One of the best days of my life!

I'm back! No excuses, just a terrible blogging slump. Life certainly has been eventful in the almost 2 months since I have graced you with my presence. Time continues to fly by and tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant! Can you even believe it? This little one will be here sooner than later, but hopefully right on time.

One of the biggest events in my life in the past few months was my baby shower! I can honestly say it was of the best days of my life - right up there with our wedding day and the day we found out we were pregnant. Sunday could not have been more perfect. My mom, my aunt, my childhood best friend and my mother-in-law were our hostesses and they did an amazing job. Everything was just perfect. The colors were sage green and chocolate brown to match our bedding, which I changed since my last post. I ended up going with Carter's Elephant Stitch bedding and I love it! The food was yummy, the favors were adorable and the cake - oh my goodness - it was the talk of the town! The favors were baby food jars with green and brown M&Ms, wrapped in tulle with green and brown ribbon and a little elephant tag. The centerpieces were mums and everything coordinated beautifully!

We were so blessed by the generosity of our family and friends. Little Ralphie is already one spoiled little babe. It is crazy to look around and have all this baby stuff in my house!!! The nursery furniture will be here a week from Saturday and then we can really get down to business.

Some of the highlights from my shower were the cake, which I really cannot say enough about, and some really touching personal gifts. Sean's Aunt Kathleen in Ireland was famous for her gorgeous baby blankets and sweaters. She was sick with cancer for many years and passed away the day after our wedding almost 6 years ago. Little did we know she had already made us a sweater and blanket and set them aside. Imagine our surprise to open such a beautiful package at our shower. The tears were flowing...The sweater and blanket are just gorgeous. I do not have a good photo of them, but I will try to remember to take a photo and share it. Along those same lines, my Great Aunt Sara has been in failing health for some time, and shortly after our wedding she began making us a gorgeous blanket. She was able to attend the shower, but her health is poor. Her daughter said this blanket is her last. Finally, Amanda who is 29w pregnant and now living in Maine (sniff) was unable to make the trip but it didn't stop her from sending me an amazing package from Piecemeal People. She made me a pair of elephants which match the bedding to a T and an incredible piece which says "hope". It is just amazing and captures perfectly this journey. Many of you may remember that we coined 2009 "The Year of Hope" and so it has been. The addition of "hope" to the nursery could not be more fitting. All in all, I could not have asked for a more special day.

A 32w update:

How am I feeling? Fantastic! An occasional bout of heartburn and some tingling in my hips at night is about all I have to report. BP is great. Feeling very fortunate in this department!

Milestones I am well into my 3rd tri and time is flying. If I were to go into labor now, the baby has a 95% of survival, which is incredibly reassuring. The baby weighs around 4lbs and is about 16in. long! The movement I can see and feel is unreal!

Cravings Milk - drinking a gallon per week. YUM

Aversions - None!!!

What do I miss? Being able to go more than 1 hour without a trip to the bathroom. I tallied my bathroom trips for 24 hrs and I went 17 times!!! Being able to put my socks and shoes on comfortably.

What am I looking forward to? Working on the nursery this weekend! Putting all the baby stuff in its place. Our couple's shower in 2 weeks. Of course, meeting this little one - but not quite yet!

Weight gain - 4lbs at my 30w midwife appt. I was told to start eating more calories so I am working on it. I definitely got my fair share at my shower :)

What do we think we are having? A boy and that seemed to be the general consensus at my shower. We even got a few boy specific gifts and I am not sure why...

Signs of labor? None!!

So, that it is my update. Thank you to those of you who checked in on me during my absence! Hope you are all well.

FET Madness - Transfer Day!!!

Transfer day is my favorite day of an entire cycle - I always feel so peaceful, content, hopeful and optimistic. I have my embies back home and that is the best feeling!

We called in this morning to discuss how many to transfer & the embryologist said there really wasn't much to decide on - we had 2 blasts and they recommended transferring both. Sounded good to us, but we are neurotic and had a billion more questions for her.

She explained that our mediocre blast from yesterday had actually expanded more and improved slightly though they were grading it a 4CC. You can read more about blast grading here, if you want to know more. 4 being pretty good, but the C's not so much. She said that they are changing so rapidly at this point that there could be improvement before transfer. They would be performing Assisted Hatching on this little guy to help him along.

