Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Audacity of Hope

Well, today is day 2 of stims & so far, so good. I know it is still early in the whole IVF process, but, so far, I am pleasantly surprised by how "easy" it is. Now, please remember, "easy" is all relative...It is as easy as 3 daily injections of hormones can be, it is as easy as the almost daily 65 mile round trip drive to RE in the middle of morning rush hour on the beltway can be...

Sean is a great shot giver - only 1 teeeny bruise & no pain at all. The meds do not burn nearly as much as I expected, I have only had a few side effects - mostly a headache & a hot flash or two, & I have actually lost 3 pounds! I have been craving really healthy food (for a change) & I am definitely back into the "healthy body, better odds" mentality.

My parents are in town this weekend and they have been a great support system for me throughout the entire process. My mom has been holding my hand during shot time & it is the best feeling. I will miss it when she leaves on Monday :( These are the times when it really stinks that they live in another state...

I am still in the hopeful & optimistic phase & Sean keeps trying to prepare me for the fact that this cycle may very well not work. I know he is just trying to prevent me from a major crash & burn, but I keep reminding him that I am going to be a wreck if it doesn't work, but I am not going to let that stop me from hoping with all my might in the mean time! In the words of Barack Obama, "Hope is not blind optimism. Hope is not ignorance of the difficulties of the task ahead or the hurdles that stand in your way… It’s just the opposite."

I was feeling especially hopeful today - Sean, Mom & I even talked baby names at lunch, we ventured into Janie & Jack & ooohhhhed & aaaaahhed over the beautiful, tiny, flowered dresses & handsome linen suits, we even took on Pottery Barn Kids in all its pulled together primary & pastel cuteness. I dared to point out pieces I liked & peeked at price tags. I dared to dream a little today & it felt good. Some days it hurts to walk into PBK - I stare wistfully and let my fingers linger longingly on the soft bedding with tears in my eyes & emptiness in my heart. But today, I was filled with contentment that our time is coming...maybe its the type of contentment that comes with finally being involved in a treatment cycle, instead of floating in the no man's land waiting for answers & treatment to begin. Whatever it is, where ever it comes from, I will take it over the emptiness any day.

So for today, I dare to hope, I dare to dream of the baby I know waits for me...

Friday, February 15, 2008

Lupron & the Spaghetti Sauce Incident

So, I have been thinking a lot about my blog, I just have not sat down to write in awhile. Things have been whirlwind busy around here - our business has kept us busy, busy, busy & we open the doors for business on MONDAY! It is so exciting. I am so proud of Sean for doing this. The website looks amazing - I am so happy for Sean ~ this has been his dream for so long & he has made it happen & I know he will be successful. He is like a new man since he left his old company - it is like the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders & I love seeing him like this. Though he is stressed about everything going on, it is a different stress now.

Our nephew was here for 3 weeks. We are helping him get his life back on track. It was hard having company right now. Honestly, I love him to death, but I was ready for him to leave today. I was ready to have my house back, my husband all to myself & I was ready not to be a parent to a 20 year old anymore. He may or may not be back in a few months - we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We made a final decision to sell the house, again! After everything fell apart with the sale this summer, we weren't sure if we had it in us to go through it again, but we are. Our overhead is skyhigh right now & with the new business & hopefully a baby (dare I say it!) we need a little wiggle room. I do not want Sean to be stressed about the finances on top of everything else. It's a house, just a house - we owned a few, we'll own more. We'll be fine. House went on market today & we have showings tomorrow. Fingers crossed that everything goes well, we get a contract quickly & settlement goes well. It was so tough to have everything fall apart the week before settlement last time. We priced really, really aggresively so it should be fast... Oh well, another project to work on & I love a good project! In a way, it will be good to let this house go - it's a big house for 2 people - 4 bedrooms that I expected to be half full of children by now, so in some ways it is a constant reminder of our IF.

We are official IVFers now! I started my Lupron shots on Monday, Feb. 11th. That was about 4 days earlier than I originally thought - thank goodness I am an anal, type A person who asks tons of questions & is on top of things. Long story short, a nurse messed up my timeline & it was caught & dates were adjusted, meds were ordered, & all was well in my world again.

The box of meds & the whole injection process is daunting. So far, the Lupron injections have been a piece of cake - Sean is a great shot giver - & that is all I am focusing on right now (well trying anyway). I put all the other boxes, bottles, vials, syringes, needles, & suppositories (yup - I said suppositories!) up in a high cupboard for now. I will cross each bridge as I come to it. Can I just say, THANK GOD for insurance coverage??? My meds alone would have totaled over $4,000 if we had to pay out of pocket. Our insurance costs a fortune every month, but it has already paid for itself. It's hard to believe a year ago, we were facing paying out of insurance is one thing to be thankful to Sean's old company for!!! I admire & feel for each & every couple that has to pay OOP for treatment. I can't even imagine the stress it causes to take a $15,000 gamble with less than 40% odds - yikes - the stakes are so high. Good luck OOP ladies - I think of you & pray for you often!

I take my last BCP tonight & should expect a period soon. As soon as period arrives, I go for more bloodwork & an ultrasound & hopefully by this time next week, we'll be stimming! That's when I freak out a little, I think :) Stimming will make it so real and retrival & transfer will be so close. It's hard to believe that in a month, we'll know if it worked or not.

I have never been so very certain & so uncertain about the direction my life is heading in all at the same time. I know we will be parents, I just don't know when yet - could be 10 months from now, could be years away. I don't know where we'll be living in a few months -I know it will be more affordable, less maintence & I will make it my own. I have no idea where we will be with the business - but I do know we will be happier than we have ever been in our careers, I know that we will be working harder than ever before & I know that we will be so proud to have something of our own that we have grown from the ground up. I know that my marriage is strong & will continue to get stronger. I know that I married the most amazing man in the world & that will never change.

All in all, I feel pretty good right now. I had my first Lupron side effects today - a bad headache & a bit snappy. Poor Sean, he cooked his crabby wife dinner & I tore his head off for using an old jar of sauce. He opened a new jar & we were good to go, but not before I literally exploded on him because I did not feel like he "heard what I was saying about the old sauce." It was stupid & silly & all about the hormones. Thank God, he is an easy going man...