Thank you all a million times over for your support and kind words.
I started spotting and AF should be here full force by tonight. Can't wait. Post IVF period is painful torture.
I did get my beta moved up by one day, but not before my nurse said, "I'm sorry you are bleeding and getting negatives and you probably don't want to hear this, but, we have seen people in your position still get betas over 600." You're right, I really don't want to hear that, excuse me why I go throw up in my mouth a little.
Despite how I sound, I am doing a little better today. I have been thinking about why this failure hurt so badly. It shocked me a little. I wasn't exactly optimistic after hearing my fertilization and embryo quality reports and thought I was more prepared for a BFN. I think it had to do with all the other changes we made like using assisted hatching, removing my GIANT polyp, lining looking great, new clinic/lab, transferring 3 etc... might me enough to overcome a few crappy embryos.
More than that though, I think it was cumulative effect of all the failures in the past year. 3 failed IVFs is pretty fucking serious and it feels pretty grim. It is beyond the usual explanation of "wrong side of the numbers." I am not giving up, not even close, it is just a stark reminder of how much of an upward battle we still have ahead of us.
I need answers though and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to get them. We are looking at a few options right now including:
1. Moving our six 3day frosties over to S.hady Grove. Thawing them, doing PDG and growing them to blast for a FET. I know PGD is not perfect, but it is an option.
2. Getting a 3rd opinion -possible phone consults with CCRM and/or SIRM and/or Cornell.
3. Examine possible immune issues, chromosomal issues etc...
Our insurance company has cut us off - 3 IVFs and no live birth = sorry you are shit out of luck. We are no longer investing in your broken body.
So, we need to consider the best use of our resources at this point. I know we are lucky to have any insurance at all and believe me, I am beyond thankful for it...
I also plan to have a WTF with my current doctor ASAP, but beyond letting them do my FET, I am not sure I can risk another fresh cycle without more answers.
That is where I am at the moment...
Sean has been my rock in spite of being pretty heartbroken himself. God, I love him and I cannot imagine any other life than this one, with him by my side through good and bad. He has offered to whisk me away for the holidays, but I think our money needs to go to pursuing our IVF options. He is my best friend and my heart and soul and my vows have never meant more to me than they do right now...