Nesting as therapy

Well, things are cruising right along around here! We are 1 week from our EDD and as ready as we are going to get! I even managed to clean out that pesky tupperware cabinet last week. I am confident I can find more things to knock out around here, but as far as prep for Ralphie, we are all set!!!

Part of my nesting involved cleaning out my IVF cabinet which I had been putting off for my entire pregnancy. At first I suppose that was out of fear, but then it just became a fixture of my life and honestly, hard for me to let go of. I did coordinate a donation with another girl who is OOP and that felt great and yet I still felt the need to hang onto some of it. I donated meds that were set to expire, but anything that had at least 6mo left, I boxed up and put away along with all my sharps, gauze, alcohol pads etc... I don't really know why. It is pretty unrealistic that I would be ready to cycle again in 6 short months, especially since I plan to breastfeed for a year and yet, I just couldn't get rid of all those meds. It felt so familiar to handle them - I could smell them, I could feel the sting of the needle and the burn of the meds entering my bloodstream. It was bizarre.

As close as I am to holding my baby in my arms, I still have a big part of IF inside of me. I still cry every time I hear one of my IVF anthems - Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas, Broken by Lifehouse and Shattered by OAR bring me right back to my darkest days and reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for this holiday season. To all of those still in the trenches, I am thinking of you and wishing you strength during the holidays and hope for the new year!

Here it is! The 39w update and I am thinking it might be the last one...hopefully those words don't come back to bite me!

How am I feeling? Ready to meet my little one! A little sad that this part of my journey is coming to an end. I will miss being pregnant and hope I can experience it again some day. Still peeing an insane number of times per day! Fetal movement is sometimes painful as he/she runs out of room.

Milestones: The final days are here! It has passed me by in a flash...

Signs of Labor: YUP! I lost my mucus plug/had bloody show this morning!! Have had more braxton hicks over the past few days. At my 38w appt, I was 90% effaced, cervix was midline and soft and the baby was -2 station. No dilation. If I don't go into labor this weekend, I have my next internal on Monday! I know all this could mean nothing more than hurry up and wait, but it could also mean that labor is right around the corner. Either way, my body is working hard to get ready!

Cravings: I have been really hungry lately! Still eating my waffles daily and drinking my chocolate milk :)

What do I miss? Putting on my own socks :)

What am I looking forward to? The big day! So much anticipation...

Weight gain: 9lbs total - I have gained 4lbs in the past 2 weeks and MW thinks it is mostly fluid as my legs have been a little swollen. BP is perfect!!

What am I doing to help labor along? Drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea - at least 2 cups a day- and taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose Oil daily. Walking, having sex, bouncing on the yoga ball, doing squats, and eating spicy foods!
When does the family arrive? Wednesday!! I can't wait!

So that's it. I am thinking I may go into labor over the weekend - the 18th is my Dad's bday and he has been deceased since 2000, so that would be kind of special. We are also expecting a winter storm this weekend and that would be appropriate for our little snowbaby!

Thank you to everyone who responded to our poll and took a guess about Ralphie's birthday!

I am wishing all of you a very happy holiday season - may all your dreams come true!

One of the best days of my life!

I'm back! No excuses, just a terrible blogging slump. Life certainly has been eventful in the almost 2 months since I have graced you with my presence. Time continues to fly by and tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant! Can you even believe it? This little one will be here sooner than later, but hopefully right on time.

One of the biggest events in my life in the past few months was my baby shower! I can honestly say it was of the best days of my life - right up there with our wedding day and the day we found out we were pregnant. Sunday could not have been more perfect. My mom, my aunt, my childhood best friend and my mother-in-law were our hostesses and they did an amazing job. Everything was just perfect. The colors were sage green and chocolate brown to match our bedding, which I changed since my last post. I ended up going with Carter's Elephant Stitch bedding and I love it! The food was yummy, the favors were adorable and the cake - oh my goodness - it was the talk of the town! The favors were baby food jars with green and brown M&Ms, wrapped in tulle with green and brown ribbon and a little elephant tag. The centerpieces were mums and everything coordinated beautifully!

We were so blessed by the generosity of our family and friends. Little Ralphie is already one spoiled little babe. It is crazy to look around and have all this baby stuff in my house!!! The nursery furniture will be here a week from Saturday and then we can really get down to business.

