The Audacity of Hope

Well, today is day 2 of stims & so far, so good. I know it is still early in the whole IVF process, but, so far, I am pleasantly surprised by how "easy" it is. Now, please remember, "easy" is all relative...It is as easy as 3 daily injections of hormones can be, it is as easy as the almost daily 65 mile round trip drive to RE in the middle of morning rush hour on the beltway can be...

Sean is a great shot giver - only 1 teeeny bruise & no pain at all. The meds do not burn nearly as much as I expected, I have only had a few side effects - mostly a headache & a hot flash or two, & I have actually lost 3 pounds! I have been craving really healthy food (for a change) & I am definitely back into the "healthy body, better odds" mentality.

My parents are in town this weekend and they have been a great support system for me throughout the entire process. My mom has been holding my hand during shot time & it is the best feeling. I will miss it when she leaves on Monday :( These are the times when it really stinks that they live in another state...

I am still in the hopeful & optimistic phase & Sean keeps trying to prepare me for the fact that this cycle may very well not work. I know he is just trying to prevent me from a major crash & burn, but I keep reminding him that I am going to be a wreck if it doesn't work, but I am not going to let that stop me from hoping with all my might in the mean time! In the words of Barack Obama, "Hope is not blind optimism. Hope is not ignorance of the difficulties of the task ahead or the hurdles that stand in your way… It’s just the opposite."

I was feeling especially hopeful today - Sean, Mom & I even talked baby names at lunch, we ventured into Janie & Jack & ooohhhhed & aaaaahhed over the beautiful, tiny, flowered dresses & handsome linen suits, we even took on Pottery Barn Kids in all its pulled together primary & pastel cuteness. I dared to point out pieces I liked & peeked at price tags. I dared to dream a little today & it felt good. Some days it hurts to walk into PBK - I stare wistfully and let my fingers linger longingly on the soft bedding with tears in my eyes & emptiness in my heart. But today, I was filled with contentment that our time is coming...maybe its the type of contentment that comes with finally being involved in a treatment cycle, instead of floating in the no man's land waiting for answers & treatment to begin. Whatever it is, where ever it comes from, I will take it over the emptiness any day.

So for today, I dare to hope, I dare to dream of the baby I know waits for me...