So much to say

I know, I know, I disappeared again and for a long time. I am so sorry! On an almost daily basis I think about something to blog about, but I never actually sit down to write. I want to, I really do!

We have been pretty busy this summer - weddings, parties, cookouts, traveling to Buffalo etc... We spent the holiday weekend in Buffalo celebrating our Goddaughters' birthday parties and attending a family reunion on my Dad's side. It was a great trip and a wonderful reminder of how much love and support is awaiting this baby. We received some adorable baby gifts. My mom bought some super cute sleepers and onesies and my aunt from Ireland knitted a beautiful blanket and hat. It was exciting to get our first gifts!!! My mom also won one of those small, Fl.ip video cameras at a golf tournament and she gave it to Sean as a Father's Day gift. It is so cool! It is an HD video camera that is the size of a digital camera. Perfect for posting cute videos of the baby! All in all, it was a wonderful weekend and reinforced to us that Buffalo is where we want to raise our family.

Our plan is still to move back home and we are thinking it might be a possibility in about a year or so, but it really depends on Sean's new job and whether or not they can work out way from him to telecommute. Now that my mom is awaiting the birth of her first (and possibly only) grandchild she is anxious for us to come home, or else she said she might have to move here! That would be incredible, but we ultimately want to be back in Buffalo with our entire family.

Speaking of the grandparents, my mom, step dad and Sean's parents have booked their flights to come down for Ralphie's birth!!! Even though it is still months down the line, my Christmas Eve due date really complicates travel arrangements. Sou.thwest had $49 flights and they book really fast due to the holiday, so when they saw available, cheap flights they booked them. They are all going to arrive on 12/23 - one day before my EDD. My in laws are planning to stay one week and my parents are staying two. There is really no way to predict if the baby will come early, late or right on time. We figured at least, they have their tickets and if I go early, they can always exchange them. If I go late, they are already here to celebrate the holiday and if I am right on time - even better! Driving really wasn't an option because Sean's mom hates traveling by car (the women has panic attacks in the car for 20mins, let alone 7 hours) and the weather in December is too unpredictable going through those mountains in PA. I wasn't crazy about my mom driving like a maniac trying to make it in time & running the risk of missing the birth all together if I went fast, they hit bad weather etc... I feel better knowing they have a plan!

In other baby news, Sean & I have started really thinking about our major baby purchases. We spent all day Saturday at Great Beginnings (rated as one of the best baby stores in the country by B.aby Bargains) near DC and it was so much fun. Overwhelming, but fun. The place is HUGE! The furniture showroom was incredible - they must have had 75 nursery sets on the floor. Every name brand and some hard to find ones too. We have narrowed our furniture choices down to two and hope to order in the next two weeks. The salespeople were incredible. They were truly experts in their field. Looking at car seats and strollers was like shopping for a new car - the salespeople were that knowledgeable about the products. Getting close to making a decision there to - I am thinking stroller frame and either the Gra.co Snugride or Chi.cco Keyfit. After seeing the installation demo in store, I am leaning more towards the keyfit at this point. Gender neutral bedding is proving to be difficult and I have a possibility in mind, but want to go look at fabric as well. We are going to register right after our big u/s in a few weeks!

My family has booked my shower for October 25th and it feels like that is going to be here before we know it! I feel like time is flying by now that I am in the 2nd tri and there is so much to do to get ready for this little one's arrival. I can't wait to start pulling it all together!

I am officially 16w4d pregnant and here is a recent rundown.

How am I feeling? Still vomiting. It is less frequent - only once a week or so now, but I wish it would stop for good. I feel like I have more energy, but can still sleep like a champ. I am finally off progesterone and estr.ace and am having massive mood swings. I am not sure if it has anything to do with being off the meds, or if it is just pregnancy, but it has hit me hard. I have been pretty even keeled up until the past few days and now my hormones are all over the place. Mad, sad, angry, happy, giddy...all in the span of a few minutes. Poor Sean!

How do I look? Pregnant. Perhaps I will post a belly pic in coming weeks. My family was surprised how much my belly had changed since Memorial day weekend. I don't feel like my body is changing anywhere else - just a round belly and bigger boobs.

Milestones? I *think* I may have felt movement a few days ago, but I cannot be sure. I was sound asleep and had been laying on my right side for about 6 hours straight. I was just stirring because I had to pee and roll over. As a rolled over to my left side, it felt like something did a huge somersault in my belly. My eyes flew wide open and my hand went right to my belly. I have never felt anything like it, but I haven't felt it since either, so I am really not sure. I am anxious to feel movement more frequently though!

What is Ralphie up to? Growing so big and strong! He or she is the size of an avocado - far cry from my little poppy seed - and weighs almost 4oz. He or she is urinating, has taste buds, is hiccuping, may be sucking its thumb and moving like crazy.

What am I craving? Potbelly Italian Sandwiches - YUM! Subway Veggie Subs.