Some of the highlights from my shower were the cake, which I really cannot say enough about, and some really touching personal gifts. Sean's Aunt Kathleen in Ireland was famous for her gorgeous baby blankets and sweaters. She was sick with cancer for many years and passed away the day after our wedding almost 6 years ago. Little did we know she had already made us a sweater and blanket and set them aside. Imagine our surprise to open such a beautiful package at our shower. The tears were flowing...The sweater and blanket are just gorgeous. I do not have a good photo of them, but I will try to remember to take a photo and share it. Along those same lines, my Great Aunt Sara has been in failing health for some time, and shortly after our wedding she began making us a gorgeous blanket. She was able to attend the shower, but her health is poor. Her daughter said this blanket is her last. Finally, Amanda who is 29w pregnant and now living in Maine (sniff) was unable to make the trip but it didn't stop her from sending me an amazing package from Piecemeal People. She made me a pair of elephants which match the bedding to a T and an incredible piece which says "hope". It is just amazing and captures perfectly this journey. Many of you may remember that we coined 2009 "The Year of Hope" and so it has been. The addition of "hope" to the nursery could not be more fitting. All in all, I could not have asked for a more special day.

A 32w update:

How am I feeling? Fantastic! An occasional bout of heartburn and some tingling in my hips at night is about all I have to report. BP is great. Feeling very fortunate in this department!

Milestones I am well into my 3rd tri and time is flying. If I were to go into labor now, the baby has a 95% of survival, which is incredibly reassuring. The baby weighs around 4lbs and is about 16in. long! The movement I can see and feel is unreal!

Cravings Milk - drinking a gallon per week. YUM

Aversions - None!!!

What do I miss? Being able to go more than 1 hour without a trip to the bathroom. I tallied my bathroom trips for 24 hrs and I went 17 times!!! Being able to put my socks and shoes on comfortably.

What am I looking forward to? Working on the nursery this weekend! Putting all the baby stuff in its place. Our couple's shower in 2 weeks. Of course, meeting this little one - but not quite yet!

Weight gain - 4lbs at my 30w midwife appt. I was told to start eating more calories so I am working on it. I definitely got my fair share at my shower :)

What do we think we are having? A boy and that seemed to be the general consensus at my shower. We even got a few boy specific gifts and I am not sure why...

Signs of labor? None!!

So, that it is my update. Thank you to those of you who checked in on me during my absence! Hope you are all well.

The Big Reveal

Today is a day I will remember forever. I saw my sweet, little baby's heart beating for the first time and it was an amazing site to see.

I was so anxious going in to my appt. and my clinic never makes you wait long and of course this morning we waited FOREVER! At one point Sean joked that he was going to hit the lights and get started without Dr. P. This made me crack up!

Dr. P finally came in and we got started. I am not sure I was even breathing. He turned the monitor towards him and right away he said, "It's good news! We have a heartbeat! There's only one!" Then, he turned the monitor towards us so we could take it all in. The baby is soooooo small, just a 1/2 cm, but the flicker of the heartbeat was very clear. Sean & I just stared in awe at the screen. Dr. P did not see anything that he thinks would have caused the bleeding, but did say I have a pocket of old blood that I could likely pass. At least I can be on the look out now.

After the u/s, Dr. P had us meet with him in his office where he told us the baby is measuring right on. He confirmed our EDD as Christmas Eve, said he was cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome, thanked us for helping his statistics :), gave us a few instructions and told us we would be "graduating" to our OB today. No more appts at the clinic. This caught me TOTALLY off guard. I definitely need to plan a visit in the next few weeks to see the girls that were off today and bring everyone a token of our appreciation.

Sean & I are both overjoyed, but I do have to say that neither one of had the big outpouring of emotion that I thought we would have. We were both very quiet during the u/s and during our meeting with Dr. P. We went out to lunch afterwards and we talked about how there is still a lot of unknown and leaving the security of the clinic has us feeling a little unsettled. They really cared for us and handled us with kid gloves and I just do not have that relationship with my OB. I know seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone and I am overwhelmed by all my emotions right now. We were both a little sad that Jack & Diane did not hang in there together and yet relieved that we will not face the risks of a multiple pregnancy at this point. As my mom said, we can always work up to that :)

So, without further ado, I present Baby Saucy or "Ralphie" if you prefer!

Now I need to start working on a new blog title!!!

100th Post!

Amazed. Joyful. Grateful. In awe. Happy. Smiling. Hopeful. Pregnant...

