6dp6dt - Anxiety

No major freak out yet, but my anxiety level is definitely on the high end of the spectrum. I know that I could test and get a trustworthy result, but I don't think I am ready to know yet. I would want to use FMU & that window of opportunity has passed for today & tomorrow morning I have tutoring first thing in the am, so that it not at all ideal. So, that leaves Thursday which is Beta Day anyway... I am thinking I am just going to wait it out - change it up!

Two things have happened that have left me feeling a little doubtful. First, my boobs do not hurt AT ALL today. Now, I know I have said myself that there is no rhyme or reason to the soreness that results from the endometrin & that it varies day to day, hour to hour, but it is almost nonexistent right now. In my past 3 cycles, once my boobs stopped hurting, my period was only a day or two away. It was my sign that my IVF BFN was inevitable. In the past though, my wait until beta was closer to 3 weeks long and AF was already due/overdue, whereas right now she is still anywhere from 5-7 days away. But still, to me no sore boobs = no baby.

Second, I had a sex dream last night. It sounds silly, but in at least 2 of the 3 IVFs, I had a sex dream late in the 2ww and sure enough, my period was here within days.

Put these things together and I feel like they are harbingers of doom. I feel like the boobs settling down and the dreams are indicative of subtle shifts in my body's hormones as I near the end of the LP.

I am probably reading way too much into things, but this close to beta, the doubt and anxiety and emotional roller coaster are inevitable.

I wish I had a concrete symptom, but really is there such a thing?

The truth is, I feel remarkably the same as I did with my 3 failed IVFs - mostly normal with a few progesterone & estrogen based side effects thrown into the mix. I have heard women say they "just knew" something was different on their BFP cycle, or the symptoms were subtly different enough that they had a clue that this might be it. I can't say I feel that way. I am still hopeful, still optimistic, still positive, but I wish I knew for sure, or had a strong sense about it one way or another. I will say I was pretty sure IVF #3 did not work and I was right about that and I do not have that feeling either.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is maddening! Such a mind fuck! My wait is so short this time compared to my near 3 week HCG booster shot induced waits of the past, but I am realizing that regardless of how long or short your wait is, anxiety level is directly correlated to how close you are to beta. Man, am I close...

2 days until Beta!

Can I please be sedated now???

You'll Be Blessed...

The next few days are do or die for my little chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, Theodore, of course!) and I have been thinking a lot about that. In some ways in seems inconceivable to me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. I have been dreaming about pregnancy and children for so long, for so many years and here I am on the eve of a possible pregnancy and I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time I cannot imagine it not being so.

The last few days whenever I look at Sean, I can't help but imagine what our children will look like. Perfect infants with red hair, porcelain skin, huge blue eyes. It takes my breath away and brings a tear to my eye. Then, the tiny voice of doubt in the back of my head whispers, "Don't dare to dream it!" That voice breaks my heart & paralyzes me with 'what ifs.'

What if I am never pregnant? What if IVF fails us? What if we are never parents? What if I cannot give my husband a child to carry on his name, his legacy? What if I cannot give my mother a grandchild? What if I never hold my infant in my arms and whisper in her ear? What if I never look in my child's eyes to see his Daddy's baby blues or his Momma's soft green looking back at me?

I have so many hopes and dreams for these children of my heart. They will have blue eyes, or maybe green. They will have red hair. They will be fair and prone to sunburn like their Daddy. They will have fine, thin hair like their Momma. We will take family vacations to the beach, to Disney, to California. We will visit family in Buffalo. They will love to read. The boys will play hockey. The girls, well they're just a little uncoordinated like me. They will be smart and love school and bubble over with excitement on the first day. There will be Halloween Parties, Birthday Parties, Skating Parties and Slumber Parties. There will be dress-up and singing and tea parties. There will be football games on our lawn and floor hockey in the basement or garage. There will be laughter and love and some tears too. There will be practices and lessons and games and school plays and talent shows. There will be skinned knees and maybe a broken bone. They will fight with each other, but be each other's best friends too. There will be amusement parks and ice cream and popcorn. There will be pizza and movie nights. There will be crayons, finger paint and sticky fingers. There will be lunches to pack and homework to do and plenty of whining to go around. There will be kid's artwork on my walls and family pictures on every table. There will be stomach flus a'plenty, chicken pox, runny noses, sore throats and fevers. There will snuggling and jumping on the bed. There will be Christmas mornings, Easter Egg hunts and Trick or Treating. There will be toys and sporting equipment and backpacks and books strewn about my once tidy house. My laundry basket will run over with tiny socks and onesies. The house will never be quiet again and Mommy & Daddy will be my two most favorite words in the English language...

Please, oh please stay with me little ones. I cannot envision any other future for Sean & I. You are already loved so very much. You are our hopes and our dreams and our hearts...

Blessed by Elton John

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream-
Your eyes might be green,
Or the bluest that I've ever seen...

Anyway, you'll be blessed
And you, you'll be blessed,
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that,
promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed