Heart Broken

IVF #3 is over. 11dp3dt - BFN.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Empty.

Numb.

Hallow.

Searing Pain.

Broken Heart.

Pain in my body and soul.

Dark.

Tears.

Cold.

Screaming.

Sobbing.

The words seem empty. Empty like my arms. Empty like my heart. Empty like the 'nursery'. Empty like my womb...

I preferred the paralysis - at least there was a glimmer of hope there.

What might have been - it breaks my heart wide open to even think about it.

3 IVFs. 7 embryos, 7 little babies - gone. My body took them in, chewed them up and spit them out. What could have been...

A handful more arrested in a petri dish dark and alone. All those little lives... What could have been...

6 frozen. Waiting. What might be...

What if this is it for me? What if embryo transfer is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant?

How many more attempts will they allow me? How much more can I take? I am not done, not ready to throw in the towel, but oh the pain and the heartache and the anxiety.

3 failed IVFs. I can't believe this is my life, my pain, my reality. 3 failed IVFs. It has hardly begun to sink in. It barely seems possible.

How does this happen? Why? WHY?

It takes my breath away to even think about the month of December. Not just the holiday gatherings, but all of it. The music, the commercials, the mall, Santa, Christmas cards with adorable families and newsletters, the visiting, the kids, the food, the merriment. Is there any worse reminder of how much this hurts???

I want to run away. I want Sean & Libby & I to disappear to a place where it is warm and sunny and IVF and infertility are all just a nightmare from another lifetime. Where Christmas doesn't exist. Where it is adults only.

PIO after a BFN - could it suck any more? Icing on the cake tonight. Maybe my bloody mess of a post IVF period will start and this shitty day will be complete. A girl can dream.

What a day for a BFN - dark, cold, and rainy.

Not the news I was hoping for...

The bad news just keeps coming. There is no hope of a 5 day transfer for me, in fact, I am a little nervous that there is a possibility of no transfer at all. My Day 2 report is awful:

1 @ 4 cell
1@ 3 cell
1 @ 2 cell
2 with no growth - possibly arresting.

I have never had anything like it. I know I can't keep looking back, but I also cannot deny that something has not worked with this cycle. Sean & I have always made amazing embryos. Embryologists oooh and ahhh over the beauties we make. We always have many to choose from and some to freeze. This time, not so much!

I am guessing my eggs hated the Ganirelix. Everything else was the same, except for that. I knew early on when I was stimming too fast that this protocol may not have been the answer.

My nurse said they will likely be able to do the Assisted Hatching and that they will discuss the option of putting back 3 given the crappiness of the situation.

I am mad, sad, angry, disappointed. I cried and sobbed and yelled and proclaimed my hatred for infertility.

I know it only takes one.
I know that some of the ugliest cycles produce beautiful happy endings.
I know I should not give up.
I know that each cycle is different.
I know this is the chance you take when you switch clinics and change protocols.
I know that I am "ahead of the game" because my polyp was found and removed by this clinic and no longer taking up a 1/3 of my uterus.
I know that even though this cycle is crazy, I am still at a wonderful clinic.
I know that this is not the end.
I know that I could have beautiful 8 cell embryos tomorrow.
I know if it is bad news in the end, we will try again.
I know that right now, this hurts like hell...

Tomorrow, I will put my hopeful, positive, optimist hat on and walk into transfer with a smile. I will welcome my embies home and try to provide them with the best possible environment and hope and pray for the best, but for today, I need to work through this.