Saturday, November 22, 2008

You'll Be Blessed...

The next few days are do or die for my little chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, Theodore, of course!) and I have been thinking a lot about that. In some ways in seems inconceivable to me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. I have been dreaming about pregnancy and children for so long, for so many years and here I am on the eve of a possible pregnancy and I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time I cannot imagine it not being so.

The last few days whenever I look at Sean, I can't help but imagine what our children will look like. Perfect infants with red hair, porcelain skin, huge blue eyes. It takes my breath away and brings a tear to my eye. Then, the tiny voice of doubt in the back of my head whispers, "Don't dare to dream it!" That voice breaks my heart & paralyzes me with 'what ifs.'

What if I am never pregnant? What if IVF fails us? What if we are never parents? What if I cannot give my husband a child to carry on his name, his legacy? What if I cannot give my mother a grandchild? What if I never hold my infant in my arms and whisper in her ear? What if I never look in my child's eyes to see his Daddy's baby blues or his Momma's soft green looking back at me?

I have so many hopes and dreams for these children of my heart. They will have blue eyes, or maybe green. They will have red hair. They will be fair and prone to sunburn like their Daddy. They will have fine, thin hair like their Momma. We will take family vacations to the beach, to Disney, to California. We will visit family in Buffalo. They will love to read. The boys will play hockey. The girls, well they're just a little uncoordinated like me. They will be smart and love school and bubble over with excitement on the first day. There will be Halloween Parties, Birthday Parties, Skating Parties and Slumber Parties. There will be dress-up and singing and tea parties. There will be football games on our lawn and floor hockey in the basement or garage. There will be laughter and love and some tears too. There will be practices and lessons and games and school plays and talent shows. There will be skinned knees and maybe a broken bone. They will fight with each other, but be each other's best friends too. There will be amusement parks and ice cream and popcorn. There will be pizza and movie nights. There will be crayons, finger paint and sticky fingers. There will be lunches to pack and homework to do and plenty of whining to go around. There will be kid's artwork on my walls and family pictures on every table. There will be stomach flus a'plenty, chicken pox, runny noses, sore throats and fevers. There will snuggling and jumping on the bed. There will be Christmas mornings, Easter Egg hunts and Trick or Treating. There will be toys and sporting equipment and backpacks and books strewn about my once tidy house. My laundry basket will run over with tiny socks and onesies. The house will never be quiet again and Mommy & Daddy will be my two most favorite words in the English language...

Please, oh please stay with me little ones. I cannot envision any other future for Sean & I. You are already loved so very much. You are our hopes and our dreams and our hearts...

Blessed by Elton John

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream-
Your eyes might be green,
Or the bluest that I've ever seen...

Anyway, you'll be blessed
And you, you'll be blessed,
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that,
promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Triple Threat

We are home from transfer and we have 3 embies safe and warm!!!

It was a long day. We made sure we were scent free (per lab instructions, embryos cringe at scent), we left the house at 1:45pm and arrived in DC around 2:45. I was told to arrive with a full bladder and then had to sit in the waiting room for 1 hour! I thought my bladder might burst.

We were brought back to the transfer room and the Dr. went over our Day 3 report.

1 @ 8 cell, grade 1 - "perfect"

2 @ 5 cell grade 3 - slow growing/mid grade

1 @ 3 cell - don't know grade. I assuming a 5 - poor.

Dr. Transfer and the embryologist initially recommended tx 2, but Sean & I had already decided that if our report was still less then stellar, we were not settling for 2. Given the 2 embryos at only 5 cell (they should have been between 6 & 8 today)- we requested transferring 3. We explained that it was our 3rd cycle, (which this dr. and embryologist were not aware of) and that we were disappointed in our fert. report and embryo growth/quality.

Dr. Transfer said she understood and then gave us the spiel about risks of triplet pregnancy and asked if we conceived triplets, if we would be willing to consider selective reduction. We said we could not make that decision now, but if that ended up being the case we would seek out the best doctors and take everything under advisement. Dr. Transfer said she wanted to speak with the embryologist and fill her in on our history and see if she could contact our Dr.

The embryologist thought it was more than reasonable to do 3 given our history and Dr. M said to remind me that I was young and to make sure that I was given all the facts, but that he was ultimately ok with it, if it was what we wanted.

Dr. Transfer asked us to consider which outcome we could "live with". #1 - not tx 3, cycle fails, we are devastated and always asking ourselves if we made a mistake. OR #2 we get pg with 3 and have to weigh our options. Sean & I looked at each other and both knew the pain of another failed cycle would just bring too much pain and too many 'what ifs.' If it were to transpire that all three implanted, we will take one day at a time and seek out the best information we can.

3 it was! Assisted Hatching was performed and the embies were transferred into my beautiful triple striped uterus with a whoosh!

We just couldn't imagine choosing between the two 5 cells and having to leave one behind to likely arrest or be donated to science.

