Monday, January 26, 2009

My 1st Blogoversary!

Today is my first blogoversary! It is hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I began writing and chronicling my IVF journey. When I go back and read my very first post, Maiden Voyage, I find myself sounding very naive and not too sure of my voice in the blogosphere. I was on the eve of IVF #1 and so optimistic.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.

Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:
  • This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
  • I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
  • That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
  • I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
  • That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
  • That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
  • That doctors don't have all the answers.
  • That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
  • That miracles happen.
  • That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
  • That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
  • To do without.
  • To save more.
  • That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
  • That food is my drug of choice.
  • To live more simply.
  • That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
  • That I am not ready to give up.
  • That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
  • That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
  • That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
  • That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
  • That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
  • That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
  • That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
  • That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
  • That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
  • That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
  • That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
  • That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
  • That this is not the life I planned out.
  • That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.

As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.

There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...


Jill said...

(((HUGS))) I hope that in a year you can post something very, very different for your 2nd blogiversary.

Anonymous said...

Such a wonderful post. I got goosebumps reading through each bullet item. Each one of them... sooo true... and so real!
Congrats on your 1 year blogoversary. I hope and pray that by the 2 year mark you are either there or are well on your way to fulfilling your dream.

Clio said...

what a powerful post. There's sure so much we learn about ourselves in this journey, and how much better we feel to know that we have support out here.
Congrats on your first blogoversary.
Looking forward for your miracle happening soon And also sending you good thoughts for the decisions you guys have to make (mentioned in your previous post).

Maria (MKC101103) said...

My little FET miracle is sleeping in his pack-n-play right now. I pray your FET brings you your little miracle too. {{{HUGS}}}

Roses Daughter said...

((HUGS)) what a wonderful post. good luck with your FET. and congrats on your 1 year blogoversary!

Angie said...

OMG, I got goosebumps, too, reading through the've captured many of my thoughts in your eloquent words.

I hope and pray for you that this FET cycle brings you your miracle. Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

Angie said...

Oh and BTW, CONGRATS on your 1st blogoversary!!!!!! Love reading your posts! :-)

Mandibula said...

It is amazing how much we learn from this, how much we hurt and grow. I'm glad you're still chugging along.

ashley said...

You always know how to say what each and everyone of us is thinking and feeling. May the next year bring you happiness.

bunny said...

Happy Blogoversary! I loved reading your list- I felt like I could related to many of your "learnings". I hope your FET helps to make all of your dreams come true.

Lisa said...

EMILY - YOU ARE AWESOME! What a great post - Happy Anniversary and you and your blog help to keep me going.

bb said...

Happy Blogoversary! I am so glad you are here. Your blog is what intrigued me and gave me courage to start my own. I have enjoyed it so much.

And your list, it really hit home. I am so different now because of this IF stuff. In some ways we are all so much stronger, but then there are those things we wish we could get back about ourselves (and maybe we will one day). I definitely relate.

Here's to your upcoming FET and another year in the blogosphere!

L said...

I couldn't imagine anything better said. I am just getting started on this journey, and I have already noticed many of the things you said. The naivity, the hope, the hurt..the unbelievable bond you create with people you have never "met". I am in a new city without a lot tangible friends. This IF community is going to be a great form of support for me. Reading your bullets helps to prepare me also.
Thank you for sharing. I have such hope for you guys.

Chhandita said...

I hope the second blogoversary brings with it laughter and joy -- that only a child can bring. I love reading your blog and you give so many people so much strength.

RMCarter said...

How similar we are... I am coming up on my 100th Post, and have imagined myself writing a similar entry, right up to revisiting my very first post. :)

Just about every point you made I have felt in my heart, and I hope this next year brings you unmeasurable joys.

Sky said...

It would be so ironic if these lovely embryos became your babies, wouldn't it?

Well, maybe that's just what's going to happen and in some strange way in this universe of wonder, it'll all makes sense.

Wishing you 2 bright pink lines with the FET and labor in nine months! :)

Fallopian 'Tudes said...

I loved your list, it's all so true, lemme go back and read it over again... Take care.
(here from LFCA)

Lisa said...

Happy Blogoversary!! I love reading what you write.

Mine is in about a month and a half and, it's funny, I had started to compose a very similar post as yours, in my head! It is amazing what we learn in this process....

On My Mind 24/7 said...

Hi there, over from Lost and Found. Congrats on your 1 year blogoversary! Look at all you have been through in one year, happy times, and sad times. A stronger marriage is a great thing, to look back and see how you've grown together. I hope you follow your heart in your persuance of a child. Sending you hugs!

Just Another Infertile said...

Happy 1st Blogoversary!

I'm sorry you are not where you wanted to be, but remember you are that much closer to your goal than you ever were a year ago.

I think it would be great if those first embryos you created were your little miracles after all.

Cassandra said...

Happy Blogoversary. I hope that the next year brings even more wisdom, but won through new happy experiences instead of hard lessons.

Lost in Space said...

What an awesome post, Emily. You truly captured my thoughts and feelings and wrote it all so beautifully.

Congrats on your first blogoversary. I recently "celebrated" mine and had the same hope of my blog becoming a pregnancy blog after IVF#1. I wish I had found you back then. I will definitely be here for this year and hoping your totcicles are babies in your arms for blogoversary #2.

bunny said...

Hi Emily!

Thanks for all your wonderful and supportive comments.

Since you asked, he got a Volvo XC90 (used). We also looked at the Murano (very nice) and I like the Chevy that is in the ad with the girl who want "the big girl seat", but I haven't seen one in person. My husband is really tall- 6'4" so he needed to find a car he "fit" in. I don't get it, but he insists...

Hope that we are both filling our familymobiles soon!


My open roads said...

wishing for the best result for you!!!

Jill said...

I'm so glad you have hope. :) I hope your 2nd blogoversary is very different from this one. Wishing lots and lots of great things for you over this next year!

P.S. You are the best blog writer. Everytime I read something you post, I'm just amazed at how well you articulate such important thoughts and feelings. Always glad to read along. Thanks!!

Confessions of a Wandering Soul said...

I was nearly on the brink of giving up hope that I would be blessed someday to be a mother. Your blog gave my hope,in all its full glory, back to me.Thank you!

momsoon said...

I have just read your blog and am blown away as it could have been written by me-our journeys have been very similar (regrettably)...especially the bullet items, we share so much on this path.W
When I read your blog I am hopeful for you!!!! I see a happy ending for you and that gives me the hope that I have such trouble tapping into for myself...I have just started a blog for the same support that you describe thanks for in your post and I want you to know I will be following your journey and rooting for you along the way. sending you warm thoughts...