I BIG PUFFY heart you!

The amazingly strong and inspirational, Lisa, author of the amazing blog, Helping Make Sense has honored me with the I Heart Your Blog Award. Thanks Lisa!




Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:


1. Where is your cell phone? Charging
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Highlighted
4. Your mother? Amazing
5. Your father? Passed
6. Your favorite thing? Vacation
7. Your dream last night? Forgot
8. Your dream/goal? Parenthood
9. The room you're in? Family
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Buffalo
13. Where were you last night? Work
14. What you're not? Mommy
15. One of your wish list items? BFP
16. Where you grew up? Buffalo
17. The last thing you did? Read
18. What are you wearing? PJ's
19. Your T.V.? CNN
20. Your pet? Libby
21. Your computer? Lifeline
22. Your mood? Apprehensive
23. Missing someone? Yep
24. Your car? Passat
25. Something you're not wearing? Contacts
26. Favorite store? Wegmans
27. Your Summer? OK
28. Love someone? Many
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Week?


Now, I'd like to pass this award to 7 bloggers who excite me when they publish a new entry (8, if you count the fact that I'm unofficially giving this award back to Lisa!!):


Desperately Seeking Spawn


In Pursuit Of Parenthood


Will They Have His Eyes


Maybe Baby


Forcing Seeds


And even though they have already received it, I would be remiss not to tell you that I Heart these blogs too:


French Family Journey


Between The Lines


Thank you all for being my companions on this crazy journey. You rock my socks!

Cancer, Calendars and Company

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I posted! My apologies. I have been so busy recently and feel out of touch with my blog, the boards, email and life in general. The family I tutor for has been keeping me busier than usual and time is flying by.


IVF #3 is underway and I can't even believe it. More to come on that below...


In other sad news, cancer has managed to creep back into our lives. My mom is a cancer survivor, my gramma is a cancer survivor, my dad passed from cancer in '01 and my mom's best friend (another "mom" to me) was claimed by lung cancer many moons ago. On Friday, she eyed another target, my father-in-law :( Can I just say that it is no coincidence that my husband is a good man? His father is one of the best men I have ever known in my life. I love him like my own Dad and I am so sad. For more on my father-in-law's story, see Family Tree.

Chuck has an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Prostate cancer is very common in men, in fact, experts believe most men will have it at the time of their death, but may not even know it. Typically, it is very slow moving and has a high rate of cure. Chuck's is a rarer form. They "grade" prostate cancer with the Gleason scale which goes from 1-10, 10 being the most aggressive form. Chuck's score is a 7. 60% of men are a 6 or less. The good news - they believe it is Stage 1 which means it is contained and has not spread and they caught it very early. As soon as we heard the news we jumped in the car and headed straight to B.uffalo.

Chuck met with an oncologist yesterday and they would like him to start 8 weeks of radiation ASAP. Today, he is going for a 2nd opinion at R.oswell Park Cancer Center in Buf.falo. They are a cancer center for excellence and are rated top 10 in the nation. They are beyond lucky to have such a wonderful place in their backyard. Roswell saved my mom's & my gramma's lives. I wish I could say it was easy to convince them to go for a 2nd opinion though. Boy, were they stubborn about it. They "like" their current urologist and they "trust" him and give him a lot of credit for catching what another urologist missed. While we are thankful for that, we have learned our lesson the hard way about trusting doctors and know the value of 2nd opinions. I am especilly leary of any dr. who tries to dissuade you from a 2nd opinion and tells you to "tell your family to back off and stay off the internet." Yes, their current urologist really told them that. Way to bully 70 year old people. I wouldn't be heart broken if they leave him in the dust. I am anxious to hear the latest update today. These are the times when it is difficult to live so far away...

Speaking of 2nd opinions, IVF #3 is underway! I started BCP on 10/6. Here is my "Lupron Free" calendar, dated from that point:

1. Take last BCP on 11/2

2. 11/3- b/w and u/s

3. 11/6 - start stims - follistim and menopur

4. Once follies reach 14mm - begin Ganirelix

5. 11/18- estimated ER - begin Estrace and PIO

6. 11/23 - estimated ET

With the absence of Lupron in my life, I do not feel like we are really underway. I guess I really won't until I start stims. As you can see, I am rounding out my year of holiday cycles - Easter, my b-day (yes it is a holiday and also Memorial Day weekend) and now Thanksgiving. At least I won't know anything by Thanksgiving and can be hopeful instead of devastated. Christmas, that's another story...

If I could only use one word to describe my feelings about #3 it would be, 'apprehensive'. I have had so much else on my mind and I don't feel like I am even processing that this cycle is starting. I got my big 'ol box of meds weeks ago and it is still sitting in the same place. I probably wouldn't have even opened the box if I did not have to refrigerate the follistim. I am not even consulting Dr. Google about the Ganirelix protocol, although the good "doctor" has come in handy breaking down prostate cancer and gleason scores for me.

My mom arrives in town today and I have piles of laundry to get through, dusting and vacuuming to do, floors to wash, shopping and lasagna to cook. I think I need a shot of caffeine or two to light a fire under my butt.

Speaking of lighting fires, please remember that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Please light a candle at 7pm tonight to create a Wave of Light in honor of this day.

