Quick Draw McGraw

First stim check was the morning and it seems the new protocol is working, perhaps too well. I had 14 measurable follicles - 12 on the right and 2 on the left (left always lags for me). That would explain why I am already feeling my right ovary!

The nurse called this afternoon and said that my E2 was, "way over 300" and I would not be taking any Follistim for 24 hours.

I have to do the 2 amps of Menopur tonite, skip my follistim tonight and in the morning and then resume follstim tomorrow night - dosage 225.

I was so busy making sure I had all the directions correct that I never asked for my exact E2.

Back for stim check #2 on Tues! In the mean time, I coast and hope this did not eff up the entire cycle...

IVF #3 and Unwelcome Visitors

I am a little late in posting this, but IVF#3 is underway!!!! I took last BCP on Sunday, had my suppression check on Monday and started stims on Thursday morning. I am doing an antagonist protocol this time and here it is:

225u Follistim in the morning

75u Follistim at night

150u Menopur

1 baby aspirin

1 prenatal vitamin with DHA/EPA

Ganirelix when my follicles start to reach the 14mm mark. No Lupron for me!!!

ER is tentatively scheduled for 11/18, but I am betting on sooner by a day or so.

5 day ET with AH (assisted hatching) tentatively scheduled for 11/23

I will be doing PIO and Estrace starting on day of ER.

My first stim check is Sunday morning.

This protocol is brand new for me:

higher stim doses

stims 2x per day

antagonist protocol

5 day ET

AH

Estrace

It is exciting - sort of. I said before that the one word that summarizes my feelings about this cycle is apprehension and that is still very much the case. When it was time for the 1st dose, I had to refrain from running screaming the other direction. When it was done, I felt a little, tiny bit better. I am hopeful as well, but that is definitely not the overwhelming feeling.

We have not told anyone (minus the entire blogosphere) except my best friend & my mom. We are very leery about sharing every aspect of this cycle with our family and friends. At this point, we have opted to keep it (mostly) to ourselves. If we have good news, they'll be the first to know. Otherwise, it is just too painful to have so many other people disappointed and sad along with us. Telling the story over and over pretty much sucks!

In other news, we have unwelcome visitors in our neighborhood. 30+ turkey vultures have ascended into our yards. Even worse, they gave us a special wake-up call this morning.

At 6:30 we heard a tapping and scratching sound coming from the master bath. We went in to find 3 HUGE turkey vultures on our skylight very captivated by something. They wanted in and they were going to work on the glass pane. It was freaky!!! We felt like we were on the set of a horror movie. Sean tried to scare them off, but they were unfazed. They finally got bored after awhile and took off to the tree tops where they look like the harbingers of doom.

I stepped out a few hours later to snap some photos. They are down right CREEPY and I hope they will be on their way soon.

For your viewing pleasure - the scavengers!

A New Day

I woke up this morning feeling like a new day had dawned for America. I am over the moon about the election of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America.

Yesterday was incredibly emotional. I was all misty while casting my vote, then I swelled with a sense of pride as I knew I just helped make history. I spent the next five hours phone banking at the Obama headquarters. I called hundreds of voters in PA and the calls were so uplifting. I spoke to many, many people. I even helped get Florence, an 83 year old, partially blind African American woman, a ride to the polls to cast her vote for Obama. It was an amazing feeling. The atmosphere at the campaign office was electric and for the first time I allowed myself to really believe this might be happening.

The rest of the day felt like "the day that never ends" and I was anxiously awaiting the results to begin rolling in. Sean, a recovering Republican, kept insisting it would be a landslide for Obama, but I didn't believe it until I saw it happening before my very eyes. When they called Ohio for Barack, I broke out the tissues.

At 11pm when the election was called and Barack Obama was President-Elect, the floodgates opened. Tears of joy spilled from my eyes and I was filled to the brim with hope and pride and optimism. I am so proud to be an American today.

As I listened to Obama's acceptance speech, so somber and yet so inspiring, and I saw the faces in the crowd, young, old, black, white, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, male & female, I knew a new era had dawned in this country. YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN!

This morning as I watched the news, the words of Martin Luther King rang out loud and clear,

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character...

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day...

