7dp6dt - Calm **Updated***

Miraculously, the anxiety is gone & I feel calm going into beta tomorrow. I have felt this way all day today & hope it continues through the morning.

I was dangerously close to POAS last night, but alas, no sticks in the house and a certain package from a certain someone (you know who you are!) that is rumored to contain evil sticks did not arrive. The whole way home from work I'm thinking, "Ok, if the package is there, it is a sign from the universe to test. If not, I'm out of luck and I will wait until beta." Walked in, had to pee sooooo bad, had been holding it for hours and NO PACKAGE, NO STICKS, NO DICE! My fate was sealed, wait until beta.

Ever since, I have been calm, cool & collected.

Beta anytime between 7am-9am, going to Amanda's to occupy myself, results between 1-2pm...EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!

I feel good, I feel hopeful, I feel optimistic, & I am thinking positively. Everything went according to plan - good thaw, good growth, 2 blasts to transfer, one hatching on its own, good hormone levels, smooth transfer, nice lining, some possible symptoms/side effects, no breakdowns, no blood (which can be a good thing, but it terrifies me), no terrible sinking feeling...

Did I mention tomorrow is my doggy, Libby's, birthday? Transfer on Sean's birthday, results on Libby's birthday - works for me!

Please, oh please let tomorrow be the best day of our lives........

16 hours and counting!

*** the package has landed and it contains 2 HPTs from my angels Christi & Jill. One lucky mojo HPT from each of their BFP cycles. Sweetest gift ever, completely made my day and it totally making me rethink my plan ;)! I am off to work for several hours so that will give me some time to think...Thank you ladies!!!*****

3dp6dt

Sign from the universe: Alarm goes off at 6am for Sean's tee time and the very first notes of Jack & Dianne were playing. We giggled and listened & imagined the possibilities.

Symptom checker: All is quiet on the uterine front. CANNOT get rid of horrible taste in mouth - metallic & yucky! Boobs possibly slightly more heavy feeling today, but I find the Endometrin leaves them feeling a little different on a day to day basis.

Plan for the day: Visit a museum, prep some stuff for brunch, spend time with the fam, quietly obsess & wonder...

Countdown to Beta: 5 days!

1dp6dt - Implantation Day?!?

After consulting Dr. Google obsessively and talking with our embryologist during transfer, it appears that today is the big day for Jack & Diane/Ben & Jerry! Will they or won't they???

I am nervous and hopeful and feeling like it is all out of our control. All the humans have played their parts and now we need a little help from God, Fate, Destiny, Mother Nature...this is truly where medicine meets miracle, the joining of the hands of God & science.

I am following instructions and staying flat on the couch. Sean spoiled me and pampered me last night and I only got up to potty and head up to bed. He had to go back to work today, but he cooked me breakfast & lunch before he left. Cheesy eggs and toast for breakfast and Ring O'Noodle soup with egg & a pb&j sandwich on whole grain for lunch. He even laid out a cheese stick, yogurt and pineapple for snacks. He is the best! He should be home early tonight and I am contemplating joining him on a trip to the grocery store to do our Easter Brunch shopping. Playing that by ear though!

In the mean time, I have spent a lot of time online, watched trashy TV - 90210 baby! - a few episodes of a Baby Story, developed my Easter Menu, made a grocery list, and talked on the phone. On the horizon, meditate and a nap, maybe a movie...it's a good life!

Symptom checker: Nothing at all. Possible pulling on the right side, but I could be making that up:) Already been on the progesterone for a week, so pretty accustomed to those side effects, which are mild at this point.

Oh please, oh please let this be the day...

7 days until Beta!

Paralyzed

So here I sit 11dp3dt, pregnant or not, and I cannot decide if/when I want to know. I have not tested since Thursday.

I have never been so paralyzed in my life.

I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? Aren't I? The best news of our lives? Or another broken heart?

Sean & my mom both say they can't take the pain of seeing me so devastated. Maybe that is adding to my anxiety level?

