Tuesday, April 14, 2009

6dp6dt - Anxiety

No major freak out yet, but my anxiety level is definitely on the high end of the spectrum. I know that I could test and get a trustworthy result, but I don't think I am ready to know yet. I would want to use FMU & that window of opportunity has passed for today & tomorrow morning I have tutoring first thing in the am, so that it not at all ideal. So, that leaves Thursday which is Beta Day anyway... I am thinking I am just going to wait it out - change it up!

Two things have happened that have left me feeling a little doubtful. First, my boobs do not hurt AT ALL today. Now, I know I have said myself that there is no rhyme or reason to the soreness that results from the endometrin & that it varies day to day, hour to hour, but it is almost nonexistent right now. In my past 3 cycles, once my boobs stopped hurting, my period was only a day or two away. It was my sign that my IVF BFN was inevitable. In the past though, my wait until beta was closer to 3 weeks long and AF was already due/overdue, whereas right now she is still anywhere from 5-7 days away. But still, to me no sore boobs = no baby.

Second, I had a sex dream last night. It sounds silly, but in at least 2 of the 3 IVFs, I had a sex dream late in the 2ww and sure enough, my period was here within days.

Put these things together and I feel like they are harbingers of doom. I feel like the boobs settling down and the dreams are indicative of subtle shifts in my body's hormones as I near the end of the LP.

I am probably reading way too much into things, but this close to beta, the doubt and anxiety and emotional roller coaster are inevitable.

I wish I had a concrete symptom, but really is there such a thing?

The truth is, I feel remarkably the same as I did with my 3 failed IVFs - mostly normal with a few progesterone & estrogen based side effects thrown into the mix. I have heard women say they "just knew" something was different on their BFP cycle, or the symptoms were subtly different enough that they had a clue that this might be it. I can't say I feel that way. I am still hopeful, still optimistic, still positive, but I wish I knew for sure, or had a strong sense about it one way or another. I will say I was pretty sure IVF #3 did not work and I was right about that and I do not have that feeling either.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is maddening! Such a mind fuck! My wait is so short this time compared to my near 3 week HCG booster shot induced waits of the past, but I am realizing that regardless of how long or short your wait is, anxiety level is directly correlated to how close you are to beta. Man, am I close...

2 days until Beta!

Can I please be sedated now???

25 comments:

Sprogblogger said...

Argh! You're a stronger woman than I am. I'd be peeing right now, FMU or not!

Hang tough. Keep us posted. GOOD LUCK!

Bee said...

I understand your feelings. If it's any consolation, i feel exactly the same as I did with my pregnancy losses. The symptoms we rely on are simply NOT reliable. Try to keep in mind that it very well could be now! This could be how you feel pregnant. I made and am still torturing myself with symptom anxiety. I am praying and pulling for you.

momsoon said...

hey Emily- I am so sorry the, um "mind-fuck' (BTW, I totally agree with this description!!!!!)has kicked in full force...it really & truly is excrutiating, but hang in there, you are almost there!!!!!
Def. waiting for beta is the way to go...those sticks will only leave question marks untill the beta anyhow, and I think that is one part of the rollercoaster that you can aviod...
Lastly, f**ck the symptoms, there are plenty of women whose symptoms come and go and get BFP's...thinking of you and sending you prayers for great news thursday xox

Barefoot said...

I could have written your post a week ago -- the few days before the test just suck big time. You know you could test, but you don't want to, etc. etc.

If it makes you feel any better, my boobs stopped hurting several days before the test, and the only symptoms I had made me sure I was getting my period. Oh, and I had a sex dream too.

I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way as you move through these last two days. Hang in there!!

Steph and Bran said...

Wishing you a QUICK next two days...

Meant to be a mom said...

I hate the wait, I would say try to stay strong and possitive but thats really so hard to do. I honestly didn't feel any different after the IVF either and it ended up working. There is hope. Your in my prayers so much. Come on emby stick and stay!

{Mrs.M} said...

Hang in there! I hope these final two days fly by for you!

poppy.f.seed said...

Ummm, I have had major sex dreams quite often since before and after bfp. Don't rule yourself out!

I am so glad they aren't making you wait forever for the beta!

Ms. Perky said...

I don't know how you can stand the wait! I'm thinking of you.

kayjay said...

This is the hardest time, when you're so close you can do a HPT to get an answer but then something tells you to wait for the official beta. You're almost there and I really hope that you make it with all your wits intact...hang in there.

Carrie said...

Yes, this is the hardest part! You are so close to being there... hold on, honey! We are all thinking of you... and all my fingers and toes are crossed!

hugs,
Carrie

Kristen said...

I hope these next two days pass VERY quickly!!! I'm still saying some prayers for you and S!!!!

Lost in Space said...

How can there be 2 days left still!?! Your wait is killing me too so I can only imagine the rollercoaster you are on right now.

It's hard to fully trust all those symptoms because they can change day to day, especially so early on and while on medications.

A friend of mine had the good ol' sex dream and ended up with twins. (-; Hoping for nothing but good things for you on Thursday, Emily.

meinsideout said...

So many women feel nothing - I know it is hard, but I am still hopeful for you.

As for testing, do what you are comfortable with - everyone is different.

xoxoxo

Phoebe said...

I feel your pain. The wait is hell. Instead of calling it the two week wait, they should call it two weeks from hell!! (((HUGS!!)))

MissMVK said...

I am a CHRONIC about peeing on a stick. You are so strong! I am PULLING for you all, praying that this your turn. I don't know if I can wait two more days, so I am amazed that you are. I bow to you!!!

DAVs said...

I hate the wait. It's awful. Just reading your post brought me right back to all four of my IVF 2WWs. But I do know that I hear all kinds of different things about symptoms or lack of any and what that really means. It usually doesn't mean anything one way or the other! Hang tight and don't lose hope!! Pulling for you!!!

Jill said...

I hate the wait! It's so painful! Wishing you all the luck in the world, Em!

mylifechronicles said...

This HAS to work for you. It CANNOT go any other way. Atleast one of us has to get a +ve this cycle. I am thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

Well, my boobs were not sore at all with a BFP and I also had sex dreams (about my gay male hairdresser...go figure).

M. said...

I have to say that the cycle we got pregnant, I started to get really down about half way through the 2WW. I tracked everything, and kept thinking I was seeing a good pattern, then a bad pattern, then a good pattern. It was ridiculous. I was certain my period was coming, and then I started bleeding. And I was pregnant! I'll keep praying for a BFFP :)

lifebytheday said...

Ugh, I know how you feel - the last few days before beta are the WORST! Keeping my fingers crossed for good news with this cycle :-)

Lisa said...

Remember, I had NO symptoms until right before my beta. I know how incredibly hard it is, but, please try to remain hopeful! And, if you can't, know that I'm hopeful for you!!

Lorza said...

I wish I had some Valium to give you!!!! I hope your sex dream was just a good old toe curler..and not the harbinger you think it to be. Good luck sweetie!!

Mary said...

Only one more day!!