'Twas the night before u/s...

and Emily's anxiety level is sky high! I can't believe how volatile my emotional state is right now. One minute I am sitting here in my bella band, reading my pregnancy books, browsing baby sites feeling 100% like a normal, naive, confident pregnant woman. The next minute, I am freaking out, questioning my symptoms, thinking about the bleeding episode and doubting that we will hear good news tomorrow. This sucks!

I asked Amanda if she felt this way when she was pregnant and she said no. She just assumed everything was fine and going according to plan. She commented about how much she thinks infertility has stolen from me and how it doesn't end when you are finally pregnant and she is 100% right. I think I am pretty calm and "normal" about this pregnancy and then I get close to a blood draw or have some spotting or get ready for my u/s and I am a mess! This is not what normal women go through! In some ways, I guess women who suffer with IF just know too much. We have seen too much heartbreak to relax and go with the flow.

I said from day 1 that I was going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. I said I knew there were things that were out of my control and that I couldn't obsess over them. I am trying hard to keep my word and most of the time, I do a decent job of that, but there are moments...

In my gut, my instinct tells me everything will be just fine tomorrow, so where does this doubt come from? Why do I let it get to me? Do I have 7 more months of this to look forward to?

I did have a tinge of brown spotting last night for a few hours and that ramped the anxiety level way up again. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!

I broke down and bought a bella band this weekend, rather a belly sleeve from Motherhood, and I am in HEAVEN! The bloat has been unreal and even though I haven't gained any weight since transfer, my pants are all way too tight in the belly. I plan to order the "real thing" online this week. What a wonderful invention.

While we were in Motherhood, I decided to ask about a new bra. Some of you may remember that I broke my bra just before beta? Well, I am so glad I decided to ask the girl for some help. She measured me and I have already grown more than a cup size!!! I am usually a C cup and she measured me between a D & an E (their version of DD). I tried them both and the D fit perfectly, but she said there should be a little room to grow so I went with the E. Sean got a kick out of this :) Between the new bra and the bella band, I am so much more comfortable! Oh, and their bras are REALLY affordable which is a nice change of pace for me.

We had a great weekend. We went to 2 movies and lots of going out for dinner and relaxing. Sean cleaned the entire house while I was at work on Sunday. Yes, ladies, he even scrubbed the toilets and the showers! I am in heaven. Last night he got a refresher on how to do laundry because once I started spotting he wouldn't let me run downstairs. I am such a lucky girl!

Symptom Checker - all the same symptoms. The bloat is really, really bad right now!

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. If you have some good thoughts, good vibes and/or extra prayers to send our way, it would be much appreciated. I will update when I can...

P.S. - I voted "2" because Sean & I have each on separate occasions, years apart, by 2 different psychics, been told we would have twins...

Beta #3

Beta #3 = 5006. It has been 1 week since #2. The nurse said it is looking good, P4 was "fine" and to schedule my 1st u/s anytime in the next 5-8 days.

I hate to admit it, but I was a little bummed by how much my doubling time has slowed down. I know it is completely normal and I still fall into the average range on betabase.info, but man 28.2 hours sounds so much better than 54.8! The average doubling time for this 5w4d is 50 hours, so I am damn close, but hey, I am a greedy IF bitch! ;)

My nurse transferred me to the front desk to schedule my u/s and, of course, day 5 falls on Saturday as does day 6 & the docs do not not do pregnancy u/s on the weekends. Ok, day 7 then, I'll take the 1st appt! Nope, sorry! You see, my RE will not be in the office on Monday and they apparently get a little snarky about your primary RE doing your 1st u/s, so I have to wait until Tuesday, May 5th! YIKES! How can I survive another 8 days without knowing what is going on in my uterus??? This is sheer torture!

Per reader request, I am adding a poll to the sidebar to get your input on how many I have cooking in there. If you care to know what betabase says, my betas are right smack dab in the middle of singleton levels, but within the average range for twins. My 28.2 hour doubling time was trending more towards twins, but now could fall into either category. According to babymed.com my levels trend high for a singleton. So there you have it - a bunch of meaningless info!