I have not felt this way in so very long. I cannot stop smiling, I cannot believe this is my life. There were days I thought this might never happen, that I might never feel such sheer joy ever again. I never want this feeling to end.

I know it is early, I know anything can still happen, but I am committed to enjoying each & every day of this pregnancy. There are things that are beyond my control, but I can't obsess over them. This is further than I have ever been before and for today, that is enough.

This is my 100th post & so much has happened in the last year and a half. There were some dark and bitter moments along the way & some glimmers of hope too.

It is amazing how much your life can change in just one week with just one phone call...

I can't even comprehend how much I already love this little baby growing inside of me. Can you believe that at just 4 weeks and 6 days, just 20 short little days of life, there is another heart beating inside of my own? It astounds me every time I think about it. I love that my baby's heart began beating today - the day of my 100th post - such a milestone on this long and painful journey.

When I began blogging I never imagined how much lay ahead of me - how many stories would move me to joyful tears or heartbreaking sobs, how many women would inspire me and root for me, how I would care so deeply for so many families I have never even met, how many friends I would make a long the way, or how much pain & heart break was would come with every failed cycle and mostly, I never could have imagined how much joy was awaiting me on this journey.

I am humbled by this miracle growing inside of me. I hope and pray everyday that this baby is a fighter, that he or she will grow big & strong, that my body gives this baby what it needs to thrive, that this will finally be our happy ending...

I feel like a new person & I like this woman very much!

4w4d - Beta #2

First things first, my 2nd beta was this morning and my levels have really taken off. My beta was 56 on Thursday and since they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, we were expecting a # between the mid100's-mid200's today. I was shocked and elated when my nurse told me my beta was over 600!!!!!!! Woo-hoo! Looks like I'm baking one tough, strong cookie! My nurse said it was a "beautiful and impressive number!" Doubling time of 28.35 hours. My p4 is over 30 which is also quite a jump from Thursday.

Sean & I spent the weekend on Cloud 9. We went to Barn.es and Noble on Friday and I picked up What to Expect and Your Pregnancy Week by Week and perused some pregnancy magazines. Sean even peeped at a baby name book! It melted my heart. You should have seen how proud I was walking through the store with my VERY OWN pregnancy books! I signed up for Baby.center and spent the weekend soaking up pregnancy related info. On Sunday, we went to the mall and even allowed ourselves to walk around PBK. Sean was so cute. He fell in love with the Lullaby Rocker! He has been joking all weekend that he is going to be working an awful lot over the next 8 months to afford all the cute things we Ooohed and Ahhhed over.

He has also been spoiling me rotten. He cleaned the whole first floor, did all the yard work, cooked and ordered to me to the couch & wouldn't let me lift a finger whenever we were home. He is very overprotective right now and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!

My parents are giddy. My stepfather has nicknamed the baby Ralphie and every time I call he says,"Ralphie's Mommy is on the phone!" We crack up every time, but have to remind him that Ralph is not even on our top 10,000.

Despite having a wonderful weekend, I had some major anxiety going into this morning's blood work. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting on my liner last night and this morning when I wiped there was some brown tinged mucous on the t.p. Most of my symptoms have been very mild and even subsided a little since last week. It was kind of a stressful morning - we had a toilet overflow and traffic and weather were terrible so my anxiety was SKY HIGH by time I got to my clinic. My nurse reassured me that the spotting was normal and might even be in part from switching from Endometrin to PIO (the endometrin was uber expensive and I already have 2 vials of PIO, so we switched).

Needless to say, my anxiety quickly switched to elation when I heard about my beta number. What a roller coaster!

Symptom Checker: boobs are much less sore than they were, but I have had a shooting pain in my left one on and off. Last night, I had a sharp, shooting pain/cramp on the left side of my lower belly. I fell asleep on the couch around 9pm which is super early for me, so I guess I was pooped. I am very thirsty and am drinking lots and lots of water. I feel kinda yucky ever since I ate lunch today - sorta like I have a stomachache. Super sharp sense of smell continues - I feel like I smell people's perfume, breath, detergent, shampoo etc...

My clinic doesn't want to see me again until NEXT Monday for another beta and my u/s is in approximately 2 weeks, but it is not on the scheduled yet. I guess I just need to try to relax and enjoy the next week and try not to stress too much about what is going on in there.

