'Twas the night before u/s...

and Emily's anxiety level is sky high! I can't believe how volatile my emotional state is right now. One minute I am sitting here in my bella band, reading my pregnancy books, browsing baby sites feeling 100% like a normal, naive, confident pregnant woman. The next minute, I am freaking out, questioning my symptoms, thinking about the bleeding episode and doubting that we will hear good news tomorrow. This sucks!

I asked Amanda if she felt this way when she was pregnant and she said no. She just assumed everything was fine and going according to plan. She commented about how much she thinks infertility has stolen from me and how it doesn't end when you are finally pregnant and she is 100% right. I think I am pretty calm and "normal" about this pregnancy and then I get close to a blood draw or have some spotting or get ready for my u/s and I am a mess! This is not what normal women go through! In some ways, I guess women who suffer with IF just know too much. We have seen too much heartbreak to relax and go with the flow.

I said from day 1 that I was going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. I said I knew there were things that were out of my control and that I couldn't obsess over them. I am trying hard to keep my word and most of the time, I do a decent job of that, but there are moments...

In my gut, my instinct tells me everything will be just fine tomorrow, so where does this doubt come from? Why do I let it get to me? Do I have 7 more months of this to look forward to?

I did have a tinge of brown spotting last night for a few hours and that ramped the anxiety level way up again. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!

I broke down and bought a bella band this weekend, rather a belly sleeve from Motherhood, and I am in HEAVEN! The bloat has been unreal and even though I haven't gained any weight since transfer, my pants are all way too tight in the belly. I plan to order the "real thing" online this week. What a wonderful invention.

While we were in Motherhood, I decided to ask about a new bra. Some of you may remember that I broke my bra just before beta? Well, I am so glad I decided to ask the girl for some help. She measured me and I have already grown more than a cup size!!! I am usually a C cup and she measured me between a D & an E (their version of DD). I tried them both and the D fit perfectly, but she said there should be a little room to grow so I went with the E. Sean got a kick out of this :) Between the new bra and the bella band, I am so much more comfortable! Oh, and their bras are REALLY affordable which is a nice change of pace for me.

We had a great weekend. We went to 2 movies and lots of going out for dinner and relaxing. Sean cleaned the entire house while I was at work on Sunday. Yes, ladies, he even scrubbed the toilets and the showers! I am in heaven. Last night he got a refresher on how to do laundry because once I started spotting he wouldn't let me run downstairs. I am such a lucky girl!

Symptom Checker - all the same symptoms. The bloat is really, really bad right now!

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. If you have some good thoughts, good vibes and/or extra prayers to send our way, it would be much appreciated. I will update when I can...

P.S. - I voted "2" because Sean & I have each on separate occasions, years apart, by 2 different psychics, been told we would have twins...

100th Post!

Amazed. Joyful. Grateful. In awe. Happy. Smiling. Hopeful. Pregnant...

I have not felt this way in so very long. I cannot stop smiling, I cannot believe this is my life. There were days I thought this might never happen, that I might never feel such sheer joy ever again. I never want this feeling to end.

I know it is early, I know anything can still happen, but I am committed to enjoying each & every day of this pregnancy. There are things that are beyond my control, but I can't obsess over them. This is further than I have ever been before and for today, that is enough.

This is my 100th post & so much has happened in the last year and a half. There were some dark and bitter moments along the way & some glimmers of hope too.

It is amazing how much your life can change in just one week with just one phone call...

I can't even comprehend how much I already love this little baby growing inside of me. Can you believe that at just 4 weeks and 6 days, just 20 short little days of life, there is another heart beating inside of my own? It astounds me every time I think about it. I love that my baby's heart began beating today - the day of my 100th post - such a milestone on this long and painful journey.

When I began blogging I never imagined how much lay ahead of me - how many stories would move me to joyful tears or heartbreaking sobs, how many women would inspire me and root for me, how I would care so deeply for so many families I have never even met, how many friends I would make a long the way, or how much pain & heart break was would come with every failed cycle and mostly, I never could have imagined how much joy was awaiting me on this journey.

I am humbled by this miracle growing inside of me. I hope and pray everyday that this baby is a fighter, that he or she will grow big & strong, that my body gives this baby what it needs to thrive, that this will finally be our happy ending...

I feel like a new person & I like this woman very much!