Aversions? Chicken

What do I miss? Wine. A perfectly chilled glass of white wine on a hot summer's night. A rich pinot noir with a steak fresh off the grill.

What am I looking forward to? More movement, registering, ordering the furniture, and starting the nursery.

Weight gain? Officially, just 1lb. That is according to my OBs scale, but I did not have my first appt with them until 8w and between 4-8w I gained 3-4 lbs. So, unofficially, I am up closer to 5lbs, both me and my OB are fine with it.

What am I reading? What to Expect..., Your Preg. Week by Week, Bab.y Bargains, and Ina May's Guide to Chi.ldbirth.

Speaking of Ina May's book, although I like my OB practice, I am planning on touring a birthing center in the next few weeks. I have always wanted to experience natural childbirth and based on a few of the docs comments, I am not sure how supportive they would be. Additionally, Sean is concerned about how far my OB and the hospital is - almost in hour in no traffic and good weather. The birthing center and the hospital they are affiliated with are only 15 minutes away. I am planning a more detailed post on this topic in the future.

I think that wraps things up - sorry so long, this what happens when it has been 3 weeks since I last updated! Oh! One last thing, please stop by Meinsideout's blog and wish her HUGE congratulations! She is one of the biggest cheerleaders in the blogosphere and she has good news to share. She could also use thoughts, prayers and good vibes that this is her sticky miracle.

Adventures in Pregnancy

Helllloooooo 2nd trimester! How very exciting to be here! I feel like we have checked a huge milestone off the list. I wish I could say I was feeling better, but let me share with you how I kicked off the 2nd tri...

Sean & I went out for a quick dinner at Ch.ipotle last night. I have only had it twice since I got pg and it has definitely left me gaggy in the past, but I thought that had more to do with my chicken aversion than anything else. I am only feeling luke warm about red meat and chicken is an absolute no, so I played it safe and ordered a veggie burrito bowl. It was a beautiful night so we decided to dine on the patio. We are eating and chatting when all the sudden my stomach started flipping and churning. I held my hand up for Sean to be quiet and he must have known because he said, "There is a trash can right behind you!" I bolted from my seat and promptly horfed into the public trash can. So much fun, I cannot even tell you. Needless to say, I threw away the rest of my dinner and Chi.potle is off the list for me. Sean said I turned 3 shades of green before all the color drained from my face completely. We had a good laugh about it later! I have no idea what my body rejected about it, but the baby is clearly not a fan! Thank goodness Chipot.le was not a Father's Day dining hot spot and there were not too many people around. It was still embarrassing though.

The night before we dined at our favorite Greek place and I almost lost it there too, but that was directly related to tempting fate and eating a bite of chicken. I have always been a morning barfer so this past week of evening sickness is messing with my head. My food aversions definitely seem worse and barfing in public is definitely a new low for me! So much for the 2nd tri! :)

Sean had a nice Daddy-to-be Day. I bought him a digital picture frame for his office and we went out to lunch and to buy new cell phones. He got an iphone and he is enamored with it! I don't think he put it down all day. He even downloaded the pregnancy app - too cute! I finally got a phone with a full keyboard and even though I am lusting after his phone, I am pretty happy with mine too. We also decided to poke around Babies R Us a bit after lunch. We had fun looking at all the gear and deciding what we might like. You should have seen us trying to get the infant seats out of the strollers - we are hopeless! Sean found a teeny-tiny jean skirt that had him all
a-twitter. He thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen. I have waited so long to wish my husband a Happy Father's Day - it was like a dream come true. I cannot even imagine what next year will be like when our son or daughter is here to celebrate with Daddy!

In other news, I finally changed the title of my blog and updated some info in the side bar! Big accomplishments for a self-proclaimed blog slacker!

I am also very excited to tell you that my best friend, Amanda, is also pregnant! Not only are we pregnant at the same time, we are due just 10 days apart! It is a girl's dream to share a huge milestone in her life with her best friend. I do pity our husbands though. We are going to be a site to behold!

In other pregnancy news, there are BFPs to celebrate so pop on over and visit Sprogblogger and Bella and share in their happy news!

We have a wedding to go to this weekend and I have NO idea what I am going to wear. I am also nervous about my new "barfing-in-public-while-dining" trick. Can you imagine??? Oh the horror! I would DIE!

Less than 3 weeks to go before I go off of Estrace and Endometrin. I have no idea why, but my RE wanted me to stay on them until 16 weeks. It feels like overkill to me, but I'll do what I gotta do!

Ok, I have not done one of these in a few weeks, so, in honor of the 2nd tri, here is my summary...

How am I feeling? I think we have covered that in detail ;) I have been sleeping A LOT - 12 hours on some nights minus the 10 trips to the bathroom.

Milestones: Second trimester - woo-hooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Ralphie up to? He or she is about the size of a peach and weighs around 1oz. The baby may be sucking its thumb and is practicing breathing in & out.