Still in awe..still amazing...back on Cloud 9! The Year of Hope has been very good to us so far...

7dp6dt - Calm **Updated***

Miraculously, the anxiety is gone & I feel calm going into beta tomorrow. I have felt this way all day today & hope it continues through the morning.

I was dangerously close to POAS last night, but alas, no sticks in the house and a certain package from a certain someone (you know who you are!) that is rumored to contain evil sticks did not arrive. The whole way home from work I'm thinking, "Ok, if the package is there, it is a sign from the universe to test. If not, I'm out of luck and I will wait until beta." Walked in, had to pee sooooo bad, had been holding it for hours and NO PACKAGE, NO STICKS, NO DICE! My fate was sealed, wait until beta.

Ever since, I have been calm, cool & collected.

Beta anytime between 7am-9am, going to Amanda's to occupy myself, results between 1-2pm...EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!

I feel good, I feel hopeful, I feel optimistic, & I am thinking positively. Everything went according to plan - good thaw, good growth, 2 blasts to transfer, one hatching on its own, good hormone levels, smooth transfer, nice lining, some possible symptoms/side effects, no breakdowns, no blood (which can be a good thing, but it terrifies me), no terrible sinking feeling...

Did I mention tomorrow is my doggy, Libby's, birthday? Transfer on Sean's birthday, results on Libby's birthday - works for me!

Please, oh please let tomorrow be the best day of our lives........

16 hours and counting!

*** the package has landed and it contains 2 HPTs from my angels Christi & Jill. One lucky mojo HPT from each of their BFP cycles. Sweetest gift ever, completely made my day and it totally making me rethink my plan ;)! I am off to work for several hours so that will give me some time to think...Thank you ladies!!!*****

5dp6dt

The weekend is over, the house guests are gone and my distractions have dried up. All in all, I am hanging in there. Feeling hopeful and positive. Not really obsessing too much. Not feeling the compulsive need to POAS and am leaning towards not doing it at all. No 2ww breakdowns - yet.

We had a really nice weekend with Sean's brother and family. We went out for crabs, went to a museum, out to one of our fave spots for Greek food, watched movies, laughed, talked family stuff, cooked & relaxed. Easter brunch at our house was lovely and it was a nice, relaxing day with family & friends. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter & holiday weekend.

This week is a regular week of tutoring for me & having a schedule & a routine is a good thing :)

Symptom checker: Yesterday I felt pretty normal all day long. Bad taste wasn't as noticeable. Boobs were a little sorer than normal and veiny at night. I had night sweats and woke up to pee twice. When I went back to bed after my 2nd potty trip, I had a very sharp and unusual pain on my left side.

Today: feeling lots of twinges & twangs in the uterus, especially on the left, but I can't say with certainty that it is any different than any other IVF cycle. Hungry! Boobs feel less sore today, but are large and I even broke my bra :) Popped the under wire right through! Tired, but we have been pretty busy since Friday. I have also been more than "regular" - I swear I'm like a puppy - feed me and 20 minutes later, potty break! TMI - sorry ;)

I feel like the signs from the universe continue smacking me in the face every time I turn around. The 10 yr old I tutor is reading a story about a mom having twins, the 17 year old just started the human reproduction unit - complete with pics of embryos, blasts, and fetuses- and the 13 year old just got the word "baby" for her 4th quarter project. The modern art museum went to had lots of fertility/mother related pieces. Realistically, I am probably just wayyyy more in tune to it than usual, but I like it all the same.

Overall, I feel hopeful and optimistic. I have managed to keep the doubt from creeping in too much. I am ready for it to be Thursday!

Hold on little ones...hold on.

3 days until Beta!!!

FET Madness - Transfer Day!!!

Transfer day is my favorite day of an entire cycle - I always feel so peaceful, content, hopeful and optimistic. I have my embies back home and that is the best feeling!

We called in this morning to discuss how many to transfer & the embryologist said there really wasn't much to decide on - we had 2 blasts and they recommended transferring both. Sounded good to us, but we are neurotic and had a billion more questions for her.

She explained that our mediocre blast from yesterday had actually expanded more and improved slightly though they were grading it a 4CC. You can read more about blast grading here, if you want to know more. 4 being pretty good, but the C's not so much. She said that they are changing so rapidly at this point that there could be improvement before transfer. They would be performing Assisted Hatching on this little guy to help him along.