Symptom checker - 5w4d: boobs still sore & heavy, sense of smell still strong, still hungry, a little more tired than usual, still have an achy sensation in the uterus. My newest addition - applesauce is now officially disgusting to me and gum is pretty gross too. I wouldn't mind adding another symptom or 2 just for good measure :)

In other news, we had a pretty quiet weekend. Gorgeous weather here in the Mid Atlantic - almost too hot! Sean is a little freaked about Swine Flu and used this as a reason to update the emergency kit - complete with surgical masks. It figures that it takes me almost 5 years to get PG and it happens to be in the middle of a possible pandemic - oh joy! Sean watched the NFL draft for almost 2 straight days until I was on the verge of breaking the TV, thank goodness I spent time with friends on Saturday and missed the worst of it. I love me some football as much as the next girl, but I am so over the draft. We grilled out for the 1st time last night - a big juicy rib eye to share, grilled organic veggies and corn on the cob - it was HEAVEN!

Countdown to ultrasound - 8 days!

4w4d - Beta #2

First things first, my 2nd beta was this morning and my levels have really taken off. My beta was 56 on Thursday and since they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, we were expecting a # between the mid100's-mid200's today. I was shocked and elated when my nurse told me my beta was over 600!!!!!!! Woo-hoo! Looks like I'm baking one tough, strong cookie! My nurse said it was a "beautiful and impressive number!" Doubling time of 28.35 hours. My p4 is over 30 which is also quite a jump from Thursday.

Sean & I spent the weekend on Cloud 9. We went to Barn.es and Noble on Friday and I picked up What to Expect and Your Pregnancy Week by Week and perused some pregnancy magazines. Sean even peeped at a baby name book! It melted my heart. You should have seen how proud I was walking through the store with my VERY OWN pregnancy books! I signed up for Baby.center and spent the weekend soaking up pregnancy related info. On Sunday, we went to the mall and even allowed ourselves to walk around PBK. Sean was so cute. He fell in love with the Lullaby Rocker! He has been joking all weekend that he is going to be working an awful lot over the next 8 months to afford all the cute things we Ooohed and Ahhhed over.

He has also been spoiling me rotten. He cleaned the whole first floor, did all the yard work, cooked and ordered to me to the couch & wouldn't let me lift a finger whenever we were home. He is very overprotective right now and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!

My parents are giddy. My stepfather has nicknamed the baby Ralphie and every time I call he says,"Ralphie's Mommy is on the phone!" We crack up every time, but have to remind him that Ralph is not even on our top 10,000.

Despite having a wonderful weekend, I had some major anxiety going into this morning's blood work. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting on my liner last night and this morning when I wiped there was some brown tinged mucous on the t.p. Most of my symptoms have been very mild and even subsided a little since last week. It was kind of a stressful morning - we had a toilet overflow and traffic and weather were terrible so my anxiety was SKY HIGH by time I got to my clinic. My nurse reassured me that the spotting was normal and might even be in part from switching from Endometrin to PIO (the endometrin was uber expensive and I already have 2 vials of PIO, so we switched).

Needless to say, my anxiety quickly switched to elation when I heard about my beta number. What a roller coaster!

Symptom Checker: boobs are much less sore than they were, but I have had a shooting pain in my left one on and off. Last night, I had a sharp, shooting pain/cramp on the left side of my lower belly. I fell asleep on the couch around 9pm which is super early for me, so I guess I was pooped. I am very thirsty and am drinking lots and lots of water. I feel kinda yucky ever since I ate lunch today - sorta like I have a stomachache. Super sharp sense of smell continues - I feel like I smell people's perfume, breath, detergent, shampoo etc...

My clinic doesn't want to see me again until NEXT Monday for another beta and my u/s is in approximately 2 weeks, but it is not on the scheduled yet. I guess I just need to try to relax and enjoy the next week and try not to stress too much about what is going on in there.

