Monday, March 30, 2009

FET Madness - Day 12

Nothing really new to report in FET-ville. On Saturday, I ramped up the Estrace to 3x per day & will stay at this dosage until my u/s on Wednesday morning. Feeling pretty normal, the night sweats have been rare and the Estrace has not zapped my se.x drive like it did during the mock. Ah, well the Endometrium suppositories will surely take care of that!

We ended up heading to Buffalo this past weekend to spend some time with the family before Donna's surgery. It was nice to see everyone and catch up. It was a lot of driving and a lot of visiting in 48 hours & I am pooped! I was so ready to head home yesterday. Sean said he was sick of talking and I agreed, but we still managed to find plenty to chat about on the 7 hour drive home.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers about my sister-in-law's surgery. Keep 'em coming! Her surgery tomorrow is early in the afternoon and will last a few hours. Our prayer right now is that they do not need to take out the entire colon and that the mass is benign. Even if those things are true, it is still a difficult surgery and she faces a lengthy recovery.

As for me, I am still full of hope. Probably more so than at any other time since our first IVF. I have been blessed by many wonderful friendships on this journey and two of those women were my angels this cycle. Jill & Christi both sent me meds for my FET. Seeing has how they are both happy & healthy pregnant women (Christi - expecting a girl in July!!! Jill - expecting twin boys shortly thereafter!!!), I am hoping some of their pregnancy mojo rubs off on me! Thank you ladies, your friendships mean the world to me and the meds were a generous gift! I hope to pay it forward someday (SOON)!

Hoping for a great lining check on Wednesday and looking forward to transfer (hopefully) at the end of the week/early next week. I am a little nervous about the thaw - how many will make it? Will the survivors thrive? Will we get any to our goal of blasts? Will they make it to transfer? How many? Trying to not focus too much on those things right now and just take it one day at a time.

Feel free to share your FET stories when you comment & please stop by Sprogblogger's blog and wish her a giant congratulations - a SURPRISE BFP while waiting for her FET! She is now the stuff of Internet legends - mosey on over and read her amazing story!! I do hope she bought a lottery ticket...

Monday, March 23, 2009

FET Madness Day 5

Nothing too crazy going on. 4 doses of Estrace down and I was not having any side effects until last night when I woke up soaked to the bone. Ahhh...night sweats. Lovely.

We had a delightful weekend - fun, friends, food and relaxing. I maxed out on caffeine, spl.enda, red wine, sodium and nitrates. I probably gained 5lbs! I am back on the straight and narrow and off all the bad stuff - I am 5 days pregnant after all and wouldn't want to harm the frosties! Still my goal to be down 20lbs before transfer, so I've got some work to do.

The kids I tutor for are done with Spring Break, so it is back to regularly scheduled programming for me. I was really loving being home in the evenings with Sean - it is such a foreign concept to us. He has always worked super long days and would rarely get home before 9:30 and I usually tutor until around 9 myself. With spring break and Sean's new work schedule, we were beside ourselves! Oh well, only 3 more months of school and then on to summer schedule tutoring.

We are likely heading to Buffalo this weekend. Sean's oldest sister is having half of her colon removed on the 31st and the whole family is pretty stressed and nervous. We would like to spend some quality time with everyone before the surgery. We are praying for a good outcome and a speedy recovery for her!

Trying to focus on all positive things right now! I am so happy Spring is here and am anxiously awaiting warmer weather, flip flops and capris! The next month should fly by - we have a lot going on - Buffalo, transfer, family visiting for Easter, hopefully a BFP... (a girl can dream, can't she?)

Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Luck O' The Irish

What a week! I am still in awe over how everything came together. Join me for a recap?

Monday night Sean & I decided that if that tax return did not arrive before full flow, we were going to wait until next month. I felt mostly at peace with that decision, but I think we were both holding out hope that the tax return would surprise us.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, a high holy day in our household, and I called my in-laws to wish them well and double check my corned beef & cabbage and champ recipes. Rita was asking me if we had started our FET yet & I explained the whole situation. She then floored me by offering to lend us the money! She said we had waited long enough and that she knew we were sick & tired of the entire process and said that she would love to help us. I graciously thanked her and said I would discuss it with Sean. He was shocked. With 5 kids and 11 grandchildren, Sean's parents have kind of made it their rule not to lend money or be overly generous as it is hard to do for one and not do for all and they just aren't in a position to "do for all." They are amazing, kind, caring people and they would do anything for any of us, they just aren't financially secure enough to subsidize all of us, not should they. Needless to say, you could have knocked us over with a feather.

