Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not the news I was hoping for...

The bad news just keeps coming. There is no hope of a 5 day transfer for me, in fact, I am a little nervous that there is a possibility of no transfer at all. My Day 2 report is awful:

1 @ 4 cell
1@ 3 cell
1 @ 2 cell
2 with no growth - possibly arresting.

I have never had anything like it. I know I can't keep looking back, but I also cannot deny that something has not worked with this cycle. Sean & I have always made amazing embryos. Embryologists oooh and ahhh over the beauties we make. We always have many to choose from and some to freeze. This time, not so much!

I am guessing my eggs hated the Ganirelix. Everything else was the same, except for that. I knew early on when I was stimming too fast that this protocol may not have been the answer.

My nurse said they will likely be able to do the Assisted Hatching and that they will discuss the option of putting back 3 given the crappiness of the situation.

I am mad, sad, angry, disappointed. I cried and sobbed and yelled and proclaimed my hatred for infertility.

I know it only takes one.
I know that some of the ugliest cycles produce beautiful happy endings.
I know I should not give up.
I know that each cycle is different.
I know this is the chance you take when you switch clinics and change protocols.
I know that I am "ahead of the game" because my polyp was found and removed by this clinic and no longer taking up a 1/3 of my uterus.
I know that even though this cycle is crazy, I am still at a wonderful clinic.
I know that this is not the end.
I know that I could have beautiful 8 cell embryos tomorrow.
I know if it is bad news in the end, we will try again.
I know that right now, this hurts like hell...

Tomorrow, I will put my hopeful, positive, optimist hat on and walk into transfer with a smile. I will welcome my embies home and try to provide them with the best possible environment and hope and pray for the best, but for today, I need to work through this.

18 comments:

ashley said...

well, i'm not a seasoned vet of the whole IVF process so I'm not all sure of what everything means. but i do know that you need to stay strong. as hard as it is, you have to keep going and just pray that it all works out in the end. and it will. i'm sorry today you did not get the news that you were hoping for, i hope tomorrow will be a better day. thinking of you!

Pria said...

i am sorry to about your situation. I pray you get immense strength and hope to make it through tomorrow

Clio said...

Emily, I'm so sorry...
I don't know what else to say.
You have every right to be upset.
let's hope for better news tomorrow
(((hugs))

Virginia said...

Emily,

I am so sorry. Why is it a horrible report? Different outcomes will probably get you different results. Everyday I read about about so so embies turning into beautiful babies. I'm not one to sugar coat a grim situation, but you're still in the game aren't you? Package of good vibes headed your way.

Mary said...

(((hug))) I HATE bad test results! But these aren't necessarily terrible, and I'm still holding out hope for you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you!

poppy.f.seed said...

wow, that is so crappy. I hope you get surprised with some 8 cells tomorrow. And, find something distracting to do tonight.

bunny said...

my heart sank reading your post. i know how you feel. we all put so much energy into our cycles and it is so devastating when our best laid plans go awry. i am glad that you can channel your optimism to go forward into your transfer. sending you lots of luck and strength for tomorrow- i'll be sending good vibes your way!

sprogblogger said...

Oh Emily. I know how hard this is, and I'm so sorry that it's so damned scary. Hang in there. Remember that a three-day transfer is not necessarily a bad thing. My clinic prefers 3 day transfers even when everything looks perfect, and I'm at one of the best clinics out there, statistics-wise. Hang tough. This is not the end of things. And yeah, keep saying it. "It only takes one." And even better, in the immortal words of my RE, "The most beautiful tomato plants always come from the weirdest looking seeds." Not sure exactly what that means, but it makes me smile whenever he says it.

Amber said...

I won't give you any platitudes or tell you to be optimistic. It sucks, it just sucks. But hang in there. I'll be wishing for great things for you in 2 weeks time. Hugs...

M. said...

You know what, Em, I was an ass the other day when I said you needed to see the positives. Screw that. You have every right to feel the way you feel right now. And you do not need to force yourself to find peace or comfort or happiness in this shitty moment. Tomorrow will be another day, and yeah, you may have a gorgeous 8 cell embryo just waiting to be transferred. But for tonight, I'm going to say a prayer that you're OK and that Sean's OK, and that you guys wake up tomorrow feeling better. {{{{HUGS}}}} to you both :)

Lisa said...

Hey, E, thanks for your comment on my blog. I saw the Pens - Wild game - we lost but it was fun.

So I hope that you get good news tomorrow morning - I will be thinking of you and sending 8 cell thoughts your way.

I know that Cleveland Clinic, among others, only does three day transfers. I will not force happy thoughts on you, I just wish you peace.

((HUGS))

bb said...

Sorry things are not turning out with the best scenario and what you would have liked to see with the new protocol. I am with Amber, it sucks, it just sucks! I hope that despite what things look like right now, that in the end everything will fall perfectly into place.

Leslie Laine said...

Oh, Emily, I am so sad to hear this news. I have been thinking of you guys and hoping for good news. You have every right to feel the ugly negativity that IF creates in us all sometimes. I'm going to keep hoping for you, though, and pray that your transfer is your miracle. Hugs!!!

Lost in Space said...

Oh, Emily, I am so sorry. I had a similar response on my antagonist protocol.

I wish today had come with better news. I'm not here to blow smoke with all the typical cliches. You know them all too well.

You are so right though when you say that tomorrow is a new day. You could have some real fighters on your hands. Holding lots of hope for you tomorrow. Many hugs.

mylifechronicles said...

Sending you all the positive vibes that I can muster and am keeping my fingers crossed for some 8-celled beauties!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I'm sorry your fert report wasn't better, and I won't badger you with "stay hopeful". In the meantime, can you squeeze in a body massage or facial to give you a bit of relaxing time before your ET?





What the hell....I can't help myself...it only takes one :)

Lisa said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry I was not around yesterday to comment. If I was, I wouldn't have tried to pep you up because I kow exactly how you feel. I haven't read your next post yet (I start with my Reader from older to newest) so I hope I see something great when I get there. I just want to drive down and give you a huge hug!!