Still in awe..still amazing...back on Cloud 9! The Year of Hope has been very good to us so far...

4 weeks & Tales from Beta Day!

First, thank you all so much for your incredible words of support and congratulations! Sean & I were all teary eyed reading all the comments last night. You are the most amazing group of women I have ever had the pleasure to know. To hear that my story has given you hope is unbelievable to me! I know that feeling so well, I remember the stories that gave me hope and still give me hope each day.

Second, I can hardly even believe I am typing this, but I am 4 weeks pregnant and according to Babycenter, our little one is the size of a poppy seed. The baby (babies?) is also working on a primitive placenta & an amniotic sac. INCREDIBLE!!! My due date is Christmas Eve! Sean & I met at Christmas and were engaged at Christmas, so it is a very appropriate time for our miracle to arrive!

Third, I promised you all the beta day details, so here we go!

Sean & I woke up at 6:15 on Thursday, got ready and headed out for the clinic a little after 7am. I was still feeling calm and dare I say, perhaps even a little bit confident. My nurse was thrilled to hear that I had not tested and drew my blood a little after 8am. She instructed me to call between 1-2pm for results.

Sean & I made a plan: I was to drop him at the office, spend the morning with Amanda , pick up Sean up at the office around 12pm, grab lunch, drive home & call the clinic together after 1pm.

Great plan, right? Well, the universe had other plans...

I arrived at Amanda's after 9am and we had a yummy Pan.era breakfast and decided to head to Tar.get. We were chatting & getting ready to leave when my cell rang.

Me: (panicked) IT'S THE CLINIC!!!

Amanda: (excited) Are you going to answer it?

Me: (shrieking) NO!!!

Split second decision, answer the phone.

Me: (scared to death) Hello?

Nurse: Emily? You know how you said you weren't really feeling too much?

Me: (hesitantly) Yes...

Nurse: Well, you better get ready because you are going to be feeling a lot pretty soon. (long pause)

Me: (more shrieking, lots of disbelief) AM I PREGNANT?????

Nurse: YES!!! Congratulations.

Me & Amanda: Commence screaming and hysterics and of course, crying!

The nurse & I exchanged more details such as beta #, which I thought was 54, but learned today was 56, next beta which is Monday, lots more congratulations and disbelief.

Amanda was shooting photos the whole time and as soon as I hung up, we hugged and screamed and cried some more. I was stunned and completely caught off guard by the early phone call.

I decided to call my mom and more crying and hysterics ensued. She was OVER THE MOON to hear she was going to be a Grandmother.

I felt a little guilty that Sean hadn't been there for the big news, but immediately began formulating a new plan to surprise him.

I told Amanda I wanted to go to Tar.get for a bib or onesie and some balloons. She loved it! We rushed out the door and the plan was in action.

In the mean time, Sean calls my cell phone because he is trying to book a week at the beach for June and needs my input. I am dying inside, bursting to tell him, but I stay calm, cool and collected the whole time on the phone. The secret is safe!

Found this bib & onesie @ Tar.get, it says, "Daddy's Little Sunshine" and balloons at Par.ty City. I picked a congrats balloon and a Happy Bday balloon since transfer was on Sean's birthday and we had talked about how a BFP would be the greatest gift ever.

We arrived at the office pretty close to 12pm, so Sean wasn't entirely shocked to see me walk in the door. He was perplexed by Amanda and Nolan and of course, the gift bag and "Happy Birthday & Congratulations" balloons. He was like, "What's this?" I said, "Happy Birthday! Open it!"

He pulls out the onsie and bib and is extremely confused and asks, "What does this mean?"

I reply, "WE ARE PREGNANT!" He says with trepidation, "How do you know that?" I explain and he jumps up, hugs me so tight and gets very emotional. Much more excitement and congratulations ensued from all Sean's coworkers. It was an AMAZING moment. Amanda videotaped the entire thing and I am so thankful she was able to document it, especially since our families are long distance.