There seemed to be a theme of 3 today. It was IVF #3, a 3dt, we were scheduled for 3:15, we were put in room 3 (which we realized on the way out), my triple striped uterus, the artwork in the room was arranged in threes, & the 3 embies. Three was everywhere! We are big on symbols so we of course took it as a sign that we made the right decision! :p

Speaking of signs, one of my IVF anthems is Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" and it was the last song on the radio when we got the the clinic and the first song on when Sean flipped the channel when we got back in the car! Too funny.

I am on strict bed rest for 24 hours and then have to take it very easy for 2-3 more days. My beta is scheduled for December 4th which seems late to us, but one day at a time!

There is no better feeling then having your embryos back home safe and warm. I am hopeful. I am at peace. I am more than content with our decision.

I am warm and toasty on the couch. Sean is spoiling me and the embies rotten and Libby is snuggled up keeping us warm. I have fresh pineapple from Whole Foods, a pomegranate, & pomegranate juice all on the menu over the next few days. I bought Breaking Dawn this morning and plan to crack it open in a few. Looking forward to the next few days!

Thanks for all the wishes and good vibes today. I felt the love!

For now, I am thoroughly enjoying being "pregnant until proven otherwise!"

A New Day

It is the morning of transfer and I am feeling much better. I needed to work through my emotions, anxiety and disappointment yesterday, but today I am ready, I am hopeful and I am exuding peace and trust.

All of your kind words and understanding helped me get over the worst of it. I did my IVF meditation and it helped me let go of the negativity as well. Dr. M called me at home to see how I was doing. He told me that there has been a lot of good things about this cycle and asked me to trust and have faith at this point. He said I have age on my side and hopefully a good embryo or 2 to work with...

I am usually one of the most positive people you will ever meet and I hate being in the dark place I was yesterday.

Transfer is at 3:15! For now, I am off to Barnes to pick up Breaking Dawn and B.lockbuster to pick up movies for bed rest. I will meditate one more time and Sean & I will get on the road. I am ready to being my embies home! Dr. M mentioned that if there are 2 good ones, he will be a big advocate of only tx those 2, Sean is pushing for 3. We'll see when we get there and take everything into consideration before we decide.

Thank you again for all the positive, supportive, hopeful words.

"Anxiety is space between 'now' and 'then'." ~ Richard Abell.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not the news I was hoping for...

The bad news just keeps coming. There is no hope of a 5 day transfer for me, in fact, I am a little nervous that there is a possibility of no transfer at all. My Day 2 report is awful:

1 @ 4 cell
1@ 3 cell
1 @ 2 cell
2 with no growth - possibly arresting.

I have never had anything like it. I know I can't keep looking back, but I also cannot deny that something has not worked with this cycle. Sean & I have always made amazing embryos. Embryologists oooh and ahhh over the beauties we make. We always have many to choose from and some to freeze. This time, not so much!

I am guessing my eggs hated the Ganirelix. Everything else was the same, except for that. I knew early on when I was stimming too fast that this protocol may not have been the answer.

My nurse said they will likely be able to do the Assisted Hatching and that they will discuss the option of putting back 3 given the crappiness of the situation.

I am mad, sad, angry, disappointed. I cried and sobbed and yelled and proclaimed my hatred for infertility.

I know it only takes one.
I know that some of the ugliest cycles produce beautiful happy endings.
I know I should not give up.
I know that each cycle is different.
I know this is the chance you take when you switch clinics and change protocols.
I know that I am "ahead of the game" because my polyp was found and removed by this clinic and no longer taking up a 1/3 of my uterus.
I know that even though this cycle is crazy, I am still at a wonderful clinic.
I know that this is not the end.
I know that I could have beautiful 8 cell embryos tomorrow.
I know if it is bad news in the end, we will try again.
I know that right now, this hurts like hell...

Tomorrow, I will put my hopeful, positive, optimist hat on and walk into transfer with a smile. I will welcome my embies home and try to provide them with the best possible environment and hope and pray for the best, but for today, I need to work through this.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Fert Report

9 out of 11 were mature and 5 fertilized with ICSI and are growing and dividing normally.

There is no way to hide it, I am very disappointed. I have always had 95% fertilization reports before so 60% is a big drop for me. It makes me question my protocol all over again.

It also makes me doubtful for a 5 day transfer. I had 7 embryos with IVF #2 and they all made it to my 3 day transfer, but the remaining 5 arrested before making it to blastocyst. They will have a better idea tomorrow, but I am going to be a WRECK...

My nurse was very positive and said they are very happy with my numbers - anything over 50% is great, apparently. Too bad everything I have ever heard suggests fertilization rates with ICSI are typically 70-80%. She wasn't too helpful, so I called the lab directly and asked to speak to an embryologist and was told they "do not speak to patients. call your nurse."

