Shufflin' off to...

BUFFALO!

I have been leading you on for weeks about a big life change, but I haven't been quite ready to put it out there. I think my title kind of gives it away, but first, a little background...

Sean & I were both born & raised in Buffalo, NY and our entire family is up there. I came to MD in 1997 for college and we stayed. In 2003, we decided we would like to move back to Buffalo. We were getting married in August of 2004 and hoped to move by then. Sean's CEO agreed and the plan was for Sean to telecommute and eventually open his own branch of the company in the area. We decided to build our dream home 3 miles from my parents. We absolutely loved being back and could not have been happier - God, I loved that house. We had been in our home for just 6 months, when Sean was offered a promotion that was just too good to pass over. We put the house on the market & packed up and moved back to Maryland. The promotion wasn't what it was supposed to be and Sean was really unhappy and frustrated for awhile. He even left the company for a little while to pursue opening his own business. Ultimately, the current economy dictated that it just was not a good time for risky ventures and Sean returned to his old company in a new capacity. While he has been happier, we have never been able to shake the feeling that we should be back in Buffalo.

With all that said, we have decided that the time has come to leave Maryland and move home once more. We no longer own a home here and in some ways it is the perfect time to do it. Although taxes are high in NY, cost of living is much lower than it is here in MD. Housing is so much more affordable and being close to family is priceless. Sean's Dad's cancer diagnosis this summer really got the wheels turning for both of us. We know that when we have children, we want them to grow up close to their grandparents & extended family. We have a HUGE family waiting for us and we feel like we miss out on so much. Although we try to get home as often as possible, it is still not the same & travelling over the holidays is stressful!

We are not moving any time soon. In fact, it is more of a 1-2 year plan. We have decided on a price range for a home and are saving aggressively for a down payment. We are also putting extra money away in the event that this FET is a bust and we need to do IVF #4. We have really buckled down and are cutting back where ever and when ever we can.

Sean has communicated to his CEO that moving back to Buffalo is the plan and he is 100% supportive of that and even commented that it was a mistake for him to have ever asked us to give it up in the first place. Sean will remain with the company and work from home. I have not told the family that I tutor for yet, because it may be a non-issue. Robert graduates from high school next June and Michaella will be in 10th grade and has never needed the level of support that Robert has. Although I love my job and the kids are like family to me, it is not a reason to stay here. In this age of technology, there is nothing to say that I could not work with Michaella via chat if I had to; I certainly know the curriculum well by this point. I think the family will be supportive.

We have not told our families yet and probably won't for a little while. We would like to be able to tell them in person and also have a clearer time line in place. We still need to figure out which towns and neighborhoods are most appealing to us. Our families have been through so much with us, we want to tell them in person and be able to have concrete details to share.

So, that my friends, is my big news! It is a little scary to being doing this all over again, but I know in my heart it is the right thing for us and our families. I am glad it is not happening immediately though. I want the time to save and plan and figure things out. It will be here soon enough! Thank you for all your support and positive thoughts over the past few weeks! As always, it means a great deal to me!

In IF news, my endo biopsy results are in and they are normal! Pretty much what I expected, although it is always nice to have answers. Now we are back at square one. They did recheck my prolactin and now it is a little low -only 2- it should be over 3. It went from too high to too low. Dr. P had me stop the meds and will recheck it in 3 weeks. I hate taking meds that I don't have too, so that is fine with me. Today is cycle day 1, but we decided not to do my FET. I am going to take this month off, keeping losing weight and give my body a break from the meds. I should start my FET right around St. Patrick's Day - may the luck o' the Irish be with us!

Endo Biopsy

I am approaching the end of my mock cycle and today was my endometrial biopsy. Believe me, I read some HORROR stories and was a little nervous going in this morning. Although my RE offered my an Rx for pain pills, I did not take him up on it. Pain meds make me really sick, so my thinking was that a few seconds of pain might be preferable to hours of nausea. I opted to take Ad.vil instead. I took 1000mg an hour before my appt and I made sure to get a good breakfast of protein and whole grains to keep my blood sugar steady.

