Heart Broken

IVF #3 is over. 11dp3dt - BFN.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Empty.

Numb.

Hallow.

Searing Pain.

Broken Heart.

Pain in my body and soul.

Dark.

Tears.

Cold.

Screaming.

Sobbing.

The words seem empty. Empty like my arms. Empty like my heart. Empty like the 'nursery'. Empty like my womb...

I preferred the paralysis - at least there was a glimmer of hope there.

What might have been - it breaks my heart wide open to even think about it.

3 IVFs. 7 embryos, 7 little babies - gone. My body took them in, chewed them up and spit them out. What could have been...

A handful more arrested in a petri dish dark and alone. All those little lives... What could have been...

6 frozen. Waiting. What might be...

What if this is it for me? What if embryo transfer is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant?

How many more attempts will they allow me? How much more can I take? I am not done, not ready to throw in the towel, but oh the pain and the heartache and the anxiety.

3 failed IVFs. I can't believe this is my life, my pain, my reality. 3 failed IVFs. It has hardly begun to sink in. It barely seems possible.

How does this happen? Why? WHY?

It takes my breath away to even think about the month of December. Not just the holiday gatherings, but all of it. The music, the commercials, the mall, Santa, Christmas cards with adorable families and newsletters, the visiting, the kids, the food, the merriment. Is there any worse reminder of how much this hurts???

I want to run away. I want Sean & Libby & I to disappear to a place where it is warm and sunny and IVF and infertility are all just a nightmare from another lifetime. Where Christmas doesn't exist. Where it is adults only.

PIO after a BFN - could it suck any more? Icing on the cake tonight. Maybe my bloody mess of a post IVF period will start and this shitty day will be complete. A girl can dream.

What a day for a BFN - dark, cold, and rainy.

Livin' on a Prayer

Well, I lied. I said I would not test on Thanksgiving, but of course I did. I could not shake this stupid vision of getting a BFP on Thanksgiving and being able to share the news with our entire family in person on such a special day. So, mid afternoon on 8dp3dt, I tested. BFN. I know, it's still early, but now I am gun shy. I can't take another BFN.

Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.

Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.

Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.

I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...

Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.

I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...