I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.
Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:
- This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
- I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
- That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
- I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
- That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
- That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
- That doctors don't have all the answers.
- That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
- That miracles happen.
- That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
- That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
- To do without.
- To save more.
- That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
- That food is my drug of choice.
- To live more simply.
- That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
- That I am not ready to give up.
- That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
- That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
- That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
- That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
- That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
- That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
- That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
- That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
- That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
- That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
- That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
- That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
- That this is not the life I planned out.
- That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.
As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.
There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...