What am I craving? Pizza, pizza, & more pizza! Honey nut Cheerios.

Aversions: Chicken and Chipotle

What do I miss? My sex drive is still MIA. Hoping it will kick into high gear as I get into 2nd tri! I think coming off the Estrace will help too! Hoping, hoping, hoping ;)

What am I looking forward to? Oh! So much! I am so excited about this trimester. I can't wait to feel the first flutters & movement! Registering, the big u/s (even though we are not finding out the gender), getting a distinct baby bump, & feeling better (hopefully) just to name a few things!

That about wraps it up! Despite the m/s, I am overjoyed to be pregnant and trying to enjoy every moment. It feels more real every single day and I am looking forward to all the milestones that await. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me...

7dp6dt - Calm **Updated***

Miraculously, the anxiety is gone & I feel calm going into beta tomorrow. I have felt this way all day today & hope it continues through the morning.

I was dangerously close to POAS last night, but alas, no sticks in the house and a certain package from a certain someone (you know who you are!) that is rumored to contain evil sticks did not arrive. The whole way home from work I'm thinking, "Ok, if the package is there, it is a sign from the universe to test. If not, I'm out of luck and I will wait until beta." Walked in, had to pee sooooo bad, had been holding it for hours and NO PACKAGE, NO STICKS, NO DICE! My fate was sealed, wait until beta.

Ever since, I have been calm, cool & collected.

Beta anytime between 7am-9am, going to Amanda's to occupy myself, results between 1-2pm...EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!

I feel good, I feel hopeful, I feel optimistic, & I am thinking positively. Everything went according to plan - good thaw, good growth, 2 blasts to transfer, one hatching on its own, good hormone levels, smooth transfer, nice lining, some possible symptoms/side effects, no breakdowns, no blood (which can be a good thing, but it terrifies me), no terrible sinking feeling...

Did I mention tomorrow is my doggy, Libby's, birthday? Transfer on Sean's birthday, results on Libby's birthday - works for me!

Please, oh please let tomorrow be the best day of our lives........

16 hours and counting!

*** the package has landed and it contains 2 HPTs from my angels Christi & Jill. One lucky mojo HPT from each of their BFP cycles. Sweetest gift ever, completely made my day and it totally making me rethink my plan ;)! I am off to work for several hours so that will give me some time to think...Thank you ladies!!!*****

6dp6dt - Anxiety

No major freak out yet, but my anxiety level is definitely on the high end of the spectrum. I know that I could test and get a trustworthy result, but I don't think I am ready to know yet. I would want to use FMU & that window of opportunity has passed for today & tomorrow morning I have tutoring first thing in the am, so that it not at all ideal. So, that leaves Thursday which is Beta Day anyway... I am thinking I am just going to wait it out - change it up!

Two things have happened that have left me feeling a little doubtful. First, my boobs do not hurt AT ALL today. Now, I know I have said myself that there is no rhyme or reason to the soreness that results from the endometrin & that it varies day to day, hour to hour, but it is almost nonexistent right now. In my past 3 cycles, once my boobs stopped hurting, my period was only a day or two away. It was my sign that my IVF BFN was inevitable. In the past though, my wait until beta was closer to 3 weeks long and AF was already due/overdue, whereas right now she is still anywhere from 5-7 days away. But still, to me no sore boobs = no baby.

Second, I had a sex dream last night. It sounds silly, but in at least 2 of the 3 IVFs, I had a sex dream late in the 2ww and sure enough, my period was here within days.

Put these things together and I feel like they are harbingers of doom. I feel like the boobs settling down and the dreams are indicative of subtle shifts in my body's hormones as I near the end of the LP.

I am probably reading way too much into things, but this close to beta, the doubt and anxiety and emotional roller coaster are inevitable.

I wish I had a concrete symptom, but really is there such a thing?

The truth is, I feel remarkably the same as I did with my 3 failed IVFs - mostly normal with a few progesterone & estrogen based side effects thrown into the mix. I have heard women say they "just knew" something was different on their BFP cycle, or the symptoms were subtly different enough that they had a clue that this might be it. I can't say I feel that way. I am still hopeful, still optimistic, still positive, but I wish I knew for sure, or had a strong sense about it one way or another. I will say I was pretty sure IVF #3 did not work and I was right about that and I do not have that feeling either.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is maddening! Such a mind fuck! My wait is so short this time compared to my near 3 week HCG booster shot induced waits of the past, but I am realizing that regardless of how long or short your wait is, anxiety level is directly correlated to how close you are to beta. Man, am I close...

2 days until Beta!

Can I please be sedated now???

5dp6dt

The weekend is over, the house guests are gone and my distractions have dried up. All in all, I am hanging in there. Feeling hopeful and positive. Not really obsessing too much. Not feeling the compulsive need to POAS and am leaning towards not doing it at all. No 2ww breakdowns - yet.