Sean came with me and was able to hold my hand which was really comforting. The whole thing went very quickly and was really a piece of cake. I asked Dr. P to talk me through each step and he did. First, the speculum, then cleaning with a giant q-tip and beta.dine. Next, he inserted the catheter which was a little more crampy than a typical IVF transfer or Saline-Sono, but not terrible at all. He had me press down on my tummy, breathe deeply and then the biopsy began - it took just 15 seconds! I had some mild cramping and that was it! He said I did very well and we were "lucky" - whatever that means. It wasn't even as crampy as my HSG. I have had a little bit of spotting, but I feel 100% normal. I am so glad I did not take any pain meds. I know everyone is different, but I wanted to add my positive experience after reading so many bad ones. GL to anyone who has one coming up!

In other news, we were shocked to wake up and hear about the crash of Flight 3047 in Buffalo, NY. Buffalo is such a small town and a tight knit community, I know this must be very difficult for everyone. The victims and their families are in our thoughts and prayers.

Some good news - I lost another 3.5 lbs for a total of 14.8 AND I was able to wear a pair of jeans yesterday that haven't fit me in almost 2 years. Doing a happy dance!

I am looking forward to the weekend, especially dinner at R.uth's Chris tomorrow evening. It is "our place" and we have "our waiter" who knows us well and takes care of all our preferences. He was even able to get us a table when they were booked solid. Scott is the man!

I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day and a wonderful weekend. I hope everyone has some time to reconnect and recharge this weekend - don't forget the romance :)

Oh, no more meds for me after Sunday night! Woo!

Halfway to Nowhere

Well, I am about 1/2 way finished with my mock cycle. I had my lining check yesterday and my lining looked "beautiful!" I did not ask for measurements, because I figured why worry about something that does not matter anyway? I get to cut back my Est.race to 2x per day and I started Endo.metrin 3x per day this morning. Lucky me!

Although the mock cycle is easy and boring, I am not really a happy camper. The estrogen put the whammy on my sex drive in a major way and we all know how very romantic progesterone suppositories are to top it all off. Sigh... poor Sean. Poor me.

My endometrial biopsy is scheduled for next Friday the 13th. Looks like Valentine's Day weekend is going to be filled with romance. Sigh...

I stop all meds on 2/15 and call with a period. I can start FET right away pending results and we are leaning towards doing that.

I am down 10.4 lbs since the New Year and going strong. Losing about 1lb. per week for the last few weeks. I am hoping the meds don't blow me up like a balloon though. Sean is down almost 10 as well. I love cooking and am always looking for more healthy recipes!

We are new/used SUV shopping and it is maddening. I will spare you the details, but after spending Friday, Sat and Sun test driving trucks, I think we are getting closer to making a decision. We are terrible at making big decisions like this. We have a tendency to over think, over analyze and over plan things. Hopefully this weekend we will be the proud new owners of an SUV!

We are also making some headway on our "big life change" plans that I mentioned recently. I will unveil the plan soon. Thank you all for your well wishes and support!

Let the Mock begin!

Today is CD2 and I began my mock cycle yesterday. It is pretty boring actually - 1 Es.trace pill once a day for 5 days and then I gradually ramp it up until my U/S on Feb 3rd. At the end of this I have nothing but an endometrial biopsy to look forward to. Fun stuff. Hopefully it will bring some answers and then we can get the FET show on the road!

Still feeling good, still cooking everyday, still trying to be more active. Weigh in tomorrow! I am glad to hear some of you tried the soup recipe!

Thinking seriously about making a pretty major life change, but that's all I'm saying for now. We really want to be sure and have a good plan in place before making any major announcements. I will keep you posted as it evolves... (it is NOT IF related). Send some thoughts and prayers our way - we have a lot to consider.

