Do you remember when you & all your close friends were meeting your respective husbands? Do you remember calling your girlfriends and sharing in the excitement of meeting the "greatest" guy ever? How about when everyone was getting engaged? Do you remember the joyful, gushing conversations about proposal stories, rings, and setting dates? How about the hours of planning your wedding with your bridesmaids and closest friends - the dress, the colors, the flowers?!? You could have talked and traded stories and advice for hours. The best part though was knowing that you were among the first to know when these major life changing events happened those closest to you...
Infertility has taken that away from me. The same girls that called me within the first 15 minutes of meeting the man of their dreams, getting engaged and other major life events now avoid me like the plague when they have pregnancy news to share. They don't know what to say or how to say it, so instead of calling me the minute they're late, or as soon as they see the second pink line, I get an email weeks later. An email? Seriously? From people you have planned your lives with???
I am total hypocrite because in a way, I prefer the impersonal email to the "Big Announcement" over dinner, but I am angry that it has to be this way. Infertility stole my ability to be the happy, positive person I have always been, the ability to share in my friends' life changing news with appropriate joy and enthusiasm.
How I wish I could trade pregnancy stories together - "Oh, the nausea!", "Can you believe how big our boobs are??", "Have you seen the new cute maternity line at Motherhood?", "What stroller are you registering for?" I would love to relive our labor and delivery tales together and relish in each other's sleep deprived, hormonal induced moods. I long for outings to the mall with our strollers and diaper bags in tow. Infertility has stolen these close moments with my girlfriends from me. My best friend? Her daughter is 5. My best college friend? Her son is 2, her stepdaughters are 7 & 10, and they are working on getting pregnant with the next addition to their family. My sister-in-law? Just had number 3. A lesbian friend from college? Pregnant with her 1st. Sean's best friends? I've lost count of the babies and their ages, to be honest. Friends from work? Same is true there. And you must have guessed by now, more pregnancy news today via email- a close friend from my teaching days - pregnant with her first (married 2 years after me, of course)!
Am I happy for all of our friends and family? Of course! I love their children and my nieces and nephews fiercely. I would do anything for them, I am their biggest cheerleader. I am the one planning showers, the first one at the hospital with new-mommy survival guides in tow and organizing food for the first week home, offering babysitting services and advice when asked. But I am also the one left behind. The one no one knows quite what to say to, the one everyone tip toes around, the one that is now the last to know...
And yet when it is a infertile sister that finally, finally gets her BFP, I couldn't be happier. Their stories raise me up and replenish my hope. I shed tears of joy for them. I follow their pregnancy stories and ooh and ahh over u/s pics, and nursery pics and belly shots without an ounce of that same bitterness and self-pity that accompanies friends' pregnancies. What is wrong with me? What has infertility done to me???
Polyp update: Definitely doing the laser procedure & still waiting to get on the surgery calendar. Seems likely to happen late next week.