and Emily's anxiety level is sky high! I can't believe how volatile my emotional state is right now. One minute I am sitting here in my bella band, reading my pregnancy books, browsing baby sites feeling 100% like a normal, naive, confident pregnant woman. The next minute, I am freaking out, questioning my symptoms, thinking about the bleeding episode and doubting that we will hear good news tomorrow. This sucks!
I asked Amanda if she felt this way when she was pregnant and she said no. She just assumed everything was fine and going according to plan. She commented about how much she thinks infertility has stolen from me and how it doesn't end when you are finally pregnant and she is 100% right. I think I am pretty calm and "normal" about this pregnancy and then I get close to a blood draw or have some spotting or get ready for my u/s and I am a mess! This is not what normal women go through! In some ways, I guess women who suffer with IF just know too much. We have seen too much heartbreak to relax and go with the flow.
I said from day 1 that I was going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. I said I knew there were things that were out of my control and that I couldn't obsess over them. I am trying hard to keep my word and most of the time, I do a decent job of that, but there are moments...
In my gut, my instinct tells me everything will be just fine tomorrow, so where does this doubt come from? Why do I let it get to me? Do I have 7 more months of this to look forward to?
I did have a tinge of brown spotting last night for a few hours and that ramped the anxiety level way up again. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!
I broke down and bought a bella band this weekend, rather a belly sleeve from Motherhood, and I am in HEAVEN! The bloat has been unreal and even though I haven't gained any weight since transfer, my pants are all way too tight in the belly. I plan to order the "real thing" online this week. What a wonderful invention.
While we were in Motherhood, I decided to ask about a new bra. Some of you may remember that I broke my bra just before beta? Well, I am so glad I decided to ask the girl for some help. She measured me and I have already grown more than a cup size!!! I am usually a C cup and she measured me between a D & an E (their version of DD). I tried them both and the D fit perfectly, but she said there should be a little room to grow so I went with the E. Sean got a kick out of this :) Between the new bra and the bella band, I am so much more comfortable! Oh, and their bras are REALLY affordable which is a nice change of pace for me.
We had a great weekend. We went to 2 movies and lots of going out for dinner and relaxing. Sean cleaned the entire house while I was at work on Sunday. Yes, ladies, he even scrubbed the toilets and the showers! I am in heaven. Last night he got a refresher on how to do laundry because once I started spotting he wouldn't let me run downstairs. I am such a lucky girl!
Symptom Checker - all the same symptoms. The bloat is really, really bad right now!
Hope you all had a lovely weekend. If you have some good thoughts, good vibes and/or extra prayers to send our way, it would be much appreciated. I will update when I can...
P.S. - I voted "2" because Sean & I have each on separate occasions, years apart, by 2 different psychics, been told we would have twins...
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
6 weeks
Once again, thank you so much for your responses. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice with me. I love how so many new people are coming out of lurker status to comment!
We have decided to wait until Tuesday for the u/s. It is more of a "trusting my gut" thing than anything else, but, the fact that if we didn't see a heartbeat, I would be stuck in limbo for an entire week helped me make a decision because I think that would be worse than waiting until Tuesday. I will be anxiously counting down the moments, but it will be here soon enough, I guess.
I have been taking it very easy since Monday, probably unnecessarily so, but I have not had anything pressing going on, so why not? My anxiety level is way down, but I am not quite back to the happy-go-lucky, little ray of sunshine that I was last week either. I will feel 100% better after the u/s.
I am done with PIO and back on Endometrin suppositories and really hoping that going back to supps doesn't stir up the bleeding. We had an insurance lapse while we were waiting for COBRA to kick in and Endometrin was CRAZY expensive and we already had PIO at home. 2ccs of PIO nightly is really tough on the muscles though and my nurse was anxious for me to get back to the supps ASAP. My butt and hips are sore and I suspect they will be for awhile. Sean is the master shot giver and they never hurt going in, but the effect is cumulative.