Sean doesn't think getting answers right now is necessary. His theory is that it really doesn't matter - we can't change anything now anyway. "Knowing" isn't going to give us a different outcome. He thinks we just focus on what we do have, write down our questions and concerns and if this cycle fails, then we can voice all questions and concerns. He is right, I guess.

We did get some good news. It seems that Sean's varicocele repair and vitamins are making a difference. The biggest jump came in his motility. He began with 35% motility and it was 70% yesterday!!! His post wash numbers have always been less than a million and he had over 2 million yesterday. His count is still extremely low, but it is on the rise! This was the earliest possible time to start seeing improvement and we are, so I am happy. He could continue to see changes for a year.

Sean 's vitamin regimen is Conception XR and 200mg of CO Q 10 per our RE's instructions.

I know I have reason to be optimistic and I am, but I am also disappointed. It may all turn out to be undue worry and stress and we could very well have beautiful blasts to work with, but it is day by day, hour by hour right now. Even if we go on day 3 again, I know I still have reason to hope!

I think part of what is going on is that by switching clinics, I put unrealistic expectations on them. I expected everything to be perfect - better than any cycle we have done before and that is not fair. Every cycle is different. I have to remember that they have a state-of-the-art (no pun intended) lab and this is where the magic happens. I know that we are still going to employ assisted hatching and that we do have a chance to get to blast. I know I am already better off because the huge polyp is gone from my uterus. I have to trust that we are in good hands and that even messy cycles lead to beautiful results.

Thank you for all your support!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Home from Egg Retrieval

We are home from ER and they got 11 eggs! I am thrilled. I was hoping for 8+ so 11 is wonderful. I am nothing if not consistent. I have had between 9 -11 with each cycle so far. I do not know anything about maturity at this point.

I will get my first fertilization report tomorrow between 12pm-3pm.

We are excited to hear about Sean's semen analysis results as well. This is his first one since the varicocele embolization. The lab tech knew we were nervous so she popped her head in and said, "The sample is looking great!" I have no idea what that means, but we'll take it.

My in-laws were on the road before we got home, so I was relieved. Sean is making me some eggs and toast for breakfast. It is a chilly, windy day and we are looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and resting. I am also hoping to finish Eclipse today!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

That's Our Story And We're Sticking To It!!

Sean and the guys are playing cards and having a few beers. Sean decided to casually ask what time they are thinking about getting on the road. They said 9ish. Sean dropped his voice and said, "Well, Emily is having a little procedure tomorrow -you know 'female stuff' -and we have to get on the road kinda early. Not sure when we'll be home or how she'll be feeling, so I hope you don't mind seeing yourselves out. Em feels really bad about not being here and she didn't even want to have to tell anyone she was having another procedure, so let's not bring it up at all..."

Something to that effect anyway. They bought it hook, line and sinker! They are men after all and they are drinking beer and any talk of "female stuff" freaks them right out. Hopefully they don't run home and tell the wifeys because then it will be 20 questions. Oh well, buys me a few days anyway! Thanks for all the ideas!

They had a fantastic time at the Navy vs. Notre Dame game today and a great visit overall. I, on the other hand, am ready to have my house back. From left to right - my father in law -Chuck, my hubby, my nephew -Vinny and brother-in-law- Dave

I am feeling ready for tomorrow. Feeling hopeful and optimistic. I have fingers crossed for at least 8. The most we have had is 11. We have always had all but one or two mature and our fertilization rates hover around 95%, so I am hoping for more of the same. Is that asking too much!

I feel really good today. Usually the day after trigger is terrible for me - sore, bloated, nauseous, but I feel damn near 100% today. Sleepy though. I have always done Novarel in the past and this was generic - I have no idea if that is making any difference or if my e2 being lower is playing a part, but I will take it.

I have been really wanting to post something more heartfelt and emotional, but I think all the testosterone in my house is killing my creativity! I can't truly let myself feel everything going on in my head or heart right now; it's a slippery slope and I am trying to create the appearance of normalcy for tonight. More time to reflect in the coming weeks.

In other news, I hope you will join me in welcoming my best friend, Amanda, to the blogging world. She launched her blog today and could use some positive feedback. Her blog, Piecemeal People, is her forum to introduce the super cute mosaic art she creates. Her work is original and adorable and 100% customizable. I hope you will visit her link and be inspired. One warning - she is a mom and children are mentioned on her site. Also, her work on display right now is very "child" orientated, but she does other stuff too!

I have already hired her to make a monogram for my 16 year old niece and nursery artwork for my goddaughters' Christmas gifts. I had the pleasure of receiving a portrait of Sean & I for my college graduation gift and everybody comments on it when they see it for the first time.

Amanda is my chosen family. She is as close to a sister to me as I've ever known. She is an ENORMOUS source of support for me and I hope to be the same for her as she ventures into a new exciting phase in her life. Thanks for taking a minute to visit her link and browse her work.

I am off to have a cup of peppermint tea, read some of Eclipse and head to bed. 4am comes awfully quick. I'll update tomorrow!!! Thanks again for all your support!