Zen

So, I haven't been so great with the blogging lately. It is all because of my New Year's Resolution to use my time more wisely. The good news is that I am succeeding - getting up earlier, working out on the WiiFit, eating healthy, knocking out the to-do list etc... but that has resulted in much, much less computer time.

Using my time more wisely has been paying off. First, I picked up another tutoring gig 2 mornings a week and that pretty much guarantees me 20 hours a week or more. Second, I have been menu planning and cooking up a storm. We have not eaten out or ordered take-out in two solid weeks. One of my favorite changes is that I now cook dinner in the afternoon and then pack it up and take it to tutoring with me. Turns out eating dinner or take-out at 10pm is bad for the waistline and the pocket book- who knew??? I have lost 8.2lbs, Sean is down 3.5lbs and we have saved hundreds of dollars - seriously. I've even scrubbed the house top to bottom - baseboards and ceiling fans included!

I am feeling good. Really good. Better than I have in a long, long time. I feel healthier, I have tons more energy, I am more hopeful and positive than I have been in months. I am not obsessing over our upcoming FET or infertility in general. I am really at peace with where I am right this moment. It is a good feeling; a peaceful feeling.

I am hoping this feeling lasts, because I will be starting my mock cycle when my period arrives next week. That should take a full cycle to complete and that will leave us staring down the last week of February. I may start my FET right away and I might not. Depends on how I feel and where my head and heart are. All my bloodwork done in December -karotyping, prolactin, and fasting glucose- was normal. That's about all on that front.

I thought I would share my favorite recipes from this week. It is from Bob Greene's new Best Life Cookbook. I tweaked it a bit.

Best Life Bean & Sausage Pasta Soup

1 can white beans (canned, rinsed and drained) *I did 2 cans
3-4 links Hot Italian Turkey Sausage - slit casing and crumble meat
1 bay leaf
1 large carrot
1 onion
Lots of garlic -minced
1 red jalapeno - seeded and chopped
1/2 tsp rosemary
1/2 tsp sage
2 cups tomatoes - fresh or canned
2 cups greens (collard or escarole) washed well and broken into bite size pieces
32 oz reduced sodium organic Chicken Broth
1/2 box of Barilla Plus Elbow macaroni
1/4 tsp salt
Parmesan cheese to top soup

Add 1tbsp olive oil to pot- brown garlic, & onion and sausage. Combine all remaining ingredients, bring to a boil, lower heat and simmer 20 min. Cook pasta in salted water and serve soup over noodles. Parmesan cheese to taste. The original recipe calls for water instead of broth and does not include sausage.

Enjoy!

A Plan

I know it has been a little bit since I had anything worth while to say. I have been doing ok, I guess. I am not in the Christmas spirit, not even a little bit. We did not even decorate the house this year. We had very little shopping to do, which was good. I am going to make homemade candy this weekend and I did do holiday cards, but that is about it. My kids are finished with exams and I am finished tutoring until January and am looking forward to the little break. We head up to Bu.ffalo on Tuesday.

I had my WTF appt on Monday with Sh.ady Grove and while it was somewhat informative, I found myself walking away feeling frustrated. Dr. M was compassionate and asked us to keep trying. He agreed that the Ganirelix protocol did not do what we were hoping (more eggs) and that we would go back to a long Lupron if we ever did another fresh. He seemed kind of stuck on the fact that we are "new patients" to him and we "only" had one failed cycle with him and we were hoping he would look more at the big picture. He totally dismissed immune issues, beta 3 integrin (sticky glue), and basically did not see the need for anymore testing. Overall, he suspects a chromosome problem and said we are more prone to one because of the severe male factor. However, he doesn't think we are candidates for any type of genetic testing at this point. He said we don't make enough embryos to risk sending them out. He is not a big fan of PGD and said that they are still in the learning stage of CGH. They will be offering eventually, but no time soon and in his opinion, we are not making blasts, so no CGH for us. This is where I was getting frustrated because I felt he wasn't offering us anything new to get us over the hump. His overall plan:

1. Join their shared risk program - $22K 6 fresh cycles, unlimited FET, 100% refund.
2. Bring our 6 frozens over and include them in shared risk.
3. Try to thaw all embies and grow to blast.

