Well, this is awkward...

Hello there, friends. One thing is for sure, it has been far too long...almost two years, in fact.

So, where do I begin? I guess I should prepare you, my dear

readers (if indeed anyone is still out there, hello???), for a possible punch in the gut...

You see I am "one of those" infertiles. You know the ones we all love to hate, the stuff of urban legends and the origin of "just relax" and it will happen...IT happened and I am now a mom, of not one, but TWO gorgeous girls

.

Lydia Kathleen was born on August 31, 2011 in a home away from homebirth, (but that is a crazy story for another day!). She was our surprise BFP, our Christmas "miracle", our 2% chance you will ever conceive on your own, jackpot winner. Apparently Sean's varicocele embolization worked better than we ever could have dreamed.

The long and short of it goes like this: it was Christmas 2010 and I was still nursing Eliza who was about to turn 1. I had a few postpartum periods, but the thought of TTC had never even crossed our minds. We loved being parents and we were quite busy with Eliza. A few days after Christmas it dawned on me that my period might be late. There was a nagging voice in the back of my head that told me I was pregnant, but I refused to believe it. How could I possibly be pregnant?! the voice wouldn't go away so, while I was doing some last minute shopping for Eliza's 1st birthday, I grabbed a few HPTs.

I didn't even take my coat off before I ran to the bathroom to POAS. It popped up positive immediately & I shouted to Eliza, still bundled in her infant seat, "I KNEW IT!!!" I scooped her up, pee stick in hand and we drove to Sean's office to share the joyous news. Long time readers might remember this post, where I surprised Sean at his office to share our BFP news. This was becoming a habit!

Needless to say, I didn't make a public announcement this time, I simply called him down to the car to meet me. He was shocked, I was shocked. We were thrilled, but nervous. Could we really be pregnant on our own after 5yrs, severe mfi, a damaged tube, a history of uterine polyps, 3 failed fresh ivfs & an fet???

Yes, yes we were & after an uneventful pregnancy & very eventful labor & delivery, 3 became 4 and here we are today. Parents of two girls, Eliza & Lydia. It still takes my breath away.

There is so much I want to share with you about my girls. About what an incredible two years it has been, about Eliza & how she has brought us joy each & every day. About her sign language, her huge vocabulary & her funny, expressive personality. About what an amazing sister she is. About our sleep struggles. About her tethered cord syndrome & surgery. I want you to know all about Lydia & how easy going she is. How breastfeeding is a million times easier. About how having 2 kids under 2 is the craziest, most stressful, most rewarding, most incredible thing I have ever done. I want to tell you so much, but I don't even know where to start...

Thankfully, Sean did know just where to start. The ladies have inspired my husband to blog about life as their daddy. And an incredible daddy he is. My girls and I are lucky to have such a caring, loving, affectionate & selfless man in our lives. I never, ever took Sean as the blogging type, but he is hooked! His blog is pretty amazing stuff if you ask me, but I'm a little biased. Head on over to mydaddymydaddy.com & check it out. Leave him a little comment love while you're there! He also tweets @mydaddymydaddy.

Reading his blog has reminded me how much I loved blogging & how much I missed it & how emotional it is. Honestly, it's been tough to revisit some of the darker days of our journey. It has also made these days so much sweeter.

So what about this blog? To be honest, I'm not sure what the future of this blog is. I may keep it & rework it, I may close it & begin anew. For now, I am looking forward to catching up with my blogroll!

A few more pics...

photography by Timeless Treasures www.todayisatreasure.com

Nesting as therapy

Well, things are cruising right along around here! We are 1 week from our EDD and as ready as we are going to get! I even managed to clean out that pesky tupperware cabinet last week. I am confident I can find more things to knock out around here, but as far as prep for Ralphie, we are all set!!!

