Tuesday, March 18, 2008

In reality

The wait is killing me!!! The hardest part is knowing that at this point, I am either pregnant or I am not, but there is no way to confirm one way or the other. If I test right now, it will likely be positive - great news - except for the fact that I will have no way of knowing if it is really positive or just a big, fake positive (a whole other meaning for BFP!) because of the HCG boosters. To be honest, I don't think I could handle that kind of mind f*ck at this point...

Yesterday was a bad day. I was emotional and a wreck all day. I got bad news from both my "cycle buddies", Christi and Jill. Neither one of their IVFs worked and I was so sad for them. Not just sad, my heart is breaking for them. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow and emptiness they must be feeling. It is soooo much to go through - physically, emotionally, financially etc... you have so much at stake with each cycle and it can all disappear in a second. I wish I could be with them IRL to lend my support...

I thought I might be spotting yesterday and looking back I think it was a figment of my imagination because nothing since (THANK GOD) but it was the first time that I realized, really truly comprehended, that I am one drop of blood away from this all being over. It shook me up. I really have not prepared myself for a negative result and yesterday was a lesson that I need to in a big way.

Today I am positive and hopeful again, but yesterday was rough.

With all that said, I probably shouldn't write what I am about to write, but its my blog and I'll do what I want sooooo....I thought I should document what I have been feeling so that I can either look back and say it was a symptom or know in the future that is doesn't mean a damn thing...So here is my list of "symptoms" that are helping me to remain positive:

1. No AF or spotting yet
2. I had some twinges - pings and pangs in my uterus last week - my fertile friends tell me this is a good thing
3. I have had shooting pains in my boobs and tingly nipples - sore boobs too - but that is from the progesterone
4. Hotflashes the last 2 days - the rip your clothes of in the middle of the supermarket and crawl into a freezer kind of hotflashes - I have no evidence this is a symptom of PG, but it makes sense to me with all the hormones in play so I am going with it
5. An intense craving for all things salty and spicy - nightly snack = pickles and pepperoncinis
6. A little crampy here and there
7. I feel like this is "it" for me

Ok, now back to reality. The reality is that I still have 5 more days before & I know anything. The reality is that even if I am lucky enough to get a BFP on Monday, it is just the first of many, many hurdles I need to get through.

In reality - I will be DEVASTATED if this doesn't work.

3 comments:

Jill said...

Emily,

I really hope you get your BFP. I gotta say that I'm without words for your acknowledgement of the hurt that Christi and I are going through. Thank you so much. I hope this extra long wait will definitely be worth it for you. GL. :-)

Kristen said...

Emily,

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that you will get your BFP! Keep your head up!!!

~Kristen
(nest: ked1068, msn: jjkj09042004)

Kristi said...

Em-

I pray you get your BFP! I'm with Jill, I really don't know what to say for you acknowledging the hurt that we are going through. I know you wish you could be here but just being a support online is awesome! thank you from the bottom of my heart!