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true." MLK 8/28/63

Martin Luther King's dream has come true today. We are a great nation and yesterday we elected a man based on the content of his character, not the color of his skin.

Now I am not naive enough to believe the nation is healed over night, but I do believe this is one giant step in the right direction.

YES WE DID!

Trick or Treat

Ah... Halloween is here again. "Goblins, ghouls funny faces walkin' 'round familiar places! This is a day called HALLOWEEN!" So went the words of my favorite elementary school song.

Halloween is one of those days for me, a day like The First Day of School . It has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is a day full of happy childhood memories of costumes and carved pumpkins and parties and candy. Today it is a day of hope and sadness; fear and optimism.

Hope & optimism burn within me like a candle in a Jack-o-Lantern on the eve of IVF #3. I envision Halloweens of the future with 3 little ones all dressed up, a house decorated to hilt, pumpkins carved on the front porch, hayrides and caramel apples, classroom parties, treat bags and ghost stories.

Fear & sadness rear their ugly heads as I envision a host of other Halloweens just like today -empty house, empty arms, broken dreams. Smiles through tears. A reminder of all the Halloweens I thought, "Next year I will surely be pregnant, have baby..." Seasons change, time passes, and yet here we are clinging to same hopes and dreams as the last year and the year before and the year before...

When Sean & I first got married, we used to go to the pumpkin farm and dress up and go to parties all the while dreaming of our future, but then it just got too painful. I still decorate inside (if you build it, they will come mentality, I guess) and go to the local farmers market for a pumpkin, but we don't carve it. We don't dress up and we don't go live it up at any parties any more. We hand out candy and ooh and aah over all the little ones. We smile as our hearts ache. We turn off the porch light and retreat to the safety of each other.

The chill of the ghosts of Halloween future linger in the air tonight as the fates decide our future. Trick or treat?!?!

Rut-roh

I am spotting, gearing up for AF. Normally, this would be a very exciting thing for someone on pins and needles to start an IVF cycle, but, my calendar is all based on Sean starting a new sperm cycle on November 20th. Once AF comes, I am supposed to go for suppression check and start stims, so I am about 2 weeks too early with the bleeding...

Did I mention it's only cycle day 20? I have not had a normal period in months & I think my body is protesting.

I have no idea what this is going to mean for this cycle...

In other news, while phone banking for the Obama campaign, I ran into my the woman who lives across the street. We were chatting for a bit about life and laughing how we never see each other and then run into each other while working for Obama. She has 24 month old twins and sure enough, IVF! We traded war stories for a little bit and bonded. Who knew?

Speaking of Obama, I can't wait for Election Day. We have been obsessed with this election. I think I may have post-election let down when it is all over! Obama/Biden '08!

*******UPDATE**********
Just heard from the nurse and she thinks it is "normal, breakthrough" bleeding. I go on Wednesday for another mock transfer, just to "check things out." Should be on track to start stims on Nov. 6th. Fingers crossed!

I BIG PUFFY heart you!

The amazingly strong and inspirational, Lisa, author of the amazing blog, Helping Make Sense has honored me with the I Heart Your Blog Award. Thanks Lisa!




Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:


1. Where is your cell phone? Charging
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Highlighted
4. Your mother? Amazing
5. Your father? Passed
6. Your favorite thing? Vacation
7. Your dream last night? Forgot
8. Your dream/goal? Parenthood
9. The room you're in? Family
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Buffalo
13. Where were you last night? Work
14. What you're not? Mommy
15. One of your wish list items? BFP
16. Where you grew up? Buffalo
17. The last thing you did? Read
18. What are you wearing? PJ's
19. Your T.V.? CNN
20. Your pet? Libby
21. Your computer? Lifeline
22. Your mood? Apprehensive
23. Missing someone? Yep
24. Your car? Passat
25. Something you're not wearing? Contacts
26. Favorite store? Wegmans
27. Your Summer? OK
28. Love someone? Many
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Week?