I thought that infertility and IVF had taken a lot of the surprise factor out of the BFP announcement, but was I ever wrong! Yesterday was one of the best and most emotional days of my life. It was very cool being surprised by the nurse and the icing on the cake to be able to surprise Sean like that. I have not stopped smiling.

We all left the office and began calling family as soon as we got into the car. Everyone was very excited and emotional. We felt like screaming it from the rooftops and between the phone, the blog and face.book, we pretty much have!

We had a celebratory lunch and then hit up Tar.get again for the all important DIGITAL!!! I promptly peed on it upon arriving home and "PREGNANT" popped up in less than 30 seconds. Another amazing moment!

We spent the rest of the afternoon in awe and total disbelief. I kept saying to Sean, "Can you even believe it???" and he would just shake his head. Every time I heard him tell someone he was going to be a Dad, I got teared up all over again.

Even though our families could not be there, I know they will love seeing Amanda's video. It was such a departure from the original plan, but it could not have worked out any better!

In retrospect, I think I knew I was pregnant. As beta got closer, I felt more calm and confident. I think I was just afraid to admit it to myself, although by that morning I told Sean I thought it was about an 80% chance of a BFP. Both my mom and Sean's mom said they had a good feeling and Christi said she knew when I started posting my symptom checker.

Speaking of, here is the latest installment!

Symptom checker: Getting very crampy! All day yesterday and today I am feeling cramps and pulling and activity. My boobs are HUGE and sore. They are also very, very veiny. Sean is in awe of the boobs and said that the boob fairy has paid me a visit :) I am also hungry every 2 hours or so. My sense of smell is heightened & am having very detailed, vivid dreams.

I am having my beta rechecked on Monday, u/s in aprox 2 weeks and I have my first ob appointment on May 15th , which continues the birthday theme - it's my stepdad's bday!

I can't tell you how excited we both are. I can't wait until Sean gets home so we can go to Barn.es & Nobl.e! I plan to enjoy every moment as it comes and not worry about all the things I cannot control. I hope and pray that our miracle is growing healthy, big & strong...

Thank you for reading, commenting and cheering me on! I cannot wait to share this phase of my journey!

6dp6dt - Anxiety

No major freak out yet, but my anxiety level is definitely on the high end of the spectrum. I know that I could test and get a trustworthy result, but I don't think I am ready to know yet. I would want to use FMU & that window of opportunity has passed for today & tomorrow morning I have tutoring first thing in the am, so that it not at all ideal. So, that leaves Thursday which is Beta Day anyway... I am thinking I am just going to wait it out - change it up!

Two things have happened that have left me feeling a little doubtful. First, my boobs do not hurt AT ALL today. Now, I know I have said myself that there is no rhyme or reason to the soreness that results from the endometrin & that it varies day to day, hour to hour, but it is almost nonexistent right now. In my past 3 cycles, once my boobs stopped hurting, my period was only a day or two away. It was my sign that my IVF BFN was inevitable. In the past though, my wait until beta was closer to 3 weeks long and AF was already due/overdue, whereas right now she is still anywhere from 5-7 days away. But still, to me no sore boobs = no baby.

Second, I had a sex dream last night. It sounds silly, but in at least 2 of the 3 IVFs, I had a sex dream late in the 2ww and sure enough, my period was here within days.

Put these things together and I feel like they are harbingers of doom. I feel like the boobs settling down and the dreams are indicative of subtle shifts in my body's hormones as I near the end of the LP.

I am probably reading way too much into things, but this close to beta, the doubt and anxiety and emotional roller coaster are inevitable.

I wish I had a concrete symptom, but really is there such a thing?

The truth is, I feel remarkably the same as I did with my 3 failed IVFs - mostly normal with a few progesterone & estrogen based side effects thrown into the mix. I have heard women say they "just knew" something was different on their BFP cycle, or the symptoms were subtly different enough that they had a clue that this might be it. I can't say I feel that way. I am still hopeful, still optimistic, still positive, but I wish I knew for sure, or had a strong sense about it one way or another. I will say I was pretty sure IVF #3 did not work and I was right about that and I do not have that feeling either.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is maddening! Such a mind fuck! My wait is so short this time compared to my near 3 week HCG booster shot induced waits of the past, but I am realizing that regardless of how long or short your wait is, anxiety level is directly correlated to how close you are to beta. Man, am I close...

