Monday, June 30, 2008

Out of the Loop

We're home from vacation! We've actually been home for a week now, but have been slow getting settled in and caught up.

A little vacay recap for you! We spent Father's Day weekend up in Buffalo with family. We saw our nieces dance in their recital, went out for a YUMMY dinner with my mom and had a big cookout with Sean's family for Father's Day. Bright and early on Monday, we flew out to Vegas. Vegas was HOT - around 108 degrees the whole week. We relaxed by the pool most days and headed to the strip at night. We are not party people so our evening usually involved a nice dinner, some gambling and maybe a show. We won a little the first day and then we hit the spa for a couples massage and it was wonderful! We were up and down on the winnings, but we came home with money leftover from the vacay budget so we were ok with that! We flew back into Buffalo and spent an extra day there so that we could go to our niece and nephew's b-day party. All in all, it was a relaxing vacation and good to see family.

Despite being a vacation and a "break" from all things infertility, it never exactly works out that way. For some reason, I felt like our infertility defined us more than ever over the past few weeks and also cast a shadow over everything we did.

This was the first time we had seen our families since our 2 failed cycles and I am not sure what I expected, but I was surprised that no one mentioned it or asked about it at all. I vacillate between being okay with that and being a little bitter about it. I think they were probably leaving the ball in our court, but it would have been nice to acknowledge what we have been through over the past 6 months.

I am an only child and Sean is the baby of 5 and we are the only childless couple in the family and I never felt it more than at the 2 gatherings we had up in Buffalo. His other 4 siblings have 10 kids between them and our nieces and nephews range in age from 21 to 13 months. I felt very out of the loop and like our lives were very empty.

The dance recital brought me to tears a few times. 5 of our 6 nieces danced in it and when they took the stage, I was all teary eyed. This was especially true when I saw Kiara for the first time. She is the spitting image of my husband and she looked gorgeous on stage. Every time I see her, I feel I am getting a glimpse at out future children and it gets me all choked up. We ran into an old family friend at the recital and she said to Sean, "Oh my goodness, your daughter is gorgeous! She looks JUST like you!" (talking of course about Kiara). We did not correct her, just smiled and said thank you, but our hearts were breaking... For your viewing pleasure, a photo of us with Kiara at the recital:

Even in Vegas, the adult capital of the US, I felt like I could not escape it. At the pool, the only teen mommy in a 100 mile radius has to plop down next to us, complete with infant, Red B.ull, Bikini, & her BFF. It could not have been more clear that she was more into her best friend and their tanning then her own daughter. The baby was covered in a rash and yet that didn't stop mommy of the year from slathering her in sunscreen and dipping her in the chemical filled pool in 108 degree heat. Then, she couldn't be bothered to give the baby her bottle, because that interfered with tanning, so she propped the bottle on a towel and sighed saying, "When are you gonna be able to do this yourself???"

In stark contrast to teen mommy, we had twin mommy who had her shit together. She looked amazing in her bikini, had 2 cute as a button infant twin boys and just exuded confidence. She was gorgeous, tanned, fit, coiffed and otherwise perfect despite the 108 degree heat and lugging twins and the "stuff" down to the pool. Did I mention, hubby was no where in sight and she was calm, cool and collected. I would have been a flabby, sweaty, stressed-out disaster case!

I wish I could say it has gotten better since we have been back home, but the house has never seemed bigger or more empty. Our lives feel incomplete. This weekend we ran errands, saw a movie, cooked yummy dinners, played tennis, & went to Barnes and Noble for a few hours. Sounds great, right??? It was and yet there was an absence that permeated everything. Summer, to me, is all about kids...

Anyway, in other news, I am honored to be the recipient of the Pink Rose Award from Christi!

Thank you Christi for being an amazing friend and source of support!!!

I nominate:

M. because us B-lo girls need to stick together!! We have so much in common and I wish we still lived in Buffalo so we could be friends in real life:)

Lisa because she got some great news this week on the medical front. I am so happy for you! I hope it is just the beginning of all kinds of great news for you!

I also nominate any one else who reads my blog that hasn't been nominated yet - you all deserve to be recognized - you are amazing women! Thank you all for your support!

Here's how to pass it on:1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.


Lisa said...

Thank you, and welcome home!!!

I know exactly what you mean. Even when you go places where you think you can escape it, if only for a short time, there it is, right in your face. And, I think that's because we would give ANYHING to have children and not be in the place of escape in the first place.

It does sound like, depite being confronted with IF a few times, you had a nice trip!

Jill said...

Welcome back home!! I can't wait to hear about the vacation details (esp. the Kevin James/Ray Romano show--I love those guys!).

I sooo know how you feel. We just got back from vacation with all of Steve's family, which included 10 nieces and nephews aged 2 to 17 years old. While, I'm just fine to NOT have all the teenagers in my home, the little ones just couldn't be cuter. From rubbing sunscreen on them all week to helping them swim at the ocean/pool, I felt very isolated at the end of the day. I think you and I just want a baby so badly that these family situations are just really hard for us (and that's okay!).

And dear Lord, what a baby fiasco at the pool in Vegas. For what it's worth, I KNOW you'll be an organized, kind, and beautiful mother (just like the twin Mommy). :-)

Christi said...

It sounds like you had tons of fun. I hope that you had an incredible time and were able to relax despite your run ins.

I'm so glad that you are back!!
You have been missed...

Kristen said...

I am so sorry we didn't get a chance to meet up while in was a busy time for us both! :-)

I hope you were able to enjoy your vacation, despite all the IF distractions!! Some day it will be your turn to cause the distractions, I just know it!

Katie said...

Glad you were able to get away for a little while. There is nowhere in the world to completely escape the IF reminders, but I think home can be one of the hardest places to forget about it! Hope you are by the pool with a couple little ones soon!!!

Penny said...

Stumbled upon your blog today. I'm sorry to hear about your emotionally difficult trip with family. You're a good blogger, I hope you keep it up. And of course, best of luck to you with this infertility crap.