I am 6 weeks today and Baby Saucy is the size of a sweet pea and the nose, mouth & ears are taking shape. The little heart is beating, blood is pumping through the tiny body and the lungs and intestines are at the early stages of development. That is a quick development summary from a variety of sources including thebump, babycenter and my pregnancy books.
Symptom checker: The same as they have been for weeks now. I would say my dreams are getting more and more vivid and stranger and stranger. I am ready for a new symptom or two to pop up! I know, I know - be careful what you wish for!
Speaking of dreams, last night I had a vivid dream about my u/s and we saw 3 sac and 3 heartbeats - triplets! Now that would be CRAZY!!! Speaking of, you should swing over to Carrie's blog and read "Could you repeat that?" and wish her well!
Looks like we are going to have a busy movie weekend, busy movie May for that matter. So many good one coming out - Wol.verine, Ghosts of Girl.friends Past, Angels and De.mons, Sta.r Trek...! I can't wait - movie night with Sean is one of my favorite things!
Thank to everyone who has voted on my poll! Keep 'em coming!
We have decided to wait until Tuesday for the u/s. It is more of a "trusting my gut" thing than anything else, but, the fact that if we didn't see a heartbeat, I would be stuck in limbo for an entire week helped me make a decision because I think that would be worse than waiting until Tuesday. I will be anxiously counting down the moments, but it will be here soon enough, I guess.
I have been taking it very easy since Monday, probably unnecessarily so, but I have not had anything pressing going on, so why not? My anxiety level is way down, but I am not quite back to the happy-go-lucky, little ray of sunshine that I was last week either. I will feel 100% better after the u/s.
I am done with PIO and back on Endometrin suppositories and really hoping that going back to supps doesn't stir up the bleeding. We had an insurance lapse while we were waiting for COBRA to kick in and Endometrin was CRAZY expensive and we already had PIO at home. 2ccs of PIO nightly is really tough on the muscles though and my nurse was anxious for me to get back to the supps ASAP. My butt and hips are sore and I suspect they will be for awhile. Sean is the master shot giver and they never hurt going in, but the effect is cumulative.
I am 6 weeks today and Baby Saucy is the size of a sweet pea and the nose, mouth & ears are taking shape. The little heart is beating, blood is pumping through the tiny body and the lungs and intestines are at the early stages of development. That is a quick development summary from a variety of sources including thebump, babycenter and my pregnancy books.
Symptom checker: The same as they have been for weeks now. I would say my dreams are getting more and more vivid and stranger and stranger. I am ready for a new symptom or two to pop up! I know, I know - be careful what you wish for!
Speaking of dreams, last night I had a vivid dream about my u/s and we saw 3 sac and 3 heartbeats - triplets! Now that would be CRAZY!!! Speaking of, you should swing over to Carrie's blog and read "Could you repeat that?" and wish her well!
Looks like we are going to have a busy movie weekend, busy movie May for that matter. So many good one coming out - Wol.verine, Ghosts of Girl.friends Past, Angels and De.mons, Sta.r Trek...! I can't wait - movie night with Sean is one of my favorite things!
Thank to everyone who has voted on my poll! Keep 'em coming!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Update & Thank You!
Well, the bleeding subsided over the course of the evening and by time I went to bed there was only pink spotting when I wiped. I slept through the night and when I woke up, there was nothing in my liner and only a tinge of brown when I when to the bathroom & nothing since. I am still taking it very easy today and Sean is working from home so I can stay on the couch and not worry about taking care of Libby or getting up to get food and such. I am feeling better and more at ease.
Now, I have a dilemma. I called the RE this morning to update them and ask about an early u/s. The nurse spoke to Dr. P and he agreed to move it up to Friday - 6w1d - but warned me that I was on the cusp of being able to see a hb. The earliest they would typically do one is 6w2d. If I go ahead with it & they do not see a hb, they would make me wait another full WEEK before doing a repeat u/s. So, I can take a chance and do it Friday and possibly be even more of a wreck for a week, or I can wait until Tuesday for a definitive answer. I just don't know what to do. Sean really wants to wait it out until Tuesday because he is afraid 6w1d is too early. I would love to hear your feedback and experiences on doing an early u/s.
