in Buffalo for the summer.
2. Sean & I did it like rabbits all summer long -ahhhh young love!
3. I bought my 1st car - Sean's dad's white Ford Escort.
4. I worked at Children's Hospital of Buffalo in the food service department. I got this job at age 16 and was my first "real job". They took me back every summer and holiday break for years. It was hard work, but great money and good for character building.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago - 2003 - this was a BIG time in our lives!
1. I was engaged and planning my wedding. I was loving every minute of it.
2. We got a puppy! A 1.3lb mini-schnauzer that we named Libby! We got her in June. Happy 5th Birthday Libby! She is the love of our lives.
3. It was our 1st summer in our first house! We built a townhouse in Joppa, MD. Loved the entire process. We had great neighbors and a house that was cute as a button.
4. I was teaching 5th grade at a public elementary school. I also taught summer school in an Autistic Preschool and I loved it.
4 Things I did Yesterday - A HORRIBLE DAY
1. Lost power for 6 hours and baled water out of sump pump.
2. Took Libby to a new groomer who injured her eye.
3. Took Libby to emergency vet.
4. Went ballistic on groomer and owner when they refused to cover my costs and denied doing anything wrong.
4 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Brothers & Sisters
3. So You Think You Can Dance? - yay, it starts next week!
4. General Hospital - I have been watching for over 20 years. I DVR it everyday!
4 Things I Love to Do
1. Read - anything and everything.
2. Date Night - dinner and a movie!
3. Go on vacation. Love everything about it - the spa, the drinks, the pools, the great vacation sex, the sun, the spoiling...I could really go for a vaca right about now!
4. Snuggle in bed on Sunday mornings with Sean and Libby talking about anything and everything for hours.
Now, I tag: Helping Make Sense (Lisa), Destination Baby (Sarah), Will They Have His Eyes?(Maria) & Your Average Infertility Blog (Gretchen) - No pressure ladies!
4 Things I did 10 Years Ago - 1998
1. I had just finished my first year of college in MD and was soooooo happy to be back in Buffalo for the summer.
2. Sean & I did it like rabbits all summer long -ahhhh young love!
3. I bought my 1st car - Sean's dad's white Ford Escort.
4. I worked at Children's Hospital of Buffalo in the food service department. I got this job at age 16 and was my first "real job". They took me back every summer and holiday break for years. It was hard work, but great money and good for character building.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago - 2003 - this was a BIG time in our lives!
1. I was engaged and planning my wedding. I was loving every minute of it.
2. We got a puppy! A 1.3lb mini-schnauzer that we named Libby! We got her in June. Happy 5th Birthday Libby! She is the love of our lives.
3. It was our 1st summer in our first house! We built a townhouse in Joppa, MD. Loved the entire process. We had great neighbors and a house that was cute as a button.
4. I was teaching 5th grade at a public elementary school. I also taught summer school in an Autistic Preschool and I loved it.
4 Things I did Yesterday - A HORRIBLE DAY
1. Lost power for 6 hours and baled water out of sump pump.
2. Took Libby to a new groomer who injured her eye.
3. Took Libby to emergency vet.
4. Went ballistic on groomer and owner when they refused to cover my costs and denied doing anything wrong.
4 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Brothers & Sisters
3. So You Think You Can Dance? - yay, it starts next week!
4. General Hospital - I have been watching for over 20 years. I DVR it everyday!
4 Things I Love to Do
1. Read - anything and everything.
2. Date Night - dinner and a movie!
3. Go on vacation. Love everything about it - the spa, the drinks, the pools, the great vacation sex, the sun, the spoiling...I could really go for a vaca right about now!
4. Snuggle in bed on Sunday mornings with Sean and Libby talking about anything and everything for hours.
Now, I tag: Helping Make Sense (Lisa), Destination Baby (Sarah), Will They Have His Eyes?(Maria) & Your Average Infertility Blog (Gretchen) - No pressure ladies!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Incubating: Part Deux
As far as my own special circle of hell - otherwise known as "my 2.5 week wait courtesy of the booster shots"- is going, well, it's going okay I guess. I really haven't been obsessing too much -until now. I am 5dp3dt. I had 2 bouts of nausea today - one when I first came in from taking Libby for her morning walk and one when I got to the bank. I think they both had more to do with an empty stomach, being overly warm and possibly even the booster shots, than any "symptom", but none the less it had me running to Dr. Google to see just how early in a pregnancy nausea can be experienced. This of course led to full on breast inspection including poking, prodding, nipple check and vein examination. The boobs hurt, the nipples are fine and the veins are no more and no less "veiny." Then of course the litany of other symptoms I needed to ponder: Am I peeing more often? Who knows? I always pee a lot - that one is impossible for me to judge. Hungry? For sure, but that is thanks to the Prednisone. Tired? Yep, but that's the hormones too. I learned the hard way last time that Progesterone plays nasty tricks on poor, vulnerable women in the 2ww so I am trying not to over analyze, but today that is not going so well. The fact is that by this point implantation has occured or it hasn't and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Oh well - 2 boosters down and 1 to go. T-minus 12 days until Beta...