The 2nd blast to transfer was a 6 BC - 6 being the best possible score. It was awarded this high score because it had already hatched on its own!!! Mommy & Daddy are so proud of you!

Another early blast had formed and they wanted to watch it for possible freeze, while the other early blast from yesterday had failed to progress.

We headed in with a full bladder for transfer at 11:30. Sean & I were feeling giddy with excitement that after 3 failed IVFs, we actually had some blasts to transfer. This is the furthest we have ever gotten and after a few anxious days, we are over the moon to have some blasts to put back!

Here's a couple pics of me before leaving for transfer today. The second one is me looking puffy and awful and downright giddy, but Sean says is cracks him up because it totally captures my joy over these little blasts. The first is of me and Libby, our first born, our best girl, the light of our lives...

They had more good news for us when we arrived, our little 4CC was changing and after using AH, they had improved their grade to a BC! While we are trying not to get too caught up in the grading system, we were still thrilled to see improvement. I have transferred perfect embryos before with no implantation and know of plenty of woman who have transferred ugly little ones and ended up pregnant with one, two or more. I am just beyond excited to have blasts - ugly, beautiful or anything in between!

Transfer was ultrasound guided and smooth as can be. Sean was able to come back with me and hold my hand the entire time, which was such a nice treat. Our clinic does not have private rooms for transfer, so if there is anyone is recovery from ER or also having ET, no husbands can come back for privacy reasons. We were late enough in the morning that it was pretty empty so we had the space all to ourselves.

Dr. P was thrilled that we had met our goal and grown 2 multi cells out to blast stage. He was optimistic and wished us well. The embryologist spent some more time talking with us and said they were really happy with the progression of the embryos and she put our odds of pregnancy around 40% or better. She said success rates for a regular FET with a multi celled embryo or thawed blast would be around 20%, so we effectively doubled our chances by getting the little ones to blast. She said it was as close to fresh cycle odds as we could get with the added benefit of FET being a much more natural state for the body to be in.

We got to see some pics of the blasts, though we did not ask to take them home. The clinic team has their own superstitions and they don't like to give pics to patients until a positive beta. In cycles 1 & 2, we bucked their system and took the pics, but this time, we are going with the flow and being superstitious right along with them :) We are nicknaming the blasts, but are torn between Jack & Diane and Ben & Jerry. Love them both. Thoughts?

I laid there for 30 minutes and was in agony by the end - I had to pee SO freaking bad it hurt. My blood work was in by time we left and my E2 was 249 and my P4 was 15.2. The nurse said those were perfect, though my P4 dropped off about 5 points since Weds, but if they are not worried, I am not worried. Anyone know what they like them to be at this stage of an FET?

I spent the ride home reclined in my seat and Sean has been pampering all day - he picked up white pizza and Greek salad for lunch which was yummy! He also bought me my favorite yogurt, fresh pineapple and bananas. I plan to stay flat on the couch all day today and probably tomorrow as well. The embryologist said my implantation window is 24-48 hours, so I should take it easy for the time being. We have a busy weekend ahead, so I plan to rest up while I can.

All in all, a very good day. Wishing my amazing husband, Sean, a very Happy Birthday today and hoping I can give him the greatest gift of all this year... I LOVE YOU!

Thank you ladies - your strength & support amazes me daily!

Beta in 8 days!

FET Madness - Day 14: Ultrasound Day!

Today was "do or die" for my uterine lining. I was a little worried that the universe might throw a little April Fool's Day shenanigan my way just to spite recent hopeful mood. Alas, karma (and Estrace) have been good to me and my lining was a 10 today, a "perfect 10" in the words of Dr. P. and blood work confirmed that I have not ovulated (for once this is a desired outcome). My prolactin is also back into the normal range after being off meds for awhile - yay! All is well and we are ready to get this show on the road!

Tomorrow: begin Endometrin suppositories and Prednisone.

Sunday: Thaw Day!! Blood work to check P4 levels.

Monday: Embie report - our goal: grow those little guys to blast

Tuesday/Wednesday: Stand by for transfer!

Beta: April 16th - it seems so close!!!