Part of my nesting involved cleaning out my IVF cabinet which I had been putting off for my entire pregnancy. At first I suppose that was out of fear, but then it just became a fixture of my life and honestly, hard for me to let go of. I did coordinate a donation with another girl who is OOP and that felt great and yet I still felt the need to hang onto some of it. I donated meds that were set to expire, but anything that had at least 6mo left, I boxed up and put away along with all my sharps, gauze, alcohol pads etc... I don't really know why. It is pretty unrealistic that I would be ready to cycle again in 6 short months, especially since I plan to breastfeed for a year and yet, I just couldn't get rid of all those meds. It felt so familiar to handle them - I could smell them, I could feel the sting of the needle and the burn of the meds entering my bloodstream. It was bizarre.

As close as I am to holding my baby in my arms, I still have a big part of IF inside of me. I still cry every time I hear one of my IVF anthems - Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas, Broken by Lifehouse and Shattered by OAR bring me right back to my darkest days and reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for this holiday season. To all of those still in the trenches, I am thinking of you and wishing you strength during the holidays and hope for the new year!

Here it is! The 39w update and I am thinking it might be the last one...hopefully those words don't come back to bite me!

How am I feeling? Ready to meet my little one! A little sad that this part of my journey is coming to an end. I will miss being pregnant and hope I can experience it again some day. Still peeing an insane number of times per day! Fetal movement is sometimes painful as he/she runs out of room.

Milestones: The final days are here! It has passed me by in a flash...

Signs of Labor: YUP! I lost my mucus plug/had bloody show this morning!! Have had more braxton hicks over the past few days. At my 38w appt, I was 90% effaced, cervix was midline and soft and the baby was -2 station. No dilation. If I don't go into labor this weekend, I have my next internal on Monday! I know all this could mean nothing more than hurry up and wait, but it could also mean that labor is right around the corner. Either way, my body is working hard to get ready!

Cravings: I have been really hungry lately! Still eating my waffles daily and drinking my chocolate milk :)

What do I miss? Putting on my own socks :)

What am I looking forward to? The big day! So much anticipation...

Weight gain: 9lbs total - I have gained 4lbs in the past 2 weeks and MW thinks it is mostly fluid as my legs have been a little swollen. BP is perfect!!

What am I doing to help labor along? Drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea - at least 2 cups a day- and taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose Oil daily. Walking, having sex, bouncing on the yoga ball, doing squats, and eating spicy foods!
When does the family arrive? Wednesday!! I can't wait!

So that's it. I am thinking I may go into labor over the weekend - the 18th is my Dad's bday and he has been deceased since 2000, so that would be kind of special. We are also expecting a winter storm this weekend and that would be appropriate for our little snowbaby!

Thank you to everyone who responded to our poll and took a guess about Ralphie's birthday!

I am wishing all of you a very happy holiday season - may all your dreams come true!

My 1st Blogoversary!

Today is my first blogoversary! It is hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I began writing and chronicling my IVF journey. When I go back and read my very first post, Maiden Voyage, I find myself sounding very naive and not too sure of my voice in the blogosphere. I was on the eve of IVF #1 and so optimistic.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that I NEVER, EVER thought I would be sitting here today with 3 failed IVFs under my belt. There are days when I still don't believe it. I thought I would be pregnant in a matter of weeks and my brand new IVF blog would become my "pregnancy post IVF" blog and I would be sitting here rocking my newborn by the time my one year blogoversary came around.

Here I sit, no baby in my arms, but always in my heart and on my mind. In some ways, no closer to having that baby today than I was one year ago. To say I have learned a lot in this past year would be an enormous understatement. I have learned:

