Miraculously, the anxiety is gone & I feel calm going into beta tomorrow. I have felt this way all day today & hope it continues through the morning.
I was dangerously close to POAS last night, but alas, no sticks in the house and a certain package from a certain someone (you know who you are!) that is rumored to contain evil sticks did not arrive. The whole way home from work I'm thinking, "Ok, if the package is there, it is a sign from the universe to test. If not, I'm out of luck and I will wait until beta." Walked in, had to pee sooooo bad, had been holding it for hours and NO PACKAGE, NO STICKS, NO DICE! My fate was sealed, wait until beta.
Ever since, I have been calm, cool & collected.
Beta anytime between 7am-9am, going to Amanda's to occupy myself, results between 1-2pm...EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!
I feel good, I feel hopeful, I feel optimistic, & I am thinking positively. Everything went according to plan - good thaw, good growth, 2 blasts to transfer, one hatching on its own, good hormone levels, smooth transfer, nice lining, some possible symptoms/side effects, no breakdowns, no blood (which can be a good thing, but it terrifies me), no terrible sinking feeling...
Did I mention tomorrow is my doggy, Libby's, birthday? Transfer on Sean's birthday, results on Libby's birthday - works for me!
Please, oh please let tomorrow be the best day of our lives........
16 hours and counting!
*** the package has landed and it contains 2 HPTs from my angels Christi & Jill. One lucky mojo HPT from each of their BFP cycles. Sweetest gift ever, completely made my day and it totally making me rethink my plan ;)! I am off to work for several hours so that will give me some time to think...Thank you ladies!!!*****
Showing posts with label testing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label testing. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
A Plan
I know it has been a little bit since I had anything worth while to say. I have been doing ok, I guess. I am not in the Christmas spirit, not even a little bit. We did not even decorate the house this year. We had very little shopping to do, which was good. I am going to make homemade candy this weekend and I did do holiday cards, but that is about it. My kids are finished with exams and I am finished tutoring until January and am looking forward to the little break. We head up to Bu.ffalo on Tuesday.
I had my WTF appt on Monday with Sh.ady Grove and while it was somewhat informative, I found myself walking away feeling frustrated. Dr. M was compassionate and asked us to keep trying. He agreed that the Ganirelix protocol did not do what we were hoping (more eggs) and that we would go back to a long Lupron if we ever did another fresh. He seemed kind of stuck on the fact that we are "new patients" to him and we "only" had one failed cycle with him and we were hoping he would look more at the big picture. He totally dismissed immune issues, beta 3 integrin (sticky glue), and basically did not see the need for anymore testing. Overall, he suspects a chromosome problem and said we are more prone to one because of the severe male factor. However, he doesn't think we are candidates for any type of genetic testing at this point. He said we don't make enough embryos to risk sending them out. He is not a big fan of PGD and said that they are still in the learning stage of CGH. They will be offering eventually, but no time soon and in his opinion, we are not making blasts, so no CGH for us. This is where I was getting frustrated because I felt he wasn't offering us anything new to get us over the hump. His overall plan:
1. Join their shared risk program - $22K 6 fresh cycles, unlimited FET, 100% refund.
2. Bring our 6 frozens over and include them in shared risk.
3. Try to thaw all embies and grow to blast.
That's it. He wasn't very optimistic about an FET - puts it around 20-25%. I was frustrated. I felt like he was kind of dismissing our frosties and putting more emphasis on shared risk and more fresh cycles.
Our consult at our old clinic with Dr. P was really, really great. Everyone was so happy to see us - it is so warm and friendly. We got hugs from the nurses and receptionists and billing and everyone was sorry to hear we had another failed cycle. I thought I was over needing the warm and fuzzy, but it felt so good to feel so cared for.
Dr. P was completely understanding about us seeking a 2nd opinion and doing IVF elsewhere. I was nervous about that and he put my mind at ease. We talked about the failed cycle and he also said no more anatagonist protocol for me. For another fresh he said long lupron or possibly microdose. He said he was going to pretend that all three cycles failed with him and treat us accordingly, which made us happy because any way you slice it, we have still had 3 failed IVFs. He thinks we are still very good candidates for IVF and have a good prognosis. He also feels that we have some great frosties and is much more optimistic than Dr. M about it. He is excited about doing an FET because he thinks I might just be one of those people who responds well to an FET.
