The Big Reveal

Today is a day I will remember forever. I saw my sweet, little baby's heart beating for the first time and it was an amazing site to see.

I was so anxious going in to my appt. and my clinic never makes you wait long and of course this morning we waited FOREVER! At one point Sean joked that he was going to hit the lights and get started without Dr. P. This made me crack up!

Dr. P finally came in and we got started. I am not sure I was even breathing. He turned the monitor towards him and right away he said, "It's good news! We have a heartbeat! There's only one!" Then, he turned the monitor towards us so we could take it all in. The baby is soooooo small, just a 1/2 cm, but the flicker of the heartbeat was very clear. Sean & I just stared in awe at the screen. Dr. P did not see anything that he thinks would have caused the bleeding, but did say I have a pocket of old blood that I could likely pass. At least I can be on the look out now.

After the u/s, Dr. P had us meet with him in his office where he told us the baby is measuring right on. He confirmed our EDD as Christmas Eve, said he was cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome, thanked us for helping his statistics :), gave us a few instructions and told us we would be "graduating" to our OB today. No more appts at the clinic. This caught me TOTALLY off guard. I definitely need to plan a visit in the next few weeks to see the girls that were off today and bring everyone a token of our appreciation.

Sean & I are both overjoyed, but I do have to say that neither one of had the big outpouring of emotion that I thought we would have. We were both very quiet during the u/s and during our meeting with Dr. P. We went out to lunch afterwards and we talked about how there is still a lot of unknown and leaving the security of the clinic has us feeling a little unsettled. They really cared for us and handled us with kid gloves and I just do not have that relationship with my OB. I know seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone and I am overwhelmed by all my emotions right now. We were both a little sad that Jack & Diane did not hang in there together and yet relieved that we will not face the risks of a multiple pregnancy at this point. As my mom said, we can always work up to that :)

So, without further ado, I present Baby Saucy or "Ralphie" if you prefer!

Now I need to start working on a new blog title!!!

The Baby Shower

Saturday was my good friend's baby shower. I chose to go because I wanted to be there to celebrate with a dear friend and her family. I knew it would be tough, but I tried to steel myself before arriving. I decided to carpool with another friend for a little moral support of my own.

In some ways it was harder than I thought it would be, but it wasn't tough in the ways I expected. I thought the cutesy baby games, the gushing over tiny pink outfits and the incessant newborn chatter would leave me gritting my teeth and fighting back tears. I was wrong, it was the small quiet moments that had me fighting tears and needing to step outside to get myself together.

The first moment was when my friend and her hubby arrived. You would think the sight of her big, beautiful belly would have gotten me; but no, it was the way her husband beamed with adoration when he looked at her, the way his hand lingered on her belly when he hugged her goodbye. It was the way they looked so full of joy, so full of life and expectation. My breath caught in my throat when I realized that might never be us. Sean & I may never have the opportunity to walk into our shower surrounded by the love and generosity of family and friends - smiling, happy, joyful. He may never see me pregnant, swollen, glowing, brimming with life. His hand may never rest on my belly feeling our baby kick and move within. My heart broke a little more imagining how empty our lives would always feel.

More sadness came when I saw how proud her mom was to be a first time grandmother. She made them 3 handmade beautiful quilts - one for home and one for each gramma's house. She was beaming and so very excited about all the memories to be made with her grandchildren. I am an only child, my mom wants to be a gramma almost as much as I want to be a mommy. I want her to revel in the joy of being the expectant grandmother at her daughter's shower. I want her to pamper and protect me when I am 8 months pregnant. I want to share that bond with her and yet I need to come to terms with what might never be...

There used to be a time when I went to baby showers and could easily imagine what mine would be like, what it would be like to be pregnant, decorate a nursery, ooooh and ahhh over tiny little outfits and for the first time, it all seemed so foreign to me. Just more what ifs...

Despite my sadness and wallowing in my own self pity, I managed to make it through and even marginally enjoy myself. I am truly happy for my friend and am glad that I was able to celebrate this milestone with her.

The highlight? My gift was a hit! I managed to avoid Ba.bies R U.S by having Amanda make custom artwork to match the baby's nursery. I think she did an amazing job and the artwork was the talk of the shower. Click here to see more of her work, and in her words, "If you can dream it, I can glue it!"

Paralyzed

So here I sit 11dp3dt, pregnant or not, and I cannot decide if/when I want to know. I have not tested since Thursday.

I have never been so paralyzed in my life.

I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? Aren't I? The best news of our lives? Or another broken heart?

Sean & my mom both say they can't take the pain of seeing me so devastated. Maybe that is adding to my anxiety level?

I feel normal. I feel hopeful. I feel dreadful. I am scared. I am excited. I want to know more than anything. It is the last news I want to hear. I am anxious. I am obsessed.

Can I make it 3 and a half more days? Should I put myself out of my misery today?

It could all be over, for better or worse inside an hour... Don't know if I can do it.

Are you ever ready for the news that changes your life?