We had a really nice weekend with Sean's brother and family. We went out for crabs, went to a museum, out to one of our fave spots for Greek food, watched movies, laughed, talked family stuff, cooked & relaxed. Easter brunch at our house was lovely and it was a nice, relaxing day with family & friends. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter & holiday weekend.

This week is a regular week of tutoring for me & having a schedule & a routine is a good thing :)

Symptom checker: Yesterday I felt pretty normal all day long. Bad taste wasn't as noticeable. Boobs were a little sorer than normal and veiny at night. I had night sweats and woke up to pee twice. When I went back to bed after my 2nd potty trip, I had a very sharp and unusual pain on my left side.

Today: feeling lots of twinges & twangs in the uterus, especially on the left, but I can't say with certainty that it is any different than any other IVF cycle. Hungry! Boobs feel less sore today, but are large and I even broke my bra :) Popped the under wire right through! Tired, but we have been pretty busy since Friday. I have also been more than "regular" - I swear I'm like a puppy - feed me and 20 minutes later, potty break! TMI - sorry ;)

I feel like the signs from the universe continue smacking me in the face every time I turn around. The 10 yr old I tutor is reading a story about a mom having twins, the 17 year old just started the human reproduction unit - complete with pics of embryos, blasts, and fetuses- and the 13 year old just got the word "baby" for her 4th quarter project. The modern art museum went to had lots of fertility/mother related pieces. Realistically, I am probably just wayyyy more in tune to it than usual, but I like it all the same.

Overall, I feel hopeful and optimistic. I have managed to keep the doubt from creeping in too much. I am ready for it to be Thursday!

Hold on little ones...hold on.

3 days until Beta!!!

3dp6dt

Sign from the universe: Alarm goes off at 6am for Sean's tee time and the very first notes of Jack & Dianne were playing. We giggled and listened & imagined the possibilities.

Symptom checker: All is quiet on the uterine front. CANNOT get rid of horrible taste in mouth - metallic & yucky! Boobs possibly slightly more heavy feeling today, but I find the Endometrin leaves them feeling a little different on a day to day basis.

Plan for the day: Visit a museum, prep some stuff for brunch, spend time with the fam, quietly obsess & wonder...

Countdown to Beta: 5 days!

2dp6dt

Officially ended bed rest around dinner time last night. Decided to head to the grocery store with Sean after all. He is good, but not that good :) I would trust him with a basic list, but it was all my Easter brunch ingredients, so I thought I would spare us both the torture & just go with him. No worries, I didn't do any lifting and took it very slowly. It felt good to be up off the couch and getting the blood flowing and energy moving.

I worked for a few hours this morning & did a couple of last minute things around the house before company arrives. Sean's brother, his wife & our teenage nephew should be here within the hour. Looking forward to hanging out, eating good food, playing lots of board games and laughing! Going out for crabs tonight - YUM!

Symptom checker: still feeling some pulling on right hand side & some tiny twinges all around. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy last night. Had vivid and strange dreams. Bad taste in my mouth all morning, but that could be the steroids - they taste nasty & powdery - blech! Overall, I feel 100% normal and probably would never notice any of this except for the over analysis that is happening 24/7.

Relaxing for a bit before the weekend is in full swing! Happy Easter everyone ~ have a lovely weekend!

6 days until beta!

1dp6dt - Implantation Day?!?

After consulting Dr. Google obsessively and talking with our embryologist during transfer, it appears that today is the big day for Jack & Diane/Ben & Jerry! Will they or won't they???

I am nervous and hopeful and feeling like it is all out of our control. All the humans have played their parts and now we need a little help from God, Fate, Destiny, Mother Nature...this is truly where medicine meets miracle, the joining of the hands of God & science.

I am following instructions and staying flat on the couch. Sean spoiled me and pampered me last night and I only got up to potty and head up to bed. He had to go back to work today, but he cooked me breakfast & lunch before he left. Cheesy eggs and toast for breakfast and Ring O'Noodle soup with egg & a pb&j sandwich on whole grain for lunch. He even laid out a cheese stick, yogurt and pineapple for snacks. He is the best! He should be home early tonight and I am contemplating joining him on a trip to the grocery store to do our Easter Brunch shopping. Playing that by ear though!

In the mean time, I have spent a lot of time online, watched trashy TV - 90210 baby! - a few episodes of a Baby Story, developed my Easter Menu, made a grocery list, and talked on the phone. On the horizon, meditate and a nap, maybe a movie...it's a good life!

Symptom checker: Nothing at all. Possible pulling on the right side, but I could be making that up:) Already been on the progesterone for a week, so pretty accustomed to those side effects, which are mild at this point.

Oh please, oh please let this be the day...

7 days until Beta!

FET Madness - Transfer Day!!!