Dr. P is a little concerned why I am so prone to polyps and is wondering if it indicates a possible lining issue. He agrees there could be chromosome issues, but is hesitant to jump right to genetic testing. He said PGD is a very flawed science. It misses a lot of abnormalities, there are a lot of false positives and false negatives and PGD has not been found to increase pregnancy rates in IVF patients. He thinks it has its place if there is a known genetic issue that they are screening for. He admitted to not knowing much about CGH, but would be open to genetic testing under the right circumstances. He thinks we need to focus on getting some blasts before we worry about that though. He also dismissed immune issues/testing and beta 3 integrin. Dr. P doesn't believe there is good science or data to justify testing or treating either. Supposedly, after more than a decade of research on both, there is no increase in PG rates for those undergoing immune therapies or Depot Lupron for Beta3. He also feels there is a huge conflict of interest that only one lab in the country does the beta 3 screenings and they also publish all the studies. He discussed how results can vary wildly cycle to cycle and he believes if it worked and truly increased success rates, every RE in the country would screen for these 2 things. He doesn't believe in testing for the sake of testing or "going fishing" as he put it. I just don't know what to believe in this department as there are so many varying opinions in the field.
Anyway, without further ado, his plan:
1. Repeat SIS on Tuesday to check lining. B/W to screen for insulin resistance and check my prolactin.
2. Order a DNA karotyping for me. Revisit genetic testing pending results.
3. Do a mock cycle before my FET. This means prepping my lining for an FET using Estrace and Endometrium, but instead of doing a transfer, he will do an endometrial biopsy instead to check my lining. I am not sure exactly what he is looking for, but he said "abnormalities" and to see how my lining responds to meds. It always looks great on u/s, but he wants to see it under the microscope. He said tweaks can then be made and if there are abnormalities, they are treatable. I have never really heard of this before, but if it means learning more, then I am all for it.
4. Do an FET cycle after mock cycle. Thaw all 6, culture to blast, transfer 2 or 3 blasts. He feels confident we will get some blasts. Fingers crossed.
Overall, we walked away feeling much more confident about Dr. P's plan. He seems more thorough and more optimistic about the success of this FET. Plus, I feel good knowing my embryos were created there, frozen there, and were the result of 2 good cycles. I walked out feeling like my questions were answered and like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
I have b/w and SIS on Tuesday and I will do my mock cycle in Jan. FET in Feb pending results all the testing.
I feel like my mood has improved slightly since meeting with him and as I have said before, I do best when I have a plan. Now, I hope we get some answers!
Whew, that was loooooooooong. The end.
I had my WTF appt on Monday with Sh.ady Grove and while it was somewhat informative, I found myself walking away feeling frustrated. Dr. M was compassionate and asked us to keep trying. He agreed that the Ganirelix protocol did not do what we were hoping (more eggs) and that we would go back to a long Lupron if we ever did another fresh. He seemed kind of stuck on the fact that we are "new patients" to him and we "only" had one failed cycle with him and we were hoping he would look more at the big picture. He totally dismissed immune issues, beta 3 integrin (sticky glue), and basically did not see the need for anymore testing. Overall, he suspects a chromosome problem and said we are more prone to one because of the severe male factor. However, he doesn't think we are candidates for any type of genetic testing at this point. He said we don't make enough embryos to risk sending them out. He is not a big fan of PGD and said that they are still in the learning stage of CGH. They will be offering eventually, but no time soon and in his opinion, we are not making blasts, so no CGH for us. This is where I was getting frustrated because I felt he wasn't offering us anything new to get us over the hump. His overall plan:
1. Join their shared risk program - $22K 6 fresh cycles, unlimited FET, 100% refund.
2. Bring our 6 frozens over and include them in shared risk.
3. Try to thaw all embies and grow to blast.
That's it. He wasn't very optimistic about an FET - puts it around 20-25%. I was frustrated. I felt like he was kind of dismissing our frosties and putting more emphasis on shared risk and more fresh cycles.
Our consult at our old clinic with Dr. P was really, really great. Everyone was so happy to see us - it is so warm and friendly. We got hugs from the nurses and receptionists and billing and everyone was sorry to hear we had another failed cycle. I thought I was over needing the warm and fuzzy, but it felt so good to feel so cared for.
Dr. P was completely understanding about us seeking a 2nd opinion and doing IVF elsewhere. I was nervous about that and he put my mind at ease. We talked about the failed cycle and he also said no more anatagonist protocol for me. For another fresh he said long lupron or possibly microdose. He said he was going to pretend that all three cycles failed with him and treat us accordingly, which made us happy because any way you slice it, we have still had 3 failed IVFs. He thinks we are still very good candidates for IVF and have a good prognosis. He also feels that we have some great frosties and is much more optimistic than Dr. M about it. He is excited about doing an FET because he thinks I might just be one of those people who responds well to an FET.