• This is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
• I am stronger person than I ever believed I was.
• That my heart breaks a little more with each failed cycle and I'm afraid it will never be put back together again.
• I am not the positive, happy, glass half-full kind of girl that I always used to be. I try to be, but I think a piece of that girl is gone forever.
• That my marriage is strong and getting stronger each day.
• That shots don't hurt nearly as much as I thought they would.
• That doctors don't have all the answers.
• That "perfect" cycles fail and ugly ones produce beautiful results and it is all out of our control.
• That miracles happen.
• That my faith in God has been shaken and I don't know if it can be fixed.
• That I have had to let go of my need for control and planning.
• To do without.
• To save more.
• That the big house and the cars and the jewelry and the gadgets don't matter and they are not a substitute for the one thing we want more than anything in this world.
• That food is my drug of choice.
• To live more simply.
• That we still don't know if adoption is for us.
• That I am not ready to give up.
• That I would go to the ends of the earth for a chance to have a biological child.
• That my friends and family love and support us more than I ever knew was possible.
• That the IF community is brimming with the bravest, strongest, most caring, kindest, supportive women I have ever known in my life.
• That I count on those women for support and advice and inspiration each & every day.
• That my heart could break for a "stranger" in another city.
• That my heart could burst with joy when one of you is blessed with your miracle.
• That I would laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with women I have never "met."
• That horrible, heartbreaking things happen to people who have already been tested over and over again.
• That even after 3 failed cycles, I still believe this will work for us & I am not ready to think about what if it doesn't.
• That HOPE is powerful and gets you through some dark days.
• That PIO sucks and its side effects are a cruel joke.
• That there is always someone going through something worse than you.
• That this is not the life I planned out.
• That infertility has changed me and made the hole in my heart a little bigger and little more jagged around the edges.

As I reflect today, I want to thank you all for being here, for reading and commenting and lifting me up when I am down, for sharing your dreams and baring your souls, for holding up hope when I can't, for thinking of me and praying for me and cheering me on; thank you for being my strength and my inspiration and my friend.

There is something ironic about being in a mock cycle preparing for an FET on my 1 year blogoversary. When I start my FET in a few weeks, it will be with the little embryos that were made almost a year ago, when I was so full of hope and the power of medicine and miracles that I thought I would burst with expectations. Today, no expectations (as I promised myself going into 2009), but there is always hope...

A New Day

It is the morning of transfer and I am feeling much better. I needed to work through my emotions, anxiety and disappointment yesterday, but today I am ready, I am hopeful and I am exuding peace and trust.

All of your kind words and understanding helped me get over the worst of it. I did my IVF meditation and it helped me let go of the negativity as well. Dr. M called me at home to see how I was doing. He told me that there has been a lot of good things about this cycle and asked me to trust and have faith at this point. He said I have age on my side and hopefully a good embryo or 2 to work with...

I am usually one of the most positive people you will ever meet and I hate being in the dark place I was yesterday.

Transfer is at 3:15! For now, I am off to Barnes to pick up Breaking Dawn and B.lockbuster to pick up movies for bed rest. I will meditate one more time and Sean & I will get on the road. I am ready to being my embies home! Dr. M mentioned that if there are 2 good ones, he will be a big advocate of only tx those 2, Sean is pushing for 3. We'll see when we get there and take everything into consideration before we decide.

Thank you again for all the positive, supportive, hopeful words.

"Anxiety is space between 'now' and 'then'." ~ Richard Abell.

Home from Egg Retrieval

We are home from ER and they got 11 eggs! I am thrilled. I was hoping for 8+ so 11 is wonderful. I am nothing if not consistent. I have had between 9 -11 with each cycle so far. I do not know anything about maturity at this point.

I will get my first fertilization report tomorrow between 12pm-3pm.

We are excited to hear about Sean's semen analysis results as well. This is his first one since the varicocele embolization. The lab tech knew we were nervous so she popped her head in and said, "The sample is looking great!" I have no idea what that means, but we'll take it.

My in-laws were on the road before we got home, so I was relieved. Sean is making me some eggs and toast for breakfast. It is a chilly, windy day and we are looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and resting. I am also hoping to finish Eclipse today!

That's Our Story And We're Sticking To It!!

