Friday, November 28, 2008

Livin' on a Prayer

Well, I lied. I said I would not test on Thanksgiving, but of course I did. I could not shake this stupid vision of getting a BFP on Thanksgiving and being able to share the news with our entire family in person on such a special day. So, mid afternoon on 8dp3dt, I tested. BFN. I know, it's still early, but now I am gun shy. I can't take another BFN.

Originally, I wanted to test tomorrow - 10dp3dt- but I am out of tests and can't bring myself to go buy any more. My old clinic would have been doing a beta tomorrow, my new clinic waits and waits and waits. My beta is Thurs 15dp3dt. Tomorrow is my last opportunity to test and be able to tell my mom in person, it's also my last opportunity to get bad news and be able to wallow in my sadness for a few days. We drive back to MD in the afternoon. Sunday - I have to work 1st thing in the morning and then it's Monday already and the weekly routine begins. I don't know what I am going to do.

Truthfully, I am terrified. I know if I get a BFN tomorrow, it is all but over. If I wait it out, I get to believe in this dream for 5 more days. I was quick to test early when I knew it could go either way, but now it's too real.

Sean & I went to the Sabres game tonight and they played Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer & we looked at each other and laughed. It's our new mantra.

I still feel pretty normal. I was weepy & blah today, but I think that is the stress getting to me. Everything was making me tear up. Families at the game, the National Anthem, songs, when Sean told me I was glowing at dinner...

Boobs - eh - mildly tender. Some cramping and throbbing going on.

I do have hope and I feel like I am just waiting for the 2 lines to pop up at any second. At the same time, I know it could just as easily go the other way.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't even know if I can bring myself to test...

15 comments:

Lisa said...

I wondered if you would give in and test. You do whatever you need to do regarding testing or not testing again. I thought about you yesterday and today and I'll continue to think about you and have hope that a positive is just two beautiful lines away!

bunny said...

Those damn home tests. I feel like they often play more mind games than the cruelest evil villain. There is still hope. Sending you warm wishes and good luck! Take good care of yourself. This is a challenging time.

Lisa said...

Oh you poor thing. The torture of those sticks is so maddening!!! I don't even know what to tell you, except that I was CONVINCED that I wasn't, and I did pee after my beta, and even though I had a high first beta (151) the line still wasn't THAT dark! So I know if I would have tested the day before, it probably wouldn't have even been there at all.

Hang in there. I'm praying and praying and hoping that you get your BFP. Hang onto hope. I know it's hard, and I'm thinking of you and hoping for your miracle.

Lisa said...

Hi E - I have such a love/hate relationship with the sticks. At any rate, afternoon pee is rarely strong enough to get a bfp in the afternoon of 8dp3dt. I really hope you are looking at two lines right now.

poppy.f.seed said...

It sounds like you've thought it out. Would you rather have family support with bfn? If so, I'd go buy a FRER test, I got a nice line on that when my other test looked like an evap. You'll know, one way or another(I think- you never really know until beta, though) I agree, lines are tricky.
Thinking of you, hoping...

Lost in Space said...

I hate those damn sticks and the frustration/confusion they cause, Emily!! You have and will continue to be in my thoughts. Hang in there.

mylifechronicles said...

Oh Emily... the pee sticks are torturing. I vote for wallowing in hope until Thursday. I know its very difficult, but give yourself a break. I am really crossing my fingers that you get your BFP this cycle. ((HUGS))

Just Another Infertile said...

I checked you blog this morning (Sat.) to see if you POAS. I don't blame you for not wanting to do it now that it is more determining. I always tell myself I won't do it until the day of my beta. But that's easy for me to say now.

Your wait is killing me. I can't imagine how your feeling! I'm thinking of you.

ashley said...

It is still early, don't lose hope. Those sticks, I swear, I should have bought stock in. They're too tempting not to use and I've never waited until I've missed a period to test, so you're definitely not the only one who caves. Know that the test only read 20 miu's or higher so it's still possible that you're pregnant. I hope and pray that you are, you both deserve it so much.

Clio said...

I've been thinking of you, sending you warm calming hopeful energy.
If you can, wait til thursday. Don't lose hope.
((hug))

Jill said...

You're always in my thoughts and I've said many prayers for you today. Hope the next time you see two beautiful lines. Hugs, Hugs.

Kristen said...

I've been thinking about you and keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope your beta is a beautiful surprise for you!!!

Leslie Laine said...

Hope you're hanging in there. Remember, there's a reason they do a beta - and I'm sure it has something to do with the inadequacy of POAS tests!

Go enjoy a peppermint mocha at Starbucks and keep the faith!

Praying...

sprogblogger said...

Hang in there. I'm right there with you & there's nothing to say except - hang in there.

M. said...

BFNs suck. Plain and simple. I wish I could give you a hug. I'll be thinking about you guys this week :)