Now, I'd like to pass this award to 7 bloggers who excite me when they publish a new entry (8, if you count the fact that I'm unofficially giving this award back to Lisa!!):


Desperately Seeking Spawn


In Pursuit Of Parenthood


Will They Have His Eyes


Maybe Baby


Forcing Seeds


And even though they have already received it, I would be remiss not to tell you that I Heart these blogs too:


French Family Journey


Between The Lines


Thank you all for being my companions on this crazy journey. You rock my socks!

Cancer, Calendars and Company

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I posted! My apologies. I have been so busy recently and feel out of touch with my blog, the boards, email and life in general. The family I tutor for has been keeping me busier than usual and time is flying by.


IVF #3 is underway and I can't even believe it. More to come on that below...


In other sad news, cancer has managed to creep back into our lives. My mom is a cancer survivor, my gramma is a cancer survivor, my dad passed from cancer in '01 and my mom's best friend (another "mom" to me) was claimed by lung cancer many moons ago. On Friday, she eyed another target, my father-in-law :( Can I just say that it is no coincidence that my husband is a good man? His father is one of the best men I have ever known in my life. I love him like my own Dad and I am so sad. For more on my father-in-law's story, see Family Tree.

Chuck has an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Prostate cancer is very common in men, in fact, experts believe most men will have it at the time of their death, but may not even know it. Typically, it is very slow moving and has a high rate of cure. Chuck's is a rarer form. They "grade" prostate cancer with the Gleason scale which goes from 1-10, 10 being the most aggressive form. Chuck's score is a 7. 60% of men are a 6 or less. The good news - they believe it is Stage 1 which means it is contained and has not spread and they caught it very early. As soon as we heard the news we jumped in the car and headed straight to B.uffalo.

Chuck met with an oncologist yesterday and they would like him to start 8 weeks of radiation ASAP. Today, he is going for a 2nd opinion at R.oswell Park Cancer Center in Buf.falo. They are a cancer center for excellence and are rated top 10 in the nation. They are beyond lucky to have such a wonderful place in their backyard. Roswell saved my mom's & my gramma's lives. I wish I could say it was easy to convince them to go for a 2nd opinion though. Boy, were they stubborn about it. They "like" their current urologist and they "trust" him and give him a lot of credit for catching what another urologist missed. While we are thankful for that, we have learned our lesson the hard way about trusting doctors and know the value of 2nd opinions. I am especilly leary of any dr. who tries to dissuade you from a 2nd opinion and tells you to "tell your family to back off and stay off the internet." Yes, their current urologist really told them that. Way to bully 70 year old people. I wouldn't be heart broken if they leave him in the dust. I am anxious to hear the latest update today. These are the times when it is difficult to live so far away...

Speaking of 2nd opinions, IVF #3 is underway! I started BCP on 10/6. Here is my "Lupron Free" calendar, dated from that point:

1. Take last BCP on 11/2

2. 11/3- b/w and u/s

3. 11/6 - start stims - follistim and menopur

4. Once follies reach 14mm - begin Ganirelix

5. 11/18- estimated ER - begin Estrace and PIO

6. 11/23 - estimated ET

With the absence of Lupron in my life, I do not feel like we are really underway. I guess I really won't until I start stims. As you can see, I am rounding out my year of holiday cycles - Easter, my b-day (yes it is a holiday and also Memorial Day weekend) and now Thanksgiving. At least I won't know anything by Thanksgiving and can be hopeful instead of devastated. Christmas, that's another story...

If I could only use one word to describe my feelings about #3 it would be, 'apprehensive'. I have had so much else on my mind and I don't feel like I am even processing that this cycle is starting. I got my big 'ol box of meds weeks ago and it is still sitting in the same place. I probably wouldn't have even opened the box if I did not have to refrigerate the follistim. I am not even consulting Dr. Google about the Ganirelix protocol, although the good "doctor" has come in handy breaking down prostate cancer and gleason scores for me.

My mom arrives in town today and I have piles of laundry to get through, dusting and vacuuming to do, floors to wash, shopping and lasagna to cook. I think I need a shot of caffeine or two to light a fire under my butt.

Speaking of lighting fires, please remember that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Please light a candle at 7pm tonight to create a Wave of Light in honor of this day.

I will be at work and unable to light a candle until later, but I will be thinking of all the families whose lives have been forever changed. May your tiny angels bring you comfort tonight as the world remembers them...