Transfer day is my favorite day of an entire cycle - I always feel so peaceful, content, hopeful and optimistic. I have my embies back home and that is the best feeling!

We called in this morning to discuss how many to transfer & the embryologist said there really wasn't much to decide on - we had 2 blasts and they recommended transferring both. Sounded good to us, but we are neurotic and had a billion more questions for her.

She explained that our mediocre blast from yesterday had actually expanded more and improved slightly though they were grading it a 4CC. You can read more about blast grading here, if you want to know more. 4 being pretty good, but the C's not so much. She said that they are changing so rapidly at this point that there could be improvement before transfer. They would be performing Assisted Hatching on this little guy to help him along.

The 2nd blast to transfer was a 6 BC - 6 being the best possible score. It was awarded this high score because it had already hatched on its own!!! Mommy & Daddy are so proud of you!

Another early blast had formed and they wanted to watch it for possible freeze, while the other early blast from yesterday had failed to progress.

We headed in with a full bladder for transfer at 11:30. Sean & I were feeling giddy with excitement that after 3 failed IVFs, we actually had some blasts to transfer. This is the furthest we have ever gotten and after a few anxious days, we are over the moon to have some blasts to put back!

Here's a couple pics of me before leaving for transfer today. The second one is me looking puffy and awful and downright giddy, but Sean says is cracks him up because it totally captures my joy over these little blasts. The first is of me and Libby, our first born, our best girl, the light of our lives...

They had more good news for us when we arrived, our little 4CC was changing and after using AH, they had improved their grade to a BC! While we are trying not to get too caught up in the grading system, we were still thrilled to see improvement. I have transferred perfect embryos before with no implantation and know of plenty of woman who have transferred ugly little ones and ended up pregnant with one, two or more. I am just beyond excited to have blasts - ugly, beautiful or anything in between!

Transfer was ultrasound guided and smooth as can be. Sean was able to come back with me and hold my hand the entire time, which was such a nice treat. Our clinic does not have private rooms for transfer, so if there is anyone is recovery from ER or also having ET, no husbands can come back for privacy reasons. We were late enough in the morning that it was pretty empty so we had the space all to ourselves.

Dr. P was thrilled that we had met our goal and grown 2 multi cells out to blast stage. He was optimistic and wished us well. The embryologist spent some more time talking with us and said they were really happy with the progression of the embryos and she put our odds of pregnancy around 40% or better. She said success rates for a regular FET with a multi celled embryo or thawed blast would be around 20%, so we effectively doubled our chances by getting the little ones to blast. She said it was as close to fresh cycle odds as we could get with the added benefit of FET being a much more natural state for the body to be in.

We got to see some pics of the blasts, though we did not ask to take them home. The clinic team has their own superstitions and they don't like to give pics to patients until a positive beta. In cycles 1 & 2, we bucked their system and took the pics, but this time, we are going with the flow and being superstitious right along with them :) We are nicknaming the blasts, but are torn between Jack & Diane and Ben & Jerry. Love them both. Thoughts?

I laid there for 30 minutes and was in agony by the end - I had to pee SO freaking bad it hurt. My blood work was in by time we left and my E2 was 249 and my P4 was 15.2. The nurse said those were perfect, though my P4 dropped off about 5 points since Weds, but if they are not worried, I am not worried. Anyone know what they like them to be at this stage of an FET?

I spent the ride home reclined in my seat and Sean has been pampering all day - he picked up white pizza and Greek salad for lunch which was yummy! He also bought me my favorite yogurt, fresh pineapple and bananas. I plan to stay flat on the couch all day today and probably tomorrow as well. The embryologist said my implantation window is 24-48 hours, so I should take it easy for the time being. We have a busy weekend ahead, so I plan to rest up while I can.

All in all, a very good day. Wishing my amazing husband, Sean, a very Happy Birthday today and hoping I can give him the greatest gift of all this year... I LOVE YOU!

Thank you ladies - your strength & support amazes me daily!

Beta in 8 days!

FET Madness - Day 19 - Growth Report

Today's call from the embryologist revealed that 2 of our embies are compacting and on their way to *hopefully* becoming blasts. One more is growing sloooooowly and the remaining 3 have yet to progress.

I remain hopeful for our 2 little strong ones to keep on doing their thing and grow big & strong.

I am a little sad for the ones that are left behind, but I fully expected there to be a drop off today.

The embryologist wants one more peek at them before deciding if tomorrow is the big day, so we call in the morning for the final decision. I am really hoping tomorrow is the day.

I would be lying if I said the nerves weren't kicking in a little bit. Going into the FET, I knew our goal was to have 2 of the 6 get to blast and while we seem to be on track for that, anything can still happen. 2 is such a small number in the grand scheme of things and a lot can happen to those little embies in the next 15 hours....Wishing, hoping and praying that those are our miracles in a petri dish!