Dr. P is a little concerned why I am so prone to polyps and is wondering if it indicates a possible lining issue. He agrees there could be chromosome issues, but is hesitant to jump right to genetic testing. He said PGD is a very flawed science. It misses a lot of abnormalities, there are a lot of false positives and false negatives and PGD has not been found to increase pregnancy rates in IVF patients. He thinks it has its place if there is a known genetic issue that they are screening for. He admitted to not knowing much about CGH, but would be open to genetic testing under the right circumstances. He thinks we need to focus on getting some blasts before we worry about that though. He also dismissed immune issues/testing and beta 3 integrin. Dr. P doesn't believe there is good science or data to justify testing or treating either. Supposedly, after more than a decade of research on both, there is no increase in PG rates for those undergoing immune therapies or Depot Lupron for Beta3. He also feels there is a huge conflict of interest that only one lab in the country does the beta 3 screenings and they also publish all the studies. He discussed how results can vary wildly cycle to cycle and he believes if it worked and truly increased success rates, every RE in the country would screen for these 2 things. He doesn't believe in testing for the sake of testing or "going fishing" as he put it. I just don't know what to believe in this department as there are so many varying opinions in the field.
Anyway, without further ado, his plan:
1. Repeat SIS on Tuesday to check lining. B/W to screen for insulin resistance and check my prolactin.
2. Order a DNA karotyping for me. Revisit genetic testing pending results.
3. Do a mock cycle before my FET. This means prepping my lining for an FET using Estrace and Endometrium, but instead of doing a transfer, he will do an endometrial biopsy instead to check my lining. I am not sure exactly what he is looking for, but he said "abnormalities" and to see how my lining responds to meds. It always looks great on u/s, but he wants to see it under the microscope. He said tweaks can then be made and if there are abnormalities, they are treatable. I have never really heard of this before, but if it means learning more, then I am all for it.
4. Do an FET cycle after mock cycle. Thaw all 6, culture to blast, transfer 2 or 3 blasts. He feels confident we will get some blasts. Fingers crossed.
Overall, we walked away feeling much more confident about Dr. P's plan. He seems more thorough and more optimistic about the success of this FET. Plus, I feel good knowing my embryos were created there, frozen there, and were the result of 2 good cycles. I walked out feeling like my questions were answered and like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
I have b/w and SIS on Tuesday and I will do my mock cycle in Jan. FET in Feb pending results all the testing.
I feel like my mood has improved slightly since meeting with him and as I have said before, I do best when I have a plan. Now, I hope we get some answers!
Whew, that was loooooooooong. The end.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Questions
Thank you all a million times over for your support and kind words.
I started spotting and AF should be here full force by tonight. Can't wait. Post IVF period is painful torture.
I did get my beta moved up by one day, but not before my nurse said, "I'm sorry you are bleeding and getting negatives and you probably don't want to hear this, but, we have seen people in your position still get betas over 600." You're right, I really don't want to hear that, excuse me why I go throw up in my mouth a little.
Despite how I sound, I am doing a little better today. I have been thinking about why this failure hurt so badly. It shocked me a little. I wasn't exactly optimistic after hearing my fertilization and embryo quality reports and thought I was more prepared for a BFN. I think it had to do with all the other changes we made like using assisted hatching, removing my GIANT polyp, lining looking great, new clinic/lab, transferring 3 etc... might me enough to overcome a few crappy embryos.
More than that though, I think it was cumulative effect of all the failures in the past year. 3 failed IVFs is pretty fucking serious and it feels pretty grim. It is beyond the usual explanation of "wrong side of the numbers." I am not giving up, not even close, it is just a stark reminder of how much of an upward battle we still have ahead of us.
I need answers though and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to get them. We are looking at a few options right now including:
1. Moving our six 3day frosties over to S.hady Grove. Thawing them, doing PDG and growing them to blast for a FET. I know PGD is not perfect, but it is an option.
2. Getting a 3rd opinion -possible phone consults with CCRM and/or SIRM and/or Cornell.
3. Examine possible immune issues, chromosomal issues etc...
Our insurance company has cut us off - 3 IVFs and no live birth = sorry you are shit out of luck. We are no longer investing in your broken body.
So, we need to consider the best use of our resources at this point. I know we are lucky to have any insurance at all and believe me, I am beyond thankful for it...