2 days until Beta!

Can I please be sedated now???

5dp6dt

The weekend is over, the house guests are gone and my distractions have dried up. All in all, I am hanging in there. Feeling hopeful and positive. Not really obsessing too much. Not feeling the compulsive need to POAS and am leaning towards not doing it at all. No 2ww breakdowns - yet.

We had a really nice weekend with Sean's brother and family. We went out for crabs, went to a museum, out to one of our fave spots for Greek food, watched movies, laughed, talked family stuff, cooked & relaxed. Easter brunch at our house was lovely and it was a nice, relaxing day with family & friends. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter & holiday weekend.

This week is a regular week of tutoring for me & having a schedule & a routine is a good thing :)

Symptom checker: Yesterday I felt pretty normal all day long. Bad taste wasn't as noticeable. Boobs were a little sorer than normal and veiny at night. I had night sweats and woke up to pee twice. When I went back to bed after my 2nd potty trip, I had a very sharp and unusual pain on my left side.

Today: feeling lots of twinges & twangs in the uterus, especially on the left, but I can't say with certainty that it is any different than any other IVF cycle. Hungry! Boobs feel less sore today, but are large and I even broke my bra :) Popped the under wire right through! Tired, but we have been pretty busy since Friday. I have also been more than "regular" - I swear I'm like a puppy - feed me and 20 minutes later, potty break! TMI - sorry ;)

I feel like the signs from the universe continue smacking me in the face every time I turn around. The 10 yr old I tutor is reading a story about a mom having twins, the 17 year old just started the human reproduction unit - complete with pics of embryos, blasts, and fetuses- and the 13 year old just got the word "baby" for her 4th quarter project. The modern art museum went to had lots of fertility/mother related pieces. Realistically, I am probably just wayyyy more in tune to it than usual, but I like it all the same.

Overall, I feel hopeful and optimistic. I have managed to keep the doubt from creeping in too much. I am ready for it to be Thursday!

Hold on little ones...hold on.

3 days until Beta!!!

3dp6dt

Sign from the universe: Alarm goes off at 6am for Sean's tee time and the very first notes of Jack & Dianne were playing. We giggled and listened & imagined the possibilities.

Symptom checker: All is quiet on the uterine front. CANNOT get rid of horrible taste in mouth - metallic & yucky! Boobs possibly slightly more heavy feeling today, but I find the Endometrin leaves them feeling a little different on a day to day basis.

Plan for the day: Visit a museum, prep some stuff for brunch, spend time with the fam, quietly obsess & wonder...

Countdown to Beta: 5 days!

2dp6dt

Officially ended bed rest around dinner time last night. Decided to head to the grocery store with Sean after all. He is good, but not that good :) I would trust him with a basic list, but it was all my Easter brunch ingredients, so I thought I would spare us both the torture & just go with him. No worries, I didn't do any lifting and took it very slowly. It felt good to be up off the couch and getting the blood flowing and energy moving.

I worked for a few hours this morning & did a couple of last minute things around the house before company arrives. Sean's brother, his wife & our teenage nephew should be here within the hour. Looking forward to hanging out, eating good food, playing lots of board games and laughing! Going out for crabs tonight - YUM!

Symptom checker: still feeling some pulling on right hand side & some tiny twinges all around. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy last night. Had vivid and strange dreams. Bad taste in my mouth all morning, but that could be the steroids - they taste nasty & powdery - blech! Overall, I feel 100% normal and probably would never notice any of this except for the over analysis that is happening 24/7.

Relaxing for a bit before the weekend is in full swing! Happy Easter everyone ~ have a lovely weekend!

6 days until beta!