We spent all of Sunday doing major spring cleaning and it felt so good to scrub, organize, air out and get rid of some clutter. We filed lots of paper work as well and I really felt like we got rid of some N.U.T.S - nagging unfinished tasks that were causing us STRESS! I told Sean over dinner that the cleaning was therapeutic for me. I felt like we were clearing out all the old energy and opening ourselves up to new, positive energy. Opening up channels for the Chi to flow - our hearts, minds, home and body are all open to accepting these embryos and the new life they bring.

We went out for chinese food and our fortune cookies both had the same message:
"All your hard work will soon pay off."

At the beginning of this FET, we went to P.F. Cha.ngs for lunch & my fortune read:
"Bide your time, for success is near."

Hoping, hoping, hoping!

FET Madness - Day 18 - Thaw Day

This morning I had to go feed the vampires to have my P4 checked. While we were there I asked if our embryologist was available to talk to us about the thaw. She came right out & said she had good news to report - all 6 frosties survived the thaw! Sean cracked a joke and said, "Yeah, we're from Buffalo. They like the cold." :)

She went on to explain that their definition of a successful thaw is if 50% of the embryo's original cell mass survives. All 6 passed with flying colors! Some maintained 100% of their cells and most lost just one cell. I don't have the specs in front of me, but we have 6 embies ranging from 5 cells - 10 cells. They do not grade them at this early stage, but they were all good quality going into the freezer. We get our next report @ 11am tomorrow! That report will dictate whether we go for transfer on Tues or Weds. We are getting excited!

I am feeling pretty good, but a few side effects are creeping up on me. The bloat has set in & I have been having a touch of insomnia from the prednisone. I started the doxy antiobiotic this morning and had a bit of heart burn from that. Of course, I am a goopy mess from the Endometrin. JOY! Ah well, I will take this any day over the stress and crummy side effects of a fresh cycle.

I do not think I am going to make my weight loss goal of 20lbs before transfer and I have made peace with that. I am still holding on @ 16lbs lost and I feel good about it. I kinda hit a plateau the last 3 weeks and the meds are not making it easy this time - I think it is the addition of the steroids.

In other related news, we had an interesting weekend. A good friend of mine (I wrote about her pg announcement here) had her baby on Friday afternoon and we decided to be brave and head to the hospital to visit with the new family on Saturday. I knew I was in the right mindset to do it and I really wanted to be there. I wasn't sure how I might be feeling about going during the 2ww hell or god-forbid after a negative beta, so I figured a visit now when I am feeling happy & hopeful was a good thing. I am glad we went. The baby is beautiful and I am so happy for E & S. It felt good to snuggle a newborn for a little bit and let myself pretend this might be us in 9 months or so...

The night the baby was born, I received a special message from Jeanine, an acquaintance E & I both have in common. We both taught her boys in elementary school and have stayed in touch over the years via fac.ebook. Jeanine struggled with multiple miscarriages almost 20 years ago and now has a beautiful family and is one of the kindest women I know. She took a moment out of her day to send me this message:

Hi!! Thinking about you tonight--I know when we were having trouble holding onto pregnancies, it was always hard when our friends had babies--even though we were so happy for them it made us yearn for a baby that much more! I know it won't be long until we are sending well wishes your way! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and can't wait to celebrate your little miracle!! Keep good thoughts!!!

It was one of the sweetest and most touching things anyone outside of my immediate circle has ever said to me. I was bawling when I read it. It was so amazing to know someone was thinking of me and my struggle at a time when we were all celebrating E & S and their new baby. I was over the moon for E & S, but it was bittersweet too, which I know I don't have to explain to anyone reading. I feel blessed to have such a wide network of love and support. Jeanine sent me another touching message today to say how excited she was to hear about the thaw. She just totally gets it, she has never forgotten pain and loss even though it was more than 20 years ago. She touched my heart this weekend.

Lots more to say, but I am pooped! I will save it for tomorrow's frostie update.

Thinking of my little embies tonight and hoping they are warm and toasty and growing so big & strong. Can't wait to bring them home...

FET Madness - Day 14: Ultrasound Day!

Today was "do or die" for my uterine lining. I was a little worried that the universe might throw a little April Fool's Day shenanigan my way just to spite recent hopeful mood. Alas, karma (and Estrace) have been good to me and my lining was a 10 today, a "perfect 10" in the words of Dr. P. and blood work confirmed that I have not ovulated (for once this is a desired outcome). My prolactin is also back into the normal range after being off meds for awhile - yay! All is well and we are ready to get this show on the road!

Tomorrow: begin Endometrin suppositories and Prednisone.

Sunday: Thaw Day!! Blood work to check P4 levels.

Monday: Embie report - our goal: grow those little guys to blast

Tuesday/Wednesday: Stand by for transfer!

Beta: April 16th - it seems so close!!!