I feel a little stuck in a holding pattern. I feel like we haven't made much progress in getting the house settled in over a week. We had the initial mad-dash and got the big things done, but then with my ER & ET, we have really slowed down. I really need to get the office in order, the family room decorated, the bathroom cabinets organized, the guest rooms set up and million other things that I just have not been motivated to work on recently. I can't believe we have lived here 2 weeks already!
I did run some errands today and it felt good to check a few things off the "to do" list. Gotta love the Target trip where you spend over a $100 on things you flush down the toilet or rinse down the sink! I did manage to get myself 2 pair of capris to get me through the next few weeks. Did I mention that my fat ass only fits into 2 pair of capris from last summer?!? This happens to me every year - at this rate I am going to be wearing mu mus by next summer. I have gone up a size every summer since I got married - GROSS!!! I hated to buy new clothes at this point because if I get a BFP, it won't be long before I am hitting up the maternity stores and if it is a BFN, I am back at WW and the gym full force ASAP. With the 2 new pair of capris, I now have a grand total of:
1 pair of jean capris
1 pair of black capris
2 pair of yoga pant capris
What a wardrobe!!! Am I ready for the runway or what??? Hopefully there won't be too many social engagements on the calendar in the next few weeks...
I feel a little stuck in a holding pattern. I feel like we haven't made much progress in getting the house settled in over a week. We had the initial mad-dash and got the big things done, but then with my ER & ET, we have really slowed down. I really need to get the office in order, the family room decorated, the bathroom cabinets organized, the guest rooms set up and million other things that I just have not been motivated to work on recently. I can't believe we have lived here 2 weeks already!
I did run some errands today and it felt good to check a few things off the "to do" list. Gotta love the Target trip where you spend over a $100 on things you flush down the toilet or rinse down the sink! I did manage to get myself 2 pair of capris to get me through the next few weeks. Did I mention that my fat ass only fits into 2 pair of capris from last summer?!? This happens to me every year - at this rate I am going to be wearing mu mus by next summer. I have gone up a size every summer since I got married - GROSS!!! I hated to buy new clothes at this point because if I get a BFP, it won't be long before I am hitting up the maternity stores and if it is a BFN, I am back at WW and the gym full force ASAP. With the 2 new pair of capris, I now have a grand total of:
1 pair of jean capris
1 pair of black capris
2 pair of yoga pant capris
What a wardrobe!!! Am I ready for the runway or what??? Hopefully there won't be too many social engagements on the calendar in the next few weeks...
Friday, May 2, 2008
The Power of 10???
ET went very well this morning. All of the Magnificent 7 were going strong and we had some great looking embies to work with. I also met the sweetest girl who was having her ET today for IVF #1. If our hubbys can't be there with us at least we can have girl talk.
We transferred:
We transferred:
- a 10 cell
- an 8 cell
Both were given a grade of 4+ which is my clinic's highest grade and are considered high probability. RE said my lining looked "beautiful"! What more can a girl ask for? (besides a BFP of course!) I am excited about my little 10 cell embie...
We had 3 more good looking 3+ and 4+ in the 6-8 cell range to freeze which brings us up to 6 totsicles. We are watching 2 more until Monday.
The only downside is that my E2 was still not high enough so I have to take the Novarel boosters 3x over the next week 1/2cc each. They make me feel yucky and they delay my beta until May 19th - yep 17 effing days. It was nerve wracking last cycle and I expect nothing less this time around - hopefully the outcome will be different though! At least I have unpacking and decorating to keep me busy...
My butt should be on the couch so I am going to wrap this up. Off to eat some fresh pineapple and watch "The Queen" & "27 Dresses" while the embabies snuggle in. Did I mention that Sean takes phenomenal care of me? I am one lucky girl - he spoils me rotten!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Day 2 Fert Report
All good news! Still have 7 going strong:
4 - 2 cell
1-3 cell
1-4 cell
1-5 cell (our overachiever!)
Excited for ET tomorrow, but find myself assuming that this cycle won't work. I keep saying/thinking things like, "We'll be taking a few month break after this cycle." "I'll be going back to the gym and WW in a few weeks." I can't believe how much my mindset has changed since this point in IVF #1. Still deciding if this is a good thing, bad thing or indifferent...
T-minus 11 hours until the embies come home...
4 - 2 cell
1-3 cell
1-4 cell
1-5 cell (our overachiever!)
Excited for ET tomorrow, but find myself assuming that this cycle won't work. I keep saying/thinking things like, "We'll be taking a few month break after this cycle." "I'll be going back to the gym and WW in a few weeks." I can't believe how much my mindset has changed since this point in IVF #1. Still deciding if this is a good thing, bad thing or indifferent...
T-minus 11 hours until the embies come home...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)