The 2nd blast to transfer was a 6 BC - 6 being the best possible score. It was awarded this high score because it had already hatched on its own!!! Mommy & Daddy are so proud of you!

Another early blast had formed and they wanted to watch it for possible freeze, while the other early blast from yesterday had failed to progress.

We headed in with a full bladder for transfer at 11:30. Sean & I were feeling giddy with excitement that after 3 failed IVFs, we actually had some blasts to transfer. This is the furthest we have ever gotten and after a few anxious days, we are over the moon to have some blasts to put back!

Here's a couple pics of me before leaving for transfer today. The second one is me looking puffy and awful and downright giddy, but Sean says is cracks him up because it totally captures my joy over these little blasts. The first is of me and Libby, our first born, our best girl, the light of our lives...

They had more good news for us when we arrived, our little 4CC was changing and after using AH, they had improved their grade to a BC! While we are trying not to get too caught up in the grading system, we were still thrilled to see improvement. I have transferred perfect embryos before with no implantation and know of plenty of woman who have transferred ugly little ones and ended up pregnant with one, two or more. I am just beyond excited to have blasts - ugly, beautiful or anything in between!

Transfer was ultrasound guided and smooth as can be. Sean was able to come back with me and hold my hand the entire time, which was such a nice treat. Our clinic does not have private rooms for transfer, so if there is anyone is recovery from ER or also having ET, no husbands can come back for privacy reasons. We were late enough in the morning that it was pretty empty so we had the space all to ourselves.

Dr. P was thrilled that we had met our goal and grown 2 multi cells out to blast stage. He was optimistic and wished us well. The embryologist spent some more time talking with us and said they were really happy with the progression of the embryos and she put our odds of pregnancy around 40% or better. She said success rates for a regular FET with a multi celled embryo or thawed blast would be around 20%, so we effectively doubled our chances by getting the little ones to blast. She said it was as close to fresh cycle odds as we could get with the added benefit of FET being a much more natural state for the body to be in.

We got to see some pics of the blasts, though we did not ask to take them home. The clinic team has their own superstitions and they don't like to give pics to patients until a positive beta. In cycles 1 & 2, we bucked their system and took the pics, but this time, we are going with the flow and being superstitious right along with them :) We are nicknaming the blasts, but are torn between Jack & Diane and Ben & Jerry. Love them both. Thoughts?

I laid there for 30 minutes and was in agony by the end - I had to pee SO freaking bad it hurt. My blood work was in by time we left and my E2 was 249 and my P4 was 15.2. The nurse said those were perfect, though my P4 dropped off about 5 points since Weds, but if they are not worried, I am not worried. Anyone know what they like them to be at this stage of an FET?

I spent the ride home reclined in my seat and Sean has been pampering all day - he picked up white pizza and Greek salad for lunch which was yummy! He also bought me my favorite yogurt, fresh pineapple and bananas. I plan to stay flat on the couch all day today and probably tomorrow as well. The embryologist said my implantation window is 24-48 hours, so I should take it easy for the time being. We have a busy weekend ahead, so I plan to rest up while I can.

All in all, a very good day. Wishing my amazing husband, Sean, a very Happy Birthday today and hoping I can give him the greatest gift of all this year... I LOVE YOU!

Thank you ladies - your strength & support amazes me daily!

Beta in 8 days!

FET Madness - Day 19 - Growth Report

Today's call from the embryologist revealed that 2 of our embies are compacting and on their way to *hopefully* becoming blasts. One more is growing sloooooowly and the remaining 3 have yet to progress.

I remain hopeful for our 2 little strong ones to keep on doing their thing and grow big & strong.

I am a little sad for the ones that are left behind, but I fully expected there to be a drop off today.

The embryologist wants one more peek at them before deciding if tomorrow is the big day, so we call in the morning for the final decision. I am really hoping tomorrow is the day.

I would be lying if I said the nerves weren't kicking in a little bit. Going into the FET, I knew our goal was to have 2 of the 6 get to blast and while we seem to be on track for that, anything can still happen. 2 is such a small number in the grand scheme of things and a lot can happen to those little embies in the next 15 hours....Wishing, hoping and praying that those are our miracles in a petri dish!