I love that my transfer will be on either Tuesday or Weds, both are good days in my world. Tuesday is the birthday of a dear woman, Carol, who was like another 'mom' to me growing up. She passed away in 1992, but I celebrate her birthday every year. Sometimes Sean even brings me yellow tulips (her favorite) to remember her. Wednesday is Sean's birthday and special to me for obvious reasons. I am always looking for signs and symbols and these dates are good stuff in my book!

Still feeling hopeful, happy and in a good, positive state of mind. I very well know that this might not work either, but that's ok. I need to take that option off the table right now and just focus on the good stuff.

The Year of Hope? Yeah, I'm feeling it...

FET Madness - Day 12

Nothing really new to report in FET-ville. On Saturday, I ramped up the Estrace to 3x per day & will stay at this dosage until my u/s on Wednesday morning. Feeling pretty normal, the night sweats have been rare and the Estrace has not zapped my se.x drive like it did during the mock. Ah, well the Endometrium suppositories will surely take care of that!

We ended up heading to Buffalo this past weekend to spend some time with the family before Donna's surgery. It was nice to see everyone and catch up. It was a lot of driving and a lot of visiting in 48 hours & I am pooped! I was so ready to head home yesterday. Sean said he was sick of talking and I agreed, but we still managed to find plenty to chat about on the 7 hour drive home.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers about my sister-in-law's surgery. Keep 'em coming! Her surgery tomorrow is early in the afternoon and will last a few hours. Our prayer right now is that they do not need to take out the entire colon and that the mass is benign. Even if those things are true, it is still a difficult surgery and she faces a lengthy recovery.

As for me, I am still full of hope. Probably more so than at any other time since our first IVF. I have been blessed by many wonderful friendships on this journey and two of those women were my angels this cycle. Jill & Christi both sent me meds for my FET. Seeing has how they are both happy & healthy pregnant women (Christi - expecting a girl in July!!! Jill - expecting twin boys shortly thereafter!!!), I am hoping some of their pregnancy mojo rubs off on me! Thank you ladies, your friendships mean the world to me and the meds were a generous gift! I hope to pay it forward someday (SOON)!

Hoping for a great lining check on Wednesday and looking forward to transfer (hopefully) at the end of the week/early next week. I am a little nervous about the thaw - how many will make it? Will the survivors thrive? Will we get any to our goal of blasts? Will they make it to transfer? How many? Trying to not focus too much on those things right now and just take it one day at a time.

Feel free to share your FET stories when you comment & please stop by Sprogblogger's blog and wish her a giant congratulations - a SURPRISE BFP while waiting for her FET! She is now the stuff of Internet legends - mosey on over and read her amazing story!! I do hope she bought a lottery ticket...

FET Madness Day 5

Nothing too crazy going on. 4 doses of Estrace down and I was not having any side effects until last night when I woke up soaked to the bone. Ahhh...night sweats. Lovely.

We had a delightful weekend - fun, friends, food and relaxing. I maxed out on caffeine, spl.enda, red wine, sodium and nitrates. I probably gained 5lbs! I am back on the straight and narrow and off all the bad stuff - I am 5 days pregnant after all and wouldn't want to harm the frosties! Still my goal to be down 20lbs before transfer, so I've got some work to do.

The kids I tutor for are done with Spring Break, so it is back to regularly scheduled programming for me. I was really loving being home in the evenings with Sean - it is such a foreign concept to us. He has always worked super long days and would rarely get home before 9:30 and I usually tutor until around 9 myself. With spring break and Sean's new work schedule, we were beside ourselves! Oh well, only 3 more months of school and then on to summer schedule tutoring.

We are likely heading to Buffalo this weekend. Sean's oldest sister is having half of her colon removed on the 31st and the whole family is pretty stressed and nervous. We would like to spend some quality time with everyone before the surgery. We are praying for a good outcome and a speedy recovery for her!

Trying to focus on all positive things right now! I am so happy Spring is here and am anxiously awaiting warmer weather, flip flops and capris! The next month should fly by - we have a lot going on - Buffalo, transfer, family visiting for Easter, hopefully a BFP... (a girl can dream, can't she?)

Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

The Luck O' The Irish

What a week! I am still in awe over how everything came together. Join me for a recap?

Monday night Sean & I decided that if that tax return did not arrive before full flow, we were going to wait until next month. I felt mostly at peace with that decision, but I think we were both holding out hope that the tax return would surprise us.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, a high holy day in our household, and I called my in-laws to wish them well and double check my corned beef & cabbage and champ recipes. Rita was asking me if we had started our FET yet & I explained the whole situation. She then floored me by offering to lend us the money! She said we had waited long enough and that she knew we were sick & tired of the entire process and said that she would love to help us. I graciously thanked her and said I would discuss it with Sean. He was shocked. With 5 kids and 11 grandchildren, Sean's parents have kind of made it their rule not to lend money or be overly generous as it is hard to do for one and not do for all and they just aren't in a position to "do for all." They are amazing, kind, caring people and they would do anything for any of us, they just aren't financially secure enough to subsidize all of us, not should they. Needless to say, you could have knocked us over with a feather.

