Sunday, November 30, 2008

Heart Broken

IVF #3 is over. 11dp3dt - BFN.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Empty.

Numb.

Hallow.

Searing Pain.

Broken Heart.

Pain in my body and soul.

Dark.

Tears.

Cold.

Screaming.

Sobbing.

The words seem empty. Empty like my arms. Empty like my heart. Empty like the 'nursery'. Empty like my womb...

I preferred the paralysis - at least there was a glimmer of hope there.

What might have been - it breaks my heart wide open to even think about it.

3 IVFs. 7 embryos, 7 little babies - gone. My body took them in, chewed them up and spit them out. What could have been...

A handful more arrested in a petri dish dark and alone. All those little lives... What could have been...

6 frozen. Waiting. What might be...

What if this is it for me? What if embryo transfer is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant?

How many more attempts will they allow me? How much more can I take? I am not done, not ready to throw in the towel, but oh the pain and the heartache and the anxiety.

3 failed IVFs. I can't believe this is my life, my pain, my reality. 3 failed IVFs. It has hardly begun to sink in. It barely seems possible.

How does this happen? Why? WHY?

It takes my breath away to even think about the month of December. Not just the holiday gatherings, but all of it. The music, the commercials, the mall, Santa, Christmas cards with adorable families and newsletters, the visiting, the kids, the food, the merriment. Is there any worse reminder of how much this hurts???

I want to run away. I want Sean & Libby & I to disappear to a place where it is warm and sunny and IVF and infertility are all just a nightmare from another lifetime. Where Christmas doesn't exist. Where it is adults only.

PIO after a BFN - could it suck any more? Icing on the cake tonight. Maybe my bloody mess of a post IVF period will start and this shitty day will be complete. A girl can dream.

What a day for a BFN - dark, cold, and rainy.

34 comments:

Jill said...

Emily, I am so incredibly sorry. You have been in my thoughts all weekend. Sending you a million hugs.

Christi said...

I'm so very sorry, I wish there were words that could make it better. If you need me, call me. You are in my thoughts and have a zillion hugs from me!

Virginia said...

Emily -

Oh this is just terrible. I have this image of your beautiful smiley face all strewn with tears and it makes me so sad. Do not blame yourself. Please. There are any number of reasons why it didn't work. There was a glimmer of hope in this post that you are willing to try again. You are so strong . I admire you so much. You will get through this !

Mo and Will said...

Emily,

I am so very sorry. Let yourself cry and scream and write and do anything else that helps. Remember that you are not alone.

Mo

Lisa said...

There is nothing I can say that is going to make you feel better today, that you haven't said here, or you don't already know other than I completely, totally, and devastatingly understand everything you are feeling and I will be here for you if you need to cry, scream, question, berate, etc....whatever you need.....hugs and love to you....

Jill said...

My heart breaks for you Em. I am so very sorry. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I wish I could be with you to give you lots of hugs.

Chhandita said...

((((Hugss)))) thats all can think of right now...

Lost in Space said...

Emily, I am so so sorry. I know there are no words to make this better right now, so I will send hugs and continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jill Cathey said...

Sorry for you - I agree the PIO after the BFN totally S@CKS! Hoping you only have to do it a couple days. There is nothing great I can tell you now, but know that you aren't alone; and someday you will try again. (((hug))) musicmakermomma

Gil said...

I am so sorry Emily that you have to go through this pain right now. No one should ever have to experience this sort of pain and my heart goes out to you. I know that the holidays will be difficult and I will be praying for you and sending you strength. My love to you and yours as you travel this road.

sweetpeanme said...

You are in my prayers at this difficult time...my heart breaks for you and I cry with you!

Lisa said...

Emily - I am really sorry. I agree that there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but know that you are not alone. There are so many of us with multiple failed IVFs and the pain it causes is horrific. I hope that you can get away if you can. ((HUGS))

ashley said...

