Saturday, November 22, 2008

You'll Be Blessed...

The next few days are do or die for my little chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, Theodore, of course!) and I have been thinking a lot about that. In some ways in seems inconceivable to me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. I have been dreaming about pregnancy and children for so long, for so many years and here I am on the eve of a possible pregnancy and I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time I cannot imagine it not being so.

The last few days whenever I look at Sean, I can't help but imagine what our children will look like. Perfect infants with red hair, porcelain skin, huge blue eyes. It takes my breath away and brings a tear to my eye. Then, the tiny voice of doubt in the back of my head whispers, "Don't dare to dream it!" That voice breaks my heart & paralyzes me with 'what ifs.'

What if I am never pregnant? What if IVF fails us? What if we are never parents? What if I cannot give my husband a child to carry on his name, his legacy? What if I cannot give my mother a grandchild? What if I never hold my infant in my arms and whisper in her ear? What if I never look in my child's eyes to see his Daddy's baby blues or his Momma's soft green looking back at me?

I have so many hopes and dreams for these children of my heart. They will have blue eyes, or maybe green. They will have red hair. They will be fair and prone to sunburn like their Daddy. They will have fine, thin hair like their Momma. We will take family vacations to the beach, to Disney, to California. We will visit family in Buffalo. They will love to read. The boys will play hockey. The girls, well they're just a little uncoordinated like me. They will be smart and love school and bubble over with excitement on the first day. There will be Halloween Parties, Birthday Parties, Skating Parties and Slumber Parties. There will be dress-up and singing and tea parties. There will be football games on our lawn and floor hockey in the basement or garage. There will be laughter and love and some tears too. There will be practices and lessons and games and school plays and talent shows. There will be skinned knees and maybe a broken bone. They will fight with each other, but be each other's best friends too. There will be amusement parks and ice cream and popcorn. There will be pizza and movie nights. There will be crayons, finger paint and sticky fingers. There will be lunches to pack and homework to do and plenty of whining to go around. There will be kid's artwork on my walls and family pictures on every table. There will be stomach flus a'plenty, chicken pox, runny noses, sore throats and fevers. There will snuggling and jumping on the bed. There will be Christmas mornings, Easter Egg hunts and Trick or Treating. There will be toys and sporting equipment and backpacks and books strewn about my once tidy house. My laundry basket will run over with tiny socks and onesies. The house will never be quiet again and Mommy & Daddy will be my two most favorite words in the English language...

Please, oh please stay with me little ones. I cannot envision any other future for Sean & I. You are already loved so very much. You are our hopes and our dreams and our hearts...

Blessed by Elton John

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream-
Your eyes might be green,
Or the bluest that I've ever seen...

Anyway, you'll be blessed
And you, you'll be blessed,
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that,
promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

15 comments:

Just Another Infertile said...

Oh Emily!

What a geat post. You have put into words everything I want too. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was just thinking about that the other day at work. Some little boy made me laugh and I thought, I don't just want a baby. I want everything that comes with it, all of it, every single stage of life with a child.

You're chipmunks are going to have the best mom and dad!

mylifechronicles said...

Oh wow... what a beautiful post. I really hope your chipmunks listen to you and get all comfy and nuzzled in you. Sending you all the sticky vibes that I can muster.

Clio said...

I looooove this post! Children is what we dream of, for sure. You described it all so well.
May your visions come true. May your chipmunks stick around to be welcomed into this world in the arms of two great parents. :)
blessings of growing life to you

sweetpeanme said...

You definitely nailed every feeling that has run through my head!! You have quite a way with words...your children will be blessed to call you mom!!

Lisa said...

Em, if there was a contest to nominate your favorite post of the year, this would be mine. I was going to comment about how those "what if" questions keep me up at night. But, then, I read the next paragraph. And, I reread it. And then I read it again. And then, through my tears, I read it out loud to Glenn. It is eloquent and thoughtful and touching and hopeful and wistful and beautiful! It is so much more than having a baby, isn't it? We want to build a life, and that's what makes this so much harder.

I hope our lives start very soon!

Lisa said...

Oh sweetie, I am right there with you! I'm in the 2ww too, and feeling and thinking all these same things. Dreaming of our baby, and also afraid to let myself hope. Trying to drown out the voice that tells me I'm stupid for even letting myself think it, let alone, beleive it. I'm scared to death that our last chance won't work, and I know all those voices of fear and hope that drive us crazy as we wait for our fate to be handed to us. there is nothing we can do, but hope and wait. And pray that miracles do happen and they will happen for us. I hope and pray for both of us that this is our time.

Hang strong and let yourself beleive, hope, and dream.

Your 3 little embabies need you. And I have a feeling 3 is the lucky number :) For both of us!!!!

Jill said...

Em,

This is the most touching post I have ever read. Every sentence meant so much to me. I can see the wheels turning in your head and the love spilling out from your heart.

You and Sean will be fantastic parents. Your children will be BLESSED to have you.

Sending lots of hugs and tons of baby dust your way. Hang in there and enjoy the upcoming holiday as much as possible.

M. said...

Emily, perhaps one of your most moving posts :) Totally sitting on my couch crying right now. Your kids will be so lucky to have parents like you and Sean, to be so wanted and loved is a great blessing. I just know that you guys will have a baby -- and I just threw out another prayer that it's soon :)

Lost in Space said...

Great post, Emily!! I love the glimpses into your future life and share many of the same daydreams. I want it all and I want it all for you too.

Hold on tight little chipmunks!! You have 2 parents who love you so much already.

Hang in there, Emily!!

poppy.f.seed said...

this is very heartfelt, I appreciate your honesty and longing. You child(ren) will be so lucky to have you!

RMCarter said...

This post made me cry. How interesting that we've never met, but you say the exact things that are in my heart. Infertility is such tie between us.

Those babies are loved more than they could ever know.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

YES, THERE WILL BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!!

Lisa said...

E - thanks for sharing your dreams and hopes - I hope the embies are snuggling in.

bb said...

I am few days behind, but this was a great post. I really hope those little guys are making themselves a nice place to spend the next 9 or so months!

Lori said...

This is a touching post, worthy of Creme de la Creme.

May 2009 be very, very good to you, Emily.