Tuesday, December 30, 2008

No Expectations

For the first time in many years I am looking forward to the New Year with no expectations. It's hard to believe, but it is true. I have plenty of hopes and dreams for 2009, but I am so over expecting any one outcome. These past few years have taught me there are just no guarantees for anything in life. People get cancer, people get sick, sometimes they heal and sometimes they don't, cycles fail, businesses fail, economies collapse, people die, there is birth, there is death, women miscarry, couples divorce, miracles happen, there is prosperity, there are hard times, holidays come and go, the seasons change, people lose their jobs, lose their homes, people land the job of a lifetime, build their dream home, move, buy, sell, lose weight, gain weight, there are storms and catastrophes, friends are made, friends are lost, life goes on...

2008 was a hard year for us and many of you. I can't pretend to know what 2009 will bring, but it is foolish to believe it will all be better just because it is a new year.

I am ready to put 2008 behind me and welcome in 2009, but I refuse to put a mountain of expectations upon it. I have learned the hard way and had my heartbroken too many times. I have spent too much time doing 'fertility math' and thinking when this happens or that happens I will be pg, have a 'x' month old, etc...

A new year is a wonderful new beginning, full of hope, but it is in no way a cure all. 2009 will arrive and I will still be infertile, Sean's dad will still have cancer, life will go on. A new year is not a guarantee that this will be "my year." I hope it will, I pray for it, I dream about it, but I no longer expect it.


Happy New Year my friends! May 2009 be a blessed year for you and your families. May your hopes and dreams come true!

18 comments:

Jen said...

(((hugs)))
I hope 2009 brings you only great things.

Lisa said...

Once again, my dear, thank you for perfectly expressing my feelings. We shall both ease into this new year and wait to see what happens...

M. said...

Another great post! I hope you and Sean have a wonderful 2009, and that the year brings you many wonderful things :)

Mo and Will said...

You sound wise and very very sane. I wish you the best but understand not wanting to bank on any particular outcome.

Chhandita said...

I can understand what you mean...But I still think 2009 will be good for all of US...it better BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ashley said...

You have written once again what all of us feel. I hope you have a Happy New Year and out of pure fact that you're past due for a blessing, I hope 2009 brings you one.

bunny said...

you nailed it! infertility is so exhausting (in part) because you need to maintain hope, but can't count on any certain outcome. often this lesson comes through lots of disappointment.

so, here's to having the strength to hope.

happy new year!

Erin said...

Well put.

Hope 2009 does bring us all some sunshine.

Just Another Infertile said...

It almost feels easier not to have any expectations. Then you feel pleasantly surprised when anything good comes along.

I know exactly what you mean about "fertility math." I used to play that game all the time when we actually thought we could conceive on our own. I played it in August when I thought IVF would work our first time. Even though IVF #2 was more successful, it still doesn't feel real and I don't want to do the math. I probably won't for a long time.

I hope 2009 is your miracle year.

Jill said...

You deserve all wonderful things in 2009 my dear friend. Hoping for the very best for you and Sean!

Clio said...

there are some philosophies that say that none of these ups or downs make actually any difference. Like you said, it seems things have cycles, you can have the best day of your life, just next to the worst one. Maybe we should give less importance to the outcomes of everything we do. Maybe they are right, that happiness is really not found in anything external. I've observed that rarelly we are given what we think we need. Our subconscious or our destinies many times don't seem to agree with our desires. So, your post, sounds to me very balanced. Very wise. May 2009 bring us at least more wisdom and resilience to deal with all life's chalenges.
blessings

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

Perhaps my resolution should be to stop doing 'fertility math'. I always get emotionally sideswiped when one of those days come (xmas, nys, birth day etc) and I'm sans bebe.

Lost in Space said...

Once again, you said it perfectly, Emily. I hope your 2009 is filled with many blessings.

Michelle said...

I hope you have a great 2009!

Leslie Laine said...

Hi Emily - I wanted to let you know how much I love this post. New Year's used to be my favorite holiday because of all the optimism and hope for a new year. This year, I tried to just focus on partying (which we did) and having a good "kid-free" kind of time while my friends stayed at home drinking koolaid with their kids - ha ha!

Anyway - I just wanted to thank you for putting it all into words because I don't want to get my hopes up this year either. I just want to be realistic about what's to come.

Thinking of you...

Kymberli said...

*sigh* Beautiful. I've been on the fence about my feelings for going in to 2009. I want to start out with a bang, with this transfer coming up in about three weeks. I don't want this transfer to set the tone for how this year is going to go. I don't want 2009 to suck just because it didn't work and I don't want it to be wonderful solely because it worked out. No expectations - with no expectations, then it's harder to be disappointed, right? That's what I'm telling myself for now.

Even still, I truly hope and pray that 2009 brings us what we most desire and that it turns out to be a magical year after all.

G said...

what a well-written post. i am wishing you so much joy in 2009 honey.

mylifechronicles said...

I hope 2009 brings joy to all of us and shows us the path to new and exciting journeys in life. Happy New Year to you too :)