I got the faintest BFP in the history of the world. So faint, I walked away, Sean said, "Well?" I replied on the verge of tears, "Whiter than your ass in winter!" He laughed, picked up FRER and said, "I see a 2nd line!" He was right. I guess I am so conditioned to BFNs and had myself so convinced it was a BFN that I just assumed. You may be wondering if this is the BFP "dream" story - no it's definitely NOT. Was there joy? Crying? Celebrating? Picking baby names and calculating due dates??? Soft music playing in the background?
Ahhhh, I don't think so... We both breathed a tiny sigh of relief that it wasn't as white as Sean's ass in the winter, gave each other a squeeze and then sat down to eat our dinner and watch Grey's. Romantic story, isn't it??? Not really the way I imagined my 1st BFP ever in 3 1/2 years of TTC playing in my mind.
Ok - so why am I not over the moon? Well, I have a sinking feeling that it is the dying embers of my final HCG booster shot - 2,500U on 5/8. In the 18 days since I triggered, I have had 17,500U of HCG. At the rate of metabolizing 1,000U per day, yesterday would have been the absolute earliest (day 18) I could have tested by nothing other than my own calculations and even that was shaky.
Why did I test knowing it was shaky? Well, honestly, as you can tell by my previous post, I was losing my mind. I was 100% convinced it was going to be a BFN, so I wanted to confirm and move on. At almost 14 days past transfer, I believe it was too light to be anything besides the final gasp of HCG. Sean did remind me though that I did not use FMU and by rights I wouldn't have even missed a period yet in the non-IVF world - AF is due today for what its worth...
Now that I have my 1st BFP ever, I am not confident enough that it was anything besides false, so no celebrating for me. However, that little pee stick did do me a favor last night - it gave me back some hope and that is good enough for me, for now.
I just need to get through 3 more days....I may test again over the weekend, but I may wait until my Beta on Monday.
Everything crossed ladies, everything crossed!
5 comments:
Please don't give up hope, Em! Even at 13dp3dt (which is where you are, I think?) my beta was only 125, and I was still getting faint lines on home tests. I am hoping, praying, and crossing everything that this is it for you!!!
OMG! That is so exciting and so scary at the same time. Maybe you'll get a darker line if you test in the morning with FMU??
Oh I have everything crossed for you!!!
We are programmed to just think the worst, hang in there, atleast there was another line, I don't care how dark, you didn't use first morning urine...
figners crossed for you!!
My eyes filled up with tears when I read "BFP". Yes, seriously! I'm not trying to get you excited or anything, because I know you need to experience this your own way. But just know, a stranger from the internet cried a little bit about your faint BFP today :)
I have a really good feeling about you. :-) Fingers crossed for your next testing!!
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