I also plan to have a WTF with my current doctor ASAP, but beyond letting them do my FET, I am not sure I can risk another fresh cycle without more answers.
That is where I am at the moment...
Sean has been my rock in spite of being pretty heartbroken himself. God, I love him and I cannot imagine any other life than this one, with him by my side through good and bad. He has offered to whisk me away for the holidays, but I think our money needs to go to pursuing our IVF options. He is my best friend and my heart and soul and my vows have never meant more to me than they do right now...
I started spotting and AF should be here full force by tonight. Can't wait. Post IVF period is painful torture.
I did get my beta moved up by one day, but not before my nurse said, "I'm sorry you are bleeding and getting negatives and you probably don't want to hear this, but, we have seen people in your position still get betas over 600." You're right, I really don't want to hear that, excuse me why I go throw up in my mouth a little.
Despite how I sound, I am doing a little better today. I have been thinking about why this failure hurt so badly. It shocked me a little. I wasn't exactly optimistic after hearing my fertilization and embryo quality reports and thought I was more prepared for a BFN. I think it had to do with all the other changes we made like using assisted hatching, removing my GIANT polyp, lining looking great, new clinic/lab, transferring 3 etc... might me enough to overcome a few crappy embryos.
More than that though, I think it was cumulative effect of all the failures in the past year. 3 failed IVFs is pretty fucking serious and it feels pretty grim. It is beyond the usual explanation of "wrong side of the numbers." I am not giving up, not even close, it is just a stark reminder of how much of an upward battle we still have ahead of us.
I need answers though and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to get them. We are looking at a few options right now including:
1. Moving our six 3day frosties over to S.hady Grove. Thawing them, doing PDG and growing them to blast for a FET. I know PGD is not perfect, but it is an option.
2. Getting a 3rd opinion -possible phone consults with CCRM and/or SIRM and/or Cornell.
3. Examine possible immune issues, chromosomal issues etc...
Our insurance company has cut us off - 3 IVFs and no live birth = sorry you are shit out of luck. We are no longer investing in your broken body.
So, we need to consider the best use of our resources at this point. I know we are lucky to have any insurance at all and believe me, I am beyond thankful for it...
I also plan to have a WTF with my current doctor ASAP, but beyond letting them do my FET, I am not sure I can risk another fresh cycle without more answers.
That is where I am at the moment...
Sean has been my rock in spite of being pretty heartbroken himself. God, I love him and I cannot imagine any other life than this one, with him by my side through good and bad. He has offered to whisk me away for the holidays, but I think our money needs to go to pursuing our IVF options. He is my best friend and my heart and soul and my vows have never meant more to me than they do right now...
Friday, November 28, 2008
Livin' on a Prayer
Well, I lied. I said I would not test on Thanksgiving, but of course I did. I could not shake this stupid vision of getting a BFP on Thanksgiving and being able to share the news with our entire family in person on such a special day. So, mid afternoon on 8dp3dt, I tested. BFN. I know, it's still early, but now I am gun shy. I can't take another BFN.
Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.
Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.
Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.
I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...
Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.
I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...
Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.
Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.
Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.
I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...
Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.
I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Still Hoping
Today was 7dp3dt. I caved. I knew as soon as I brought those damn sticks in my house I was done. It was a BFN. I am not upset. A teeny-tiny bit disappointed, but not upset. My reason for testing was simple - there was an off chance it could be + and if so, I knew I could head up to Buf.falo much more relaxed. If it was BFN, I looked at it as a wash - no harm, no foul, still hopeful. So, here I am still waiting, still hoping, still praying for a miracle...
It was a quiet day. We drove up to NY and I had 7 hours to focus on my uterus. It has been kinda throbbing all day. Not really crampy, but twinges and throbs.
I am now officially pooped and it has nothing to do with symptoms and everything to do with getting ready for Turkey Day. Since we got in this evening, I baked Trader Joes Pumpkin Bread, made icing, peeled 15lbs of potatoes, made 2lbs of stuffing and the fresh cranberry sauce.
I won't test tomorrow, maybe Friday. My beta is still a week away, but Shad.y Grove tests late. If I was still at my old clinic my beta would be this Saturday - 3 days away! Knowing that, I will be pretty confident in my results by Saturday either way...
I am trying to keep perspective and remember that there is still a great deal to be thankful for this year. A wonderful supportive family, an amazing, loving, caring husband who also happens to be my best friend, the best dog in the world, great friends whom I consider my chosen family, a job I love, the ability to hope and to dream, an amazingly supportive network of bloggers and friends that I have met through the internet and so much more...