Finally, a heartfelt thank you to each & every one of you. Your stories, feedback & encouragement means the world to be. Yesterday was a dark and anxiety filled day, but your words were a bright spot. It really helped me keep perspective on the situation. So many of you have gone through the same thing and have had wonderful outcomes. Thank you!
Now, I have a dilemma. I called the RE this morning to update them and ask about an early u/s. The nurse spoke to Dr. P and he agreed to move it up to Friday - 6w1d - but warned me that I was on the cusp of being able to see a hb. The earliest they would typically do one is 6w2d. If I go ahead with it & they do not see a hb, they would make me wait another full WEEK before doing a repeat u/s. So, I can take a chance and do it Friday and possibly be even more of a wreck for a week, or I can wait until Tuesday for a definitive answer. I just don't know what to do. Sean really wants to wait it out until Tuesday because he is afraid 6w1d is too early. I would love to hear your feedback and experiences on doing an early u/s.
Finally, a heartfelt thank you to each & every one of you. Your stories, feedback & encouragement means the world to be. Yesterday was a dark and anxiety filled day, but your words were a bright spot. It really helped me keep perspective on the situation. So many of you have gone through the same thing and have had wonderful outcomes. Thank you!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Scared & anxious
A few minutes after posting my last post, I was having some period like cramping - different than I have been having. A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom and immediately noticed some pink spotting in my panties. When I wiped there was bright red blood with tiny bits of clots. I immediately burst into tears and began rushing around calling my RE, Sean & my mom.
Dr. P called me right back and started off by asking how much blood and cramping. I told him everything and he said that I needed to go on strict bed rest & stay there until bleeding stops. He said to drinks lots of fluid and to call back if the bleeding increases to more than a period and/or if I am in extreme pain. He said it is normal - 2 out of 3 women have some bleeding in the 1st tri- and that it doesn't mean that I am at increased risk. He restated that my blood work looked great this morning & that I should try to calm down. I asked about coming in for an early u/s and he said unless there is a compelling reason, he really wants to avoid irritating the uterus right now, he also wants to avoid unnecessary anxiety.
If and when the bleeding subsides, I may push to move my u/s up to Friday for some peace of mind.
Sean came home right away and I have calmed down a bit. I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and there was no blood on the liner, but when I wiped there was still pink spotting. I would describe it as more than spotting, less than a period, kind of like the 1st day of AF before full flow.
I am a nervous wreck. All my hope and optimism went right out the window as soon as I saw red. I am trying to stay calm, I am trying to remember that this can be normal, but I am scared to death.
Please, oh please hang on little one. Please don't take this little miracle away from us...
Dr. P called me right back and started off by asking how much blood and cramping. I told him everything and he said that I needed to go on strict bed rest & stay there until bleeding stops. He said to drinks lots of fluid and to call back if the bleeding increases to more than a period and/or if I am in extreme pain. He said it is normal - 2 out of 3 women have some bleeding in the 1st tri- and that it doesn't mean that I am at increased risk. He restated that my blood work looked great this morning & that I should try to calm down. I asked about coming in for an early u/s and he said unless there is a compelling reason, he really wants to avoid irritating the uterus right now, he also wants to avoid unnecessary anxiety.
If and when the bleeding subsides, I may push to move my u/s up to Friday for some peace of mind.
Sean came home right away and I have calmed down a bit. I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and there was no blood on the liner, but when I wiped there was still pink spotting. I would describe it as more than spotting, less than a period, kind of like the 1st day of AF before full flow.
I am a nervous wreck. All my hope and optimism went right out the window as soon as I saw red. I am trying to stay calm, I am trying to remember that this can be normal, but I am scared to death.
Please, oh please hang on little one. Please don't take this little miracle away from us...