That's it. He wasn't very optimistic about an FET - puts it around 20-25%. I was frustrated. I felt like he was kind of dismissing our frosties and putting more emphasis on shared risk and more fresh cycles.

Our consult at our old clinic with Dr. P was really, really great. Everyone was so happy to see us - it is so warm and friendly. We got hugs from the nurses and receptionists and billing and everyone was sorry to hear we had another failed cycle. I thought I was over needing the warm and fuzzy, but it felt so good to feel so cared for.

Dr. P was completely understanding about us seeking a 2nd opinion and doing IVF elsewhere. I was nervous about that and he put my mind at ease. We talked about the failed cycle and he also said no more anatagonist protocol for me. For another fresh he said long lupron or possibly microdose. He said he was going to pretend that all three cycles failed with him and treat us accordingly, which made us happy because any way you slice it, we have still had 3 failed IVFs. He thinks we are still very good candidates for IVF and have a good prognosis. He also feels that we have some great frosties and is much more optimistic than Dr. M about it. He is excited about doing an FET because he thinks I might just be one of those people who responds well to an FET.

Dr. P is a little concerned why I am so prone to polyps and is wondering if it indicates a possible lining issue. He agrees there could be chromosome issues, but is hesitant to jump right to genetic testing. He said PGD is a very flawed science. It misses a lot of abnormalities, there are a lot of false positives and false negatives and PGD has not been found to increase pregnancy rates in IVF patients. He thinks it has its place if there is a known genetic issue that they are screening for. He admitted to not knowing much about CGH, but would be open to genetic testing under the right circumstances. He thinks we need to focus on getting some blasts before we worry about that though. He also dismissed immune issues/testing and beta 3 integrin. Dr. P doesn't believe there is good science or data to justify testing or treating either. Supposedly, after more than a decade of research on both, there is no increase in PG rates for those undergoing immune therapies or Depot Lupron for Beta3. He also feels there is a huge conflict of interest that only one lab in the country does the beta 3 screenings and they also publish all the studies. He discussed how results can vary wildly cycle to cycle and he believes if it worked and truly increased success rates, every RE in the country would screen for these 2 things. He doesn't believe in testing for the sake of testing or "going fishing" as he put it. I just don't know what to believe in this department as there are so many varying opinions in the field.

Anyway, without further ado, his plan:

1. Repeat SIS on Tuesday to check lining. B/W to screen for insulin resistance and check my prolactin.
2. Order a DNA karotyping for me. Revisit genetic testing pending results.
3. Do a mock cycle before my FET. This means prepping my lining for an FET using Estrace and Endometrium, but instead of doing a transfer, he will do an endometrial biopsy instead to check my lining. I am not sure exactly what he is looking for, but he said "abnormalities" and to see how my lining responds to meds. It always looks great on u/s, but he wants to see it under the microscope. He said tweaks can then be made and if there are abnormalities, they are treatable. I have never really heard of this before, but if it means learning more, then I am all for it.
4. Do an FET cycle after mock cycle. Thaw all 6, culture to blast, transfer 2 or 3 blasts. He feels confident we will get some blasts. Fingers crossed.

Overall, we walked away feeling much more confident about Dr. P's plan. He seems more thorough and more optimistic about the success of this FET. Plus, I feel good knowing my embryos were created there, frozen there, and were the result of 2 good cycles. I walked out feeling like my questions were answered and like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

I have b/w and SIS on Tuesday and I will do my mock cycle in Jan. FET in Feb pending results all the testing.

I feel like my mood has improved slightly since meeting with him and as I have said before, I do best when I have a plan. Now, I hope we get some answers!

Whew, that was loooooooooong. The end.