Monday, May 4, 2009

'Twas the night before u/s...

and Emily's anxiety level is sky high! I can't believe how volatile my emotional state is right now. One minute I am sitting here in my bella band, reading my pregnancy books, browsing baby sites feeling 100% like a normal, naive, confident pregnant woman. The next minute, I am freaking out, questioning my symptoms, thinking about the bleeding episode and doubting that we will hear good news tomorrow. This sucks!

I asked Amanda if she felt this way when she was pregnant and she said no. She just assumed everything was fine and going according to plan. She commented about how much she thinks infertility has stolen from me and how it doesn't end when you are finally pregnant and she is 100% right. I think I am pretty calm and "normal" about this pregnancy and then I get close to a blood draw or have some spotting or get ready for my u/s and I am a mess! This is not what normal women go through! In some ways, I guess women who suffer with IF just know too much. We have seen too much heartbreak to relax and go with the flow.

I said from day 1 that I was going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. I said I knew there were things that were out of my control and that I couldn't obsess over them. I am trying hard to keep my word and most of the time, I do a decent job of that, but there are moments...

In my gut, my instinct tells me everything will be just fine tomorrow, so where does this doubt come from? Why do I let it get to me? Do I have 7 more months of this to look forward to?

I did have a tinge of brown spotting last night for a few hours and that ramped the anxiety level way up again. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!

I broke down and bought a bella band this weekend, rather a belly sleeve from Motherhood, and I am in HEAVEN! The bloat has been unreal and even though I haven't gained any weight since transfer, my pants are all way too tight in the belly. I plan to order the "real thing" online this week. What a wonderful invention.

While we were in Motherhood, I decided to ask about a new bra. Some of you may remember that I broke my bra just before beta? Well, I am so glad I decided to ask the girl for some help. She measured me and I have already grown more than a cup size!!! I am usually a C cup and she measured me between a D & an E (their version of DD). I tried them both and the D fit perfectly, but she said there should be a little room to grow so I went with the E. Sean got a kick out of this :) Between the new bra and the bella band, I am so much more comfortable! Oh, and their bras are REALLY affordable which is a nice change of pace for me.

We had a great weekend. We went to 2 movies and lots of going out for dinner and relaxing. Sean cleaned the entire house while I was at work on Sunday. Yes, ladies, he even scrubbed the toilets and the showers! I am in heaven. Last night he got a refresher on how to do laundry because once I started spotting he wouldn't let me run downstairs. I am such a lucky girl!

Symptom Checker - all the same symptoms. The bloat is really, really bad right now!

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. If you have some good thoughts, good vibes and/or extra prayers to send our way, it would be much appreciated. I will update when I can...

P.S. - I voted "2" because Sean & I have each on separate occasions, years apart, by 2 different psychics, been told we would have twins...

25 comments:

Jill said...

GL GL GL GL GL!!!! I am so excited and anxious for you!

FWIW, I felt the same way -- one minute, convinced everything was fine, and a basketcase the next. You're right, IF has stolen a lot of our optimism and naivete. But we can still have HOPE! Sending lots of good vibes, prayers, and positive thoughts!

MissMVK said...

Good luck! Good luck! Good luck!

I am laughing about your psychic because I saw one that said the same thing - twinkies. I have one baby as you know, but not ruling out twins the next time around!

I am anxious for you too. Hold tight. I just know all will be fine and your miracle(s) are thriving!

Mary said...

Good luck tomorrow!

jill said...

Sending tons and tons of good vibes and thoughts your way!! I hope your u/s goes wonderfully! Can't wait to hear about it.

Ashley said...

Good luck!! I'm praying that everything goes great;)

Andrea said...

Good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes and how many are in there!!

Barefoot said...

Thinking all kinds of good thoughts for you tomorrow! I wish I had some words of wisdom to bring you calm and peace, but I agree that the u/s waiting is terrifying. And boo on spotting!!

Carrie said...

I am always the same way- the anxiety shoots up before any test, even if I am feeling SO pregnant. I think IF has stolen the naive joy of pregnancy and we are always wondering. I will tell you that I am feeling better as I get closer to 10 weeks, but I am still nervous.

I know it will go GREAT! I cannot wait to see the pictures tomorrow. Try to sleep tonight, which is hard with all the anticipation! Good luck and thinking all kinds of good thoughts for you!

Carrie

poppy.f.seed said...

good luck tomorrow!

sunflowerchilde said...

So excited to ehar how it goes tomorrow!

I think you're right, it will be hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, but hopefully it gets easier with each passing week.

M. said...

I'm waiting over here on pins and needles!! UPDATE US! I just said a prayer for you guys: "Let this be their baby/babies!" :)

M. said...

Oh, forgot the u/s is tomorrow. Derf. Ok, well, update us ASAP :)

Clio said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.blessings and good luck!

Meant to be a mom said...

I know exactly what your talking about and unfortunately, in my case the worrying has not stopped even a little. I still worry about my pregnancy every day! So I think thats totally normal. As far as the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm praying for you guys.
Oh and the bloating! Hah, the bloating. It won't go away until you actually start to show so expect to be that size and then just keep going up from there. I can't wait to hear what you see tomorrow. I hope Twins! How fun!

Sky said...

Honey, I just know you're going to be fine, fine, fine! Keep enjoying the blissful feelings! :)

(and start thinking about when you're going to remove the "NOT" from the title of your blog! :)

kim_brough said...

Can't wait to hear about how things go tomorrow! :-)

My open roads said...

good luck tomorrow! :) waiting for good news!

meinsideout said...

OOOHHHHH, I am keeping it all crossed for you, hugs and luck all the way for tomorrow!

I will be checking in non-stop tomorrow~

carley said...

Good Luck tomorrow! I bet they will definitely see the heartbeat using the "magic" wand as I call it. If I remember the regular topical u/s will just really show the sac and a dot, but when they use the vaginal wand you will get to see the wee wee babe, probably be about the size of a lentil bean and a teeny flicker of a heartbeat! :0)

Steph and Bran said...

Oh my gosh, can't wait to hear the news! Best of luck.

lifebytheday said...

Thinking of you today! Post an update as soon as you can!! :-)

Just me said...

Can't wait to hear how it goes!!!!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

Good luck!! I can't wait to read your update :)

I wish I could say I had the naive pgncy bliss, but I was worried every day for nine months. I wasn't ok until I actually gave birth to my handsome little guy. Like I said before, the doppler gave me great peace of mind on a daily basis.

Leah said...

I can't wait to see how the ultrasound goes! I think the way you are feeling is pretty normal. It mirrors my feelings exactly! It's weird because your feelings change the further you get into your pregnancy. I think I was terrified until about 20 weeks. Then I started feeling baby move and it's a totally different kind of worry! And I'm sure as we get closer to the birth it will still be a different kind of worry. I know much of this comes from us dealing with inferility/loss, but every mother goes through at least a little of this! Hang in there. I think once you get past the first trimester that you will relax, just a little. It will get better, I promise!

Sky said...

C'mon, spill it! Can't wait to see u/s pics! :)

On a side note, I'm making my blog private.

Please send me an email to skygarrett@yahoo.com so I can add you to the list. You'll only have to sign in once then and check off "remember me" and I think that's it, it'll be open to you always in future.

Hugs!
Sky