After discussing it, Sean decided he would like to take his parents up on their offer, but we weren't sure if they knew how much we needed or if they could cover it. Sean called them on Wednesday morning and they were indeed shocked by the amount and said they couldn't swing the whole thing, but would give us what they could. We graciously thanked them, but said we would just proceed with the original plan to wait it out. Again, we were disappointed, but not devastated and still holding out for the tax return. Full flow had held off too, so maybe it would all work out.

Sean's Dad called him back a few hours later to tell him that after checking into things, he found a CD that they had squirreled away some money into awhile go. Amazingly, the CD was going to be expiring in just 2 days, March 20, 2009, and he had to make a decision about what to do with it by the end of the week. It just happened to be EXACTLY the amount we needed and they wanted to extend their offer once again! We were excited, but we knew it could take a few days to transfer funds, we didn't know how much longer full flow would hold out and we had no idea if our clinic would allow us a few days of leeway.

I called my nurse ASAP and explained and she said that she was fine with us starting Estrace and paying later, but ultimately, the billing office had the final say. The billing office and I played phone tag all day Weds and we never caught up. I remained cautiously optimistic. Miraculously, no full flow yet!

First thing yesterday, I spoke to the billing office and explained everything to them and they agreed to let me begin my Estrace on CD 1 and pay them when ever my in laws were able to access the funds. They said they were really rooting for us and really wanted to extend the favor and were happy to do it. I was over the moon! She transferred me back to the nurse, I received all my instructions and she reminded me to call back with full flow to make it official.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, full flow had arrived! I called the nurse back and she had me come right in for blood work to recheck my prolactin and pick up me FET calendar. None of us could believe how well everything was working out!

So, it's official - FET #1 is under way! I started Estrace last night, my lining check is scheduled for April 1st and the clinic told me to keep the first week of April clear for transfer. I can't believe it all worked out!

Turns out my in-laws were given cash so Sean was able to pay the clinic in full today. I was nearly in tears when I called my mother-in-law to thank her for the 100th time. She is so happy and proud to have done it. Turns out, she was saving it to give to the funeral home to prepay on her funeral! She said this is a much nicer way to use the money and hopes it turns out to bring life instead of pay for death. We will pay them back ASAP, so she will have her funeral money after all, but she said she'd rather spend it on the baby :)

I find myself so damn full of hope again. What the hell happened to me? I think watching this cycle fall into place the way it did, got me all emotional and thinking about how this could be "meant to be" this time. I know, I know, I am getting wayyyyyyy ahead of myself here!

Speaking of way ahead of myself, I was early for our movie date last night, so I was browsing the pregnancy/infant aisle of the book store. I even sneaked a peek at a baby name book. I even announced to Sean that I was officially "one day pregnant". I am OUT OF CONTROL, but it is so fun and liberating and it feels so damn good to hope...

2 days pregnant and counting!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Luck Be a Lady

I have AMAZING news! Everything worked out, today is CD 1 and I start Estrace tonight! I am on a caffeine binge today :) It is a longish and complicated story and since I have date night with my loving husband tonight, I will save the details for tomorrow, but, let's just say the Luck O' the Irish has been with us all week! Off to a free screening of Kno.wing. What's better than free? Oh, I dunno maybe getting a BFP?!?! Here we go again...

The Year of Hope is alive & well in my house tonight!

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I am supposed to start FET #1 on CD1. The good news? I am spotting and full flow is close. The very bad news? Our tax return has not arrived yet. The problem? We planned on using our return to pay the balance due on our FET & clinic won't let me start Estrace until I am paid in full. Things are tight right now with Sean just starting a new job and the return is the only way we can swing this cycle for time being.

I am trying to hold out hope that the $ will arrive before full flow, but it is not looking good. The state tax website is not showing us in the system yet and says that the average wait time is 4 weeks and we are only two and half weeks in. I am very disappointed.

I am torn between borrowing the money from my mom or just sucking it up and waiting for my April cycle. Waiting another 4 weeks is not the end of the world, but I already lost a month in December when I messed up my BCP, got AF early and could not start mock cycle because I was out of town and it was Christmas Eve. My mom would lend us the money, but she already made some horribly cliche comment about how maybe it was meant to be this way and maybe I should take it as an additional opportunity to continue losing weight. I know she didn't mean to sound insensitive and that she was kind of only echoing what I have been saying about my own weight loss, but jeezey peezy! I am down 16.2lbs and was hoping to be down 20 before transfer and I still think that is possible even if I do begin my FET this week. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

If we decide to wait, I think we all know how this will go down - $ will arrive 2 days after full flow and then some crazy cash emergency will arise and I will have to use the FET $ for that instead and I will be stuck in waiting-to-cycle-hell! Ugh!