Sean and the guys are playing cards and having a few beers. Sean decided to casually ask what time they are thinking about getting on the road. They said 9ish. Sean dropped his voice and said, "Well, Emily is having a little procedure tomorrow -you know 'female stuff' -and we have to get on the road kinda early. Not sure when we'll be home or how she'll be feeling, so I hope you don't mind seeing yourselves out. Em feels really bad about not being here and she didn't even want to have to tell anyone she was having another procedure, so let's not bring it up at all..."

Something to that effect anyway. They bought it hook, line and sinker! They are men after all and they are drinking beer and any talk of "female stuff" freaks them right out. Hopefully they don't run home and tell the wifeys because then it will be 20 questions. Oh well, buys me a few days anyway! Thanks for all the ideas!

They had a fantastic time at the Navy vs. Notre Dame game today and a great visit overall. I, on the other hand, am ready to have my house back. From left to right - my father in law -Chuck, my hubby, my nephew -Vinny and brother-in-law- Dave

I am feeling ready for tomorrow. Feeling hopeful and optimistic. I have fingers crossed for at least 8. The most we have had is 11. We have always had all but one or two mature and our fertilization rates hover around 95%, so I am hoping for more of the same. Is that asking too much!

I feel really good today. Usually the day after trigger is terrible for me - sore, bloated, nauseous, but I feel damn near 100% today. Sleepy though. I have always done Novarel in the past and this was generic - I have no idea if that is making any difference or if my e2 being lower is playing a part, but I will take it.

I have been really wanting to post something more heartfelt and emotional, but I think all the testosterone in my house is killing my creativity! I can't truly let myself feel everything going on in my head or heart right now; it's a slippery slope and I am trying to create the appearance of normalcy for tonight. More time to reflect in the coming weeks.

In other news, I hope you will join me in welcoming my best friend, Amanda, to the blogging world. She launched her blog today and could use some positive feedback. Her blog, Piecemeal People, is her forum to introduce the super cute mosaic art she creates. Her work is original and adorable and 100% customizable. I hope you will visit her link and be inspired. One warning - she is a mom and children are mentioned on her site. Also, her work on display right now is very "child" orientated, but she does other stuff too!

I have already hired her to make a monogram for my 16 year old niece and nursery artwork for my goddaughters' Christmas gifts. I had the pleasure of receiving a portrait of Sean & I for my college graduation gift and everybody comments on it when they see it for the first time.

Amanda is my chosen family. She is as close to a sister to me as I've ever known. She is an ENORMOUS source of support for me and I hope to be the same for her as she ventures into a new exciting phase in her life. Thanks for taking a minute to visit her link and browse her work.

I am off to have a cup of peppermint tea, read some of Eclipse and head to bed. 4am comes awfully quick. I'll update tomorrow!!! Thanks again for all your support!

Trigger Tonight!

Triggering tonight at 8pm! ER on Sunday - we have to be to DC @ 6am - YUCK! Still working on a story for the in-laws. Hmmm...we have to be up and out by 4:30am on a Sunday because...???

Seems like everything should go off without a hitch. My nurse even gave me permission to have a glass of wine tonight! Mmmm! We are heading to F.ogo De Chao for a late dinner and I can't think of anything better to compliment my steak than a nice glass of red wine. Yay for wine! Yay for steak! Double yay for wine and steak and maybe even dessert!!!

I had a wonderful nurse today and she put my mind even more at ease. She said again that they are really happy with my cycle. It is looking like 8ish eggies and possibly a couple more if some smaller follies kick it up a notch.

Oh, and guess what??? I am a math genius and today is Day 9 not day 7 or whatever the hell I thought it was! I have no idea how I did it, but I somehow lost time and had myself all worked up about timing for NO REASON. Day 9 is wonderful - I have triggered on day 9 before. Silly me! I think the hormones are messing with my brain power ;)

E2 was 1611 today. Lower than it has been historically on trigger day, but I am done obsessing for today.