Monday, April 20, 2009
4w4d - Beta #2
First things first, my 2nd beta was this morning and my levels have really taken off. My beta was 56 on Thursday and since they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, we were expecting a # between the mid100's-mid200's today. I was shocked and elated when my nurse told me my beta was over 600!!!!!!! Woo-hoo! Looks like I'm baking one tough, strong cookie! My nurse said it was a "beautiful and impressive number!" Doubling time of 28.35 hours. My p4 is over 30 which is also quite a jump from Thursday.
Sean & I spent the weekend on Cloud 9. We went to Barn.es and Noble on Friday and I picked up What to Expect and Your Pregnancy Week by Week and perused some pregnancy magazines. Sean even peeped at a baby name book! It melted my heart. You should have seen how proud I was walking through the store with my VERY OWN pregnancy books! I signed up for Baby.center and spent the weekend soaking up pregnancy related info. On Sunday, we went to the mall and even allowed ourselves to walk around PBK. Sean was so cute. He fell in love with the Lullaby Rocker! He has been joking all weekend that he is going to be working an awful lot over the next 8 months to afford all the cute things we Ooohed and Ahhhed over.
He has also been spoiling me rotten. He cleaned the whole first floor, did all the yard work, cooked and ordered to me to the couch & wouldn't let me lift a finger whenever we were home. He is very overprotective right now and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!
My parents are giddy. My stepfather has nicknamed the baby Ralphie and every time I call he says,"Ralphie's Mommy is on the phone!" We crack up every time, but have to remind him that Ralph is not even on our top 10,000.
Despite having a wonderful weekend, I had some major anxiety going into this morning's blood work. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting on my liner last night and this morning when I wiped there was some brown tinged mucous on the t.p. Most of my symptoms have been very mild and even subsided a little since last week. It was kind of a stressful morning - we had a toilet overflow and traffic and weather were terrible so my anxiety was SKY HIGH by time I got to my clinic. My nurse reassured me that the spotting was normal and might even be in part from switching from Endometrin to PIO (the endometrin was uber expensive and I already have 2 vials of PIO, so we switched).
Needless to say, my anxiety quickly switched to elation when I heard about my beta number. What a roller coaster!
Symptom Checker: boobs are much less sore than they were, but I have had a shooting pain in my left one on and off. Last night, I had a sharp, shooting pain/cramp on the left side of my lower belly. I fell asleep on the couch around 9pm which is super early for me, so I guess I was pooped. I am very thirsty and am drinking lots and lots of water. I feel kinda yucky ever since I ate lunch today - sorta like I have a stomachache. Super sharp sense of smell continues - I feel like I smell people's perfume, breath, detergent, shampoo etc...
My clinic doesn't want to see me again until NEXT Monday for another beta and my u/s is in approximately 2 weeks, but it is not on the scheduled yet. I guess I just need to try to relax and enjoy the next week and try not to stress too much about what is going on in there.
Still in awe..still amazing...back on Cloud 9! The Year of Hope has been very good to us so far...
Sean & I spent the weekend on Cloud 9. We went to Barn.es and Noble on Friday and I picked up What to Expect and Your Pregnancy Week by Week and perused some pregnancy magazines. Sean even peeped at a baby name book! It melted my heart. You should have seen how proud I was walking through the store with my VERY OWN pregnancy books! I signed up for Baby.center and spent the weekend soaking up pregnancy related info. On Sunday, we went to the mall and even allowed ourselves to walk around PBK. Sean was so cute. He fell in love with the Lullaby Rocker! He has been joking all weekend that he is going to be working an awful lot over the next 8 months to afford all the cute things we Ooohed and Ahhhed over.
He has also been spoiling me rotten. He cleaned the whole first floor, did all the yard work, cooked and ordered to me to the couch & wouldn't let me lift a finger whenever we were home. He is very overprotective right now and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!
My parents are giddy. My stepfather has nicknamed the baby Ralphie and every time I call he says,"Ralphie's Mommy is on the phone!" We crack up every time, but have to remind him that Ralph is not even on our top 10,000.
