Crossroads

Recently someone said to me, "You really have a way with words and your facebook updates about your children are always so funny! You should really considering writing!" I told her that I did, in fact, used to write. That I blogged my entire infertility journey for the world to see - the good, the bad, the ugly and the most beautiful moments of my life.

It got my wheels turning about why I stopped writing here and where my life is now. What my place in the world of blogging is or isn't anymore...My infertility journey feels like it was a million years ago now. In many ways, it was a lifetime ago, if one can compress a lifetime into 5.5 years. 

My life barely resembles that of the younger woman who penned these words all that time ago. Then, I was firmly entrenched in the pain of infertility, then the joy and uncertainty of pregnancy after IF and finally the mixed bag of emotions that is new motherhood. Now, I'm firmly entrenched in preschool and potty training, PTA and birthday parties. I live a life I never dreamed was possible 7 years ago. I survived having 3 babies in 3 years, the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding, failure to thrive, tongue ties, sleep deprivation, a 14 month old who had spinal cord surgery for tethered cord syndrome, a highly anxious child (I am still surviving that one), 2 moves, some stress and heartbreak, being "touched out" and most recently sending my biggest little off to kindergarten and my baby to preschool. It has been a whirlwind of cheerios, Disney Jr, play dates and overall chaos. Looking back over the last 5 years, it has been a BLUR! I wish I had kept up with my blogging to document it all because I have already forgotten so much. I struggle with if this blog is the right format for this stage of life that I am entrenched in.

The infertility chapter of my life is closed. I have a desire to have a 4th child, but I have no desire to get back on the roller coaster that is infertility. Sean is perfectly content to close the baby days chapter. We have been blessed with 3 gorgeous, healthy, happy, children. 2 girls, 1 boy. We have no way of doing if we would ever be able to conceive on our own again and deciding to "try"again, means deciding to at least step back in line for the roller coaster. Lydia and Owen were the biggest surprises of our entire life, We never made a conscious decision to try for more children. The last time we decided to try to have kids was in 2004 and the start of a 5 year journey that included 3 failed IVF cycles. I just don't have it in me to walk that road again. So to decide to try and then not be able to conceive again would be devastating in a whole new way. I realize how delusional that probably sounds to many, especially those still in the trenches...

I got a letter today from Shady Grove Fertility today asking what we would like to do with our sperm sample in storage. It was such a blast from the past and took me right back to a dark time in my life. Now, there is so much light and joy, but I will never forget...

So, my friends, we are at a crossroads. The baby days are just about behind us. The bottles and sippies long gone, the milk dry, no traces of baby gear, our days in diapers are limited and my "baby" boy started preschool this week! Just recently, there's been weekends away with my husband and girlfriends, moms' nights out, a few hours to myself every week and I even started a new business. It feels good and  yet so scary. Babies are all I have known for 5.5 years. I am not sure I am ready to let go of that stage of my life, but this new phase feels good too...

I often think of those of you who walked this path with me. I wonder where you are in this journey of life and marriage, parenthood and infertility, family building and chapter closing. I hope the years have been kind to you. I would love to hear from you in the comments!

Hardly Christmas Card worthy, but one of those perfect days that captures everything I ever dreamed of. Hilton Head, June 2015