After discussing it, Sean decided he would like to take his parents up on their offer, but we weren't sure if they knew how much we needed or if they could cover it. Sean called them on Wednesday morning and they were indeed shocked by the amount and said they couldn't swing the whole thing, but would give us what they could. We graciously thanked them, but said we would just proceed with the original plan to wait it out. Again, we were disappointed, but not devastated and still holding out for the tax return. Full flow had held off too, so maybe it would all work out.

Sean's Dad called him back a few hours later to tell him that after checking into things, he found a CD that they had squirreled away some money into awhile go. Amazingly, the CD was going to be expiring in just 2 days, March 20, 2009, and he had to make a decision about what to do with it by the end of the week. It just happened to be EXACTLY the amount we needed and they wanted to extend their offer once again! We were excited, but we knew it could take a few days to transfer funds, we didn't know how much longer full flow would hold out and we had no idea if our clinic would allow us a few days of leeway.

I called my nurse ASAP and explained and she said that she was fine with us starting Estrace and paying later, but ultimately, the billing office had the final say. The billing office and I played phone tag all day Weds and we never caught up. I remained cautiously optimistic. Miraculously, no full flow yet!

First thing yesterday, I spoke to the billing office and explained everything to them and they agreed to let me begin my Estrace on CD 1 and pay them when ever my in laws were able to access the funds. They said they were really rooting for us and really wanted to extend the favor and were happy to do it. I was over the moon! She transferred me back to the nurse, I received all my instructions and she reminded me to call back with full flow to make it official.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, full flow had arrived! I called the nurse back and she had me come right in for blood work to recheck my prolactin and pick up me FET calendar. None of us could believe how well everything was working out!

So, it's official - FET #1 is under way! I started Estrace last night, my lining check is scheduled for April 1st and the clinic told me to keep the first week of April clear for transfer. I can't believe it all worked out!

Turns out my in-laws were given cash so Sean was able to pay the clinic in full today. I was nearly in tears when I called my mother-in-law to thank her for the 100th time. She is so happy and proud to have done it. Turns out, she was saving it to give to the funeral home to prepay on her funeral! She said this is a much nicer way to use the money and hopes it turns out to bring life instead of pay for death. We will pay them back ASAP, so she will have her funeral money after all, but she said she'd rather spend it on the baby :)

I find myself so damn full of hope again. What the hell happened to me? I think watching this cycle fall into place the way it did, got me all emotional and thinking about how this could be "meant to be" this time. I know, I know, I am getting wayyyyyyy ahead of myself here!

Speaking of way ahead of myself, I was early for our movie date last night, so I was browsing the pregnancy/infant aisle of the book store. I even sneaked a peek at a baby name book. I even announced to Sean that I was officially "one day pregnant". I am OUT OF CONTROL, but it is so fun and liberating and it feels so damn good to hope...

2 days pregnant and counting!

Luck Be a Lady

I have AMAZING news! Everything worked out, today is CD 1 and I start Estrace tonight! I am on a caffeine binge today :) It is a longish and complicated story and since I have date night with my loving husband tonight, I will save the details for tomorrow, but, let's just say the Luck O' the Irish has been with us all week! Off to a free screening of Kno.wing. What's better than free? Oh, I dunno maybe getting a BFP?!?! Here we go again...

The Year of Hope is alive & well in my house tonight!

Halfway to Nowhere

Well, I am about 1/2 way finished with my mock cycle. I had my lining check yesterday and my lining looked "beautiful!" I did not ask for measurements, because I figured why worry about something that does not matter anyway? I get to cut back my Est.race to 2x per day and I started Endo.metrin 3x per day this morning. Lucky me!

Although the mock cycle is easy and boring, I am not really a happy camper. The estrogen put the whammy on my sex drive in a major way and we all know how very romantic progesterone suppositories are to top it all off. Sigh... poor Sean. Poor me.

My endometrial biopsy is scheduled for next Friday the 13th. Looks like Valentine's Day weekend is going to be filled with romance. Sigh...

I stop all meds on 2/15 and call with a period. I can start FET right away pending results and we are leaning towards doing that.

I am down 10.4 lbs since the New Year and going strong. Losing about 1lb. per week for the last few weeks. I am hoping the meds don't blow me up like a balloon though. Sean is down almost 10 as well. I love cooking and am always looking for more healthy recipes!

We are new/used SUV shopping and it is maddening. I will spare you the details, but after spending Friday, Sat and Sun test driving trucks, I think we are getting closer to making a decision. We are terrible at making big decisions like this. We have a tendency to over think, over analyze and over plan things. Hopefully this weekend we will be the proud new owners of an SUV!

We are also making some headway on our "big life change" plans that I mentioned recently. I will unveil the plan soon. Thank you all for your well wishes and support!