I am so so sorry. In our own ways we all have a glimpse of what you are experiencing. And I know that at more than one point in our lives we have been ready to throw in the towel. Maybe God has a different plan for us? Only He knows. I pray He gives you the strength you need to get through this. He won't give us anything we can't handle. Thinking of you.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

Oh Emily, I am so sorry about your BFN. I'm praying one (or more) or your six little snowbabies is your miracle waiting to happen. I know you've followed my story so you know my very last little snowbaby (out of 8 that I had) is growing strong at 33 weeks in me right now. I hope you find your adult-only escape this holiday season. I know it's a very rough ride and we are all pulling for you.

bb said...

Emily, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say because I know nothing is going to take the pain away right now. And I am so scared of my cycle coming up, of having the same thing happen and feeling this exact same way, just numb because I can’t believe it happened to me again. The scary part to me is the emptiness, sadness and anger that I know I will feel. I get mad at myself for feeling it all and mad at other people for not understanding me. It takes its toll and I am so sorry you have to go through this right now, especially with all the holidays and all that they bring with them. I want to run away just like you do. Move somewhere where no one can find me again, even family, because it is just too much sometimes.

I am so sorry that this one did not work out. Your peace with it will come eventually because you are an extremely optimistic person. And while it seems like this IF stuff might take that from you now, it won't. This won't take that from you because you are a strong person.

Again, I am so sorry.

poppy.f.seed said...

that is awful, I am so sorry. I agree, PIO after a BFN is just terrible, I hated it.

Leslee said...

I'm so so so sorry.

unbelieved said...

There are no words, no reason at all.
It just sucks.

sprogblogger said...

I am so very sorry. I've got no words, Emily, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Lisa said...

My heart broke for you when I read this. I am so sorry. I wish I could do or say something but I know it's impossible. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Clio said...

Emily
Your post brought me to tears. I am truly sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through.
I know it's very hard right now, but don't blame yourself. You are an amazing, courageous, beautiful woman. You are doing your best in all of this. You are doing all you can.
Your story is a powerful reminder to me. That even after going through all of this, it is never guaranteed that we'll get what we are reaching for.
Give yourself a nice break and I hope you find a great adult-only paradise for your holidays.

t.bird said...

i'm so sorry.

JJ said...

I am so very sorry, Emily. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers...

fmo said...

I am so sorry... I got a BFN yesterday too. Hang in there--it will get better. Take care of yourself.

mylifechronicles said...

I am sooo sorry about your BFN. Just let it all out. I am praying to God that your miracle baby is among those 6 snowbabies that you have right now. ((HUGS))

Sky said...

Emily, this is so awful - what can anyone say that you already haven't?

You don't deserve this, of course, and yet you're facing it.

I noticed that you have IVF coverage. Have you ever considered going to CCRM (they hold the top spot) and give another clinic a chance to look at you guys with a fresh set of eyes? (yes, even before exhausting the FETs)

I'm sorry if this is too soon to offer this up as a suggestion - sometimes I feel like the best medicine is a good plan forward.

Regardless of path, I do wish you well. Try to enjoy your holidays knowing that you WILL be a mom, that's for sure!

Heather said...

I am so sorry.

Just Another Infertile said...

I have no words other than I'm sorry and I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, to have come this far and feel this dissapointment. I have been thinking of you and you will continue to be in my thoughts.

M. said...

Oh shit, Emily. I'm so very, truly, deeply sorry. I wish I could think of something more to say. {{{{{HUGS}}}}

Leslie Laine said...

I've had you on my mind all day. I know this is devastating news for you all, and I pray that you're able to find your way through it.

I know that words really can't bring you solace right now. I just want for you to know that you're on my mind and in my prayers.

bella1021 said...

:( So sorry to hear.....

Kristen said...

Emily, I am so incredibly sad for you right now. My heart is just breaking for you. Please let me know if you need anything! I am just so, so, so sorry.

'Murgdan' said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Leigh said...

Emily, I'm so sorry to hear that! I know that numb feeling only too well.