Despite having a wonderful weekend, I had some major anxiety going into this morning's blood work. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting on my liner last night and this morning when I wiped there was some brown tinged mucous on the t.p. Most of my symptoms have been very mild and even subsided a little since last week. It was kind of a stressful morning - we had a toilet overflow and traffic and weather were terrible so my anxiety was SKY HIGH by time I got to my clinic. My nurse reassured me that the spotting was normal and might even be in part from switching from Endometrin to PIO (the endometrin was uber expensive and I already have 2 vials of PIO, so we switched).
Needless to say, my anxiety quickly switched to elation when I heard about my beta number. What a roller coaster!
Symptom Checker: boobs are much less sore than they were, but I have had a shooting pain in my left one on and off. Last night, I had a sharp, shooting pain/cramp on the left side of my lower belly. I fell asleep on the couch around 9pm which is super early for me, so I guess I was pooped. I am very thirsty and am drinking lots and lots of water. I feel kinda yucky ever since I ate lunch today - sorta like I have a stomachache. Super sharp sense of smell continues - I feel like I smell people's perfume, breath, detergent, shampoo etc...
My clinic doesn't want to see me again until NEXT Monday for another beta and my u/s is in approximately 2 weeks, but it is not on the scheduled yet. I guess I just need to try to relax and enjoy the next week and try not to stress too much about what is going on in there.
Still in awe..still amazing...back on Cloud 9! The Year of Hope has been very good to us so far...
Monday, March 16, 2009
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
I am supposed to start FET #1 on CD1. The good news? I am spotting and full flow is close. The very bad news? Our tax return has not arrived yet. The problem? We planned on using our return to pay the balance due on our FET & clinic won't let me start Estrace until I am paid in full. Things are tight right now with Sean just starting a new job and the return is the only way we can swing this cycle for time being.
I am trying to hold out hope that the $ will arrive before full flow, but it is not looking good. The state tax website is not showing us in the system yet and says that the average wait time is 4 weeks and we are only two and half weeks in. I am very disappointed.
I am torn between borrowing the money from my mom or just sucking it up and waiting for my April cycle. Waiting another 4 weeks is not the end of the world, but I already lost a month in December when I messed up my BCP, got AF early and could not start mock cycle because I was out of town and it was Christmas Eve. My mom would lend us the money, but she already made some horribly cliche comment about how maybe it was meant to be this way and maybe I should take it as an additional opportunity to continue losing weight. I know she didn't mean to sound insensitive and that she was kind of only echoing what I have been saying about my own weight loss, but jeezey peezy! I am down 16.2lbs and was hoping to be down 20 before transfer and I still think that is possible even if I do begin my FET this week. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.
If we decide to wait, I think we all know how this will go down - $ will arrive 2 days after full flow and then some crazy cash emergency will arise and I will have to use the FET $ for that instead and I will be stuck in waiting-to-cycle-hell! Ugh!
Possibly the ugliest part of it all is that I have had the worst PMS ever. I seriously felt like I was on PIO - sore boobs, super bloated, tired, cravings, the whole nine yards. I am sure you can deduce all the crazy things that have been running through my mind. I know it is the Year of Hope and all, but I was off the deep end; I was teetering on the edge of the Year of Delusions!
For now, I wait & hope that full flow stays at bay and Uncle Sam comes through with a last minute Hail Mary...
I am trying to hold out hope that the $ will arrive before full flow, but it is not looking good. The state tax website is not showing us in the system yet and says that the average wait time is 4 weeks and we are only two and half weeks in. I am very disappointed.
I am torn between borrowing the money from my mom or just sucking it up and waiting for my April cycle. Waiting another 4 weeks is not the end of the world, but I already lost a month in December when I messed up my BCP, got AF early and could not start mock cycle because I was out of town and it was Christmas Eve. My mom would lend us the money, but she already made some horribly cliche comment about how maybe it was meant to be this way and maybe I should take it as an additional opportunity to continue losing weight. I know she didn't mean to sound insensitive and that she was kind of only echoing what I have been saying about my own weight loss, but jeezey peezy! I am down 16.2lbs and was hoping to be down 20 before transfer and I still think that is possible even if I do begin my FET this week. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.