We spent all of Sunday doing major spring cleaning and it felt so good to scrub, organize, air out and get rid of some clutter. We filed lots of paper work as well and I really felt like we got rid of some N.U.T.S - nagging unfinished tasks that were causing us STRESS! I told Sean over dinner that the cleaning was therapeutic for me. I felt like we were clearing out all the old energy and opening ourselves up to new, positive energy. Opening up channels for the Chi to flow - our hearts, minds, home and body are all open to accepting these embryos and the new life they bring.

We went out for chinese food and our fortune cookies both had the same message:
"All your hard work will soon pay off."

At the beginning of this FET, we went to P.F. Cha.ngs for lunch & my fortune read:
"Bide your time, for success is near."

Hoping, hoping, hoping!

FET Madness - Day 18 - Thaw Day

This morning I had to go feed the vampires to have my P4 checked. While we were there I asked if our embryologist was available to talk to us about the thaw. She came right out & said she had good news to report - all 6 frosties survived the thaw! Sean cracked a joke and said, "Yeah, we're from Buffalo. They like the cold." :)

She went on to explain that their definition of a successful thaw is if 50% of the embryo's original cell mass survives. All 6 passed with flying colors! Some maintained 100% of their cells and most lost just one cell. I don't have the specs in front of me, but we have 6 embies ranging from 5 cells - 10 cells. They do not grade them at this early stage, but they were all good quality going into the freezer. We get our next report @ 11am tomorrow! That report will dictate whether we go for transfer on Tues or Weds. We are getting excited!

I am feeling pretty good, but a few side effects are creeping up on me. The bloat has set in & I have been having a touch of insomnia from the prednisone. I started the doxy antiobiotic this morning and had a bit of heart burn from that. Of course, I am a goopy mess from the Endometrin. JOY! Ah well, I will take this any day over the stress and crummy side effects of a fresh cycle.

I do not think I am going to make my weight loss goal of 20lbs before transfer and I have made peace with that. I am still holding on @ 16lbs lost and I feel good about it. I kinda hit a plateau the last 3 weeks and the meds are not making it easy this time - I think it is the addition of the steroids.

In other related news, we had an interesting weekend. A good friend of mine (I wrote about her pg announcement here) had her baby on Friday afternoon and we decided to be brave and head to the hospital to visit with the new family on Saturday. I knew I was in the right mindset to do it and I really wanted to be there. I wasn't sure how I might be feeling about going during the 2ww hell or god-forbid after a negative beta, so I figured a visit now when I am feeling happy & hopeful was a good thing. I am glad we went. The baby is beautiful and I am so happy for E & S. It felt good to snuggle a newborn for a little bit and let myself pretend this might be us in 9 months or so...

The night the baby was born, I received a special message from Jeanine, an acquaintance E & I both have in common. We both taught her boys in elementary school and have stayed in touch over the years via fac.ebook. Jeanine struggled with multiple miscarriages almost 20 years ago and now has a beautiful family and is one of the kindest women I know. She took a moment out of her day to send me this message:

Hi!! Thinking about you tonight--I know when we were having trouble holding onto pregnancies, it was always hard when our friends had babies--even though we were so happy for them it made us yearn for a baby that much more! I know it won't be long until we are sending well wishes your way! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and can't wait to celebrate your little miracle!! Keep good thoughts!!!

It was one of the sweetest and most touching things anyone outside of my immediate circle has ever said to me. I was bawling when I read it. It was so amazing to know someone was thinking of me and my struggle at a time when we were all celebrating E & S and their new baby. I was over the moon for E & S, but it was bittersweet too, which I know I don't have to explain to anyone reading. I feel blessed to have such a wide network of love and support. Jeanine sent me another touching message today to say how excited she was to hear about the thaw. She just totally gets it, she has never forgotten pain and loss even though it was more than 20 years ago. She touched my heart this weekend.

Lots more to say, but I am pooped! I will save it for tomorrow's frostie update.

Thinking of my little embies tonight and hoping they are warm and toasty and growing so big & strong. Can't wait to bring them home...

FET Madness - Day 12

Nothing really new to report in FET-ville. On Saturday, I ramped up the Estrace to 3x per day & will stay at this dosage until my u/s on Wednesday morning. Feeling pretty normal, the night sweats have been rare and the Estrace has not zapped my se.x drive like it did during the mock. Ah, well the Endometrium suppositories will surely take care of that!