I plan to write a "real" post tomorrow. You know, something thoughtful and not filled with numbers and stats and freakouts and dosages.

Maiden Voyage

So, this is my first voyage into the world of blogging & I have to say, I am pretty excited about it! After a little inspiration from a friend's blog, I decided to chronicle my adventure into the world of infertility.

Yes, I said 'infertility' and yes, it's a scary, scary word. I have come to accept into my life though, I don't really have a choice I guess. I am trying not to let the word define me, but it's tough. There are days when it feels like a life sentence & there are other days when I am so full of hope & belief in the power of miracles & medicine that I shrug it off like a jacket on a warm spring day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. In some ways, I feel like I was born to be a mom. I have always felt in my heart that I would have children of my own. Conversely, since my adulthood, I have also had a nagging feeling that infertility was to be part of my journey. I was not shocked or surprised in the least (sad, yes, surprised, no), when one year of trying to conceive (TTC) turned into two with no end in sight.

At the 2 year mark, Sean & I decided it was time to dig a little deeper & visit a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We discovered very quickly that I had a troublesome little polyp in my uterus. The polyp was removable and just a tiny blip on the radar. The diagnosis that rocked our world for a few days was the diagnosis that we had severe male factor infertility. With that diagnosis we were told "GO straight to IVF with ICSI - do not pass go, do not collect Clomid, do not try a single IUI, go straight to IVF."

Even though I was prepared for bad news, even though I "knew" something wasn't right, I was not prepared for this. I cried & cried & cried & cried some more. For the first time, I felt the doubt creep in that I may not be a mom. In retrospect, I feel terrible for taking it so badly. I should have been able to better support my poor husband through a devastating diagnosis, (which, in reality, he should have taken far worse than me), but all I could do was cry. Sean, on the other hand, was a rock, solid as granite. He took it all in stride. He comforted & reassured me that we would get through this, we would do whatever we needed to do to have a baby. For me, at that moment, IVF felt like the last stop on the infertility train. It was where most people's journey ended & mine was beginning there. If this doesn't work, then what???

I have made my peace with our diagnosis for now, if it doesn't work, we're not sure what our "then what?" will be, but for now we are focused on taking it one step at a time. Looking back, I am glad we were given a diagnosis & treatment plan from day one. I'm not sure I could've handled months or years of the "Let's try ____________insert your ART treatment of choice here" plan only to have it fail month after month.

So, I guess that brings us to our first step & we took that step today. I got my period over the weekend & we went to the clinic this morning for our day 3 bloodwork - (basically they do a quick hormone screen to check on the health & quantity of eggs). ****DISCLAIMER****I am going to try to keep it simple, but informative for those of you not "in the know" when it comes to infertility lingo & jargon.

My bloodwork came back & my hormone levels were great, excellent even, which means I should respond well to the meds. I started Birth Control Pills tonight - I know sounds counter-productive, but, it kind of resets your body & gives RE a blank slate to work with & it suppresses ovulation. On Feb. 15th, I start Lupron which puts me into a "mini-menopause", if you will, & shuts everything down so the RE can take over. Sean will be giving me Lupron injections everyday for about 2 weeks & I should be hormonal mad-woman - night sweats, hot flashes, headaches...Oh the romance of it all!!! That's basically step one & since that's our focus for now, I'll leave it at that. Otherwise, your head might explode if you are not familiar with all this IF talk.

I've read the books, Googled & Googled & Googled some more, joined a support board, started Acupuncture (more on that in future installments), & driven Sean up the wall & back down again with all my new found "knowledge" & we are ready, scared as hell, but ready. Sean is incredibly reasonable & realistic about what our chances really are - about a 30-35% chance we will find ourselves expecting on our first attempt - or about a 70% chance we won't. I, on the other hand, am insanely optimistic and expect nothing less than a pregnancy on our first cycle. In my mind it's 50/50 & I'm a glass half full kinda girl...

....and that maybe the only thing getting me through this..today anyway!