I love that my transfer will be on either Tuesday or Weds, both are good days in my world. Tuesday is the birthday of a dear woman, Carol, who was like another 'mom' to me growing up. She passed away in 1992, but I celebrate her birthday every year. Sometimes Sean even brings me yellow tulips (her favorite) to remember her. Wednesday is Sean's birthday and special to me for obvious reasons. I am always looking for signs and symbols and these dates are good stuff in my book!

Still feeling hopeful, happy and in a good, positive state of mind. I very well know that this might not work either, but that's ok. I need to take that option off the table right now and just focus on the good stuff.

The Year of Hope? Yeah, I'm feeling it...

The Luck O' The Irish

What a week! I am still in awe over how everything came together. Join me for a recap?

Monday night Sean & I decided that if that tax return did not arrive before full flow, we were going to wait until next month. I felt mostly at peace with that decision, but I think we were both holding out hope that the tax return would surprise us.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, a high holy day in our household, and I called my in-laws to wish them well and double check my corned beef & cabbage and champ recipes. Rita was asking me if we had started our FET yet & I explained the whole situation. She then floored me by offering to lend us the money! She said we had waited long enough and that she knew we were sick & tired of the entire process and said that she would love to help us. I graciously thanked her and said I would discuss it with Sean. He was shocked. With 5 kids and 11 grandchildren, Sean's parents have kind of made it their rule not to lend money or be overly generous as it is hard to do for one and not do for all and they just aren't in a position to "do for all." They are amazing, kind, caring people and they would do anything for any of us, they just aren't financially secure enough to subsidize all of us, not should they. Needless to say, you could have knocked us over with a feather.

After discussing it, Sean decided he would like to take his parents up on their offer, but we weren't sure if they knew how much we needed or if they could cover it. Sean called them on Wednesday morning and they were indeed shocked by the amount and said they couldn't swing the whole thing, but would give us what they could. We graciously thanked them, but said we would just proceed with the original plan to wait it out. Again, we were disappointed, but not devastated and still holding out for the tax return. Full flow had held off too, so maybe it would all work out.

Sean's Dad called him back a few hours later to tell him that after checking into things, he found a CD that they had squirreled away some money into awhile go. Amazingly, the CD was going to be expiring in just 2 days, March 20, 2009, and he had to make a decision about what to do with it by the end of the week. It just happened to be EXACTLY the amount we needed and they wanted to extend their offer once again! We were excited, but we knew it could take a few days to transfer funds, we didn't know how much longer full flow would hold out and we had no idea if our clinic would allow us a few days of leeway.

I called my nurse ASAP and explained and she said that she was fine with us starting Estrace and paying later, but ultimately, the billing office had the final say. The billing office and I played phone tag all day Weds and we never caught up. I remained cautiously optimistic. Miraculously, no full flow yet!

First thing yesterday, I spoke to the billing office and explained everything to them and they agreed to let me begin my Estrace on CD 1 and pay them when ever my in laws were able to access the funds. They said they were really rooting for us and really wanted to extend the favor and were happy to do it. I was over the moon! She transferred me back to the nurse, I received all my instructions and she reminded me to call back with full flow to make it official.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, full flow had arrived! I called the nurse back and she had me come right in for blood work to recheck my prolactin and pick up me FET calendar. None of us could believe how well everything was working out!

So, it's official - FET #1 is under way! I started Estrace last night, my lining check is scheduled for April 1st and the clinic told me to keep the first week of April clear for transfer. I can't believe it all worked out!

Turns out my in-laws were given cash so Sean was able to pay the clinic in full today. I was nearly in tears when I called my mother-in-law to thank her for the 100th time. She is so happy and proud to have done it. Turns out, she was saving it to give to the funeral home to prepay on her funeral! She said this is a much nicer way to use the money and hopes it turns out to bring life instead of pay for death. We will pay them back ASAP, so she will have her funeral money after all, but she said she'd rather spend it on the baby :)

I find myself so damn full of hope again. What the hell happened to me? I think watching this cycle fall into place the way it did, got me all emotional and thinking about how this could be "meant to be" this time. I know, I know, I am getting wayyyyyyy ahead of myself here!

Speaking of way ahead of myself, I was early for our movie date last night, so I was browsing the pregnancy/infant aisle of the book store. I even sneaked a peek at a baby name book. I even announced to Sean that I was officially "one day pregnant". I am OUT OF CONTROL, but it is so fun and liberating and it feels so damn good to hope...