We ended up heading to Buffalo this past weekend to spend some time with the family before Donna's surgery. It was nice to see everyone and catch up. It was a lot of driving and a lot of visiting in 48 hours & I am pooped! I was so ready to head home yesterday. Sean said he was sick of talking and I agreed, but we still managed to find plenty to chat about on the 7 hour drive home.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers about my sister-in-law's surgery. Keep 'em coming! Her surgery tomorrow is early in the afternoon and will last a few hours. Our prayer right now is that they do not need to take out the entire colon and that the mass is benign. Even if those things are true, it is still a difficult surgery and she faces a lengthy recovery.

As for me, I am still full of hope. Probably more so than at any other time since our first IVF. I have been blessed by many wonderful friendships on this journey and two of those women were my angels this cycle. Jill & Christi both sent me meds for my FET. Seeing has how they are both happy & healthy pregnant women (Christi - expecting a girl in July!!! Jill - expecting twin boys shortly thereafter!!!), I am hoping some of their pregnancy mojo rubs off on me! Thank you ladies, your friendships mean the world to me and the meds were a generous gift! I hope to pay it forward someday (SOON)!

Hoping for a great lining check on Wednesday and looking forward to transfer (hopefully) at the end of the week/early next week. I am a little nervous about the thaw - how many will make it? Will the survivors thrive? Will we get any to our goal of blasts? Will they make it to transfer? How many? Trying to not focus too much on those things right now and just take it one day at a time.

Feel free to share your FET stories when you comment & please stop by Sprogblogger's blog and wish her a giant congratulations - a SURPRISE BFP while waiting for her FET! She is now the stuff of Internet legends - mosey on over and read her amazing story!! I do hope she bought a lottery ticket...

The Luck O' The Irish

What a week! I am still in awe over how everything came together. Join me for a recap?

Monday night Sean & I decided that if that tax return did not arrive before full flow, we were going to wait until next month. I felt mostly at peace with that decision, but I think we were both holding out hope that the tax return would surprise us.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, a high holy day in our household, and I called my in-laws to wish them well and double check my corned beef & cabbage and champ recipes. Rita was asking me if we had started our FET yet & I explained the whole situation. She then floored me by offering to lend us the money! She said we had waited long enough and that she knew we were sick & tired of the entire process and said that she would love to help us. I graciously thanked her and said I would discuss it with Sean. He was shocked. With 5 kids and 11 grandchildren, Sean's parents have kind of made it their rule not to lend money or be overly generous as it is hard to do for one and not do for all and they just aren't in a position to "do for all." They are amazing, kind, caring people and they would do anything for any of us, they just aren't financially secure enough to subsidize all of us, not should they. Needless to say, you could have knocked us over with a feather.

After discussing it, Sean decided he would like to take his parents up on their offer, but we weren't sure if they knew how much we needed or if they could cover it. Sean called them on Wednesday morning and they were indeed shocked by the amount and said they couldn't swing the whole thing, but would give us what they could. We graciously thanked them, but said we would just proceed with the original plan to wait it out. Again, we were disappointed, but not devastated and still holding out for the tax return. Full flow had held off too, so maybe it would all work out.

Sean's Dad called him back a few hours later to tell him that after checking into things, he found a CD that they had squirreled away some money into awhile go. Amazingly, the CD was going to be expiring in just 2 days, March 20, 2009, and he had to make a decision about what to do with it by the end of the week. It just happened to be EXACTLY the amount we needed and they wanted to extend their offer once again! We were excited, but we knew it could take a few days to transfer funds, we didn't know how much longer full flow would hold out and we had no idea if our clinic would allow us a few days of leeway.

I called my nurse ASAP and explained and she said that she was fine with us starting Estrace and paying later, but ultimately, the billing office had the final say. The billing office and I played phone tag all day Weds and we never caught up. I remained cautiously optimistic. Miraculously, no full flow yet!

First thing yesterday, I spoke to the billing office and explained everything to them and they agreed to let me begin my Estrace on CD 1 and pay them when ever my in laws were able to access the funds. They said they were really rooting for us and really wanted to extend the favor and were happy to do it. I was over the moon! She transferred me back to the nurse, I received all my instructions and she reminded me to call back with full flow to make it official.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, full flow had arrived! I called the nurse back and she had me come right in for blood work to recheck my prolactin and pick up me FET calendar. None of us could believe how well everything was working out!

So, it's official - FET #1 is under way! I started Estrace last night, my lining check is scheduled for April 1st and the clinic told me to keep the first week of April clear for transfer. I can't believe it all worked out!