Possibly the ugliest part of it all is that I have had the worst PMS ever. I seriously felt like I was on PIO - sore boobs, super bloated, tired, cravings, the whole nine yards. I am sure you can deduce all the crazy things that have been running through my mind. I know it is the Year of Hope and all, but I was off the deep end; I was teetering on the edge of the Year of Delusions!

For now, I wait & hope that full flow stays at bay and Uncle Sam comes through with a last minute Hail Mary...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Baby Shower

Saturday was my good friend's baby shower. I chose to go because I wanted to be there to celebrate with a dear friend and her family. I knew it would be tough, but I tried to steel myself before arriving. I decided to carpool with another friend for a little moral support of my own.

In some ways it was harder than I thought it would be, but it wasn't tough in the ways I expected. I thought the cutesy baby games, the gushing over tiny pink outfits and the incessant newborn chatter would leave me gritting my teeth and fighting back tears. I was wrong, it was the small quiet moments that had me fighting tears and needing to step outside to get myself together.

The first moment was when my friend and her hubby arrived. You would think the sight of her big, beautiful belly would have gotten me; but no, it was the way her husband beamed with adoration when he looked at her, the way his hand lingered on her belly when he hugged her goodbye. It was the way they looked so full of joy, so full of life and expectation. My breath caught in my throat when I realized that might never be us. Sean & I may never have the opportunity to walk into our shower surrounded by the love and generosity of family and friends - smiling, happy, joyful. He may never see me pregnant, swollen, glowing, brimming with life. His hand may never rest on my belly feeling our baby kick and move within. My heart broke a little more imagining how empty our lives would always feel.

More sadness came when I saw how proud her mom was to be a first time grandmother. She made them 3 handmade beautiful quilts - one for home and one for each gramma's house. She was beaming and so very excited about all the memories to be made with her grandchildren. I am an only child, my mom wants to be a gramma almost as much as I want to be a mommy. I want her to revel in the joy of being the expectant grandmother at her daughter's shower. I want her to pamper and protect me when I am 8 months pregnant. I want to share that bond with her and yet I need to come to terms with what might never be...

There used to be a time when I went to baby showers and could easily imagine what mine would be like, what it would be like to be pregnant, decorate a nursery, ooooh and ahhh over tiny little outfits and for the first time, it all seemed so foreign to me. Just more what ifs...

Despite my sadness and wallowing in my own self pity, I managed to make it through and even marginally enjoy myself. I am truly happy for my friend and am glad that I was able to celebrate this milestone with her.

The highlight? My gift was a hit! I managed to avoid Ba.bies R U.S by having Amanda make custom artwork to match the baby's nursery. I think she did an amazing job and the artwork was the talk of the shower. Click here to see more of her work, and in her words, "If you can dream it, I can glue it!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

I'd like to thank the academy...

I have recently been tagged by a few of my wonderful readers for two awards/memes. Thank you ladies so much for thinking of me and especially for reading, commenting and supporting me on my blogging/IVF journey.

The first award is the Honest Scrap Award.

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I would like to nominate the following ladies for this award:

1. Lisa @ Helping Make Sense

2. Just Me @ You Call Me a Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing

3. Sarah @ Bulge to Bump

4. Michelle @ In Pursuit of Parenthood

5. Susan @ Sprogblogger

6. Jill @ Desperately Seeking Spawn

7. Christi @ Our Journey

10 honest things about me:

1. I still have my baby blanket and sleep with it every night.

2. I love houses & sometimes wish I had been a real estate agent just so I could be in different houses all the time.

3. I love going to the movies and would go every weekend if I could.

4. I have to see all my options before making a decision - ex. I found the wedding invites I loved in the first book, but I still needed to look @ every book in the stationary store before I could make it official.

5. I love buying cards for people and put a lot of time & thought into it. It bugs me when others do not.

6. I can come off as a "know-it-all" & I dislike that about myself.

7. I am "old" for my age & always have been.

8. I want to be an ultra.sound technician when I "grow up" & I would love to work for an REs office.

9. I don't know it adoption is for me, but I don't know if child free living is either.

10. Pretty much addicted to faceb.ook, Ameri.can Idol, The Bach.elor,, blogging, So You You Can Da.nce, Brother's & Sis.ters, Grey's Ana.tomy & Hero!

The Sisterhood Award

I have been nominated for this award by Sprogblogger & Chhandita. Thank you ladies!
Here are the rules -put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.
I would like to nominate all of my readers for this award. This really is a sisterhood and your strength and support get me through my darkest days. Thank you!