Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thoughts on the eve of IVF #2

Ivf #2 is here and I have my game face on, but it also has stirred up lots of thoughts and emotions. I am ready for this cycle, but I feel very differently this time around. I am not quite so hopeful, definitely not so manically excited, a bit more realistic and maybe even a tiny bit ambivalent? I know what to expect this go round as far as the meds, procedures etc...and that definitely helps with the anxiety and excitement factor... I can only hope and pray for a different outcome this time around...

I am also having a really hard time processing all the bad news on the nest and my other IF message boards. Seriously, every single day there is someone going through something terrible and life altering - a BFN after umpteen IVF cycles, girls trapped in BETA hell hoping and praying for a sticky baby, a failed adoption, a BFP negated by a chemical, an ectopic, or an early m/c in the blink of an eye, devastating 2nd trimester losses due to incompetent cervix and placental abruption, giving birth to a miracle baby or babies and having him or her taken away far too soon due to a rare birth defect or illness...These are things that happen every single day in the world of infertility.

I have shed so many tears for my TTTC sisters. No one should ever have to go through the loss and grief so many of these women have to experience, let alone women who have been to hell and back just to conceive in the 1st place. I have such a hard time believing that any God could bless these woman with a pregnancy that was so hard fought for, only to take it away so soon. WHY??? It defies explanation or reason to me and I am a big believer in the "everything happens for a reason" mantra. What reason could there be to take away the life of a tiny, little infant and shatter their families' hearts into ten million pieces??? I will never understand and I will never forget these women and their stories...

As Sean often reminds me, there are also hundreds of miracles that I witness everyday on the boards and that is certainly true. My heart bursts with joy when women are blessed with BFPs and happy, healthy infants, but heart also breaks for all that everyone has been through - the testing, the procedures, the fights, the heartbreak, the loss, the disappointment, the lost hopes and dreams, the tears, and also for the embryos that will never be babies that we hold in our arms, but always in our hearts...

8 comments:

Christi said...

I believe that everything happens for a reason as well. But, it is REALLY hard to understand why these things happen. We just have to trust and believe that God is doing it for a reason that hopefully, we will know one day.

The beginning of your post is EXACTLY how I felt for IVF #2. It is a completely different attitude. I'm so sorry that you have to experience how I felt. I only hope and pray that yours ends better than mine!!! I am wishing you all the best...

Christi

Jill said...

Well, I think I could've written a lot of your thoughts too. IF is so unfair!

While neither of us are overjoyed right now, I hope we feel more excited when stims start again. I just don't feel much of anything on Lupron right now.

I'm glad I've got you to go through this with me!

Katie said...

Hi Emily. Thanks for stopping by on my blog. I read your story, and I have my fingers crossed for you! I am very sorry about your first attempt, but I think it is a good thing to get back to trying! I will be following your story!

Lisa said...

It is really hard sometimes. I take it all so hard, too, and sometimes it feels so enveloping. It took me a while to realize that it's because, by participating in these sites, we're just surrounded by it - the good, the bad, and the ugly of it. My offline (and non-TTTC friends) just can't understand that. At any given time, I can easily say I "know" 10-15 women going through IVF, 20 or so pregnant women, etc.... Who that is not part of a community like this can do that??

Maria (MKC101103) said...

My IVF #2 was so much easier than my first, so I hope you have a smooth cycle...well, as smooth and easy as IVF can be ;0

Kristen said...

I completely understand your feelings, as those are things I'm saying to myself as I am trying to get ready for IVF #2 myself. I guess I am looking at it this way: I am going to know SO MUCH more this second time around as I've been there, done that, and gotten the t-shirt. Try as best you can to remain positive. I'll be here to support you the whole way, and hope to continue to support you through your nine months of happiness, as well!!! Best of Luck, Emily!!

hoping for a child said...

i'm also on ivf #2 and i don't know if i'm setting myself up again for a horrible disappointment but i'm getting pregnant this time. i'm trying not to read too many blogs right now b/c you are right...it's so depressing. i cry for strangers ever time i log on. best to you.

Jen said...

I'm just finding your blog, but I have to say that your feelings completely echo my own. I love the blogs and the Nest board for the support, but sometimes it is so hard to hear the bad news.

I, too, will be gearing up for IVF # 2, and I feel a little jaded this time around.