Turns out my in-laws were given cash so Sean was able to pay the clinic in full today. I was nearly in tears when I called my mother-in-law to thank her for the 100th time. She is so happy and proud to have done it. Turns out, she was saving it to give to the funeral home to prepay on her funeral! She said this is a much nicer way to use the money and hopes it turns out to bring life instead of pay for death. We will pay them back ASAP, so she will have her funeral money after all, but she said she'd rather spend it on the baby :)

I find myself so damn full of hope again. What the hell happened to me? I think watching this cycle fall into place the way it did, got me all emotional and thinking about how this could be "meant to be" this time. I know, I know, I am getting wayyyyyyy ahead of myself here!

Speaking of way ahead of myself, I was early for our movie date last night, so I was browsing the pregnancy/infant aisle of the book store. I even sneaked a peek at a baby name book. I even announced to Sean that I was officially "one day pregnant". I am OUT OF CONTROL, but it is so fun and liberating and it feels so damn good to hope...

2 days pregnant and counting!

My 1st Blogoversary!

Today is my first blogoversary! It is hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I began writing and chronicling my IVF journey. When I go back and read my very first post, Maiden Voyage, I find myself sounding very naive and not too sure of my voice in the blogosphere. I was on the eve of IVF #1 and so optimistic.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.

Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:

• This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
• I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
• That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
• I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
• That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
• That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
• That doctors don't have all the answers.
• That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
• That miracles happen.
• That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
• That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
• To do without.
• To save more.
• That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
• That food is my drug of choice.
• To live more simply.
• That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
• That I am not ready to give up.
• That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
• That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
• That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
• That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
• That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
• That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
• That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
• That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
• That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
• That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
• That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
• That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
• That this is not the life I planned out.
• That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.

As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.

There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...

No Expectations

For the first time in many years I am looking forward to the New Year with no expectations. It's hard to believe, but it is true. I have plenty of hopes and dreams for 2009, but I am so over expecting any one outcome. These past few years have taught me there are just no guarantees for anything in life. People get cancer, people get sick, sometimes they heal and sometimes they don't, cycles fail, businesses fail, economies collapse, people die, there is birth, there is death, women miscarry, couples divorce, miracles happen, there is prosperity, there are hard times, holidays come and go, the seasons change, people lose their jobs, lose their homes, people land the job of a lifetime, build their dream home, move, buy, sell, lose weight, gain weight, there are storms and catastrophes, friends are made, friends are lost, life goes on...

2008 was a hard year for us and many of you. I can't pretend to know what 2009 will bring, but it is foolish to believe it will all be better just because it is a new year.

I am ready to put 2008 behind me and welcome in 2009, but I refuse to put a mountain of expectations upon it. I have learned the hard way and had my heartbroken too many times. I have spent too much time doing 'fertility math' and thinking when this happens or that happens I will be pg, have a 'x' month old, etc...

A new year is a wonderful new beginning, full of hope, but it is in no way a cure all. 2009 will arrive and I will still be infertile, Sean's dad will still have cancer, life will go on. A new year is not a guarantee that this will be "my year." I hope it will, I pray for it, I dream about it, but I no longer expect it.

Happy New Year my friends! May 2009 be a blessed year for you and your families. May your hopes and dreams come true!

A New Day

It is the morning of transfer and I am feeling much better. I needed to work through my emotions, anxiety and disappointment yesterday, but today I am ready, I am hopeful and I am exuding peace and trust.

All of your kind words and understanding helped me get over the worst of it. I did my IVF meditation and it helped me let go of the negativity as well. Dr. M called me at home to see how I was doing. He told me that there has been a lot of good things about this cycle and asked me to trust and have faith at this point. He said I have age on my side and hopefully a good embryo or 2 to work with...

I am usually one of the most positive people you will ever meet and I hate being in the dark place I was yesterday.

Transfer is at 3:15! For now, I am off to Barnes to pick up Breaking Dawn and B.lockbuster to pick up movies for bed rest. I will meditate one more time and Sean & I will get on the road. I am ready to being my embies home! Dr. M mentioned that if there are 2 good ones, he will be a big advocate of only tx those 2, Sean is pushing for 3. We'll see when we get there and take everything into consideration before we decide.

Thank you again for all the positive, supportive, hopeful words.

"Anxiety is space between 'now' and 'then'." ~ Richard Abell.