If we decide to wait, I think we all know how this will go down - $ will arrive 2 days after full flow and then some crazy cash emergency will arise and I will have to use the FET $ for that instead and I will be stuck in waiting-to-cycle-hell! Ugh!
Possibly the ugliest part of it all is that I have had the worst PMS ever. I seriously felt like I was on PIO - sore boobs, super bloated, tired, cravings, the whole nine yards. I am sure you can deduce all the crazy things that have been running through my mind. I know it is the Year of Hope and all, but I was off the deep end; I was teetering on the edge of the Year of Delusions!
For now, I wait & hope that full flow stays at bay and Uncle Sam comes through with a last minute Hail Mary...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Paralyzed
So here I sit 11dp3dt, pregnant or not, and I cannot decide if/when I want to know. I have not tested since Thursday.
I have never been so paralyzed in my life.
I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? Aren't I? The best news of our lives? Or another broken heart?
Sean & my mom both say they can't take the pain of seeing me so devastated. Maybe that is adding to my anxiety level?
I feel normal. I feel hopeful. I feel dreadful. I am scared. I am excited. I want to know more than anything. It is the last news I want to hear. I am anxious. I am obsessed.
Can I make it 3 and a half more days? Should I put myself out of my misery today?
It could all be over, for better or worse inside an hour... Don't know if I can do it.
Are you ever ready for the news that changes your life?
I have never been so paralyzed in my life.
I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? Aren't I? The best news of our lives? Or another broken heart?
Sean & my mom both say they can't take the pain of seeing me so devastated. Maybe that is adding to my anxiety level?
I feel normal. I feel hopeful. I feel dreadful. I am scared. I am excited. I want to know more than anything. It is the last news I want to hear. I am anxious. I am obsessed.
Can I make it 3 and a half more days? Should I put myself out of my misery today?
It could all be over, for better or worse inside an hour... Don't know if I can do it.
Are you ever ready for the news that changes your life?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A New Day
It is the morning of transfer and I am feeling much better. I needed to work through my emotions, anxiety and disappointment yesterday, but today I am ready, I am hopeful and I am exuding peace and trust.
All of your kind words and understanding helped me get over the worst of it. I did my IVF meditation and it helped me let go of the negativity as well. Dr. M called me at home to see how I was doing. He told me that there has been a lot of good things about this cycle and asked me to trust and have faith at this point. He said I have age on my side and hopefully a good embryo or 2 to work with...
I am usually one of the most positive people you will ever meet and I hate being in the dark place I was yesterday.
Transfer is at 3:15! For now, I am off to Barnes to pick up Breaking Dawn and B.lockbuster to pick up movies for bed rest. I will meditate one more time and Sean & I will get on the road. I am ready to being my embies home! Dr. M mentioned that if there are 2 good ones, he will be a big advocate of only tx those 2, Sean is pushing for 3. We'll see when we get there and take everything into consideration before we decide.
Thank you again for all the positive, supportive, hopeful words.
"Anxiety is space between 'now' and 'then'." ~ Richard Abell.
All of your kind words and understanding helped me get over the worst of it. I did my IVF meditation and it helped me let go of the negativity as well. Dr. M called me at home to see how I was doing. He told me that there has been a lot of good things about this cycle and asked me to trust and have faith at this point. He said I have age on my side and hopefully a good embryo or 2 to work with...
I am usually one of the most positive people you will ever meet and I hate being in the dark place I was yesterday.
Transfer is at 3:15! For now, I am off to Barnes to pick up Breaking Dawn and B.lockbuster to pick up movies for bed rest. I will meditate one more time and Sean & I will get on the road. I am ready to being my embies home! Dr. M mentioned that if there are 2 good ones, he will be a big advocate of only tx those 2, Sean is pushing for 3. We'll see when we get there and take everything into consideration before we decide.
Thank you again for all the positive, supportive, hopeful words.
"Anxiety is space between 'now' and 'then'." ~ Richard Abell.
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