2 days pregnant and counting!

Luck Be a Lady

I have AMAZING news! Everything worked out, today is CD 1 and I start Estrace tonight! I am on a caffeine binge today :) It is a longish and complicated story and since I have date night with my loving husband tonight, I will save the details for tomorrow, but, let's just say the Luck O' the Irish has been with us all week! Off to a free screening of Kno.wing. What's better than free? Oh, I dunno maybe getting a BFP?!?! Here we go again...

The Year of Hope is alive & well in my house tonight!

2009: The Year of Change?!?!

You know that saying, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" ?Yeah, well that might be the best way to sum up the past week.

Just when I thought 2009 was going to be a boring year, we have a big shake up in our household. This past week has brought about some major changes and it has taken us a little by surprise. My last post about moving back to Buffalo? Well, it may not be happening any time soon, but that's okay.

First, let me start with the beginning of the week. As I think I have mentioned, we have been in the market for a new car for almost a month now. We were thinking used SUV. We looked and looked and looked and were having a really tough time. We are super picky and type-A about things & that is a really annoying way to be when you are making large purchases. We weren't even considering new SUVs because this purchase was all about getting into a larger vehicle at a great price. Well, thanks to the craptastic economy and the stimulus bill, there are some great deals out there on new cars & our amazing salesman was able to get us into a NEW SUV for right around what we were going to spend on a used one. We were pleasantly surprised and after 4 weeks & many bad experiences, we drove off the lot in a brand spankin' new Fo.rd Esc.ape Limited! It is a little smaller of a truck than we were looking at originally, but the gas mileage is unreal - 28 miles to the gallon- & that was super appealing. It also had many of the features we were hoping for. At the end of the day, it is more than large enough for the 2 of us and the 4 wheel drive will come in very handy when driving up to Buffalo. Realistically, we could even get away with 2 little ones and have enough space. So, that was the beginning of our good news for the week.

In my last post about moving back to Buffalo, I alluded to the fact that things haven't always been perfect at Sean's company, but they have always been flexible about us moving back to Buffalo and they were open to taking Sean back after he left to open his own business - you take the good with the bad I guess. Recently though, despite the refi boom, things have been slooooooowwww & no sign of improvement on the horizon - so more bad than good. Sean is always networking & keeping his feelers out there and late last week an old friend spoke to him about an opportunity at a local brokerage. Sean called and an interview was arranged. We discussed it & decided Sean would at least go on the interview - nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? He had an interview on Wednesday & he felt that it went very well.

On Thursday afternoon, they called and made him a formal offer! We had already decided if they made an offer, we would accept. So, it's official! He resigned today and says he feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. He starts on Tuesday. We are VERY excited about this opportunity and are looking at it as a total new beginning.

Some of the highlights - the hours are much more appealing than his current job - 10-7pm daily instead of 9-9, no weekends, no pressure. The benefits are great (not sure about IF coverage yet, but I won't hold my breath), Sean knows a lot of people on the sales floor, & the compensation plan is very appealing.

Sean spoke to the management team about the possibility of moving back to Buffalo at some point and they are open to it. No promises, but there may be an option to work from home or open a small branch of the company. We decided it was not a deal breaker for us, if it works out - great. If not, that is okay too. Perhaps this will be a bridge to something else, perhaps we will extend our time frame a little bit. Right now, we are just going with the flow. This was not part of the plan, but we always try to be open to change. Though it is an overused cliche, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

We feel like the tide has turned for us a bit. We have had quite the stretch of bad news of the past 18 months - Sean's shoulder surgery, the car accident, the business not working out, 3 failed IVFs, Sean's dad's cancer, my Dad losing his job & not being able to find work, the economy etc... We have learned a lot, but I am so over all of it! We feel way over due for some positive news. I truly feel like there has been a shift in the cosmos. Perfect time to get our FET under way!

You may remember that my mantra for 2009 is "The Year of Hope" & I went into it with no expectations. Well, so far 2009 has been full of surprises and full of hope too. Looking forward to what else is in store...

My 1st Blogoversary!

