Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Very Unhappy Ending

My bad news arrived at 4am Saturday morning. She wore pink and red and jarred me from my peaceful, blissfully ignorant sleep...

Not quite full flow, definitely more than spotting. I flipped on the light to confirm and sure enough. I headed back to bed and told Sean the news.

In spite of the bad news, we somehow willed ourselves back to sleep. I just kept telling myself, "There will be plenty of time for crying tomorrow, now you need to sleep - sleep is good, sleep is numb."

I woke up around 8am and was still bleeding. I took a HPT to confirm what I already knew. I walked out without even looking at it... Sean checked it, he didn't need to say a word - he just
tossed it in the trash and crawled back into bed where I was already sobbing...

It's been a tough morning. I cried and cried. I am exhausted. I am sad, I am more than sad. My heart hurts, I feel empty inside.

Even though I have had 39 failed cycles, this was the worst one by far... It is so devastating to know that for a few short days, I had life -life that was created between Sean & I- growing inside of me and my body failed to nurture it...

I think on some level, I knew. On Thursday night, I told Sean that I felt like something was different and not in a good way. All my "symptoms" were disappearing and I just felt like there was a subtle shift in my body. I don't know maybe I imagined it, all I know is that one day I truly believed I was pregnant and the next I didn't.

Don't misunderstand me, I still wasn't prepared for this ending - far, far from it. But this is the ending we have to work with and we have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other.

I have to continue my progesterone and still go for Beta on Monday and I guess we will have our WTF appt next week...

We will move ahead. I have 3 frozen embryos to work with, but we will likely do another fresh cycle in a few months. Since the house is sold, I guess for now, we will focus on the move, the business and each other. We will try again & I will have hope again...just not right now...

3 comments:

Jill said...

Em-I just can't express the sadness I feel for you. I feel all of those same emotions again after reading your blog, just as I felt on Monday. I can't tell you when it'll get easier, but I know you're a survivor and you'll get through this. You've got a lot of people (including me) that care for you and are here for you anytime you need us. ((big hugs))

Kristi said...

I hate this! I really really hate this!!!! I know exactly how you feel. You will get through this because you are strong and you are surrounded by tons of people who are rooting for you - me included. You know, I'm always here, you can always count on me to support you.

christi

Kristen said...

Emily, my heart breaks with you. Reading this post sent me back into my failed IVF. I'm so sorry you are going through what you are. No one deserves this, but as hard as it might seem, you will move forward. Not because you want to, but because you have to. Although we don't know each other well, please know I'm here, having been in your shoes recently, and willing to talk if you need!

~Kristen