Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Questions

Thank you all a million times over for your support and kind words.

I started spotting and AF should be here full force by tonight. Can't wait. Post IVF period is painful torture.

I did get my beta moved up by one day, but not before my nurse said, "I'm sorry you are bleeding and getting negatives and you probably don't want to hear this, but, we have seen people in your position still get betas over 600." You're right, I really don't want to hear that, excuse me why I go throw up in my mouth a little.

Despite how I sound, I am doing a little better today. I have been thinking about why this failure hurt so badly. It shocked me a little. I wasn't exactly optimistic after hearing my fertilization and embryo quality reports and thought I was more prepared for a BFN. I think it had to do with all the other changes we made like using assisted hatching, removing my GIANT polyp, lining looking great, new clinic/lab, transferring 3 etc... might me enough to overcome a few crappy embryos.

More than that though, I think it was cumulative effect of all the failures in the past year. 3 failed IVFs is pretty fucking serious and it feels pretty grim. It is beyond the usual explanation of "wrong side of the numbers." I am not giving up, not even close, it is just a stark reminder of how much of an upward battle we still have ahead of us.

I need answers though and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to get them. We are looking at a few options right now including:

1. Moving our six 3day frosties over to S.hady Grove. Thawing them, doing PDG and growing them to blast for a FET. I know PGD is not perfect, but it is an option.

2. Getting a 3rd opinion -possible phone consults with CCRM and/or SIRM and/or Cornell.

3. Examine possible immune issues, chromosomal issues etc...

Our insurance company has cut us off - 3 IVFs and no live birth = sorry you are shit out of luck. We are no longer investing in your broken body.

So, we need to consider the best use of our resources at this point. I know we are lucky to have any insurance at all and believe me, I am beyond thankful for it...

I also plan to have a WTF with my current doctor ASAP, but beyond letting them do my FET, I am not sure I can risk another fresh cycle without more answers.

That is where I am at the moment...

Sean has been my rock in spite of being pretty heartbroken himself. God, I love him and I cannot imagine any other life than this one, with him by my side through good and bad. He has offered to whisk me away for the holidays, but I think our money needs to go to pursuing our IVF options. He is my best friend and my heart and soul and my vows have never meant more to me than they do right now...

17 comments:

Clio said...

I am sorry that your insurance has cut you off. that really sucks.
How wonderful that your husband has been so supportive, even when he's himself brokenhearted. Go for your answers, but also allow yourselves to take it easy for a few days. Like you said, it's probably cumulative and your body has been through a lot with all these treatments.

Leah said...

I'm so sorry. I just had another failed cycle too. The thought of going through the holidays again is too much for me to handle. I wish it got easier with time.

Nicole said...

I'm not sure I've commented before but I found your blog awhile ago (I also live in MD and I go to Shady Grove). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts.

mylifechronicles said...

I soo sorry for the way things are going. ((HUGS))

I just went through your history and realized that your next cycle would be the first FET that you would doing. After my failed IVF#1, my doc told me that one of the reasons that it could have failed was that the composition of the uterine lining could have changed so much (due to all the drugs associated with a fresh cycle) that it might not be ideal for housing an embie. He said that a FET is a more natural cycle (lesser meds) and creates a more natural lining. He decided to add assisted hatching to the mix as well. And that worked for me.

PGD sounds like a good option too. That would have been our next step if the current cycle would have failed.

Hope this was useful. Hang in there... Thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Hey E - my insurance has run out as well for all intents and purposes. I had to cancel IVF#3 today - what a bust. I may do a phone consult with CCRM as well - do you know of a particular doctor there that anyone has liked?

I am feeling for you - so sorry and more ((HUGS)).

Mo and Will said...

Emily,

Those all sound like good thoughts - it's impressive that in the mniddle of your grief and frustration you are thinking so clearly.

I'm really sorry that this cycle is turning out this way. Disappointing doesn't even begin to cover it.

Mo
www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com

Whitney said...

I am so sorry to hear your news. You are in my thoughts. Good luck as you look for answers and decide what to do next. I remember thinking the same thing after our 3rd failure. Our cycle that resulted in the triplets was a frozen/PGD cycle so don't let that discourage you. Good luck!

Leslie Laine said...

Hi Emily - I'm so glad to hear that you're already working toward getting some answers. I can tell that your brain is moving in a new direction today, even though I know you're heartbroken. That's the thing about this journey - you have to learn to get up and dust yourself off over and over again.

You are an inspiration, and I'm so glad to have connected with you!

Keep your faith...upward battle or not, you're doing a wonderful job of fighting hard!

Chhandita said...

well, my insurance doesnt even cover infertility treatment... so I guess you know you are lucky :)..thats how we survive,don't we? Looking for the silver linen? Reminds me of one of my fav songs "I believe in angels, somehting good in everything I see"

Life becomes so much easier with a good partner. and you have a great guy :)

Lisa said...

Oh Emily. I'm just so sorry for all that you are going through. and will continue to go through. But I'm so happy to hear that you aren't giving up. and i"m even happier to hear that you have a wonderful DH by your side to see you through this pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I'm still praying that your story will end with a miracle for you. You definetly deserve it and I really have to beleive that it will happen. You know I throw my vote to CCRM and thier amazing lab for growing blasts. But whatever you do, I'm glad you are seeking answers and doing the reserach and soulsearching to come up with the best possible chance for you.

I'll be thinking of you.

sprogblogger said...

Oh Emily, I am so sorry. Sorry about insurance shit on top of the rest of the shit.

Please keep writing. I'm following your story til we both get babies and long after, I hope.

Hang in there. You deserve a whole lot of good things. Take it easy on yourselves. You're both in my thoughts.

JJ said...

Thinking of you as you ponder all these swirling questions--youve been in my thoughts.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I really hope you can get some answers from your WTF appt very soon. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The best I can say is, if you can handle it (which I KNOW you can), keep that hope alive! I'm so happy you have Sean and together I know you'll have enough strength to stay positive for an FET.

Just as a side note and for what it's worth...I have better results with my FET's than with my fresh IVF cycles.

M. said...

You are amazing. Even when you're down, you're never out. You guys are so strong together -- you are so lucky to have each other. I'm sending a prayer your way that your decisions are easy, and that you guys get the answers you need. ((((HUGS)))

Lost in Space said...

Wow, Emily, I am so impressed at how clear thinking and determined you are right now. You are an amazingly strong woman!! I am so happy you are looking at other options. They may not be options you want, but you do still have options.

I have been thinking about you alot lately and hope each day gets a little better. Many hugs.

RMCarter said...

I have been thinking about you, praying for you, crying for you. This all just sucks. I am so grateful that you have such a loving and supportive husband by your side. What a glimmer of light that is in this dark existance called infertility.

Jill said...

Em-Just want you to know that I support you in whatever decision you choose to make. I also just wanted you to know how much I admire you. Your attitude is just simply amazing. You and Sean will get through this and you will be parents someday. That much I know for sure. Sending prayers and hugs over to you. ((((HUGS)))