Today is my first blogoversary! It is hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I began writing and chronicling my IVF journey. When I go back and read my very first post, Maiden Voyage, I find myself sounding very naive and not too sure of my voice in the blogosphere. I was on the eve of IVF #1 and so optimistic.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.

Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:

• This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
• I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
• That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
• I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
• That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
• That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
• That doctors don't have all the answers.
• That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
• That miracles happen.
• That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
• That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
• To do without.
• To save more.
• That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
• That food is my drug of choice.
• To live more simply.
• That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
• That I am not ready to give up.
• That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
• That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
• That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
• That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
• That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
• That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
• That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
• That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
• That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
• That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
• That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
• That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
• That this is not the life I planned out.
• That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.

As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.

There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...

"...when nothing but Hope and Virtue could survive..."

My favorite words from today's historic inauguration speech...

"So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." ~President Barack Obama, January 20, 2008

What beautiful words. What a wonderful, blessed day. To HOPE!

2009 "The Year of Hope"

Happy New Year! I hope the first week of 2009 has been kind to everyone! My year is off to a reasonably good start and I am feeling better than I have in a long time. It is nice to be off all the hormones, not have a million doctors appointments, and to actually be feeling a little more like me.

Honestly, the holidays were better than I expected. Family was very supportive and kind without being overbearing or full of 'assvice'. My mom went overboard for Christmas and bought us a Wii. It is seriously the best thing ever! She was so sweet when she gave it to us. She said, "I know we were cutting back this year, but you are so sad and broken hearted. I knew I could not fix it for you, but I could at least bring a smile to your face." That she did! It was also a long over due gift. I begged and pleaded throughout my childhood for a Nintendo system and she never, ever gave in, until now!!! Sean hooked it up Christmas morning and the four of us (Sean,me & my parents) laughed harder than we have in a VERY long time. My parents had a holiday open house the next night and it was definitely the hit of the party! Sean & I have had a ball with it and are completely addicted to Guit.ar Hero! I can't wait until the Wii Fit is back in stock!

New Year's Eve was fun as well. We invited Amanda and her family over for a slumber party. We made tons of appetizers, played Wii and drank an adult beverage or two or three or maybe more ;) It was a great way to start off 2009!

As far as resolutions go, I only made one and it is to use my time more wisely. By doing that I will also be reaching more of my goals - planning my meals, cooking before I leave for work in the afternoon, getting in some exercise, staying on top of home projects etc... I feel my life will have more balance if I am making better use of my time. So far, so good. I have cooked a yummy, healthy meal every day before I leave for tutoring. The house is stocked with healthy foods, I have packed Sean's lunch daily and even checked a thing or two off my master to do list. Life is good in our house this week!

I have been hearing 2009 referred to as "The Year of Hope". The man behind me in the grocery store was making small talk with me and the cashier and he was the first to say it and tie into Obama. It struck a chord with me immediately. I told him how much I loved it and thanked him for sharing it with me. It reminded me of something that happened on Christmas morning. Sean & I had agreed to keep our gift giving very low key this year. We have a bad habit of going a little crazy with gifts for one another, so this year we agreed to keep it small and meaningful. We have a tradition of buying each other a personalized ornament every year for the holidays. I had a hard time picking one this year and told him we should just pick one together. We never got around to it, but on Christmas morning he had an ornament for me to open. It was an old-fashioned white mortar and pestle that you would see in a pharmacy. It has a red ribbon and it says in glittery red lettering 'Rx'. Sean had it personalized to say 'HOPE ~2009~' It took my breath away and I started bawling! Before the New Year had even arrived, Sean had already coined 2009 the year of hope.

Then, during Oprah's Best Life Week show on Monday, she also called 2009 the year of hope, the year hope will triumph. I seem to be noticing it every where.

I have decided to make this my mantra for 2009 - The Year Of Hope. May it be a year of hope for all you - may you find the hope that may be fading and grab on to it with all you have. May hope triumph over fear in 2009.

In honor or our President-Elect, in honor of the Year of Hope and in honor of each of us, some quotes~

"Hope – Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope! In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation. A belief in things not seen. A belief that there are better days ahead." ~Barack Obama

"Hope is not blind optimism. Hope is not ignorance of the difficulties of the task ahead or the hurdles that stand in your way… It’s just the opposite." ~Barack Obama

To better days...