I will be at work and unable to light a candle until later, but I will be thinking of all the families whose lives have been forever changed. May your tiny angels bring you comfort tonight as the world remembers them...

Polyp-zilla!

Today was my hysteroscopy to remove the polyp. I ended up getting general anesthesia instead of twilight, which was ok with me. Surgery lasted around an hour and was routine, but revealed a surprise.

The polyp was HUGE. It was taking up more than 1/3 of my uterus and had damaged my left tube. No wonder I had 2 failed IVF cycles due to implantation failure. I am bummed about the bad tube, but since we are IVF patients anyway, I guess it is not a huge loss. Had it been caught sooner though, perhaps my tube would have been okay.

I'll say it again, I am SO happy that we got an 2nd opinion!!!

I had serious post-surgery shivers and my body was having trouble regulating its temp. They brought in a forced air warming blanket and gave me a shot of Demerol to stop the tremors. I have never shook so bad in my life.

I got home a little after 6pm and I promptly vomited as we walked in the door. I feel much better now though. Crampy and some pressure, but ok.

Sean made me some Ring 0 Noodle Soup with egg and now I am about to have a banana and peanut butter. He is a great nurse :)

Dr. M called me at home this evening and wants me to get underway with IVF #3 as soon possible.

I need to call my nurse in the morning and get on the calendar. Thanks for all your well wishes!

Surgery Tuesday

Hysteroscopy and polypectomy Tues @ 2pm. I will update when I get home & feeling up to it!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Some Good News

Sean had his follow-up appointment at Hopkins today and his varicocele has been resolved!!! Woo-hoo!!!

We are cautiously optimistic that we will see some kind of improvement in his sperm count in November. We already feel better about the choice to have the procedure and Sean has been pain free since 5 days post-surgery. The pain factor was a big part of the reason we opted to have it corrected.

I finally received my surgery date and I will have my polyp removed on September 23rd.

Last to Know

Do you remember when you & all your close friends were meeting your respective husbands? Do you remember calling your girlfriends and sharing in the excitement of meeting the "greatest" guy ever? How about when everyone was getting engaged? Do you remember the joyful, gushing conversations about proposal stories, rings, and setting dates? How about the hours of planning your wedding with your bridesmaids and closest friends - the dress, the colors, the flowers?!? You could have talked and traded stories and advice for hours. The best part though was knowing that you were among the first to know when these major life changing events happened those closest to you...

Infertility has taken that away from me. The same girls that called me within the first 15 minutes of meeting the man of their dreams, getting engaged and other major life events now avoid me like the plague when they have pregnancy news to share. They don't know what to say or how to say it, so instead of calling me the minute they're late, or as soon as they see the second pink line, I get an email weeks later. An email? Seriously? From people you have planned your lives with???

I am total hypocrite because in a way, I prefer the impersonal email to the "Big Announcement" over dinner, but I am angry that it has to be this way. Infertility stole my ability to be the happy, positive person I have always been, the ability to share in my friends' life changing news with appropriate joy and enthusiasm.

How I wish I could trade pregnancy stories together - "Oh, the nausea!", "Can you believe how big our boobs are??", "Have you seen the new cute maternity line at Motherhood?", "What stroller are you registering for?" I would love to relive our labor and delivery tales together and relish in each other's sleep deprived, hormonal induced moods. I long for outings to the mall with our strollers and diaper bags in tow. Infertility has stolen these close moments with my girlfriends from me. My best friend? Her daughter is 5. My best college friend? Her son is 2, her stepdaughters are 7 & 10, and they are working on getting pregnant with the next addition to their family. My sister-in-law? Just had number 3. A lesbian friend from college? Pregnant with her 1st. Sean's best friends? I've lost count of the babies and their ages, to be honest. Friends from work? Same is true there. And you must have guessed by now, more pregnancy news today via email- a close friend from my teaching days - pregnant with her first (married 2 years after me, of course)!

Am I happy for all of our friends and family? Of course! I love their children and my nieces and nephews fiercely. I would do anything for them, I am their biggest cheerleader. I am the one planning showers, the first one at the hospital with new-mommy survival guides in tow and organizing food for the first week home, offering babysitting services and advice when asked. But I am also the one left behind. The one no one knows quite what to say to, the one everyone tip toes around, the one that is now the last to know...

And yet when it is a infertile sister that finally, finally gets her BFP, I couldn't be happier. Their stories raise me up and replenish my hope. I shed tears of joy for them. I follow their pregnancy stories and ooh and ahh over u/s pics, and nursery pics and belly shots without an ounce of that same bitterness and self-pity that accompanies friends' pregnancies. What is wrong with me? What has infertility done to me???

Polyp update: Definitely doing the laser procedure & still waiting to get on the surgery calendar. Seems likely to happen late next week.

It's Baaaaaaccckkk!!

The polyp is back. Saline Sono confirmed today what the HSG suggested.

Waiting on the nurse to call me and tell me if the surgery will be this Friday or early next week. Fun, wow! Can't wait!

Almost as much fun as watching the Republican National Convention! ;) Have you ever seen so many white, old people in suits in the same room???

Anyway, feeling a little sorry for myself and my polyp today. Thank goodness for 2nd opinions though or I would be stimming for IVF #3 right now and heading for yet another BFN.