Ah... Halloween is here again. "Goblins, ghouls funny faces walkin' 'round familiar places! This is a day called HALLOWEEN!" So went the words of my favorite elementary school song.
Halloween is one of those days for me, a day like The First Day of School . It has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is a day full of happy childhood memories of costumes and carved pumpkins and parties and candy. Today it is a day of hope and sadness; fear and optimism.
Hope & optimism burn within me like a candle in a Jack-o-Lantern on the eve of IVF #3. I envision Halloweens of the future with 3 little ones all dressed up, a house decorated to hilt, pumpkins carved on the front porch, hayrides and caramel apples, classroom parties, treat bags and ghost stories.
Fear & sadness rear their ugly heads as I envision a host of other Halloweens just like today -empty house, empty arms, broken dreams. Smiles through tears. A reminder of all the Halloweens I thought, "Next year I will surely be pregnant, have baby..." Seasons change, time passes, and yet here we are clinging to same hopes and dreams as the last year and the year before and the year before...
When Sean & I first got married, we used to go to the pumpkin farm and dress up and go to parties all the while dreaming of our future, but then it just got too painful. I still decorate inside (if you build it, they will come mentality, I guess) and go to the local farmers market for a pumpkin, but we don't carve it. We don't dress up and we don't go live it up at any parties any more. We hand out candy and ooh and aah over all the little ones. We smile as our hearts ache. We turn off the porch light and retreat to the safety of each other.
The chill of the ghosts of Halloween future linger in the air tonight as the fates decide our future. Trick or treat?!?!
8 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. The holidays bring such saddness these days. And thanksgiving and christmas is still to come! It's crazy how I used to love holidays and now I completely dread them. I'm hoping though, that one of these years we will get our miracle and I will be able to embrace the holidays once again. I really really hope so, because I used to love them sooooooo much.
Hang in there! BFP's all around :)
I know how you feel, the holidays(especially the ones we most love) are hard to face, when you don't have something you long for. I like the idea of 'if you build it...' and really hope this is your last child-free halloween!
I know what you mean about Halloween. We decided to sit this one out this year. It's just too painful for me, and I thought it was one little pain I could actually kind of control. I hope you can focus on the hope of a brand new cycle. Sometimes it's nice to think that there is some hope ahead. Thinking of you today (and completely identifying),
I hear you, sweetie. The fun of this holiday has been completely lost on me.....
I hope this is the last Halloween that you ever have to spend feeling sad. I had my moments on Friday as well. We all gathered at SIL house and gave out candy to hundreds of kids. I stayed inside most of time. Just too hard to see the little ones.
I pray for a better holiday season to be around the corner for us. We'll hopefully have a good Thanksgiving filled of hope and excitement of brighter days ahead. BFPs required. No other options for either of us! Like the optimism?
P.S. Congrats on the last BCP today! Woohoo!
You made me tear up, Em. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time on one of your favorite holidays. I'm excited for the next cycle for you... and I'm praying for this to be your last Halloween without a little one :)
The holidays can wreak havoc on our mental state as we journey through IF. You have such a great attitude and I just know you have three little "treats" in your future!
Wow, did I ever identify with this post. It's like you took the thoughts right out of my head.
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