I feel normal. I feel hopeful. I feel dreadful. I am scared. I am excited. I want to know more than anything. It is the last news I want to hear. I am anxious. I am obsessed.

Can I make it 3 and a half more days? Should I put myself out of my misery today?

It could all be over, for better or worse inside an hour... Don't know if I can do it.

Are you ever ready for the news that changes your life?

Livin' on a Prayer

Well, I lied. I said I would not test on Thanksgiving, but of course I did. I could not shake this stupid vision of getting a BFP on Thanksgiving and being able to share the news with our entire family in person on such a special day. So, mid afternoon on 8dp3dt, I tested. BFN. I know, it's still early, but now I am gun shy. I can't take another BFN.

Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.

Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.

Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.

I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...

Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.

I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...

Still Hoping

Today was 7dp3dt. I caved. I knew as soon as I brought those damn sticks in my house I was done. It was a BFN. I am not upset. A teeny-tiny bit disappointed, but not upset. My reason for testing was simple - there was an off chance it could be + and if so, I knew I could head up to Buf.falo much more relaxed. If it was BFN, I looked at it as a wash - no harm, no foul, still hopeful. So, here I am still waiting, still hoping, still praying for a miracle...

It was a quiet day. We drove up to NY and I had 7 hours to focus on my uterus. It has been kinda throbbing all day. Not really crampy, but twinges and throbs.

I am now officially pooped and it has nothing to do with symptoms and everything to do with getting ready for Turkey Day. Since we got in this evening, I baked Trader Joes Pumpkin Bread, made icing, peeled 15lbs of potatoes, made 2lbs of stuffing and the fresh cranberry sauce.

I won't test tomorrow, maybe Friday. My beta is still a week away, but Shad.y Grove tests late. If I was still at my old clinic my beta would be this Saturday - 3 days away! Knowing that, I will be pretty confident in my results by Saturday either way...

I am trying to keep perspective and remember that there is still a great deal to be thankful for this year. A wonderful supportive family, an amazing, loving, caring husband who also happens to be my best friend, the best dog in the world, great friends whom I consider my chosen family, a job I love, the ability to hope and to dream, an amazingly supportive network of bloggers and friends that I have met through the internet and so much more...

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I'll be thinking of each and every one of you!

Strange Bedfellows

Ah...Hope & Despair. Has there ever been such strange bedfellows? I am vacillating between the two daily. Welcome to the world of the IVF 2ww!


After yesterday's funk, I am flying pretty high today. I had lunch with my best friend, Amanda. We had a nice day - talking, laughing, eating - pretty typical for us! We also spent some time playing with color combinations for her super cute creations @ piecemeal people. She made my niece this monogram for her 16th b-day and I can't stop smiling every time I look at it. How cute is it??? It is even cuter in the white frame that we picked up. I hope Victoria likes it as much as I do! I also hired her to make 3 more sets for my other nieces for Christmas gifts. I'm addicted!


After our visit, I headed to Target and bought myself a sweater set for Thanksgiving. Target always makes me feel better, but I had to show some restraint. So many cute things. I did pick up a deadly weapon while I was there - pregnancy tests! Downright dangerous for me! Let the obsessing over testing begin!!!

In a little bit, I am off to get a haircut, manicure and eyebrow wax. I am so looking forward to that, I cannot even tell you.

I still need to pack and pick up the house a little before we leave for Buf.falo tomorrow. I HATE coming home to a messy house. Since I might walk right through the door on Saturday night and crawl into bed for several days due to depression over another failed cycle, I figure I better prepare. I guess the upside is that maybe I will be pg and need to crawl into bed out of sheer pregnancy exhaustion. Either way, clean house it is!

I am looking forward to going home, sorta. It is going to be an emotional week no matter how this turns out...

Overall, today I feel fantastic. Some cramping late last night, vivid dreams and VERY, VERY thirsty. Other than that, I just feel like myself. Yesterday, well that was a different story.

See, I told you - Hope and Despair - strange bedfellows indeed. Hope I enjoy, Despair - not so much!