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I'll be thinking of each and every one of you!
It was a quiet day. We drove up to NY and I had 7 hours to focus on my uterus. It has been kinda throbbing all day. Not really crampy, but twinges and throbs.
I am now officially pooped and it has nothing to do with symptoms and everything to do with getting ready for Turkey Day. Since we got in this evening, I baked Trader Joes Pumpkin Bread, made icing, peeled 15lbs of potatoes, made 2lbs of stuffing and the fresh cranberry sauce.
I won't test tomorrow, maybe Friday. My beta is still a week away, but Shad.y Grove tests late. If I was still at my old clinic my beta would be this Saturday - 3 days away! Knowing that, I will be pretty confident in my results by Saturday either way...
I am trying to keep perspective and remember that there is still a great deal to be thankful for this year. A wonderful supportive family, an amazing, loving, caring husband who also happens to be my best friend, the best dog in the world, great friends whom I consider my chosen family, a job I love, the ability to hope and to dream, an amazingly supportive network of bloggers and friends that I have met through the internet and so much more...
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I'll be thinking of each and every one of you!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Strange Bedfellows
Ah...Hope & Despair. Has there ever been such strange bedfellows? I am vacillating between the two daily. Welcome to the world of the IVF 2ww!
After yesterday's funk, I am flying pretty high today. I had lunch with my best friend, Amanda. We had a nice day - talking, laughing, eating - pretty typical for us! We also spent some time playing with color combinations for her super cute creations @ piecemeal people. She made my niece this monogram for her 16th b-day and I can't stop smiling every time I look at it. How cute is it??? It is even cuter in the white frame that we picked up. I hope Victoria likes it as much as I do! I also hired her to make 3 more sets for my other nieces for Christmas gifts. I'm addicted!
After our visit, I headed to Target and bought myself a sweater set for Thanksgiving. Target always makes me feel better, but I had to show some restraint. So many cute things. I did pick up a deadly weapon while I was there - pregnancy tests! Downright dangerous for me! Let the obsessing over testing begin!!!
In a little bit, I am off to get a haircut, manicure and eyebrow wax. I am so looking forward to that, I cannot even tell you.
I still need to pack and pick up the house a little before we leave for Buf.falo tomorrow. I HATE coming home to a messy house. Since I might walk right through the door on Saturday night and crawl into bed for several days due to depression over another failed cycle, I figure I better prepare. I guess the upside is that maybe I will be pg and need to crawl into bed out of sheer pregnancy exhaustion. Either way, clean house it is!
I am looking forward to going home, sorta. It is going to be an emotional week no matter how this turns out...
Overall, today I feel fantastic. Some cramping late last night, vivid dreams and VERY, VERY thirsty. Other than that, I just feel like myself. Yesterday, well that was a different story.
See, I told you - Hope and Despair - strange bedfellows indeed. Hope I enjoy, Despair - not so much!
After yesterday's funk, I am flying pretty high today. I had lunch with my best friend, Amanda. We had a nice day - talking, laughing, eating - pretty typical for us! We also spent some time playing with color combinations for her super cute creations @ piecemeal people. She made my niece this monogram for her 16th b-day and I can't stop smiling every time I look at it. How cute is it??? It is even cuter in the white frame that we picked up. I hope Victoria likes it as much as I do! I also hired her to make 3 more sets for my other nieces for Christmas gifts. I'm addicted!
After our visit, I headed to Target and bought myself a sweater set for Thanksgiving. Target always makes me feel better, but I had to show some restraint. So many cute things. I did pick up a deadly weapon while I was there - pregnancy tests! Downright dangerous for me! Let the obsessing over testing begin!!!
In a little bit, I am off to get a haircut, manicure and eyebrow wax. I am so looking forward to that, I cannot even tell you.
I still need to pack and pick up the house a little before we leave for Buf.falo tomorrow. I HATE coming home to a messy house. Since I might walk right through the door on Saturday night and crawl into bed for several days due to depression over another failed cycle, I figure I better prepare. I guess the upside is that maybe I will be pg and need to crawl into bed out of sheer pregnancy exhaustion. Either way, clean house it is!
I am looking forward to going home, sorta. It is going to be an emotional week no matter how this turns out...
Overall, today I feel fantastic. Some cramping late last night, vivid dreams and VERY, VERY thirsty. Other than that, I just feel like myself. Yesterday, well that was a different story.
See, I told you - Hope and Despair - strange bedfellows indeed. Hope I enjoy, Despair - not so much!
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